Part two in this series is called Tools for the Frontier.
For many, this weekend’s Mars-Nessus conjunction succeeded at bringing up many deep, personal issues to awareness. The Full Moon shining across the Leo-Aquarius axis helped bring things to light. Full Moons increase contrast and can help us to see in the dark.
If what I am hearing from readers, friends and clients is representative of anything, deep material has been coming to the surface, and there is growing awareness that sexual healing is a subject that must come into focus.
(You may scan back over the Daily Astrology feature for more background, and I covered the territory in some depth in the most recent Planet Waves FM. I will continue in the forthcoming edition of PW FM as well.)
Mercury is now in mid-Aquarius and is also heading for a conjunction to Nessus. That happens Feb. 2, as the Sun reaches its peak in Aquarius. Mercury approaching Nessus over the next week is likely to focus the the discussion in an even more conscious way than Mars did, and shift the theme to communication.
In a nice dash of cosmic wit, the Sun and Nessus are conjunct on Valentine’s Day. By that time, Venus will also be in Aquarius, covering the same territory though from a more emotional perspective. Venus makes a conjunction to Nessus on Feb. 25.
Meanwhile, planets are heading for Pisces and a series of conjunctions to Neptune and Chiron, deepening access to the emotional realms. We are going to be here for a while.
The first question is not necessarily where to go next; it’s figuring out where we are now. Part of what makes this moment so critical involves not understanding our situation; part involves many solutions that only contribute to the problem, such as purity campaigns, fear-based conservatism and putting the issues ‘out of your mind’ with or without anxiety meds.
Yet another part involves a lack of places to turn, as well as many therapists who are either ignorant of sex or afraid to bring it up, whether out of ignorance, embarrassment or fear of losing their license. Many ‘energy healers’ lack any real training in this realm, and plenty have become ‘energy healers’ specifically to avoid the core material. Healers who don’t want to go there are likely afflicted with the same problem the work would be designed to address.
For nearly all people doing hands-on work, the pelvis is verboten. There are relatively few books available that address this range of topics in a coherent, understanding and accessible way — publishers are generally not interested in anything potentially controversial.
So, we stand at a frontier. The frontier is the direction of consciousness, awareness, healing — and on the next level, creating.
It’s easy to pretend the problems don’t exist; it’s easy to go on ‘having fun’ and doing what feels good in the moment. That’s the usual method. Eventually, though, most people experience the issues coming back to the surface. Many have figured out that there is a cycle involved — the issue might follow you from one relationship to the next, or disappear beneath the surface and reappear later in a different form.
An Astrological Picture
Let’s take a moment and review the astrology. Nessus, discovered in 1993, is a small object in our solar system, the orbit of which extends past Neptune on the far end and closer than Uranus on the near end. It takes 122.4 years to orbit the Sun. Nessus was the third centaur (first was Chiron in 1977, then Pholus in 1992). It’s currently in Aquarius, the sign of mental thought forms and social trends.
On Saturday, Mars — the planet of action, desire and aggression — made a conjunction to Nessus, a once per two-year event. Mars is closely involved with sex because it’s about desire that we act on. The problem with Mars is that not everyone uses theirs, and many do so in messy ways. As a result we often perceive desire or action as having a victim: I’ll get what I want, or do what I want, at someone else’s expense. Mars conjunct Nessus may have pointed to the sensation of victimhood as associated with desire.
Nessus involves psychological shadow material, even more so than most of the other centaurs — emotions such as body shame, guilt, self-reproach and anxiety projected into/onto the genitals. Also included are potentially inappropriate sexual contact, the legacy material associated with rape, subtler violations of sexual consent, and sex within families where the abuse of trust or power is the deeper issue (known as incest).
Nessus also describes cycles of karma, which sometimes can seem endless, and extend from, or into, the lives of many people we’re associated with. It’s like the hall of mirrors where every potential consequence for anything you’ve done, or any fear, is looking right back at you.
It’s About Trust
Our modern crisis of trust within relationships, betrayal and the whole complex of thought and experience around sexually transmitted infections often come up when Nessus is in the picture. This seems to have been true for a good few people this week as Mars, the planet of desire, approached its conjunction with Nessus as the Full Moon came to a peak late Saturday and into Sunday.
The ‘lesson’ of Nessus is to take control by taking responsibility, starting with being aware of the situation you face. Melanie Reinhart’s keynote for this planet is “the buck stops here,” which in your life means with you.
We live in the midst of a society in sexual crisis. Many factors have led us here; we don’t need to look far, though that still doesn’t make it easy to call the crisis what it is. We tend to go on pretending, or using work-arounds and various forms of evasion, often not knowing what else to do.
The crisis as I see it includes fear of abandonment or betrayal, the conflation of sex and violence, desire stirring up fear and shame, jealousy and the blind terror that even the notion of it can induce, and any form of anxiety associated with pleasure. Guilt and judgment are involved. And when this stuff surfaces, it can take over entirely, shutting down the expression of love and pleasure.
