A look at relationship astrology, or synastry

Hi Eric,

My mom subscribes to Planet Waves Astrology News so she sometimes shares them with me. I have a good grasp of astrology and I really need help understanding something about my chart as it relates to something that is happening in my life.

I had a romantic relationship with a man named Dan. I have looked at his chart. There are three major, almost exact conjunctions between his chart and my chart. They are: his Mars and my Moon (4 degrees Libra and 5 degress Libra respectively), his Moon and my Venus (9 degrees Scorpio and 7 degrees Scorpio respectively), and his Venus and my Jupiter (8 degrees Leo and 9 degrees Leo respectively). Note that our Venuses square (Leo – Scorpio).

Our relationship only lasted about five months. Considering that Venus, Mars and the Moon are involved in our conjunctions, as well as the signs Libra and Scorpio, all related to relationships, I wonder about the nature of the connection between Dan and I. What happens to the connections in the charts now that we are no longer in a relationship?

Also, how is it possible for us to have such strong astrological connections but for us to not have sustained a relationship? I don’t think we will get back together but it is a remote possibility. I cannot put to rest that we have these astrological connections and yet we don’t have a connection through being in relationship. I assume it is not that often that there are these kinds of connections between charts with relationship planets and signs, but you would know more about this.

If you can help me understand the nature of these kind of chart connections and what they mean in terms of the relationship between the two people, I would be so grateful to you. I want to stop obsessing about it and let it go but I feel I need to understand this better in order to do that.

Thanks Eric.
Naomi West

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Dear Naomi:

Thanks for a really intelligent question. The astrology-based answer can come from two basic directions; one would be from a more conventional view of chart comparison, and the other, a wider view, relating to astrology itself, and the effectiveness of its use to compare charts.

Before I go there, I want to acknowledge how difficult relationships are for so many people right now. Our entire society is in flux and has been for at least two generations. There are no courtship or mating rituals; the entire concept of gender is up for grabs; many people are noticing their sexual orientation is in motion — that the old rules of being strictly anything don’t hold water or hold most of us in line.

Add to this a few other factors: missing men, for one; neither boys nor girls in many households have a man to orient on or get to know. Mothers are in a crisis of their own, beginning with the fact that they often find it difficult or impossible to find partners, creating a situation where we have no model of relationship to work with as an example.

I think that most of us are only dimly aware of being confused; of clinging to an old paradigm while at the same time reaching for a new one — and not having much information about either.

Astrology at best provides a map; and as the old saying goes, the map is not the territory. I think that the best map that astrology provides is a guide to introspection, for the one whose chart it is. The chart is a self-awareness tool that helps us on that perilous, amazing road into who we really are, and this self-understanding can help us relate to others; indeed it’s one of the few things that does.

Our society currently omits this conversation and instead substitutes the special relationship.

And yes you can learn something about these relationships from those little planet-maps you can print off for free on the Internet.

There are many people who we have significant astrological connections with that we never meet. Most of them we never even see or hear about; it may be that we encounter them in one of those intense moments of elevator eye contact that leaves you feeling warm all morning.

Scene in Arles, France. Photo by Eric Francis.

But does this translate into actual relationships? This singularly most complex aspect of life often seems outside the reach of astrology. Yes, you will read promises of romance on every astrology website. Yes, when Venus is in Pisces, more women seem to notice me and make friendly offers. But can you get a sense of the course of a relationship?

Speaking to the first side of this discussion — a conventional theory on chart comparison — when you’re looking for solid synastry, you want contact between the Sun, the Moon and the angles if possible. By angles, I mean the ascendant and/or the descendant. These are the three things we tend to feel the most, and which — for good or ill — suggest that we have karma to explore, create or resolve with the person. As a fourth possible thing to search, the lunar nodes can indicate a significant spiritual connection. And that, basically, is what you’re looking for.

Conjunctions count for the most. Carl Jung, who was an astrologer as well as a psychiatrist, cast the chart of every client he worked with. He discovered the phenomenon of Sun/Moon/ascendant in the charts of married people. Your Sun conjunct someone’s Moon (even using a fairly wide orb) speaks of a connection that could develop. Someone’s Sun conjunct the other person’s ascendant or descendant would be viable as well, and reveal some points of harmony between the two people, since again, we really feel that Sun, Moon and rising sign. But you have to watch for the exceptions as much as you do the rules.

Oppositions are meaningful, and they can definitely get people into a dance (someone’s Sun opposite the other person’s Moon). Even having the Sun in opposing signs seems to be enough to spark things off, and at times, keep things going for a long time. The thing to remember with Sun to Sun oppositions is the all-too-familiar sense of “can’t live without them, can’t live with them.” If you have that going on, look in the chart for other points of connection, but remember that applying them takes awareness and not merely astrology.

Venus and Mars can indicate the quality of a sexual connection, and some stuff about emotional temperament. To me, none of that quite guarantees anything, though you can see from your analysis how a Venus to Venus square can be difficult. The conjunctions to the Moon tell me that there is some meeting on the level of needs or the basic personality.

What for example does one person’s Venus conjunct the other person’s Jupiter tell you? That you like to read great books before you have sex? It may indicate a similar appreciation of certain aspects of life, but not the kind of thing that sticks like glue. And you don’t necessarily want that. There are situations that can indicate a kind of indelible bond, and when you want to get out, it seems impossible.

Now, I am reluctant to do chart comparison, or at least most of the time. I try to encourage my clients to work closely with their chart and their situation, and use the chart of a third person only if there seems to be no alternative — or if my intuition gives a strong tug in that direction.

Usually, I find synastry to be better at figuring out why a relationship didn’t work out than predicting whether one will. Generally what happens is that there will be a lot of connections that look good, but then for example there may be a harsh connection between someone’s Mars and the other person’s Moon. This might trigger the other person, giving an image of them feeling insecure or unstable, or something like that.

As with any chart review, you’re going to find things that seem harmonious and argue for a productive experience, and things that are not so harmonious and argue for a more challenging connection. You need to weigh and balance the factors — and reality check in the relationship. Personally, I find I get into trouble when I know someone’s chart too well, because I start to have an explanation for what bothers me, or I have expectations about what should be so fabulous. That is my experience; most astrologers would not dare go out on a date without scrubbing down the person’s chart like the HR department goes over a resume.

The other reason is I don’t find the information that useful. I find it more useful to get to know people with as few prejudices as possible, and this has worked better for me in the past. I have to reconcile this against someone feeling like I might be holding out if I don’t offer to look at their chart; but even seeing the chart opens up a whole world of karma that might be better left in a deeper dimension to work itself out there.

But here is the thing. We who are curious about relationships need to reinvent them. We need to make room for the karma piece, which needs a safe forum to work out. We need to make room for the monogamous piece, that offers total devotion. We need to embrace the slut who says yes because that’s what she wants. And we need to embrace that virginal whore — the masturbator and selflover, whether she be the one abandoned or the one indulging existence.

The one who journeys, free from any of this, free to explore.

That’s what I have to say to you this evening, Naomi West.