This past week on the Daily Astrology blog, we’ve touched on the idea of “the shadow feminine” in the astrology, and in today’s subscriber issue, Eric takes up the subject with depth and passion. It’s a must-read issue for anyone who’s outraged at the virulence of the current anti-sex, anti-women, anti-freedom campaign — and who knows the public conversation around this issue has yet to get anywhere near the roots of what’s driving it all. If you know that life works best as an affirmative statement — and that constantly being on the defensive about sex continues to cut us off from ourselves — you understand why this issue of Planet Waves matters.
You can read the full-length article, plus astro-news briefs and Eric’s horoscopes for all 12 signs, here. And if you’d like to try us out for a while as we explore the developing astrology this spring as it plays out in the world (and within you), we offer a free one-month trial subscription here.
Note to current subscribers: there’s a chance today’s issue may get caught in your spam folder, so be sure to check there if you don’t see it in your inbox later. We’ll be sending a note to subscribers with a direct link to the issue in case this happens to you.
Your article was very interesting. The present discussion about contraceptives and the payment for them fascinates me. I wonder how the fearless warriors who are making these rules would react if the same logic was applied to Cialis and Viagra. Religions don’t seem to be protesting these drug.
The first principle of liberty is You own your own body. You own your sex. You own your orgasm. You have full responsibility in this self-ownership, and full power of choice and decision making. Anything less is despotism, or slavery, on some continuum. Masturbation is expression of self-ownership, among many other things.
“It would seem that by banning most forms of sex, information about sex, choices about sex and feelings about sex, the goal is to cut people off from their potential, their expression of their natural feelings and from abundance. And why? Gee, it seems there’s a social control program born every minute. Attacking sex, and people’s relationship to their own body, works like a charm in implementing those agendas.”
I am a new subscriber. I am amazed to discover my life’s work discussed on my first time in. I’d say more but it is tomorrow on the east coast. I’ll just hang with you all for while and enjoy it. Oh, Eric, while I haven’t read The Joy of Sex in over 30 years, there’s a new resource I suggest for your women clients: Sheri Winston’s Women’s Anatomy of Arousal: Your Hidden Map to Buried Pleasure. Has tips for guys too.
In response to some hints of misunderstanding here, I just want to make clear that in offering the theory I am, “sexual gratification” is part of the story, though the rest of the story is a conscious path of self-knowledge that is focused on one’s sexuality. It obviously seems incongruous to some that sexuality could be the key component in a spiritual path, or a path of self actualization, but it’s not exactly an original idea.
In fact most people I’ve heard from understand that there is such a thing, and that there is something related called “sexual healing,” though the persistent question is — what’s the way into the hologram? What makes matters slightly more complex is that the way in — whatever it is — is barricaded with clutter deposited from religion over the centuries, and from other related forms of social control.
People who think they have no exposure to / damage from religion got the stuff at nearly full strength because it was disguised in secular form (for example, abstinence indoctrination in public school). It’s not always easy to see these barricades; my core idea in preparing yesterday’s lead article was to make them a little easier to see, and to reveal something of what might be on the other side of them.
The answer is — YOU are.
Very interesting article and blog, as always, thanks PW for insights.
The shadow aspect of this debate intrigues me and in some ways I feel it’s not shadow feminine but shadow aspects of sexuality. I’m not being pedantic here. It’s not about sex, it’s not even about self (as Eric states); but it’s about the quest for healing and wholeness for our selves, humanity, and our planet. And this snapshot in time, that ‘unpleasant psychological material’ around sexuality and sexual issues, serves as an opportunity to drop the illusion of ‘us’ vs. ‘them’ once and for all. It doesn’t serve us. It keeps us divided.
Watch the language: Christians vs. Pagans; Republicans vs. Democrats; Male vs. Female; Pro life vs. Pro Choice etc. I’m not saying close your eyes to the issues. Just go deeper. Be discerning and notice how and when we fall into the illusion of dualism and loose sight of the bigger picture; how we fuel and promote the illusion, often with anger and hate; how we set ourselves up to feel separate, to take sides, to move into a ‘camp’. Use the shadow aspect of sexuality (feminine and masculine shadow) to embrace those uncomfortable emotions with the intention of piercing the veils of illusion. Start by dropping the story line and go within and notice – what does all of this make us feel? Where does the external turmoil exist within our own personal lives?