The work-arounds usually involve some form of denial or avoidance, for example, monogamy as a means to avoiding fear of sexual infections or jealousy. This works until it does not — that is, until the fear surfaces anyway, or gets expressed in a new way that the work-around doesn’t address.
For example, if you deal with the fear of sexually transmitted infections by being with one partner, you can still encounter something in the medical literature informing you that someone can have something undetected from 15 years ago. Or a partner has some element of their history they haven’t shared — and that can set off a new eruption of the crisis.
The Frontier
I think that at this point, the most helpful thing we can do is admit where we are; that is to say, within your own life, admit where you are. If you have a partner or a lover, I suggest you make a list of all the things you have not said to that person. If you’re in therapy, make a list of everything you have not told your therapist. The contents of the list itself, and whether you reveal some (or all) of that material, will be a test of whether you trust that person.
I think that it’s fair to define intimacy as the combination of awareness and communication. This implies vulnerability, which is not intimacy per se — it’s one of the conditions that makes it possible. Vulnerability requires trust, and that calls for understanding.
What we have not said, which can include what we haven’t fully admitted to ourselves, is the frontier where we stand. A frontier is not a full-service campground. It’s not the Marriott. It’s going to be necessary to improvise, and to take some risks, though useful, well-developed tools are available. Part of what we need to do is find those tools and begin to make use of them.
I suggest we not look for solutions but rather for clarity. One tool is to identify a person in your life whom you trust enough to have full disclosure with. Remember — this may not be your lover, if certain topics are off the table. It may not be your therapist if you don’t feel comfortable talking about sex.
But if you think carefully, you may identify one person you trust who doesn’t have a vested interest in your outcome (i.e., feel personally threatened by what you say and feel). If you cannot find such a person, notice the fears that led you to that state. Be explicit with yourself what you don’t want to talk about. Often the morass of ‘confusion’ is like a hedge between you and the truth. Therefore, be clear with yourself, which may take a number of days or weeks to accomplish.
There was one philosopher in the 20th century who was willing to enter this territory — his name was Wilhelm Reich. He warned against trying to go forward with grand plans about the future without first addressing what he called the emotional plague, the very thing I’ve been describing.
He wrote: “It would amount to insanity to initiate such major projects as ‘children of the future’ or ‘world citizenship’ without comprehending how it was possible that all this misery went on for millennia unabated, unrecognized, unchallenged.”
Now is the time, at least, to recognize what is happening to us. It’s time to face within, which is the frontier.
I’ll have specific suggestions for how to move through this territory in Monday night’s edition, and in this week’s Planet Waves FM. If you have ideas or experiences to share, please post them into the comments area.
Thanks, Lizzy. 🙂 I’ve not taken Cherry Plum in that context, so I’ll add that to the mix. I should probably make a visit to the essences in the store and see if any new ones jump out at me.
Sounds great, Maeve! Cherry Plum is also excellent, when dealing with trauma, mental torment, etc – have been taking lots of it lately. And Olive helps give strength.
Lizzy – as soon as I realized what was going on, I started dosing liberally (two drops under the tongue, morning and night) with Star of Bethlehem and Honeysuckle. I’ve been adding in Rock Water, Rock Rose, and Mimulus as feels appropriate. I got those from a dream/nightmare from a shadow creature and they’ve been helpful for the after-effects of too common nightmares. Thank you for your recommendation, though. 😀
Maeve, was wondering whether you’ve ever worked with Bach flower remedies. One has to go easy with these remedies because they’re very powerful – but if you were able to find someone who really knows how to work with them, could be really helpful for you in releasing stuff, remembering to go very slowly and gently with it.
Whatever Nessus and Mars are doing, it seems I am destined of late to be the one who screams reason in a situation of craziness. I seem to be the one who is tasked with being not only the voice of reason within the groups of people I know IRL but to be the voice of restraint and wisdom. I seem to be the check dam and like my astrology teacher said; it is my purpose but it will mean I have few friends despite my compassion and helpful nature. She said people will resent me for this; and for my choice to always to do the hard work life entails in order to do things right for right’s sake. I am no longer willing to step away from my responsibility to be the light; the reason, the compassion, the container for change.
I will be 53 next month (Pisces, Feb 22) and I feel the weight of every year of experience and intelligence and wisdom and intuition. It sits lightly on me but it is there, calling me to BE and DO, HELP, LOVE, SHARE, CONTAIN, REASON, and CALL FOR RESTRAINT. Such perfect words for a Pisces with Virgo rising and Capricorn moon; I was born for this and I am finally not shrinking from it. Not that I don’t get attacked for these; I do and it hurts deeply at times. Yet I am an incredibly strong person with a marshmallow heart. It takes being fearful but willing. And I am willing to surrender to service despite the pain it brings at times.
