How to talk about sex — or how not to

6 thoughts on “How to talk about sex — or how not to”

1. Um… might I suggest a tv nighttime soap called “Friday Night Lights”? It is filmed here in Austin and it is, in my view, *pitch perfect* in its depiction of the poignancy that swirls around these kids.

   Are Friday nights reserved for HS football across the country, or just here in Texas?

   (E… Here it’s not sex, baby… it’s religion. )

   M

2. ya. What you said (questioned).

   And then the parents and community are alarmed when the girls (and their partners) follow through….if and when they ever can in a healthy sort of way.

   Today’s quiz:
   How many similiatiries can you find between this and Purity Balls?

3. Comment on this photo. It was my first high school football experience, just last year. I went to an experimental high school that skipped over a sports program. We had phys ed and intramural sports, but not school vs. school, so I never got to see this. One night last fall I wandered up to the “stadium” — Dietz Stadium, right near my studio — with a camera, they invited me in (as a local reporter, I didn’t have to pay the $3) and found myself in another world. It was a packed game — even the visiting side had lots of people in the stands. And I could not believe it. Fifty guys on each side in football gear, strutting around like warriors in gold tights. And these hot hot young things dancing around in tiny little skirts, flirting and flashing smiles and leaping around. The sex role polarity was stunning (I have another photo which illustrates that beautifully, I just have to find it). And so too was the open display of sexuality — or was it? — by the girls. That was the thing…they were absolutely on display, there to look at…yet the erotic aspect was veiled in ambiguity, or so it seemed, and…there they were, there to look at and make eye contact with (I noticed them doing a lot of that) all with the whole town, all the parents and neighbors, packed into the grandstand. I kept wondering, am I the only one thoroughly enjoying how sexy these girls are? Am I allowed to notice? Or is this some kind of open secret that I’m not supposed to realize I’m thinking about?

4. Oh, and one more thing – for sex to occur, take all that stuff I wrote about and add chemistry. And chemistry is there more often than we realise, but if our brains are filled with ‘downers’ (natural or otherwise, the cerebral plumbing tends to clogged up with shit – there you are Len, a pun for you) – so we maybe acting out things we don’t actually feel – mimicking ‘learned’ behaviours, trying to live up to expectations created to sell cars, booze, cosmetics etc.

   When you add the commercialisation of sex to the reaction to the sexual repression created by Church and State (all about control – and what easier way to control us than to tap into that most primal of urges? Read Orwell’s ‘Nineteen Eighty-Four’) you get the current state of the hypersexualisation of everything – and that totally takes the fun out of sex – sex becomes so twisted we’ve forgotten what it actually is – rather than pleasurable, it becomes political, so not only is the personal political, but the political becomes personal and becomes a weapon of control; instead of being a creative force, sex becomes a destructive force, used to undermine our very selves; and we do this, generation after generation to OURSELVES. So love first (and the person to love here is yourself),and sex second, so even if it’s just a one night stand, it can still be be a beautiful and meaningful thing (remembering that relationships are NOT LINEAR).

   But back to chemistry: it’s a fundamental Law of the Universe, and we are Beings of the Universe, so like the song said, “when the chemistry is right…”

   xx :o)

5. Bingo! Great article Eric, and very timely (although, when is NOT a good time to discuss relationships??). I’ve been doing a bit of intensive relationship investigation myself over the last two years (using myself as a ‘guinea pig’) and I have stumbled upon some wonderful and hopeful things.

   As I’ve said in one of my previous blog replies, someone has to begin the healing process, that is, at least one person in room needs to be self-aware. That has been my project for the last two years – honing my self-awareness – as you have said many times, the most important relationship is the one you have with yourself. I think I knew that instictively, but reading your posts (and Len’s) defined that concept and brought in into sharp focus – the operative ‘driver’ of self-awareness being CONSCIOUSNESS. Once I started to look at my patterns of behaviour, and began to acknowledge my needs, I found myself becoming more confident as an individual.

   I have a little whiteboard above my bed, and on it I write down the things that I want in life and little bits of guidance (such as, “Do the things you love [just begin…]”), so that I don’t forget – because we do forget – life is busy and filled with wonders and distractions! After I’d written down what I wanted, I’d look at the list again over the next few days and see if they still rang true, and if they didn’t, I rewrote the list. And I kept refining and refining and refining until a couple of weeks ago I stopped. I had achieved a set of ‘core reminders’. Then, over the last week, I added to the ‘core reminders’. One very important exercise was when I wrote: “I will feel loved if I…” and then a series of things – really strange things – like getting a certain job or being with a certain person. A day after I wrote that, the truth came crashing down on me – it’s little wonder I wasn’t feeling loved – i’d attached my sense of self to external things – ridiculous things – things that at the end of the day have no ACTUAL RELEVANCE to who I am as a person! No wonder ‘love’ and self esteem went up and down like a yoyo! I had given away the power to love myself, because the only person who can love yourself IS YOURSELF!! Others can love you, but only YOU can love YOURSELF!!! (And oh Eric, the ‘presence’ of parental influence became so DREADFULLY obvious!) Needless to say, that particular list was scrubbed out pretty quickly! And the beauty of it is that I FEEL my way. I’m totally, brutally honest with myself. If I feel the tiniest bit of doubt as to what’s written on that board, it goes. Some days, the board just stood empty. I have achieved what I consider to be a ‘working blueprint’ for my life.

   It’s a remarkable feeling! Liberating, and joyous. And it WORKS. My other relationships are better already because I have given myself the courage and permission to say what I mean. Now this is not perfect – it’s a stop/start process – I still fuck up a lot, that is, I don’t take the opportunity to say what I want, and that can be incredibly frustrating, but it’s also liberating in itself – it reminds me I’m alive and that relationships are organic and growing things and they are NOT linear (although if they were plotted onto a chart, one could begin to see the general trends) and there’s no such thing as ‘perfect’ – what works is what works – we have a new paradigm! (Hallelujah!!)

   To my delight, I have found that because I am self-aware and more confident and inclusive, that gives others around me the confidence to also say what’s on their mind. Suddenly, they have a ‘safe space’ to say the things they need to without feeling bad either. As I wrote in a previous post, some people respond beautifully and come in straight away, others hang around the margins a bit and I note their interest. It’s about the feel good factor. It’s about making each other feel good – not lying or faking it, but being positive. And I have needed to be brave and walk the talk. I value my own freedom very highly and I feel that perhaps other people prize their freedom highly too, so I have tried to give others the things I want for myself. Sometimes this is difficult – it means letting go of insecurities – and letting people go too, as I have just done with one significant other. But he needs to go where he needs to go and I need to go where I need to go, so it looks for the moment as though our paths lead to different places.

   Thanks again for the wonderful article – and I love the way you revisit your old writing – case in point: the relationship is not linear, and that includes the relationship with yourself.

   Love to all,

   Indrani xx

6. Thank you, Eric. One of my all time favorite blogs from anywhere, right down to the photgraphy. It genuinely helped me to get clear on several issues. It sticks with me to this day. Please understand no pun intended when i say this is a seminal piece of work.