Shadow is not evil, dark, or undesirable; so often the shadow is given negative connotations. From a shamanic perspective, the shadow is energetically neutral. It’s simply aspects of ourselves we don’t like to admit, that we keep in the dark- literally out of the light. It’s where we are really hard on ourselves, where we judge or try not to admit it exists because it’s hard to face those aspects of our essence. But by turning away from shadow, we don’t fully accept who we really are and dishonor or walk away from our power. Here we are offered examples of the shadow around sexuality as they occur in the larger world (Congress, the Law, the Classroom, the Bedroom, Religion etc).
We can feel that chaos, that hatred, the divisiveness, the futility, as something outside of ourselves. But that’s the illusion! If we turn inward or better still, think of the sexual shadow and what goes on in our environment as a mirror, we can begin to investigate what the outer turmoil tells us about our inner, unacknowledged, turmoil. Maybe even how each of us fuels the internal debate and ask, ‘so am I ready to let that go’? By going inward we disarm or disengage from what sometimes seems too much to handle: it’s why we sometimes feel we can’t make a difference.
And that’s because we have to start within ourselves first- address the shadow, take back our own power, decide if we are ready to heal, to do something about it for ourselves. This way we can disengage from the outer turmoil without ignoring issues and lessons, and investigate what these times are teaching us, because they ARE teaching us. Make it personal and simple as Eric says, but don’t fall into the fallacy of an ‘us’ vs ‘them’ mentality-: start with you, with the intention of what is this teaching me and how can I release what no longer serves me. And then the shift will happen in our society.
It might not be about misogyny or masturbation, or it could be. But if we give ourselves permission to engage with the shadow aspect of sexuality, when we bring it into the light, it is a powerful opportunity for self-healing, what Eric writes ‘feels like concealed truth emerging from latency’. Think of opening the shutters in a closed room and the light filters in and what we thought was big and scary really isn’t. As each of us addresses the both the feminine and masculine aspects of the shadow around sexuality we become whole again. Honoring the shadow becomes personal, responsible; the ultimate healing modality without buying into the dualism and without loosing our individuality. It’s not about focusing on the perils of religion, politics, right? The energy of 2012 is about getting beyond the dogma and structure to find harmony, unity, and peace.
That’s it in a nutshell, Eric.
“Boys of a certain age who do not masturbate regularly have a substantially higher risk of prostate cancer later in life — this has been demonstrated in repeated studies. And religion sends the negative messages every hour of every day.”
RELIGION CAUSES CANCER
The t-shirts, lapel buttons and bumper stickers will be available shortly.
This has been a truly great blog to read and ponder. As always, the diversity of opinions and views have been mind expanding.
I see the two sides of masturbation (loving ones’ self and purely orgasmic/release) in my own experience. I have actually spent most of my adult life without any partner(s), so there are those times when “masturbation is just masturbation,” and I really, really need to simply have that ultimate release from the frustrations and tensions within. I don’t know of a better way to do it than to just “do it” either: that piece of cosmic union can be blinding at times and oh so relaxing.
Other times, it really is an act of love with yourself. Caressing and fondling one’s genitals and body, and then enjoying the act can add so much to changing my view of my “self.” When those occasions happen, my toes will curl and the flash-bang of orgasm is truly something.
But, therein lies a question I have: are the innate biological differences of orgasm between men and women responsible for some of the mental differences? Does the more quickly accomplished male orgasm somehow reinforce the male aggression towards women, towards that control we here so want to overthrow? Are we men jealous of the female orgasm? {Hell yes!}
Ultimately, I have no answers other than those which affect me personally: masturbation as a sexual and loving act has indeed made me a better man, and that recognition goes with me everywhere, every day.
As for the political and sociological side, we’re killing ourselves bit by bit with the fight between the genders over the control of our destinies. We do need to sit back, look at it all logically, and say “This is harmful, this is killing our children!” I do see religion as the primary source of our societal, sexual dysfunction, and by acknowledging that falsehood, that self-imposed dogma, we can look beyond and learn to accept our very human nature.