Is it time for you to be what you need to be?
Oh that’s interesting indeed, Eric. Natal Chiron is close to square natal Nessus to begin with, (3 degree orb AQ to TAU) and other dates/time/places fall into a pattern to be sure. Thanks for pointing out the Chiron/Nessus connection.
paola – thank you for your words. In my memory, the main thing I notice is light (and there’s not much). I get the sense that when it’s time, there will be more light, and I will see more clearly.
Eric – thank you. I’ve sat with your words (the more cryptic ones) for a while. Initially, reactively, they told me what I didn’t want to hear, didn’t want to know. And the possible ramifications if it were true. I kept quiet so that I could not just react in my own head, but respond. Combined with your more recent comment, it jives a bit more. There is something not right with assigning my father automatically to that role. I _know_ I have other history just as suspect, but I don’t have faces to go along with it. I’m not saying it might not be true, but maybe it’s not. Maybe it is. Don’t know yet. I’ll know when it’s time. It’s taken this long to get here, to amass all these tools, it’s all right if it takes a little longer. With support, I’ll find out what I need to find out, bittersweet though it may be.
BTW
To translate my prior comment into fewer words, in all these matters of healing and resolution:
TRUST YOURSELF.
I just want to say thank you to Eric and everyone at Planet Waves for making this such a sacred, safe place for all of us to be.
Thank you Carrie. I guess these experiences are what draw us to this website, looking for answers. The only reason astrology interests me at all is because the math always works. I’m dumbfounded by it at times. What I know with certainty is that a lot of these people were molested by others, and acting out is an obvious result. That is how I’ve been able to forgive them.
“…the last thing the victim of a sexual assault needs is a damn guilt trip.”
Amen! Thanks for posting the quote, Carrie. It’s a fine one.
Wowow
Wow Not knowing any of this, i was at the gyn on Friday. I may have an enlarged ovary and was tested for STD. There are no coincidences!
From the previously posted link (oh how I wish we could mofdify our posts):
“In some ways, it feels like a Catch-22 — if we don’t report sexual assault, no one realizes how extensive the problem is and nothing changes; if we do report sexual assault, we are disbelieved and mocked and shamed and interrogated and blamed. And nothing changes.
Here it is as plain as I can say it: If you have been raped, you do not have any obligation to any other woman to report your rape. It is not your fault you were raped. It is not your fault if the person who raped you rapes other people. That, too, is the fault of the rapist.
If you choose to report after a sexual assault, I support you. That is a brave and meaningful action.
But if you choose not to report? I am also here to support you. You are not failing other women. Your only responsibility is to take care of yourself.
Because the last thing the victim of a sexual assault needs is a damn guilt trip.”
By Marianne on XOJane.
Hi Eric. Thought provoking to be sure and oh so helpful. I have gone back to specific dates on my natal chart to look at transits – specifically to see where Nessaus was placed – as well as Pluto and Mars (ok and Jupiter and Venus) Veeeery interesting and not at all surprising what I saw.
That said, my personal frontier contains a wasteland of persons whom I trust completely. Every relationship is a line or series of lines drawn to various components of mySelf, but nowhere is there one entity outside of myself who knows me as well as me. I am not familiar with how one could have EVERY element of self known by any other – knowing that that Other may most probably move on down a different road at some junction (aha! and that’s where experience of betrayal steps in, eh? I see now more of what you are getting at.) In so seeing, I’ll open the gates a little more to see just how deep this moment can go.
Thank you.
Patty,
This one is for you: http://www.xojane.com/issues/you-owe-it-to-other-women-why-you-dont-owe-it-to-anyone-else-to-report-your-rape?utm_medium=facebook
It is never your fault if a molester or rapist does it again; THEY are the one doing the bad things.
Damn. Eric, when you are right, you are right!
Well, I don’t know where to begin, so I’ll begin from the most recent events.
Over the holidays, I FINALLY confided in my mother about contacting herpes five years ago from a loser one night stand. It was incredibly powerful experience for me. She was supportive, attentive, non-jugdmental and sympathetic. After growing up Catholic with a rocky teen age past, this was actually a feat between me and my mother.
At the time, the diagnosis was an intensely traumatic experience. For a 24 year old girl, in a new city with no friends, I had no idea what to do. To be clear, I wasn’t raped. But, as my anger and resentment grew over the years, the vile invasion of my body and absolute helplessness I felt, the experience began to feel ‘like’ a rape. Over the years, I learned to deny, ignore and downgrade my feelings and thoughts. The years spent in denial, repression, secrecy and shame got the best of me.
