Speaking of the Archives: A Vegan Horoscope

I was digging through the archives — the ones you get access to as a subscriber — and came across this golden oldie. Back when I was working for Jonathan Cainer, Planet Waves published a spoof on his horoscope column.

The joke is that normally, I would write his column when he went on vacation. In this edition, he stands in for me — and since he is an ardent vegetarian or is it vegan, this is a horoscope with an agenda.

Here it is…and some day I’ll ask Tracy from Serennu.com (who was there, and who was also a vegetarian at the time) to tell the story of when he discovered that I had cooked chicken in his kitchen, not knowing his sentiments around meat. He wanted no part of my theory that chicken is a quick-moving vegetable…

THOUGHT OF THE DAY

ERIC FRANCIS HAS POPPED off to Calcutta for the weekend unexpectedly and has left me at the helm of his weekly horoscope on five minutes notice, which is more than enough time for me. Like everything, I see this as an opportunity to spread good vibes and get a few thousand more people to make the most of life. However, confidentially of course, I must share something that’s always bothered me about the zodiac: it’s made up entirely of animals. Astrology is an animal product, an issue about which I have not breathed a word in 20 years of being the world’s foremost vegetarian astrologer. What the world needs now is a vegetarian horoscope, and since I have you to experiment on this week, and since nobody is going to believe it’s really me writing this, I’m going to see if I can have a go at that. I dare not say anything like this in my own column, since many of my readers are so very fond of beef and kidney pie. But since Planet Waves readers are accustomed to Eric Francis mouthing off about every social injustice under the Sun, this seemed to be the place to let my hair down.

Aries (March 20-April 19)
Now you know what it feels like to take a ride in a peashooter. You just sit back, relax, take it easy, and then: phhooooo! Suddenly everything changes. A total solar eclipse shows up in your birth sign. In a moment flat, you’re careening across the universe at a speed far greater than nature ever intended for you; you have travelled further than you ever imagined you ever would in less time than you ever dreamed possible. After all, you’re a pea, and you were not designed to go more than approximately zero miles per hour. Flying this fast is, for you, the vegetable equivalent of propelling a human being at three times the speed of light. But don’t worry, because soon enough, you’ll land, you’ll settle down, and you’ll start to grow and many more peas will begin to appear all around you, and you’ll just love it. Sometimes, if you want to do everything, all you have to do is nothing. You think you know what you want! We know what you really want! Call 0900-000-0000 to find out what it is.

Taurus (April 19-May 20)
If yours is the sign of cows, bulls and steer, it must also be the sign of grass. This makes perfect sense, since Taurus is an earthy sign and the grass grows right from the Earth. So on the deepest level, yours is the sign of sod — that soft, luxurious stuff that feeds the true ‘sodding’ beast you are deep inside. Cows that eat grass are healthier than those that eat other animals, and they run no risk of getting ‘mad cow’ disease. The way things have been going lately, it would not surprise me if you’ve felt a bit like a herd of mad cows on a stampede; so, I suggest you find yourself a little green turf, pack a big salad in your deluxe, four-star picnic basket, and veg out under a tree for a while. That awesome apartment you were looking at last week came through, but the guy lost your phone number and couldn’t call you back. We’ll connect you, just call 0900-000-0000.

Gemini (May 20-June 21)
All Geminis are natural born vegetarians — you live on coffee. And if you don’t actually live on the stuff, you act like you do. I don’t mean to be too much of a health food purist, but coffee is not what you could properly call a vegetable. In fact, it makes you act kind of like an animal, but then, if the world didn’t have your relentless, high-energy, 17-hour-per-day multitasking capabilities to rely on so dependably, absolutely nothing at all would get done. Just remember, you’re secretly a tea person. No matter what you accomplish or how long it takes or how many days on end you have to work to get there, you relish that moment when you can settle down for a perfect pot of Earl Grey on a lazy Sunday afternoon. Just remember, don’t squeeze the bag into the cup. Last night I was talking to myself and that reminded me of you! Call 0800-000-0000 for the exciting details of the conversation!

Cancer (June 21-July 22)
Recently I was opining on how, 20 years ago, nobody would ever have believed that gone-off milk could have become a multi-million pound industry, namely in the form of yoghurt. The thing is, nobody would ever buy yoghurt if they knew about how it’s made. The milk sits fermenting in a warm vat populated with these jelly-like mushrooms (the culture), which slowly consume it. Then, the resulting mush is strained, processed, flavoured, and packaged in brightly coloured packages saying how healthy it is for you! Since yours is the sign of milk, I propose you take the suggestion that whatever may happen behind the scenes, what counts the most is what you show to the world. And don’t believe anyone who says you’re not going to be a smashing success, even if you have to ferment for a while first. Nobody likes plain yoghurt! Find out what flavour you should make yourself! Call 0900-000-0000 for the shocking truth!

Leo (July 22-Aug. 23)
Recently, I sponsored a project at the London Zoological Gardens (that is, the zoo), which was to make an enquiry as to whether lions will eat tofu burgers. So I specially ordered several hundred extra large, King of the Beasts size soy patties, and after several weeks of negotiation with the administration and careful consultation with several veterinarians, we tried them out on Marvin and Hilda, an African lion and lioness pair that’s lived all its life on freshly killed meat. After one week, the pair refused to go back to the big hunks of steak they had lived on for a decade. And, as it worked out, they came along to Rainbow Gathering with me where, quite fortunately, they did not eat any of the other vegetarians who were there. The moral of the story is, there is hope for humanity. Soy is so extremely bland. But we have those Leo recipes you’ve always wanted! Just call 0900-000-0000 and touch 7!

