A Message from Pres. Obama on his Birthday

Distributed via Associated Press and Bloomberg News

My Fellow Americans:

Today is my 51st birthday, and on this occasion, I have decided to tell you the truth about who I am. There has been much rumor and speculation: that I am not really a citizen; that I am not loyal to the United States; and that I am a Muslim. Some even contend that my entire identity is a “complete fabrication,” in the succinct words of Conservapedia, and that even my birth announcement in the Honolulu Post is a forgery, along with my birth records in Hawaii.

Some of the rumors that are circulating are even stranger than that. We have devoted an office in the White House, staffed by social media specialists and paralegals, that tracks what people are saying about me, and it is odd. But as they say, truth is stranger than fiction.

I have decided on this day to come clean. This way, when the time comes to vote on Election Day, you will know what choice I actually represent — and you will choose me. As you were so kind as to endorse my selection as “president” by what I will call the larger political forces, expressing such touching American idealism, I want you to know the reality of the situation, which I believe you deserve.

Much has been said of my involvement with an organization called ACORN, supposedly a community outreach and citizen activist group in Chicago. That was an important base of operations for a much larger — and I do mean significantly larger — mission.

Let’s begin with my birth. Though he’s something of an arrogant fop, Donald Trump is correct. Part of our strategy is to reveal bits of truth through unlikely or seemingly non-credible sources, so that we inoculate ourselves. In reality, I was not born in Hawaii. My entire Hawaiian identity is a ruse; it’s fictional. If you only knew how easy it is to fabricate documents, even to the point of replacing the few microfilm copies of the Honolulu Post that exist, and the two or three dusty binders of crumbling back issues in libraries, you would be surprised.

Our intelligence operatives do this kind of thing all the time, and it would be no problem finding vintage birth certification forms from 1960, if we needed them. However, all of these documents were filed at the time of my birth, as I was born to preside over not only the United States but also this thing that my stepfather referred to as the New World Order. (There are in fact another 37 “unoccupied identities” that might have been used for me, and which may be used for others in the future.)

I was in fact born in Kenya, on the Bush family compound there. The Bush family and the Kennedy family go back a long way; our connection to Kenya, once a British colony, goes back to Joe Kennedy, John F.’s father, who was ambassador to Britain under Roosevelt.

Both (really, all three) of these families are known for their long view of history — and their long-range plans. They knew even in the 1950s that there would be a need for a black president, mainly to avoid a racial uprising and to preserve the image of the United States as “progressive,” and I was bred for this purpose. In the mid-1950s, when the Civil Rights movement was coming to a boil, a study by Rand Corporation said that there would have to be a black president by 2012 or there would be a high probability of racial uprising. That possibility was preempted by just four short years.

My mentor and stepfather is George H. W. Bush. It is funny that liberals refer to him as “Pappy Bush,” because that’s exactly how I know him — Pappy. He’s a good and caring man, and he raised me from before infancy, taking more interest in me than any of his biological children — but he had plans for me. And yes, something unfortunate happened to George W. as a small child, but I will not get into that here.

My actual name is Barry Soetoro. I morphed into “Barack Hussein Obama” in 1989, just prior to Gulf War I, when both Saddam Hussein and Osama bin Laden were on the CIA payroll. The plan to convert them to enemies was long sealed; they wanted a name evocative of those future enemies, partly as camouflage and, I will admit, partly as a joke. (And one of my nicknames quickly became “Black Osama.”)

As an ordinary citizen you may not see the humor in the kind of “direct actions” (as they are called) that are accomplished by the New World Order; you don’t see how obviously ridiculous they are, in part because some of the stupidest people in the world are the talking heads you watch and trust on television — and if they don’t get it, and then say it, you never will. The Sept. 11 incident was so obviously a setup that it would be impossible to miss, except for the fact that not even Keith Olbermann, or Rachel Maddow, or Jon Stewart has ever breathed a word about it.

The only newscaster to say anything has been Geraldo Rivera, but nobody believes him anyway. We planted that story on FOX News to relieve pressure, and to confuse liberals, who would certainly wonder why FOX was the only station to say anything. But I digress.

I have been called a communist, a socialist and a fascist. In the pure sense, I am all three, which are branches of the same metaphilosophy — though in truth I am something that many of you have suspected, and that some would consider worse.

I represent what you might think of as an extralegal jurisdiction: neither me, nor my dual family background — the Kennedy clan and the Bush clan, who are actually not-so-distant cousins — are properly what you would call “Earthlings.” Neither our souls nor our genetics (not DNA but something called XMA) are human. (I personally possess partial human DNA sequences, to make me more convincing.)

Though this will sound outrageous to some and unbelievable to others, many of you correctly suspect something close to this fact: my “people” and I originate from Alpha Draconis. The troubled history of your planet has been presided over by the Thubans, shape-shifting reptile-beings from that star system, who are not planning to take over the Earth; for all practical purposes, we already have.

In closing, I would like to correct one idea — that I am planning to collect all the guns, and melt them into materials that will be used to construct concentration camps organized by FEMA, in which you all will soon live. This is a paranoid flight of fancy, spread mainly by gun manufacturers. We don’t need to do anything like that. The truth is that we can leave this place, and you cannot. And as for the person who has told you so much about this, David Icke, I suggest you ask him how he knows.

One last thought. Today is being celebrated as my birthday; however, it’s more of what you would call my “modification day,” when my genetic code was formed into the familiar, friendly-seeming entity that became me. Monsanto will soon be taking this project public, as soon as I put several more of its representatives on the Supreme Court, who will then make synthetic genetic recombination mandatory for everyone.

Thank you. May God bless you, and may God bless America.

Sincerely yours,

Barry Soetoro
a/k/a Barack Hussein Obama