Jordan and Mia, in the breezeway/sitting area/kid's area that connects the cafe with the Dreamweavers salon. Jordan takes care of younger kids, shows reverence for older kids, and is the picture of psychological transparency. You know where you stand with her; she never leaves you guessing. I just met Mia for the first time today. Photo by Eric.
Leah and an unidentified cousin. Leah is a complex Pisces (daughter of a Scorpio): clever, psychologically sophisticated and aware of the power of her beauty. She is tuned into the dynamics of the adult world around her and knows more than she lets on. You have to watch her eyes for the real story. She will hold someone's gaze with a confident, piercing expression as long as they can stand it. Photo by Eric.A few adults. The woman on the left is Dominique, Jordan's mom; next to her is Lisa, Leah's mom. The redhead in black is Dominick's mother Rita.
Jere, this is a great idea for a thread of its own.
I would say there is what we tell them, what we say around them, and most important, how we feel when we say it. They are meaningful in the opposite order: how we feel is the most significant thing. We need to aim for clarity with ourselves and remember how vital this information is; therefore it needs to be conveyed with love and awareness.
We always assume kids know less than they know at the same time we assume they need less information than they need.
The kind of conversation you have is going to depend on the age and maturity level of the kid involved, and your comfort level. I’ve heard many stories of learning about sex, which range from getting handed a cold, bullshit pamphlet, to being gifted a vibrator by mom for one’s 16th birthday. I would say: don’t euphemize. Explain in clear terms and real words, like you’re describing cooking dinner, with feeling but not going overboard on the feeling. You need to know the difference between not enough information, just enough and too much. Answer questions directly. I think it’s a perfectly good support mode to leave good, enlightened books around — and they do exist. Make sure one of them is a copy of Sex For One and make sure that masturbation is included in the conversation. Most people don’t consider it sex, and it is consistently the most embarrassing form of sex, by design.
Teenagers present a special problem because generally we expect them to know more about everything about everyone, unless you get the very intelligent and/or inquisitive type. Most are already dealing with intense sexual feelings, they catch bullshit at school, and many are going to be too embarrassed to hear about sex from “an adult” so I suggest that the process of erotic education begin pre-puberty, such as around 10 years old. You can expect that kids of all ages are going to find the books, the porno, the stash of toys and at some point they will find the porn sites and whatever other resources are available because their curiosity is that powerful — most adults don’t remember because we turned our curiosity off to be able to play monogamy.
Here is howmy mother handled it with me. This is posted from an old special edition of Planet Waves. I think that her handling the question was excellent as far as it goes; what she left out was the emotional piece — the relational piece. The “modern” way to have this conversation is to say, “You will find out when you get married and you won’t do anything till then.” That’s not handling the relational aspect of sex, but rather using it as a cloak. Even though you’re probably not doing the abstinence pledge, we need to watch the various, thinly veiled moralistic variants of that story, such as “I’ll tell you when you’re old enough.”
Perhaps I was a rare case but I left no book in my house unresearched, and fortunately there were some good ones, that shaped my life and filled in where my mother could not speak — The Hite Report and The Joy of Sex (1st Ed.) in particular. My dad never mentioned sex; not once. Ever and still has not. But he left a pile of Playboy magazines in his apartment, neatly and dependably stashed in the lower right of his Ph.D. in communications bookshelf, along with “Writing for Broadcast,” “Air Time” and the “International Television Almanac.” And we had Channel N on Manhattan Cable, back in the very early days of cable television. I had read a lot about cunnilingus before seeing Coming Home with Jane Fonda and John Voight — but there was one scene in that film where I Got It and that was that. I understood and was on the wavelength.
Therefore, remember that you are in a sense competing with other forms of information, in our era, pornography being first and foremost. Even if your child does not have access to porn, other kids do, and they will pass along that information. Someone needs to explain to young men that you don’t “finish” in sex by pulling out and coming on the girl’s face. That is “common knowledge” these days. Sex does not need to have a money shot, but porno supposedly does.
Any conversation about sex has to include the idea that within certain limits, anyone might have sex with anyone else, such as two men or two women or two men and a woman. There are options. Sex is not merely about one man and one woman, to quote the constitutional amendment in twenty-odd states.
The issue to watch is: are YOU embarrassed? If you are, own that; deal with that within yourself; and don’t project it onto the child in the form of “protecting them from information.” One of the issues we have is that explaining sex is sexy. It’s easy to get turned on when you’re describing sex (South Park’s parody of this deserves an Emmy). Note that if you’re vaguely alive with so much as half a pulse, you’re going to be curious about the person you’re explaining things to, just like they’re curious about you. This is normal.
