Monogamy Caucus seizes polyamory conference

**BREAKING NEWS**

PHILADELPHIA — The Monogamy Caucus has seized control of the 2nd National Polyamorus Leadership Summit.

Clad in face masks and unfurling the official monogamous banner, members of the caucus read their manifesto. This was coordinated with a related action downtown, where relationship revolutionaries rang the Liberty Bell for the first time since 1776.

“From now on, polyamory is a relationship between one man and one woman,” said Alexa Lovejoy, who was leading the summit. “Everyone turn off your cell phone and hand in your room key,” she added. She tossed the key cards into a blue kiddie pool at the center of the room, tipping her hip slightly as she held a riding crop in a position ready to use it.

“Enough is enough,” said one anonymous delegate. “You cannot have your cake and eat it too.”

“We always said to beware of people with the monogamous agenda,” said Debora Taj Mahal, one of the founders of Loving More, reached by cell phone on the beach in Hawaii. “It’s just that you don’t always know who has one. Sometimes you don’t know until it’s too late.”

As of press time, doors to the summit were barred from within, though based on information obtained from a top-secret live audio feed at 164.66.25.90, which is not protected by a password, one by one summit attenders were renouncing their vows of multiple loves and stating that they only had one true love.

“I renounce my secondary partners,” said Raven Wolf Bear, a shaman from Minneapolis.

“I thought I was bisexual,” said Aloharama, from parts unknown, “but clearly I was misguided.” The room erupted into cheers, even the Closet Caucus.