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
Did you know that Virgo is the sign traditionally associated with grain storage buildings? Personally, I had not heard that bit of trivia, which dates back at least to the mid-1600s, but I was searching the archives of Planet Waves looking for something interesting to say to you and that’s the first thing I found. Normally, we associate you with hard work, extreme focus, selfless service, taking care of your health, okay, maybe smoking a few cigarettes and having a few drinks every now and then, and — now we know, things like silos where wheat is kept. And, nobody could ever confuse grain with meat! Unless of course you’re a lion! Well, er, Eric, who is a lot better at writing for Virgos than I am, will be back next week! Let us keep track of your bills, PIN codes, passwords and important appointments. Call 0800-000-0000.

Libra (Sep. 22-Oct. 23)
NOTE: I could not think of anything to write for the Libra horoscope, so I have deferred to my esteemed colleague, the eminent Sally Brompton of the Mail on Sunday, who will stand in for me standing in for Eric Francis this week. Sally writes: “It matters less what you eat, and more that you actually like what you eat. In fact, you can eat whatever you please. You can even pick it up and eat it with your fingers; what business is that of anyone else? Your sign is known for politeness and etiquette, but also for balance, which means not taking anything too far in any one direction. When was the last time you had a big, juicy hamburger? One is waiting for you at Burger King right now.” I really hope you don’t fall for that nonsense. Last night I recorded a whole long missive about why you really don’t want to eat at Burger King. Just call 0900-000-0000 and you’ll hear it loud and clear.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 22)
So, the one strawberry says to the other strawberry, “If you weren’t so fresh last night, we wouldn’t be in this jam!” I use this fruit related joke to help explain the carnal nature that is often associated with Scorpio in plant-related terms. Also, I want to demonstrate that the way to communicate effectively with a Scorpio is to use a little humour. Also, to make the point that in reality, people born under the sign of the Scorpion, er, the Eagle, um, the Snake, well you know, your sign, are really sweet, like strawberry jam. And also, susceptible to flattery, because more than most people it really helps you if you feel like people like and approve of you. But as for that jam — if you stick around for coffee, butter and toast in the morning, you might discover that you’ll want to stick around a little longer. If you thought this horoscope was funny, you will definitely want to hear more of my jokes. If, on the other hand, you didn’t think it was so funny, you should still call anyway because like all Sagittarians, I’m always infinitely more creative when I’m rambling without a script! 0900-000-0000!

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 22)
ANOTHER NOTE: I felt that because I am a Sagittarius, my objectivity is compromised and I cannot properly write this horoscope. So, instead, I have deferred this particular sign to Rob Brezsny of Free Will Astrology — who everyone now knows was the inspiration for my Jonathan Cainer Daily Horoscope. Rob writes, “What ARE you doing prancing around with that bow and arrow, Mr or Ms Sagittarius? Is it for self-defence? Is it for hunting, which is not the kind of thing you’d expect a vegetarian to do? Or is it just because you like to frolic around the planet in the most dangerous possible ways? Remember, as godlike as you are, in Egyptian, Greek and Roman cultures, the bow and arrow symbol is associated with the Goddess. And the Goddess is mysterious, if nothing else. So keep that bow and arrow in your pocket and just remember, it’s there if you ever need it.” For some of that laid-back, everything is groovy California-styled astrology that I made a smashing success in England (go figure), you can call Rob directly at (415) 555-1212.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 20)
As a Capricorn, you probably find it perfectly outrageous that organic tofu costs as much as filet mignon. Yes, it’s true, there used to be a time when one of the benefits of being a vegetarian was that you could save a few quid every week. Meat used to be expensive, but as part of the corporate conspiracy that I’m only going to mention here in Planet Waves, it’s subsidized by the government, and they try to force everyone to eat it against their will. And now with a simple plate of rice and lentils costing as much as rack of lamb or crown roast of pork, you will have to apply your superior reasoning and find other rationales for not eating flesh. How about: all the astrology books say you’re the sign that lives the longest. But what they don’t say is that you’ll age a heck of a lot better if you stick to nuts, berries and watermelon steaks. For some sound business advice about investing in bean sprouts, call me personally at 0900-000-0000.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 19)
I know an Aquarius who describes himself as an “opportunivore.” This is a clever, intellectually witty way of saying he will eat anything. Well, you know what he means — anything as long as it’s food. Ah, but herein lies the mystery. What, of all the things that we call food, is and is not worthy of the title? For example, is anything that is made of petroleum derivatives actually edible? Or marshmallows, which I will not ruin your day by revealing the ingredients of here? Now, I know that not all Aquarians are scientists, despite the fact that yours is indeed the sign of science and technology and many great inventors and inventions have had strong Aquarius in their charts. And while you are good at figuring out the meaning of extremely long words, I would leave you with this little bit of astrological advice: If you can’t pronounce it, don’t eat it. To find the true pronunciation of Bengan Bharta or Malai Kofta, pick up your satellite phone and call 0900-000-0000. I’ll also tell you about vegan marshmallows.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)
I’m sure it bothers you how many supposed vegetarians eat fish. Or, come to think of it, perhaps it doesn’t bother you a bit. No matter, as far as I am concerned, the question is, “Is fish a vegetable?” Let’s see, fish have eyes; they breathe (water, but it’s still breathing); and they swim around, unlike seaweed which just kind of hangs out. While they’re technically mammals, dolphins and whales are fish-like enough for any Pisces, and these critters actually talk to one another, bear live young, and so on. So, what do you think? A similar debate has been raging for decades about chicken. Many vegetarians are convinced that chicken is a vegetable. Well if it is, then it’s a pretty darned quick vegetable. The same holds true for turkey. To find out more about what I am getting at in this horoscope, try my phone line! Call 0900-000-0000 and we’ll give you a few more crossword clues.