Most adults cannot talk about sex with one another, or admit to sex. So talking to your child or a young adult for whom you’re responsible may be the first time you actually articulate specific in formation about sex. And that if you ask me is an interesting anthropological fact.
My friend Chris took over a small, struggling website called Solotouch and turned it into a resource that is designed for teenagers to have a place to explore ideas and the experiences of others about masturbation and sexual feelings. He did so because he was treated so baldly by his peers in middle school and though he sold the site five or six years ago, the new owners have preserved the tradition (except for no ads) and it’s still an excellent resource.
I have a 4-year-old daughter, and I find being her mom one huge classroom. I hear myself coming back at me, and when I listen, I can hear what kind of parent I am. It’s a mixed bag.
Maybe my circle of friends is not the norm, but I can’t be so doom and gloom about parents. I see parents who are very concerned about giving their children the room to be children and fight to allow them the space to express who they are.
I see the problem more as an issue of time. It takes time to really hear a child—to hear what they say and to bend down to see what is in their eyes. I have to remind myself on a daily basis to get down on the floor and play with my daughter. And when I do, I don’t just learn about her.
Much love,
k
..Honest question.. how do you speak to your children regarding sexuality? When I was kickin’ back with my girl, it was basically, wait ’til your body has grown, and developed.. same with drugs.
..Then,.. make your decisions based on all the facts you can muster..
..I won’t hide shit, nor will I deny you your rightful space in this Universe,.. We’re all equal.
Why the fuck do we care about Chelsea Clinton?
..Dumb-ass bitch has porta-potties worth millions..
I’m flailing, and this girl is …
..Allright, enough for now..
Chels, throw a line out, man!
..When I speak of kids being brought to our level, what I mean is “SHARE all the info you possibly can!”.
Don’t leave them in the dark, don’t hide them away from the world,.. and sure the fuck don’t divide the line between ALL folks.
We’re all here together.
.. Tangent, sidetrack.. I finally figured out what I’m going to do with my life.., I live like a bum, have for the past 5 years,.. The time to get out, travel around, share info/skills with the rest of the world is now. There was a time in history where the Tibetans (as well as others) would go out to other lands and SHARE. We’d collect libraries, languages, and spiritualities.. We’d then come home to openness.
I know we’re thousands of years in the future, but,.. same basic principles apply.
(If you ever see some cat with “FUCK WAR” on his backpack… say “hi” to me!)
Jere
These picutres are so refreshing for me. I have spent the last good while focused on war and this just totally lifted me up.
We do screw kids up and it seems that our society is very adult-centered. A fantastic book about this subject from a kid’s point of view is “Home Alone America” by Mary Eberstadt. She gives voice to the things that matter to children; alas a voice seldom heard in today’s greed-soaked consumptive mess. Children neither vote nor pay taxes so our society only sees their value as indirect consumers.
I have four children; three teen girls and an 8 year old boy. All of them are precious and individuals in their own right. All of them have taught me so much. All of them have their own voice.
Too many people think of their children as extensions of themselves but they are not. Or they have the children to hang on the walls of their minds much like “the car, the house, the kids, the boat.” Even our public education system sees children as “end products” that teachers and the school system conveyor belt through to spit out in uniformity and conformity. Yet children are not products; they are people. Of course they are innocent, inexperienced and lack some knowledge but they are still living, breathing, thinking, feeling people. They deserve our respect, love, support, protection and nurturing.
I disagree that we need to get them to our level as soon as possible; our society already pushes them to grow up and pair up before many are emotionally or mentally ready. I believe in allowing them to be kids until THEY decide they are ready to grow up and so far, they have been very glad to grow and evolve at the pace that best suits each of them.
😉 Jere,
And whatever way the world spins ’em, no matter whether they took to the R3s or not, whether they are full of understanding of the ways of adults or not; they’re ripe for change.
We are children for sure – The Fool’s Journey – be us on it.
xxoo
Word, I want to comment so bad right now,.. but I can’t figure out what to say..
..I see One distinct group: those who give a fuck.. (the rest just don’t know any better,.. and this goes for all life forms).
I talk a lot of shit, and I’m brazen to the point of stupidity,.. (life’s too short to give a fuck!, plus, I’ll be here next time around,.. or not.)