For four years, I hid in shame. I was absolutely TERRIFIED of rejection and abandonment. I thought about how the LAST person I would tell would be my own mother. She would be so mad at me! She would for sure reject me. How could anyone love me? Why would anyone want to be with me? I lived in the guilt of fear of transmission. I treated myself like damaged goods. And as most of know: what you put out, you get back in return. What you radiate, you attract.
I couldn’t accept this new fate, so in turn, I did anything to be “normal.” I lied to partners, I slept around, hoping I could turn back time. I KNOW this isnt ethical or cool. I am learning >>> the hard way! (Please keep reading.) I cheated on loser after loser. I ran from the truth. I got really detached from being “me” and I really began to hate myself.
However…
2012 was the them of healing. After moving home in mid 2011 because I had quit my job due to intense dance with near alcoholism, I decided enough is enough. I can’t go on living in such repressive shame and guilt. I did therapy years ago for stress management and anxiety. But even then, I wasn’t tackling the “real” issues there.
I started to confide in people I actually trusted and cared for me. I told friends meaningfully. I applied to grad school and got in! I dropped all the loser friends and boyfriends. I was learning how to accept this and learned how to get the right support.
I joined an online and real life support group. I cant say enough about how much the support group helped me process the guilt/shame and understand my emotions and reality. I was finally getting my own education about herpes. I learned to accept and deal. I didn’t act so ignorant anymore. I learned to take care better care of myself to prevent outbreaks. I learned how honesty will only attract the people I need in my life. I learned how to turn this curse into a blessing. (NEVER thought I would write that!) I learned that it wasn’t my fault. And its not the end of the world. And to live your life with fear guiding you is a clear recipe for disaster. I started the long (on-going) and very necessary process of forgiveness.
Now, Saturday was spent painting (one of my passions) and consoling a friend through her a personal crisis. It made me feel great I could actually help someone else from the years I spent dealing with my own crisis. I went to the gym. I did my homework like a good kid (currently earning a 3.95 GPA) and I watched a funny movie, sober. Nothing life altering really happened that day. But I realize that I had to alter SO much in my life to finally feel “normal” on a Saturday night. Saturday was a reckoning of how far I have come in this process of sexual trauma, pain, shame, guilt and repression. Sharing with my mother only confirmed a lot of the “punishment” I put myself through was self induced mostly out of fear. I was on the frontline on my own frontier for years, scared like a chicken to face crossing over.
I share this story, yes its long, only as an inspiration to others to have the courage and tenacity to deal head on with the painful secrets about an STD that weigh you down. Its not pretty. Its not fun. But you are worth it because there is a better life waiting for you. I hope someone reads this and can relate and it makes their day better. Peace is within you.
The older I get the more guilt I have over not turning in the people/relatives who molested me. The second conscious memory is of one whose step-son hanged himself a few years ago, the first (a neighbor) went to jail early in life and I have no knowledge of what happened to him after that (I was about 6 or 7).
A third person’s whereabouts are unknown to me, but last I heard he is a drug addict. The fourth was my best friend’s husband. I walked out of their lives and never looked back. I was 18. A little later her sister told me that he had raped her and that her parents knew about it. She was 16. Never once did it occur to me to tell on any of these people, and nor did I know who to even talk to about it. It happened, I moved on.
Here’s the thing, and the dream segment a few days ago was about this – no-one ever ever called the police about anything, especially in the 50s and early 60s. It must be a hold over from the old country when everyone protected each other from the tyrants in charge. It’s one of my earliest memories of parental instructions – you do not rat to the police! Is it a good idea to question children about this sort of thing?
I don’t have an answer. What I know is that my old best friend and i met a couple of years ago, and that was when it hit me that I should have complained, and her sister’s parents CERTAINLY should have done something, even if it was just to shoot the sonofabitch themselves. She is still married to him, and my feeling was that she wanted me to forgive him. She didn’t bring it up but that was my gut feeling. I made vague promises to visit her house, but we haven’t met. The reason I regret not causing trouble was because she brought her daughter with her to our meeting. The daughter CLEARLY had a problem, as she weighed 400 lbs.
She was a sweet girl, but instinct told me there was more going on than met the eyes. It never occurred to me one time during my various trials to ever complain about the perverts, but it hit me hard when I met that sweet girl and I blamed myself and her grandparents. Did the other person molest the stepson? I am sick with the worrying about it. I know they visit the grave once a week, no doubt with the guilt eating them alive. People who are in a position to do something about wrongdoing just simply should not look the other way.
I just can’t believe it didn’t occur to me to ‘rat’ on these people, but up until a few years ago, all of my thoughts about it were self-centered. My mind simply didn’t even wonder if there were other victims. For the record, the friend’s husband had cancer about 10 years ago and is no longer able to function sexually. I always knew she and he were somewhat ‘oversexed’ (word from the 60s) and thought they were well suited to each other. I’m sure she knew why I left, but after the little sister was attacked, I can’t think why she stayed married to him. They never called me to ask why I never called or came back.
