SETI DIRECTOR:В Yeah?В What now?
TECH VOICE: Sir, we have a – uh – problem?
SETI DIRECTOR: Shit, you lose the frequency again? Look, I’m on the air in half an hour — live feeds world wide, ISS hook-up, the White House …. They’re – ouch! – doing my make-up this minute.
TECH VOICE: That’s what I’m calling about – the press conference?
SETI DIRECTOR: What about it?   Don’t tell me – not another friggin’ hoax or something!
TECH VOICE: No, sir, the signals are real. Like we said in the briefing, we’re not sure exactly where they originate due to gravitational lensing and other phenomena. But it’s – uh — the visual segment of the signals you wanted us to prepare?
SETI DIRECTOR: That’s our proof of the pudding – no one’ll believe it without visuals. What’s the problem?
TECH VOICE: Well, we’ve succeeded in decoding about 2 minutes of visuals…
SETI DIRECTOR: That’s great! More than enough to convince �em.
TECH VOICE: But you – um – well, these aren’t what you’d call appropriate?
SETI DIRECTOR: Jesus, man, spell it out! What’s the fuckin’ problem?
TECH VOICE: Okay. Look, you ever hear of – um, Miss Brooks?
SETI DIRECTOR: Who?
TECH VOICE:В Connie.В Our Miss Brooks.В And Captain Video?В Princess Summerfall Winterspring?В Milton Berle?
SETI DIRECTOR:В Stop, dammit!В Explain.
TECH VOICE: That’s just it, I can’t explain. Only hazard some guesses?
SETI DIRECTOR: So start hazarding – we’re 20 minutes from air time!
TECH VOICE: Far as I can find out, they’re all, like, early TV stars, show characters? From way before our time. Like Howdy Doody? Gracie Allen? And – um – well, these bits, fragments, like, of those first TV broadcasts? Well, those TV signals didn’t just stay on earth, see. They kept on going, and got picked up – well, fragments of them, broken up by event horizons and lensing and gamma ray explosions and such-like interferences – so just bits got picked up by whoever these beings are out there – like way out there! — and reconstructed according to their – um – their understanding of earth people.
SETI DIRECTOR: Okay, you lost me already. So what’s the frigging problem?
TECH VOICE: I’m trying to tell you, sir. What we’ve received is what appears to be an intersteller trailer for a movie or some related form of – uh – entertainment?
SETI DIRECTOR:В With these old tv shows in it?
TECH VOICE:В В Yeah.
SETI DIRECTOR: Fuck a duck.В You mean these shows are bouncing around the universe and back to us?В How the hell does that prove intelligent life out there?
TECH VOICE: Oh, it shows some kind of intelligent life – or at least clever tinkering. No way what we’re receiving happened by accident. See, the shows aren’t intact – I mean, like, they’ve put them together and filled in the missing bits – uh – well, in what you might call X-rated fashion? According to their own interpretations and – um — anatomy, that is.
SETI DIRECTOR:В (sighing)В Okay, spell it out.
TECH VOICE: Well, for starters there’s Buffalo Bob doin’ it with Arthur Godfrey, and the Video Rangers gang-banging Lucille Ball…. oh, and there’s audio:
MALE CHORUS SINGS:
We wipe your pipe
We pump your gas
We jack your back
We scrub your glass….
SETI DIRECTOR: Cut! Enough already. Sweet Jesus, all we’ve got to show for 70 years work is two minutes of interplanetary porn?
TECH VOICE: �Fraid so, sir.
SETI DIRECTOR: But it absolutely establishes an alien intelligence – tinkerer, hacker, whatever – without any doubt whatsoever?
TECH VOICE: Absolutely. No question of that – they’ve even inserted … well, I mean, you got to see it! But for a press conference? Not appropriate PR material …
SETI DIRECTOR: On the contrary. It’s perfect! Exactly the kind of proof we needed!
(Long pause.) Well, think about it, man. The first thing we’ll be accused of is fabrication. But if we created a hoax, is this what we’d come up with? Is this what anyone on earth could invent?
TECH VOICE: No way. (Suppressed giggle.) So — um – play it as is and reschedule to adult programming?
SETI DIRECTOR: Adult programming? Hell, it’ll be all over YouTube within minutes, anyway.  Not our lookout. The main thing, we have a signal — success at last! Another giant step for America, right? Those were American shows they picked up …but hey, one question…
TECH VOICE:В Yeah?
SETI DIRECTOR:В Who the hell was our Miss Brooks?