I raised a kid for 6 1/2 years. We read, wrote, were working arithmetic, addition, subtraction, some multiplication, and courting division.. Some of our favorite conversations revolved around zoology and quantum mechanics.. (I do miss kids.. they’re so open that they’re brighter than most [shut down] adults).
..We’re all kids..
Love ya always,
Jere
Jere,
It’s interesting – to what you say – I find (re: my kids now teenagers) that there are two distinct groups – those that don’t give a damn about anything because their world is so fucked up and those that what to change everything because their world is so fucked up.
Light to you this fine Sunday,
xo
I want to comment,, but,, OK,, look man, kids are stellar recreations of the Universe, adults Fuck them up! The B.S. adults inflict upon children is apparent within the individual B.S. within the “Adult”. If people stop being doosh-bags and learn to treat children with the Respect and Love they deserve, WE WOULDN’T BE FUCKING UP OUR WHOLE ENTIRE PLANET!!.
Dude, if you listen to a child, you can hear everything their parents ever said.
You can hear more, if your ears aren’t cloudy.
..It’s not bullshit, what a child says,,.
(We are so short on this planet, I have to laugh.. Be Kind.)
Lovingly put, Eric. I spent ten weeks substituting in a 4th grade class at the end of the school year. So many kids are psychically damaged by circumstance these days it boggles my mind, and to see kids who are whole and vitally alive is always a wonder. It proves the ultimate resilience and optimism of we hominids.
ya.
all that and more.
thanks, eric, for reminding me of another sub-culture of people, one I’ve experienced deeply, one I chose to enter along the way and then leave in order to experience others.
I breathe deeply drinking in your pix.
Thx.
Well there is a lot more than love, though I suggest that we learn to hang out on their level and embrace how they see and experience the world.
We can learn a lot about the parts of ourselves that are trapped in the sense of powerlessness that adults so casually inflict in children, including the vacuum of feeling like they are neither seen nor heard. Part of the pleasure of photographing them is seeing them and also hearing them, doing what I can to discern their worldview.
It is not simple. Kids are constantly making up explanations for everything that goes on around them, and they notice a lot more than we give them credit for. What they have, most of them anyway, is trust. But they also know that they don’t have a choice — they have to trust these mighty people who have the food and the money and the cars and the door that locks out danger.
This is Way Cool! Kids need to be treated as peers. We have to get them to our level as soon as possible. We also need to realize our levels of sillyness.. and compensate with the Love that is in our hearts. (I can speak a compendium regarding children.. throughout, perhaps I will.)
I think it’s way cool that you cats are hangin’ out!
Jere, this is a great idea for a thread of its own.
I would say there is what we tell them, what we say around them, and most important, how we feel when we say it. They are meaningful in the opposite order: how we feel is the most significant thing. We need to aim for clarity with ourselves and remember how vital this information is; therefore it needs to be conveyed with love and awareness.
We always assume kids know less than they know at the same time we assume they need less information than they need.
The kind of conversation you have is going to depend on the age and maturity level of the kid involved, and your comfort level. I’ve heard many stories of learning about sex, which range from getting handed a cold, bullshit pamphlet, to being gifted a vibrator by mom for one’s 16th birthday. I would say: don’t euphemize. Explain in clear terms and real words, like you’re describing cooking dinner, with feeling but not going overboard on the feeling. You need to know the difference between not enough information, just enough and too much. Answer questions directly. I think it’s a perfectly good support mode to leave good, enlightened books around — and they do exist. Make sure one of them is a copy of Sex For One and make sure that masturbation is included in the conversation. Most people don’t consider it sex, and it is consistently the most embarrassing form of sex, by design.
Teenagers present a special problem because generally we expect them to know more about everything about everyone, unless you get the very intelligent and/or inquisitive type. Most are already dealing with intense sexual feelings, they catch bullshit at school, and many are going to be too embarrassed to hear about sex from “an adult” so I suggest that the process of erotic education begin pre-puberty, such as around 10 years old. You can expect that kids of all ages are going to find the books, the porno, the stash of toys and at some point they will find the porn sites and whatever other resources are available because their curiosity is that powerful — most adults don’t remember because we turned our curiosity off to be able to play monogamy.
