Mars is the planet of desire; Leo is one of the most poignant signs of passion. Mars is retrograde. I’m curious how you’re experiencing this within your desire nature.
I’ve been giving myself permission to want who and what I want, and to be open with them about it. I am practicing this as a fully conscious yoga.
This may seem like nothing new, but most of what you’ve read that I’ve written about my sexuality or sexual ideas are describing a work in progress; a growing toward. All of it — to the last word — is either an adaptation to my environment, or the envisioning of a new environment and sexual ethos where I can be free and can invite others to be free.
I’ve never accepted that someone else could dictate for me what was right or wrong, appropriate or not; though I haven’t always felt good about holding my space, and this is my goal, or one of them. I’m learning that I have good judgment which includes knowing that if I don’t take some risks, nothing will happen: and by risks I mean reaching out. I’m still working out the part about standing on both feet in my heart center; sometimes I still feel shaky on my pins — there are so many reasons and occasions to doubt. I do keep noticing an inner backlash and sometimes an outer backlash each time I take step toward being real(er), and then I work through the energy and enjoy the landscape when I can; and see who is there to keep company with and tune into what they want and see if there’s a place we can meet.
Mars retrograde feels like clear encouragement to be real, and to find the blocks that I’m holding back against being real. Sometimes I feel met; other times I feel isolated; sometimes I notice the rank hypocrisy of the world, and sometimes I am determined to not be its next victim. I know that I am reaching for a dimension of authenticity, contact and passion that I haven’t yet encountered with another person. I’ve had the sexual aspects at times, and the relational aspects at times, though it’s rare that the two meet in the same person, place or time. I do my best to keep them aligned within myself.
This retrograde is taking place in my 2nd house, and for me that is about going deep into embracing my self-esteem; which sounds like a weird word, esteem for myself — it’s not about that, it’s about granting myself permission to exist, as I am, whether I am accepted by others or not; whether they have the courage to reach out to me or not.
Yet mingled with that permission to exist is a long shadow, which encompasses all the ways I’ve been taught and conditioned and conditioned myself to not accept myself, and as that comes up, and I keep looking at whatever surfaces and letting it go, one idea, feeling or shadow at a time. I feel this transit not so much as ‘desire for myself’ but rather desire for complete self acceptance: of who I am and what is important to me. Sometimes I verge on celebration, sometimes I verge on feeling free, sometimes I come close to that seemingly dangerous edge where I recognize that compassion for myself is inevitable, so I would save lots of energy if I go there and stay there.
Timely post. I’ve been thinking about Nessus or Sun/Nessus as the nexus of sex and power. Shall we deconstruct the WP article?
I’ll offer first dibs. Very fine piece of reporting and writing. At first it’s upbeat, colorful, human and brings you into the story with humor and an open mind. As an editor, I would have been thrilled to have this land on my desk. I might have suggested my reporters press for a theory of why so many lawyers show up; any dominatrix will tell you.
Notice that the article, after taking you on a your of why people love this activity so much, shifts into the context of the vice squad. Why is it that so much sexual fun outside the context of monogamous heterosexual marriage, even if legal and consensual and adult and friendly, comes under the scrutiny of the vice squad or some form of the morality enforcers? Why does our culture presume that sex always has a victim?
Besides the obvious problem, that adults have, or should have, the right to do what they want as long as they are not hurting someone, the atmosphere of authority infects our minds with the fear of what might happen if we allow ourselves to be free.
So unlike having a BBQ or playing football or going out dancing, there is constant association of sex with the police. Sex — basic human fun; communion and communication; making kids; making love.
Somebody please explain that to me.
timely! an article about sex parties in the tony suburb of bethesda ran on the front page of the washington post today (under the tagline erogenous zoning violation 😀 ).
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2010/02/04/AR2010020403757.html?nav=hcmodule
One of the weird things about leadership is the little spot of self-awareness you have to install — it may look like ‘self-consciousness’ but is not the same at all. In self-consciousness you are trimming and hemming, automatically and unconsciously reducing your impact. The little fish-eye mirror of self-awareness helps you account for how big your energy actually is vis. the recipient, the world, the project, etc.
My current relationship is an exercise in this awareness. I chose my girl because she is charming and brilliant, but I also have to remain very aware of the difference in our relative amperage. I am a Tantrika, and the standing wave that I embody doesn’t mess around. I may want what I want, but there are commensurabilities to consider. What fits whom?