Some false pride maybe, hoping no-one would find out. I can still see her little sister, and how she looked when she told me. She was crying for help and like the thousands of others in the same position, had no-where to go. I questioned my kids frequently, and they learned good touch and bad touch, and I never allowed them to be associated with sex symbols. As a child, I was known as “Little Marilyn Monroe.”
What were my parents thinking? What are these people thinking who dress their children in slutty clothes and makeup and let them compete in beauty contests? They are out of their freaking minds!!!
The shape of the shadows reveals the shape of what is hidden.
It is who you think it is. It is who it feels like.
Maeve, thanks for sharing this. And for your courage.
I understand this feeling of seeing a picture but not really knowing who the person is, maybe the father but I don’t know. Vague and precise at the same time. Who knows.
Thank you, DivaCarla.
{{{{{Maeve}}}}
carecare7 – *hugs back* Thank you. I appreciate the response. 🙂
I really want to start putting things together – long time health issues, emotional issues/responses, and tie them into things. But I also get the sense that’s old patterns trying to jump in, rather than what needs to happen.
…
Also, I forgot to include this in my original comment. I spoke with my gods this morning, and they were sad for me, about how much this hurt me. And about how they couldn’t exactly prevent it (they were not with me in the same capacity, then). But there is a small silver lining. That it all needed to happen exactly how it has, to prepare me, to help me be the me I need to be, to do the things I need to do. I needed to have these experiences, forget them until I was ready and had the tools to handle it (I admit to clinging a little to this idea – I wouldn’t be going through this now unless now was the time), and learn from them to be exactly who I am and will be.
{{{Maeve}}} Thanks for sharing. That was profound.
Thanks Eric for this profound reflection on Nessus which my allowed to better understand
I could wish you weren’t so spot on with this piece, Eric.
Saturday at my therapy session (mind plus body, it’s great for me), I started unraveling some really, really repressed memories. It all started when talking about my sex life (I just typed “self” instead of sex, how’s that for a “typo), or lack thereof. I just generally don’t feel saucy at all. I know I just had surgery (late November, to remove a large ovarian cyst (turns out the right ovary had to come out, too) that ended up being an endometrioma… an orange-sized ball of old, dead blood), but it’s been an issue since before then.
We started talking about why I haven’t felt sexually inclined, which turned out to be fear and feeling uncomfortable. Which reminded me that the last time I had some sort of relations with my husband, the power was out, there was no light, and (I’m having serious difficulty even typing this… talking about it is worse) I kept thinking it was my father. Even thinking about it makes me nauseous.
I have no conscious knowledge of any sort of sexual abuse as a child. I didn’t have a great childhood, there was a lot of emotional abuse (I believe, due to crazyness, not outright maliciousness), and I had very little support as a child. Early on, I took care of my parents as a way to manage my environment. Keep them happy, things are better for me. It’s taken a very long time to dig through all of this stuff to … be more emotionally whole and capable. But, even through all of that, I have no recollection of any sort of physical abuse.
What I got from therapy on Saturday is still very vague. Just a room, a certain kind of light, and the feeling that I was powerless, that I couldn’t say no. I couldn’t pull up any more, and even just that made me cry and cry. My therapist advised me to not analyze all of this, not to pick it apart (a coping mechanism of mine – reduce it to logic), and not to try to remember everything all at once – just let the emotion flow and let it go.
I know this may be wishful thinking, but I don’t know if it’s actually my father, or my brain is just using him as a fill in. Something about it just doesn’t jive. On the other hand, back then, he was really crazy, so it might not have been “him”, per se. These days, he’s much more sane, the episodes are less severe, and he’s pretty capable. He still lacks memory from A LOT of things. I have almost no memories up to about age 10. Just a few here and there. But I know he blocks things out. He had prostate surgery a few years ago, and I stayed at the house with my parents to help. He was a cruel asshole (because he was in pain and scared and his meds were really messed up). He made me help with things and clean things and move things (intentionally being vague here… I’m at work, I need to keep a little sanity) and it was really ungood for me, but I didn’t feel I could say no, it was all old patterns. I finally stood up for myself, and told them, I was there to help them, and if he was going to continue acting like this, I’d be on the next plane out of town. He got a little better, but not all the way better. Anyhow – he remembers none of this. Nothing. In his head, everything at the hospital, at home, all was fine. He was taking a thorazine every 1-3 hours, he was so angry. But he remembers none of it.
I am lucky that my therapist is comfortable talking about this and is helping me through it. It’s hard. Part of me doesn’t want to. It’s uncomfortable. But I know things can’t stay how they are now, in a number of ways. I want to have a physically and emotionally healthy sex life. I want to be comfortable around my husband. I want my head to feel good. On the other hand, all of this really feels like… life-altering. It’s hard and I don’t know what to do with it or about it.