Here is how my mother handled it with me. This is posted from an old special edition of Planet Waves. I think that her handling the question was excellent as far as it goes; what she left out was the emotional piece — the relational piece. The “modern” way to have this conversation is to say, “You will find out when you get married and you won’t do anything till then.” That’s not handling the relational aspect of sex, but rather using it as a cloak. Even though you’re probably not doing the abstinence pledge, we need to watch the various, thinly veiled moralistic variants of that story, such as “I’ll tell you when you’re old enough.”
Perhaps I was a rare case but I left no book in my house unresearched, and fortunately there were some good ones, that shaped my life and filled in where my mother could not speak — The Hite Report and The Joy of Sex (1st Ed.) in particular. My dad never mentioned sex; not once. Ever and still has not. But he left a pile of Playboy magazines in his apartment, neatly and dependably stashed in the lower right of his Ph.D. in communications bookshelf, along with “Writing for Broadcast,” “Air Time” and the “International Television Almanac.” And we had Channel N on Manhattan Cable, back in the very early days of cable television. I had read a lot about cunnilingus before seeing Coming Home with Jane Fonda and John Voight — but there was one scene in that film where I Got It and that was that. I understood and was on the wavelength.
Therefore, remember that you are in a sense competing with other forms of information, in our era, pornography being first and foremost. Even if your child does not have access to porn, other kids do, and they will pass along that information. Someone needs to explain to young men that you don’t “finish” in sex by pulling out and coming on the girl’s face. That is “common knowledge” these days. Sex does not need to have a money shot, but porno supposedly does.
Any conversation about sex has to include the idea that within certain limits, anyone might have sex with anyone else, such as two men or two women or two men and a woman. There are options. Sex is not merely about one man and one woman, to quote the constitutional amendment in twenty-odd states.
The issue to watch is: are YOU embarrassed? If you are, own that; deal with that within yourself; and don’t project it onto the child in the form of “protecting them from information.” One of the issues we have is that explaining sex is sexy. It’s easy to get turned on when you’re describing sex (South Park’s parody of this deserves an Emmy). Note that if you’re vaguely alive with so much as half a pulse, you’re going to be curious about the person you’re explaining things to, just like they’re curious about you. This is normal.
Most adults cannot talk about sex with one another, or admit to sex. So talking to your child or a young adult for whom you’re responsible may be the first time you actually articulate specific in formation about sex. And that if you ask me is an interesting anthropological fact.
My friend Chris took over a small, struggling website called Solotouch and turned it into a resource that is designed for teenagers to have a place to explore ideas and the experiences of others about masturbation and sexual feelings. He did so because he was treated so baldly by his peers in middle school and though he sold the site five or six years ago, the new owners have preserved the tradition (except for no ads) and it’s still an excellent resource.
I have a 4-year-old daughter, and I find being her mom one huge classroom. I hear myself coming back at me, and when I listen, I can hear what kind of parent I am. It’s a mixed bag.
Maybe my circle of friends is not the norm, but I can’t be so doom and gloom about parents. I see parents who are very concerned about giving their children the room to be children and fight to allow them the space to express who they are.
I see the problem more as an issue of time. It takes time to really hear a child—to hear what they say and to bend down to see what is in their eyes. I have to remind myself on a daily basis to get down on the floor and play with my daughter. And when I do, I don’t just learn about her.
Much love,
k
..Honest question.. how do you speak to your children regarding sexuality? When I was kickin’ back with my girl, it was basically, wait ’til your body has grown, and developed.. same with drugs.
..Then,.. make your decisions based on all the facts you can muster..
..I won’t hide shit, nor will I deny you your rightful space in this Universe,.. We’re all equal.
Why the fuck do we care about Chelsea Clinton?
..Dumb-ass bitch has porta-potties worth millions..
I’m flailing, and this girl is …
..Allright, enough for now..
Chels, throw a line out, man!
..When I speak of kids being brought to our level, what I mean is “SHARE all the info you possibly can!”.
Don’t leave them in the dark, don’t hide them away from the world,.. and sure the fuck don’t divide the line between ALL folks.
We’re all here together.
.. Tangent, sidetrack.. I finally figured out what I’m going to do with my life.., I live like a bum, have for the past 5 years,.. The time to get out, travel around, share info/skills with the rest of the world is now. There was a time in history where the Tibetans (as well as others) would go out to other lands and SHARE. We’d collect libraries, languages, and spiritualities.. We’d then come home to openness.
I know we’re thousands of years in the future, but,.. same basic principles apply.
(If you ever see some cat with “FUCK WAR” on his backpack… say “hi” to me!)
Jere
These picutres are so refreshing for me. I have spent the last good while focused on war and this just totally lifted me up.
