By Len Wallick
Hello, I’m Orson Welles. I’m here to predict the end of the world,.. again. No doubt you’re confused, you thought I was dead. Well, so am I. Last thing I remember I was on my knees on Hollywood Boulevard drinking that cheap Chianti I used to sell on television. Next thing I know I’m sitting for mid terms at an astrology institute in Switzerland wondering how i was going to pay off my student loan.
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Utilizing my brilliant improvisation skills, I made up a bunch of rubbish to pass the exam, eventually graduating first in my class. Then I pretended to be an electrician to get a job building the Xanadu Large Huevos Collider. I was the third man they hired. This allowed me to pay off my loan while building my reputation as an astrologer, learning a little physics on the side. And those, my little rosebud, are the serendipitous circumstances that have uniquely qualified me to be here today, informing you that your ass is most surely grass.
On to the last Daily Astrology. While sitting backstage at a Bush concert with the famous Finnish astrologer Kirsti Melto, I can recall her mentioning that the Sun in close conjunction to the centaur planet Bienor has historically coincided unique events in the history of science and technology. That was just before security carted her off for biting Gavin Rossdale on the neck. Tried to tell her to take it easy on the coffee. Not so easy when you have a fixed grand cross.