FDA Approves Social Satisfaction Implant

Editor’s Note: This article is from Next World Stories, the 2009 annual edition of Planet Waves. We will be posting these regularly, and you’ll be able to identify them by the yellow icon you see below. They are written by a writing team consisting of Jordan Merrell and Carol van Strum, both in Oregon. They are fictional satires; when you see that yellow icon, you’re reading science fiction, not a real news article. — efc

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

CONTACT: Dee Dee Ann Barstow – Long Life Pharmaceuticals

The Social Satisfaction Chip (SSC) has finally been approved as an option for public use. Developed originally to conform the mentally ill into socially functional entities, the SSC has now been approved by the Food & Drug Administration for use in maintenance and repair of families and love lives.

For decades, the SSC was shrouded in controversy and conspiracy theories, although claims of alien abduction were not regarded with much credibility. Some victims claimed a chip had been implanted in them in an attempt to brainwash or control their minds. Government denials merely intensified the widespread belief in such a conspiracy, although the government has seemed as surprised as anyone else by increased UFO sightings.

The most controversial use of an implanted behavior modification chip, however, was its well-publicized use in control of unrehabilitatable criminal offenders. A major objection to the Criminal Rehabilitation Chip (CRC) was that individuals programmed to avoid violence and to obey all laws were thus rendered ineligible for military or mercenary service as well as politics, thus severely limiting career options. The chip developed for this use was undetectable without a special scanning device, to prevent unauthorized removal, and courts were liberal in allowing implantation without the knowledge or consent of the patient.

Unfortunately, the skyrocketing sales of three wildly popular electronic toys imported from China and Uraguay – the best-selling Vampire Finder and companion Zombie Detector, and at least one programmable Christmas tree topper – turned out to be due, in part, to their electromagnetic frequencies, which permanently de-activated the Criminal Rehabilitation Chips when used within twenty feet of the implanted person. The number of habitual criminals released with such implants and subsequently deprogrammed will never be known.

The patent for the new SSC, which reportedly is resistant to electronic de-activation frequencies, has been bought by Long Life Pharmaceuticals (LLP, Ltd.), which plans to market the chip as an adjunct to therapy to repair broken families and strengthen relationships.

“The chip will act like a magnet,” says LLP CEO, Martha Thatcher Stewart. “It will generate and radiate good feelings toward the other person implanted with its electromagnetic mate. The result is that the farther you are separated from the significant other (SO), the stronger the desire to return to them. The other effects programmed in the chip are a disappointment control, to mitigate dissatisfaction with each other, and enhanced libido effect to perpetuate the desire to be together.”

Both partners would agree to the implant, and LLP guarantees its effectiveness and safety. The SSC is a major innovation, Stewart says, enabling couples to cope through difficult times, refrain from cheating, and avoid boredom with each other. “This will improve household comfort and provide a better family atmosphere for all,” she said.

In development is a Childhood Compliance Chip (CCC) for children under 21, which the company promises will further improve cohesive home environments. Whether the chip will become mandatory for public school attendance is a topic for future public policy.