We do screw kids up and it seems that our society is very adult-centered. A fantastic book about this subject from a kid’s point of view is “Home Alone America” by Mary Eberstadt. She gives voice to the things that matter to children; alas a voice seldom heard in today’s greed-soaked consumptive mess. Children neither vote nor pay taxes so our society only sees their value as indirect consumers.
I have four children; three teen girls and an 8 year old boy. All of them are precious and individuals in their own right. All of them have taught me so much. All of them have their own voice.
Too many people think of their children as extensions of themselves but they are not. Or they have the children to hang on the walls of their minds much like “the car, the house, the kids, the boat.” Even our public education system sees children as “end products” that teachers and the school system conveyor belt through to spit out in uniformity and conformity. Yet children are not products; they are people. Of course they are innocent, inexperienced and lack some knowledge but they are still living, breathing, thinking, feeling people. They deserve our respect, love, support, protection and nurturing.
I disagree that we need to get them to our level as soon as possible; our society already pushes them to grow up and pair up before many are emotionally or mentally ready. I believe in allowing them to be kids until THEY decide they are ready to grow up and so far, they have been very glad to grow and evolve at the pace that best suits each of them.
😉 Jere,
And whatever way the world spins ’em, no matter whether they took to the R3s or not, whether they are full of understanding of the ways of adults or not; they’re ripe for change.
We are children for sure – The Fool’s Journey – be us on it.
xxoo
Word, I want to comment so bad right now,.. but I can’t figure out what to say..
..I see One distinct group: those who give a fuck.. (the rest just don’t know any better,.. and this goes for all life forms).
I talk a lot of shit, and I’m brazen to the point of stupidity,.. (life’s too short to give a fuck!, plus, I’ll be here next time around,.. or not.)
I raised a kid for 6 1/2 years. We read, wrote, were working arithmetic, addition, subtraction, some multiplication, and courting division.. Some of our favorite conversations revolved around zoology and quantum mechanics.. (I do miss kids.. they’re so open that they’re brighter than most [shut down] adults).
..We’re all kids..
Love ya always,
Jere
Jere,
It’s interesting – to what you say – I find (re: my kids now teenagers) that there are two distinct groups – those that don’t give a damn about anything because their world is so fucked up and those that what to change everything because their world is so fucked up.
Light to you this fine Sunday,
xo
I want to comment,, but,, OK,, look man, kids are stellar recreations of the Universe, adults Fuck them up! The B.S. adults inflict upon children is apparent within the individual B.S. within the “Adult”. If people stop being doosh-bags and learn to treat children with the Respect and Love they deserve, WE WOULDN’T BE FUCKING UP OUR WHOLE ENTIRE PLANET!!.
Dude, if you listen to a child, you can hear everything their parents ever said.
You can hear more, if your ears aren’t cloudy.
..It’s not bullshit, what a child says,,.
(We are so short on this planet, I have to laugh.. Be Kind.)
Lovingly put, Eric. I spent ten weeks substituting in a 4th grade class at the end of the school year. So many kids are psychically damaged by circumstance these days it boggles my mind, and to see kids who are whole and vitally alive is always a wonder. It proves the ultimate resilience and optimism of we hominids.
ya.
all that and more.
thanks, eric, for reminding me of another sub-culture of people, one I’ve experienced deeply, one I chose to enter along the way and then leave in order to experience others.
I breathe deeply drinking in your pix.
Thx.
Well there is a lot more than love, though I suggest that we learn to hang out on their level and embrace how they see and experience the world.
We can learn a lot about the parts of ourselves that are trapped in the sense of powerlessness that adults so casually inflict in children, including the vacuum of feeling like they are neither seen nor heard. Part of the pleasure of photographing them is seeing them and also hearing them, doing what I can to discern their worldview.
It is not simple. Kids are constantly making up explanations for everything that goes on around them, and they notice a lot more than we give them credit for. What they have, most of them anyway, is trust. But they also know that they don’t have a choice — they have to trust these mighty people who have the food and the money and the cars and the door that locks out danger.
This is Way Cool! Kids need to be treated as peers. We have to get them to our level as soon as possible. We also need to realize our levels of sillyness.. and compensate with the Love that is in our hearts. (I can speak a compendium regarding children.. throughout, perhaps I will.)
I think it’s way cool that you cats are hangin’ out!
Love, Peace, and a Deep, Deep, bow!!
Jere