I would create a bold theory here. Retrograde planets all function a little like Chiron. They have a kind of debility around which power and talent focus. They represent a place where we were hurt, held back, or challenged, and now must grow into our full strength. And they represent places in our chart of unusual individuality. – Eric Francis
I’ve been re-reading your “Sacred Space of Self,” [subscriber edition, Oct. 22, 2010) and I have seldom been so affected by the material. No matter what I know or do not know, it is totally clear to me that Vesta holds a vital clue to understanding who i am and who i have been. Since childhood, I have loved one woman after another; I called them mentors for lack of a better model. Later I somehow turned each of these relationships (never sexual) into shameful failures of my ability to connect.
Now I realize that what i had thought of as love was really devotion. I have been devoted to these usually strong others–and devotedly served a mutually beneficial cause–often for three to five years or so, depending on what i was learning from them. Please bear in mind that it wasn’t until I was in my thirties that i finally was able to understand that my sexual desires might have something to do with these devotions. earlier, the notion that these women had sex *at all* (including my mother) used to paralyze me. my 30s began the tipping point of a lot of drinking and a good load of depression. You see, I didn’t quite fit into the lesbian scene; and while i was beginning to feel stronger in sexual relationships with men, the devotion component was never present.
I began therapy for the first time last year, and it has been a wild ride. I of course became devoted to my female therapist, and determined that I would work through this devotion, learn to love, even trust, this person without fear, without attachment and neediness. And also, and this was extremely difficult, without the continued pain of my knowing the relationship was what it was and must be: therapy–a construct designed perfectly to set me up and roast me on the sacred grill of my insecurities…oh yeah, one small detail: aside from my therapist, who figured it out anyway, I never once told any of these women how i felt. pretty wimpy, but it was never “appropriate” nor frankly practical since pretty much all were older, teachers, or otherwise attached, and who wants to be an object of devotion anyway? knowing this has kept me quiet, but therein lies a good recipe for shame and pain.
Enter the realization of Vesta. Here i am going to wing it, cuz my ‘strology is rudimentary at best. Vesta is retrograde in my birth chart, opposing my sun and Jupiter. she is in my seventh house of relationships, and that happens to be in Virgo. that she is joined there by a host of other female astrological entities (as well as Pluto and Uranus) all moving retrograde, points to one hell of an intense, detailed, introspective yet disconnected trip. looking at Vesta alone has helped explain some of my conflicts regarding sexuality, sensuality, and relationships in general. i just plain don’t fit the norm. sexually i’ve been masturbating since childhood; i know this because i got thwocked for making too much noise, or so i thought at the time….i interpreted this as “must be quiet, must be done in secret,” therefore must be shameful…and it probably was frightening for my mom, who is very upright and prudish. so, frankly, given that these planets are moving slowly, sort of awkwardly dancing together backwards, and possibly traversing my pathway at least twice while i was being born or still a child, seems that perhaps, one eyebrow raised in curiosity, they were setting me up for something just a little different from the marriage-track.
i’m really just beginning to feel the okay-ness of these seeming polarities in myself, and i am also beginning to realize that to desire women sexually, and men as well, is much easier now than it has ever been. i hope to understand and, heaven forbid, act on the assumption that it is worth whatever it takes to someday try to connect my devotion to another with my growing devotion to myself as a sensual and sexual being. there’s so much energy there, and i’ve wasted so much time already….
and as for Vesta and co. dancing backward, i’d love to hear what you think about this.
thanks so much for what you do, and how you do it…
Regards,
J.
shebear – thank You! I’m always grateful when my inner workings inspire something in another!
Very interesting. I am keen to read anything and everything on Vesta. The asteroid is placed in my 7th and in Cancer ,on the 29 degree. I, too, have an unusual devotion toward women (not sexual in nature) and with men, arguably. It almost feels like I am witness to something these individuals must undergo and so when they move on, what do you know, another shows up. In case I can change it, I don’t want to argue away my limitations (read:lack of sex).
Aword says: “I think that Vesta gives us such a foothold into spaces we have been but not understood where we are – such as the ‘holding of space’ – Vesta makes that more tangible – that is, the idea of WHY we are ‘holding’ once we sense we are indeed reserving space in our ‘hearts’ for something or someone.”
I just love this — exquisitely put dear friend. I’m going to print it up and mull it over for some time to come. For me it echoes of Eric’s title to the piece: “Sacred Space of Self.” It nestles deep with in us, that sacred spark that becomes a flame, offering essential warmth and light, when consciously tended, nurtured and given space to burn.
I think periods of celibacy that some people experience, consciously or no, can afford a precious time to acknowledge and say hello to the divine spark which can fire up our infinite goddess potential. As Eric puts it: “If we devote ourselves to tending our creative processes, to tending our inner flame, we have a way to organize consciousness that is then reflected in our values and our expression of life force.”