On top of all of that, it seems my life path is coalescing. I’m getting more and more information, just in snippets, about part of the reason I’m here. Sacred problem solver, using my Mercurial skill with words. Got a clear vision earlier this week (as a result of helping a friend), and talked to my therapist about it on Saturday, and it was a great conversation. And then she made an off-hand comment about my sex life or something, and it all fell apart from there. But I stepped to it. She opened the door, and I said (proverbially), okay, let’s do this.
It was a bit of a shock, but not surprise that this article talks so frankly about what’s going on with me. I hope to see more discussion on this, to have help to guide my heart.
(ps – I’m sorry this is so long. I’ve not actually spoken about any of this to anyone since Saturday with my therapist (except my husband, briefly, to whom I said I am uncovering apparently very repressed memories about some sort of sexual abuse, and left it at that), because I couldn’t figure out how.
Isabelle Filliozat (2 L’s)
Heart intelligence, Isabelle Filiozat
Thank you Eric for continually writing about Nessus.
“It would amount to insanity to initiate such major projects as ‘children of the future’ or ‘world citizenship’ without comprehending how it was possible that all this misery went on for millennia unabated, unrecognized, unchallenged.”
Reich was a scout, ahead of his time, and got caught between the Nazis and the Puritans. Would we have heard of him had he chosen Scandinavia instead of choosing persecution in the US? I must make a pilgrimage to Rangely, Maine, this summer.
This past significant decade, Nessus has been raking over my natal Chiron, Venus, QB1, and Mercury, and squaring its position in my natal chart, on the DC. It does feel like a scrubbing. Lots of healing, and lots of hurt. Easy to cast blame on the others, but I’ve been the one holding back, not ready, dancing in and out, demanding that others storm my castle to prove to me that I am loveable. Nobody wants to work that hard. This has played out with lovers and with my larger tribe. Sometimes it’s all clashed and crashed. Then where does one go, but retreat to the castle. Pull up the draw bridge. No! I listened to my annual reading! Down goes the drawbridge, leave the castle, hit the road with my entourage. Be visible.
In the bigger picture, I volunteer to follow Reich on the trail. I’m interviewing a healer who specializes in helping survivers of sex abuse reclaim their lost parts. I’m standing publicly and vocally with the tribe of healers, some working directly with sexuality. Some working about liberation and voice for women and girls world wide. There is no voice without sexual freedom and pure 100% ownership of one’s own body and sexuality. Anything else is slavery.
The inner planets are riding over Nessus the next few weeks in Aquarius, and for the next two years, as Nessus completes his tour before sidling into Pisces. If this is an opportunity to heal the collective, then let’s all stand together, and get this healing mainstreamed.
Eagerly awaiting tonight’s report and Planetwaves.fm.
I have a friend who is having huge trust issues right now. I hold space for her to talk about these and I don’t advise her; it is for her to decide what she will do about her feelings on this. She was abused as a child both psychologically and sexually and it has messed up her feelings about herself and her trust in others. I feel her pain and I hope my listening helps her. I don’t feel qualified to advise her so I just listen and provide a loving attitude and compassionate space for her. I do hope it is enough.
frank with me (rather than you) typo
Thoughtful piece there Eric! Hello everyone!
Alex, reading what you said made me think of Green star gazer’s different types of people (loosely those who go deeper and those who go larger and wider – I know that is too simple).One type perhaps is more ‘aquarian’: lines of thought, very gifted at all sorts of stuff, and the other ‘type’ has an awareness that ‘scans’ and then if you mix the two it can work, one (largely) hold’s the centre and they both go wider and larger and deeper together or it can be a nightmare – one anchoring and the other getting larger and wider and the anchor holds the weight.
Lots of different and not easily put together ways of being, unless agreed, and then it is alot about clear and understood communication (and getting there at all).
Aside I was at an interesting talk on friday about emotions and opening the heart. I’ll find the reference I didn’t catch the woman’s name. What she said was interesting about emotions serving a purpose – physical reaction to danger (or other event) – surge of energy: clarity action: release (trembling crying anger orgasm etc) and then the body is back to normal. it is relatively quick. if your anger (for example) lasts for hours it is parasitic – either a substitute, or evidence of a broken cycle or something else unexpressed. And often it suffices to relive the actual event from where it was broken – ‘don’t cry.’ ‘Don’t make too much noise’ (when you are happy) are two simple examples of breaking the cycle. Of course the thing is to find where you are blocked or diverted.
Emotions clarify who you are to you: anger is reestablishing boundaries, disgust: that is not part of me etc etc (crucial in coming through abuse). From feeling your emotions and following them through you become clear about who you are.
Of course this isn’t a panacea doesn’t cover everything.
