Editor’s Note: The following article is from Steroid Weekly, a newsletter dedicated to the interesting effects and evolution of legal steroid usage in the Enhanced Leagues. Steroid Weekly interviews Rex “The Pusher” Fallon, president of the Player Enhanced Sports Union. (Eric’s Note: This is actually a satire, originally published in Next World Stories, written by Carol van Strum and Jordan Merrell in Oregon. Imagine…a sports league dedicated to steroids.)
S.W. : Mr. Fallon, why do they call you “the Pusher” and how did you become president of PESU?
R.F.: I’m tha’ pusha’ �cuz I can push a lotta weight, wanna see?
S.W. : Er, no. I am aware of your strength.
R.F.: I got to runnin’ things when we had a tournament of fightin’ to see who could wup who. I’m too big to be hurt so it wasn’t hard to crush my opprah – uh – opponents.
S.W. : Yes, the incident was widely publicized. Didn’t the man die from his injuries?
R.F. : Yeah. But see he should’a just gave me the job. He knew the – uh – he took the risk.
S.W. : So you must have some good qualifications to have been given the job of president. What were they?
R.F. : �Cuz I’m bigger than everybody else and I wanted it more.
S.W.: That’s it?
R.F. : Yep.
S.W.: Okay. Well! We have certainly seen some extraordinary feats in this new sports league. Particularly baseball. The home run champ this year hit 107 home runs – the record so far in the league. Do you think this record will be broken?
R.F.: Oh sure. Yeah. The average player is like 250 pounds so you can figure around 100 homers a year should be normal. See, that’s why we’re gonna be moving the outfield fences back oh say 25 feet on average.
S.W.: There has been much controversy over the health implications of such massive steroid use. In your opinion why would a whole league of steroid users be started, given such health concerns?
R.F.: Uh, duh. People were complainin’ of people usin’ – like doin’ steroids – in natural sports, and with so many players usin’ anyways so to avoid fines and explosions [expulsions, ed. note] we figgered we’d have users compete against other users. Hey, we even got the plan for a steroid world games. Like whoever can enhance themselves to perform the best wins, is the idea.
S.W.: And what does this Enhanced League offer sports fans?
R.F.: Oh man, extronary, uh, extra amazing human deeds! I myself have a few records in the league already. As a pass rusher in football I averaged 18 sacks a year. �Cuz we’re so massive, see, many of us don’t need pads, only helmets. And I had the fastest pitch in baseball at 148 miles a hour, — well, ’til they ruled anything over 120 would be counted as a ball.
S.W. : How does this enhanced action affect the size and layout of the parks? Isn’t this something you’ve had to address?
R.F.: Address? Like – a dress? Oh, yeah. Well see they moved the plate back nine feet already so fans get to see the extent of human – uh –human port – uh, possibilities.
S.W. : Physically, at least, I’m sure. Now, there has been talk of athletes in your league attempting very dangerous feats. One in particular that’s made news is bear wrestling on a commercial scale. What other sports have been considered?
R.F.: Well, like, there’s bare-handed stump removal. Unassisted home and office demolitions, that’s gettin’ real popular, like. So’s racing against animals and some more family-are sports like uh, rugby and basketball with thirteen inch rims and longer courts. There’s no limit, see!
S.W. : Okay. And lastly what type of performance enhancing drugs do the athletes currently prefer?
R.F.: The extreme advancements in medicine has made for the strongest steroids. But dude, the side effects can be brutal! Like, most of the smaller men accually used to be women but the added hormone levels is so high they’ve grown penises. Like you can’t hardly tell any more �cuz the dudes that was men to start out with their penises got shrunk.
S.W.: Isn’t enhanced rage also a concern?
R.F.: That’s a big side effect in some players. We had an athlete got so enraged he attacked a elephant at a cricket tournament in Africa. The elephant wasn’t hurt but the player was sat on and then sha – uh – defected, uh, dumped on? — by the elephant.
S.W.: Was that the big transplant controversy?
R.F.: Yeah. He was unable to save face, like his own – face, that is. Even with offer of transplant from Brad Pitt’s great-great grandson who was schedooled to die from too much plastic surgery.
S.W. : We’ve been talking to Rex “the pusher” Fallon, president of the Player Enhanced Sports Union. Rex – uh, Pusher – thank you for your insights into modern sports evolution. Tomorrow we visit the construction site of the new spaceball park in the Kuiper Belt….
Fade.