I have been unwittingly reclaiming my goddess spark forever and a day and now feel I am more fully, consciously tending to it as best I can, — and now I realize it has been tending me as well. Of course it has been doing that all along but to be in synergy with it now, feels like the universe is opening up for me. I am very grateful that life thus far has conspired to afford me the necessary time to do this all this necessary reflecting and restoration. Actually during this last Venus Rx, someone very important from my past has reappeared in my life, someone I know I connect with at a very high level with, and she me, and I know together we are going to be opening up hidden realms within each other, because we both seem to be understanding that dynamic at the same time.
I have Vesta 0 degree conjunct Mars 3 degrees in Libra square Saturn 0 degree Capricorn conjunct Moon 25/26 degrees Sagg and I am finally understanding what the *bleep* has been making me tick. It has not been easy (massive understatement!) because it felt like so much was conspiring to NOT let me be me. My growth was through several trials by fire, shaping and growing me into who I am today. Perhaps now I understand I am a “sacred” prostitute of some sorts (HA) and that nowadays I’m preparing to unleash some kind of spiritual sexuality on the world 😉 Things are definitely shifting on a profound level for me, and where once I may have been very shy of this energy (yep, so Virgo!), now I’m getting ready to engage with others on a whole different plane of being. For starters, this reacquainting myself with my dear friend (she’s virgo/cancer/cancer!) is one kind of relationship portal, that is presenting itself to me that I am aware that finally I am prepared to tumble right into it.
(Oh world, ready or not, here I come……………!)
and hey people, please, there are some energies on posts @ PW here today and yesterday, where we seem to be reluctant to walk our talk in civil exchanges? How’s about some time out to reflect on working some higher ground today? Aren’t we all trying to find out *new* ways to work it, so if things get stirred as they do, let’s not loose sight of compassion for the other; each other. EVEN if that other is a Palin or a Beck and our reactive buttons get fired up, we do need to dig deeper and show some largesse to each other; to try and find some way to see the humanity in each and every one of us, no holds barred. That has to be the way forward surely. We are ALL wounded and lost, so we need each other to begin our attempt to sort this messy world out.
So once again, ‘cos it so worth repeating “If we devote ourselves to tending our creative processes, to tending our inner flame, we have a way to organize consciousness that is then reflected in our values and our expression of life force.”
Ain’t that the truth.
Peace people.
Dear all,
Thank you for all this positive support. I am intrigued with where this new knowledge will lead me. It seems that to hold the space for this type of devotion is now not just okay but potentially empowering. It feels like creating new language to express what has been kept mute.
Again, thank you for your care and your writings.
–j
Bringing awareness to anything changes it, and your deeper understanding of your self will bring more healing to you on many levels. And what we do for our selves, we do for the world. What we all truly need is more self-love, no matter what seems to be happening on the outside, or what contributed to who we think we are. Astrology also shows our positive influences and is a more valuable tool every day. Eric told me about my Vesta a few years ago, and he said that it somehow affected why I probably I knew who I was at age nine. I’ve been rolling that around ever since and somewhat afraid of facing the victimization I had experienced in my early childhood and gave Vesta a lot of credit for. We are all very complex beings with multitudes of experiences that make up why we feel the way we do about ourselves. We would do ourselves a lot of good by realizing how powerful our spirit is to create something new in every moment. Then relax and give yourself a lot of credit and a huge break, and let your spirit lead you instead of the old crappy programming that has kept your mind stuck in what went before.
I think that Vesta gives us such a foothold into spaces we have been but not understood where we are – such as the ‘holding of space’ – Vesta makes that more tangible – that is, the idea of WHY we are ‘holding’ once we sense we are indeed reserving space in our ‘hearts’ for something or someone.
Devotion is a new experience – or naming of an experience many of us have had but could not “put a finger on”.
Vesta as Devotion opens many doors visavis new level of self understanding.
Thanks J and e.
I had the privilege of speaking today with Martha Lang Wescott, one of the asteroid pioneers and someone I consider a beloved friend and mentor. I told her that I’ve never had a response to an article about a planet and its accompanying scenarios like I have with Vesta — the possible exception being Chiron. (Eris gets a wave of response as well.) The response from Vesta was different — the special circumstances of relationships, the lack of ‘normal’ relationships, the phases of usually involuntary abstinence from sex and the sense of a special purpose around sexuality are all part of Vesta’s energy pattern. So I’d just like to reach back to all my fellow Vestals out there and say — it takes one to know one.
(Moon-Vesta conjunct in the Aquarius-8th; Cancer ascendant.)
J. —
thanks for sharing your story and thanks to eric for posting it.
sounds like you are on quite an interesting path, learning a ton, and just found the match to light a fire of sorts; perhaps a slow burn at first but who knows how it will spread. you’ve got the devotion idea down, so i don’t doubt you’ll be tending it well
i understand the feeling of having wasted precious time in trying to gain awareness, direction, a clue. maybe it’s all been a necessary gathering of experience?
that’s certainly what i try to remind myself when it comes to my own seemingly backward dance through the (sexually compromised/blocked) phase of my 20s. yes, my vesta is retrograde, too — conjunct a retrograde pluto in libra. it’s not quite the Rx pileup you mention, but it does seem to contribute to a journey that just “isn’t quite like other people’s.”
then again… maybe there are more out there feeling like that than we imagine.