The most interesting part of the evenign was where she took questions and demonstrated using kinesiology the effect of being ‘put down’. A volunteer held out her arm and held it up while the animatrice tried to push it down. She couldn’t push it down. But saying ‘You are stupid you will never manage to make anything of your life,’ etc etc the volunteer couldn’t hold her arm up although she tried. Normally in a workshop they go through various things there wasn’t time for so she said to the woman can you feel loving kindness to me no matter what I do or say. And the other thought she could and doing that even ‘abused’ she held her arm up.
The animatrice had already demonstrated her honesty throughout the lecture and the questions, in fact her readiness to put herself on the line and be frank and ‘true’ was integral to the whole thing. So we trusted her. A fact.
She asked the volunteer what she felt. the volunteer didn’t really know how to reply and the lecturer said – no you see if you don’t say the audience will think that I was pushing differently or we were possibly faking the demonstration.
‘O no,’ she said. ‘you pushed just as hard as when my arm was weak as when it was strong.’
?(Trust is trust but it isn’t ‘stupid’. if I sense someone isn’t being frank with you, or I haven’t understood in a way that I can trust. I don’t trust. it isn’t a question of being mistrustful, just wary where I sense that I haven’t understood enough to trust, or enough that I know I can handle anything that happens). The woman talked about mirror receptor neurones as to how we interpret the emotional ‘trueness’ of others. She mentioned that babies that have a dummy alot are less good at reading emotions because they haven’t smiled back to those who smile at them and have in effect been ‘shut up’.
I should have taken a pen and paper.
Many thanks for the astrological delineation, Eric! Nessus sure is a loaded critter.. I often think that human culture and exposure to contemporary technology and media has led to a concertina effect, where experience/time/consciousness has been compressed like an accordion. In terms of our brains, it feels like we have been called upon to evolve much faster than our neurological matrix is designed to allow.
The human brain seems to work well with information processing akin to that of a camera snapping a sequence of stills, but less well when required to operate in camcorder mode.. I attribute this is no small part to the microcomputer revolution that shows no sign of losing momentum 30 years after it began. The nature of consciousness is changing and the era of Neptune in Aquarius and the expansion of the Web, broadly parallels that. It seems to me that, as you rightly point out, our structures are not fit for purpose in terms of addressing what is being dredged up. For me, this is more of a collective problem than one of specifically the psychology of any given individual.
The movie Closer, was a very interesting look at (and expression of) the Western fixation upon relationships. Going back to the Industrial Revolution some 150 years ago, it seems clear that the nature of human connection seems to have undergone a radical reinterpretation. We might ask fruitfully whether or not, and/or to what degree, it is the connection itself that has changed or our investment in a collective ‘delusion’ of relationship. It seems to involve both but teasing them apart may prove helpful.
It seems to me that when we place the microscope upon issues like trust, as correlated to interpersonal psychology, well that is one way to develop matters. Human beings though are like icebergs and what we “see” of A.N. Other is different than the iceberg portion present beneath the water line. So, intrepidly, and bearing in mind the fact that brains are struggling to keep up with the social-cultural evolutionary pace, we can set out to unearth the subtle complexities of interpersonal psychology expressed through the signifier “trust” and perhaps tie ourselves in ever greater knots; or could we perhaps venture onto an alternate path?
It is interesting that in many contemporary treatment modalities for anxiety (essentially fear-based complexes) any significant amount of introspection is contra-indicated because it gets the client to focus in areas where they are already heavily invested in an unhelpful way. Now, thinking about our culture’s obsession with relationships, might the optimal approach not be to unpack that and look closely at it? Might that not be symptomatic of the original bind? If, for example, we engaged 50 philosophers of language to debate the word “trust” do we believe consensus would be reached any time soon? “Trust” is an elusive beast at the best of times.
I wonder whether the most helpful therapeutic approaches that help a client find their centre, might not be more grounded in distraction and pragmatism than direct and introspective methods? By distraction I mean perhaps focus upon the broader connections in a relational framework and by pragmatism I mean encouraging clients to look at containing structures and cultural/social apparatus, more than say, the murky workings of their own psychology; the opening up of which, without skilled assistance, may raise as many confusing issues in a cascading spiral as are solved by starting out on that path?
I am not suggesting that looking at trust as a value has no merit. However, my trust requirements may be the sticking point in my therapeutic journey. It may be important for a person to explore relationships for a while minus any criterion of trust. That may involve exploring functional criteria of exchange and examining only strictly the outer shape and form of transactions, so that they may find their bearings on multiple levels. Simply to interiorise issues of relating to psychological components may not be universally beneficial.
It seems to me that the way people are admonished to transcend their wounding, may be strengthened precisely by SUSPENDING the investment in models of relationship that have become intrinsically distorted and to instead recover or discover for the first time maybe, broader models of containment through experimenting with broader experiences of connecting. As a simple example, if one can get one’s needs for unconditional relating met through play with one’s cats or dogs or babies, might that not relieve some of the pressure in seeking to get these needs met with a peer? Granted that is an oversimplification, but I think the onus for each of us to explore our wholeness should be on a much broader platform than the introspective/psychological.