“Isn’t there a point where the intense focus on sexual fulfilment becomes rather like the ‘new age’ movement of the 1970’s (and yes I have crystals on my desk, and yes I do meditate) – a distraction from revolutionary energies, an easy opt out of having to deal with some difficult social/political problems? One that could take the energy of an entire generation away from the field of political struggle? As the 1960s progressed, with that energy effectively dissipated into the narcissism and self-involvement which has reached epidemic proportions these days, I wonder if it didn’t clear the way for all these well-financed, well-organised neo-conservative right wing jerks to rise to prominence and power. You’re right, we let it all this happen. Were too many of us so busy with personal development/fulfilment and chanting for abundance/new cars that we took our eyes off the ball just when the energy of the times demanded we engage more deeply? As much as I love it, am intrigued by it, am challenged by it, I sometimes get impatient with the masturbation theme on PW. With gratitude for all you do and a monsoon of genuine respect to you all, I just can’t help feeling that it’s a bit narrow.”:
Patti, I could not have written this better myself. That’s exactly how I see it. I look at the writings of Starhawk and see that her view is a bit broader (though missing the sexual element). She wrote of the change from “power over” to “power from within” and the concept of immanence. As Starhawk said (paraphrasing here) until we change the words and thoughts within ourselves and outwardly, we will still be held in the power-over mode and still see the deity as a separate thing not-of-us. Immanence is a deity that is IN us and everything, not separate and in need of veneration. Immanence is a power that resonates in and through all so there’s no hierarchy. She coupled that idea with the second one of using your energy to make changes outwardly (as opposed to just working on yourself; the thing we got too distracted with in the 60’s which effectively scattered our efforts back then).
:::addressing the issues now and not just Patti:::::
I do think we need to make the effort to teach our young people that self pleasure (and pleasure of any kind as long as it isn’t hurting another) is good and healthy. The creed of many Pagan religions is “do what you will but harm none.” I would add “nothing in excess,” “know yourself,” and “love the earth and all living things within” to that.
I know a lot of people need healing but we can get way too distracted by that again. Instead of doing it that way (like last time in the 60’s) perhaps we need to do it from the outside in; help others FIRST, which in turn lifts us all and in turn allows us to go within because there will be space to do so. We need to learn from the mistakes of the last time; we got so self-involved that we lost our way. We need to get so “other” involved that we heal the planet and THEN have the safe place to heal ourselves.
Dear Sir!
A friend recently passed on to me your blog re: women/christianity etc.
I’m a woman, (and not a “christian”).
[i’m sort of__an-atheist-who-prays __ ?]
I wanted to share MY thought with you, briefly.
There is a ‘take back’ movement – and i like it.
regarding “Jesus Christ”.
there are some women who consider him,
a radical feminist rabbi.
His absolute insistence that women, even children can pray got him crucified.
To “pray” to ‘heaven’ one needn’t be part of a “minion of 10 men” ; one need just consider one’s thoughts, (as in, “I am the Word.” ) And we want and need some axioms, – do unto others as you would have others do unto you – is one of those__
etc.
. . .’nuff said. . .
thanks!
sincerely,
g
“An era can be considered over when its basic illusions have been exhausted” — Henry Miller
Some musings:
The clamouring for control over women’s bodies has been going on for such a long time. Not so long ago I read in “Sex At Dawn” (by Christopher Ryan & Cacilda Fetha). It is quite thought provoking. In it they mention an interesting hypothesis: what if the control of sexual desire began with the agricultural age? And the well known story of Adam and Eve was not the expulsion from the “garden” but the entry into it? Note that the villain of the story is, of course, Eve, the “original woman”. Since we have moved away from that history, rooted in agriculture, this “ownership” pact is growing beyond its stretching point. So then, where are we headed?
Why do women have a clitoris? Certainly, for pleasure. Why are women capable of multiple orgasms? Our accepted mythology is that men desire to “polinate as many flowers” as possible. But women are capable of on-going pleasurable sex as a more dynamic potential. So why is this story so accepted as fact?
What does it indicate when so many women have not looked at their own genitalia? Who is in control when fear of an all knowing deity prevents all of us from touching our own bodies? Who wins control of our minds, if we can’t even access our own inner fantasy life?
Maybe we are far more like our primate cousins, the sexually open bonobos and less like the warrior chimps? “Make love, not war”. It is possible that frustrated sexual instinct becomes perverted into depression, frustration and anger. Who doesn’t want to be touched? Fondling the self is a revolution. A small one, perhaps. But each step towards reclaiming power from a ruling class (church, government, parents) is a move towards discovery and freedom.
Without a partner, with a partner, this great glorious “thing” we call sex is readily available any hour of any day. Within our bodies lies the breathtaking knowledge that each of us holds the reins to the same creative force that manifests everything.
Moving away from the topic of masturbation for a moment, the weekly Scorpio horoscope is sensational. It helped me to reign in my self doubts, after an exact situation played out in my life yesterday. I can’t thank you enough – nevermind that it left me speechless.
You are quite something else Eric Francis.