For me, Mars retrograde (in my son’s sign) has been an exercise in seeing who is actually receiving what I create, and making damn sure it is the right fit for the flow.
“A paradox of owning the experience without possessing it…”
Perfect.
Eric,
“I know that I am reaching for a dimension of authenticity, contact and passion that I haven’t yet encountered with another person. I’ve had the sexual aspects at times, and the relational aspects at times, though it’s rare that the two meet in the same person, place or time.”
Exactly and precisely it. So helpful to see it here in print; thanks. Another shade I would add for myself is something about not grasping for it or trying to capture it in those tiny moments when the intersection happens, because it is something like the snap back up when I reach the end of the bungee cord, and I could, in the very celebration of the “achievement,” find myself further behind than when I started. A paradox of owning the experience without possessing it, or something along those lines.
I kept saying, ‘yes’ while reading this. (Leo, Aries moon with Saturn at 1 degree Capricorn). These have been extremely challenging circumstances to live through. I ‘visualize my intentions’ for conditions to resolve soon. It’s like wearing cement shoes on a train track, with the headlight of the barreling train getting closer. This too, shall pass.
Hey Eric, courageous and showing leadership as always. This is inspired writing. I love that it’s clearly not just some theory to you and you DO it. It is liberating both to behold and receive.
Thank you
Alex
Fantastic Eric. It’s so similar to what I’m going through (the second part of the blog, haven’t got as far as the first part yet!). “I recognize that compassion for myself is inevitable, so I would save lots of energy if I go there and stay there”. – don’t think you need to worry about staying there, feelings never stay the same, they’re in a constant state of flux. And as the wonderful zen buddhist teacher and writer Joko Beck said, struggle is a fundamental part of healing.
Love ya
Liz
Dear Len – no no no you are not culpable – never!
Was merely recapping after your most splendid article ‘Present with the Fire’ & using it as a reference point from where I’d moved on.
It was most helpful on that occasion answering your question how was it for us leading up to the full moon & after.
You wrote with great wisdom in that article – it felt as though it was written as an ‘offering’ to Brigid where you sacrificed ego to allow the moment of Truth. It was illuminating.
Sorry for any confusion – mea culpa!
Mea Culpa
Eric how spot on you are …
I’ve just read Scorpio CC as it is my ascendant … & read your words “In some ways, it seems that you’re barely entitled to an ‘ambition’,
whilst I just wrote above minutes ago … “I am allowing myself to be ambitious” ie I never allowed it before!!
A bright & beautiful view of Mars from a most unusual aspect of Mother Earth
http://antwrp.gsfc.nasa.gov/apod/ap100202.html
A few days ago when Len asked how was we were experiencing life I mentioned about feeling grounded in my own authority for the first time in my life, having shifted the balance of power from an abuser to myself. What has happened since (now I realise since your post it’s the Mars retrograde) is the start of a most joyful acceptance of myself & my desires.
It comes in interesting ways … I’ll laugh at a ‘mistake’ I made. Phew what a difference from the old days of condemning. Then being free of this judgement has allowed me to expose myself to myself in a most sensual yet also spiritually truthful way.
I am allowing myself to be ambitious & follow my hearts desires. I’ll have a creative idea & the fact that this particular body, mind organism has had an amazing idea actually excites me, whereas in the past I would have slammed it and said how preprosterous to even consider it – now my potential turns me on!!!
A Libran, I’ve found an empathy with both the male & female aspect & had an androgenous ‘look’. Despite the fact of being obviously female (blessed with an abundance of curvaceousness) I responded to both males & females in a masculine manner & if I’d put on feminine dresses & heavy make-up with false eyelashes etc would actually look like I was a male in drag. Recently, following my new found acceptance of myself & my desires, I was suprised to notice a distinct change in my visage & I had softened into a most feminine version of myself & I truly saw I was beautiful & when looking at myself in totality that I was a desirable female.
I respond to (yes!! I am allowing advances!! A desire that I denied before) & initiate with my husband with a softness & vulnerability in our love sharing that was never there before.
Without the shadows of fear & oppression I have recognised that my desires are sweet & simple & quite uncomplicated & that my passions are good indicators of what I feel strongly about – obvious now but previously were clouded by inner conflict so scrambled the message. What was all the fuss & guilt was about them in my past!?!?!
with love & light