It would be interesting to explore how the underpinning Greek myths offer potential to do this. After all, the stories themselves are interesting on several levels that transcend the level of the emotional and dramatic transactions between the characters!
This is a wonderful post, Eric.
When I first learned about Nessus some time ago (through your writing) it was a golden, if disheartening, discovery. Nessus – big sigh here – resides at 25 Taurus in my otherwise unoccupied 7th house. At long last I had something to work with that would explain a lifetime of less than healthy relationship patterns. But because it shed such a harsh light and I didn’t yet understand the work I needed to do, I viewed that placement fatalistically, convincing myself that the stars had dealt me some cruel karmic punishment and I was ‘doomed’ where relationships were concerned.
Fast forward to the current transit. My Sun is at 19 Leo in the 9th, opposite Chiron 20 Aquarius in the 3rd. Given the precision of the current transits in re my own chart, you can be certain its themes of sexual & relationship healing re myself, family patterns, family history – known and unknown – have been bubbling up lately, and endlessly so! I woke up this morning from a dream so clearly about self-healing that it was funny, though not without its poignancy.
Only one of my thoughts lately has been a startling revelation; most are a rehash of old material, though seen in a newer, gentler light. It’s that gentle quality that’s the most encouraging, and the most liberating. What’s surfacing now is not new material, but this time around nothing feels earth-shattering. I’m seeing, connecting, understanding, accepting, and moving on. (Precisely the theme of this morning’s dream, now that I think of it).
In recent months and even weeks, healthier choices have become the obvious and desirable choices, too. Some real healing is going on inside me now, very deep, long sought, long awaited, much needed, and hard earned.
Thanks for a wise and sensitive post, Eric. It’s heartening to know I’m really, *really* absorbing my own cosmic lessons.
I had an experience this past Friday. I had to end a friendship of many years. For me it was clear: we each have to deal and do the work with our own hidden luggage. I couldn’t carry my friend’s problems anymore, I want to act on mine now, but I don’t want to share it. The way I want to proceed is simply by being aware, exploring what’s inside, and at the same time taking each time a creative step closer to what I am becoming.
Brilliant
I’m blessed to be part of a community of compassionate culture menders. My ongoing voice experiments might have been sparked by the energies corresponding to Mars and Nessus. My Nessus is in Gemini and the 9th house and trines my ascendant. Freeing my voice is resulting in better clarity of mind in general. Singing as medicine is strengthening my courage, my ability to mingle and communicate at parties. and most importantly it’s clearing the way of communication between heart and head brains.
I grew up in an atmosphere of verbal abuse disguised as communication. One aspect of the community I’m involved in is that many of them use techniques of non violent communication. Many are also polyamorous. As my voice frees my throat and my head brain can more clearly tune into the much larger energy field of the heart I feel a lessening need to hide my truth. Natal Nessus trines my ascendant; I adopted a slouched posture to hide the true intentions of my heart from my abusers. Adapt or die. Thus these postures have a survival instinct and can be hard to dislodge. I never would have been able to do it without help. We humans can envision things and bring them to fruition, but a 9th house Gemini Nessus says that my visioning process is damaged. Without healthy, compassionate humans to model different behavior I would have been incredibly unlikely to accidentally hit upon ways to get out of my self induced torture.
Part of my trapped voice was dissing of my musical devotions. Freeing my voice is literally singing for my life. I play bass and drums better when the path between head and heart is clear. As my calcified past reactions to the bullying (music is no fit occupation for a Man®) dissolve I come to feel that music is simply part of my humanity. The more I try to stuff it down or cram it into a pre conceived notion the more miserable I am. For humans there’s really no better way to tune head to heart, and if you can dance to tune heart to sex and sex to feet and hands, or to tune the hemispheres of the brain than music. No fit occupation for a man? Ok, I’m no man then. I’ll just sing and be what it is I love to do. I don’t care about being someone’s idea of ‘a man’. Trying to cram myself into that box prevents me from sharing love with the world. The disser kills the kisser…but the buck stops here. I have good teachers and friends and the lover is getting strong enough to embrace and integrate the disser. Dissing isn’t necessarily poisonous when it’s directed. Omnidirectional dissing turned my trip in the garden of earthly delights into a hell scape. With a little help from my friends, it’s getting better all the time.
Thank you so much, dear Eric, for this phenomenal piece. I look forward to the next PW FM. ((()))
I am not certain, really, why it works out for me that I experience these … things … and then read about the big picture here and feel verified. (Verification is a process I am learning about in spades these days. It matters.)
It is. And I am thankful for it. Helps me be the calm in the center. I get to be that person, with support from the stories I read here.
Thank you.