So very grateful for the content. Thank you Eric. Such a work of beauty in its form, nothing missed, nothing neglected. Thank you, Eric. And deep appreciation also to those who played a part in the total presentation.
Bravo, Bravo, Bravo! Thank you for being brave enough to point out the part women play as well. It is all too easy to lay all the blame on men. At the root of my own healing journey (childhood sexual abuse, etc. etc) has been healing the shame and guilt around sex. Spending 5plus years celibate, and learning to pleasure myself has been part of that healing. I always thought I had good orgasms, and yet, NOW, I have found a partner with which I have amazing, “flying through the cosmos on the backs of dragons” orgasms. It is a spiritual experience equivalent to the 10 day retreats I have done, the Ayahuasca ceremonies, and all of the other peak experiences I have been so lucky to experience. Sexual energy IS the energy of creation, it IS the energy of God itself and it is in the capacity of every human being to experience that. No wonder they want to control it. I have met far too many over the years who have never experienced orgasm. My first reaction is to want to help them out. My second is to weep in compassion for them. Wilhelm Reich was definitely on to something. It’s kind of humorous to think that every time I have sex, it’s an act of revolution.
Green Star Gazer, you have gifted me deeply today, making succinct many of my roving ideas.
Thank you.
This article reminded me of a chapter in the manual based on the Tibetan Book of the Dead By Timothy Leary, Ph.D., Ralph Metzner, Ph.D., & Richard Alpert, Ph.D. titled “The Psychedelic Experience”. The authors were engaged in a program of experiments with psychedelics at Harvard University. I copied a chapter here for comment/reflection. It is a little long, but interesting.
“V. Sexual Visions
Sexual visions are extremely frequent during the Third Bardo. You may see or imagine males and females copulating. [According to Jung. (“Psychological Commentary” to The Tibetan Book of the Dead, Evans-Wentz edition, p. xiii), “Freud’s theory is the first attempt made in the West to investigate, as if from below, from the animal sphere of instinct the psychic territory that corresponds in Tantric Lamaism to the Sidpa Bardo.” The vision described here, in which the person sees mother and father in sexual intercourse, corresponds to the “primal scene” in psychoanalysis. At this level, then, we begin to see a remarkable convergence of Eastern and Western psychology. Note also the exact correspondence to the psychoanalytic theory of the Oedipus Complex.] This vision may be internal or it may involve the people around you. You may hallucinate multi-person orgies and experience both desire and shame, attraction and disgust. You may wonder what sexual performance is expected of you and have doubts about your ability to perform at this time.
When these visions occur, remember to withhold yourself from action or attachment. Have faith and float gently with the stream. Trust in the unity of life and in your companions.
If you attempt to enter into your old ego because you are attracted or repulsed, if you try to join or escape from the orgy you are hallucinating, you will re-enter on an animal or neurotic level. If you become conscious of “maleness,” hatred of the father together with jealousy and attraction towards the mother will be experienced; if you become conscious of “femaleness,” hatred of the mother together with attraction and fondness for the father is experienced.
It is perhaps needless to say that this kind of self-centered sexuality has little in common with the sexuality of transpersonal experiences. Physical union can be one expression or manifestation of cosmic union.
Visions of sexual union may sometimes be followed by visions of conception – you may actually visualize the sperm uniting with the ovum – , of intra- uterine life and birth through the womb. Some people claim to have re-lived their own physical birth in psychedelic sessions and occasionally confirming evidence for such claims has been put forward. Whether this is so or not may be left as a question to be decided by empirical evidence. Sometimes the birth visions will be clearly symbolic – e.g., emergence from a cocoon, breaking out of a shell, etc.
Whether the birth vision is constructed from memory or fantasy, the psychedelic voyager should try to recognize the signs indicating the type of personality that is being reborn.”
This issue is really powerful and provocative, thank you for crafting it! It has given me much to ponder and reflect upon. And before I get into my response I’d like to also reply to Patti.t16 and thank her for her posts. I find myself feeling in similar ways sometimes, but in the end, PW is just one lens of many in our collective evolutionary path and while I may not resonate with (or even understand) the over-emphasis on sexuality issues here, I am at the same time grateful that this safe place exists for people to share openly with one another on the topic.
I want to thank you Eric for the link to the amazing piece of writing about the 12th house. This was published before I found PW and I’m so glad to have the link, thank you! It is a profound piece of writing!
Since I have 6 planets (mostly in Scorpio) in the 12th, the intersection of sex, karma, Dharma and the Collective have been continuously fascinating for me. However I don’t see that all the repression around human sexuality as the cause of the “problems” we are all facing in our collective and across our plant now in this crucial time of our evolution….rather I feel that the issues surrounding repressed sexuality are symptoms surrounding the 2 core issues that we are now grappling with which have more to do on the social level with POWER and the use and abuse of it and on the biological level with overcoming and evolving the tyranny of the gene.
While open and free sexuality would indeed be a crowning achievement for any culture it will not happen until we learn to share Power equally and learn to have respect for the different kinds of power and how they are used; personally, socially and politically. We are reaching a tipping point in how far and long the abuse of “Power-over” model has been allowed to continue. Biologically on this planet it is represented by the penetrating, competitive, linear penis of the male gender, be it human or animal. On this planet, for whatever reason, the successful propagation of genes from one generation to the next has been based on competition and aggression. We as humans have come out of this soup and successful copulation/sexuality is how we got here. But we must leave this model behind and mature into a more holistic one if we and this planet are to survive.
I find it fascinating that just as we have reached a point in our evolution where sex can take on a whole new liberating journey (thanks to birth control and a more open society) we are simultaneously facing almost disastrous consequences of the abuse of the “Power-over” paradigm. This is no accident. Sure The Church and all sorts of rigid, Power-over corruptions have held the reins and we are now headed furiously towards some kind of cliff, but we have all NEEDED to collude in this dance because in the end, the GENE has an enormous will to survive, and if survival means submitting to the will of others, that is what it will do….to survive. But we are now at a critical juncture….this pattern of allowing aggression and Power-over to hold sway is now what is threatening that very survival and we are pausing, reflecting and discovering that we will not make it if we continue along this trajectory….though it is the nature of those who hold dearly to the linear, Power-over path to see no other solution except the mistaken belief that more is required. This belief arises out of the meta-program that has been running this planet’s evolutionary curve for a very, very long time. But, it will not by itself succeed unless we value equally other forms and uses of Power. This is the crux of where we stand today, I believe.
The biological female seat of Power is the circle, quite literally… and She-in-us has been under-valued and marginalized down thru the ages. Her Power (and by “Her” I mean the Feminine polarity not just the biological gender) comes from holding the circle together, and CONTAINING the aspect of ourselves that wants to have power-over others. It is the tension between these two Ways of Being that we need to re-balance if we are ever going to survive. In all things, sometimes we need to push forward and sometimes we need to hold all in balance and contain the pushing and sometimes we need to do neither but wait and pause.
This is not just about sex, though it is represented by sex. It goes far deeper. I see it as the ultimate Meta-program that has been allowed to rigidly crystallize on this planet, and our greatest challenge to re-shape. So, while I can agree that if we could get to the place where we could openly be in a circle masturbating together, this could be an incredible affirmation of an evolved human sexual expression, I do not believe that simply getting to this place will be our salvation. We will never be able to get there unless we address the issues that are fermenting below that waterline, namely, what kind of Power-wielding do we value and promote as a species, culture and civilization. As long as we over-value the hierarchical, Power-over others and diminish the Power-with others we will continue to self-destruct.
For anyone interested in a deeper history of masturbation, and how it’s influenced all of sexuality, here is Part 5 of “It’s Not About Sex, It’s About Self.”
In this chapter I use an astrological platform — the 12th house — to explain the topic, and I also take it back to Grub Street London, the capital of sin in Old London.
Note, all the other chapters are linked at the top of the article — there are seven or so, including a fantastic horoscope by Paloma Todd.
You may not say it Eric, but you fly the flag for Betty Dodson who does teach women to masturbate it is therefore easy to associate your general ideas with hers. I do see your point re: throats, cutting and religious indoctrination and will ponder further on the history of individual development. I’m probably going to sign off for the night now guys, as it’s been a long day on the other side of the world. Who knows, maybe I’ll go masturbate in the bath 😉
Catch y’all on the filp side.
I think we hit ‘send’ at the same time Fe. Agree with your comments re: single motherhood and partner fallowness. My life has taken a similar turn and masturbation has been a very important part of reminding myself of my own value, of returning something to myself that the world sometimes seems to conspire to take away.
And when they are little our children are our creative projects. That, I believe, is how it should be. Parenthood, procreation is a creative endeavour, though few enter into it consciously with that knowledge. The problem is that many of us (women) get stuck in that and never come out to explore other facets of our creativity – and we end up hampering their growth and ours. We will have many creative endeavours in our lifetimes, some last a little while, some last a lifetime. Perhaps that is the nub of what I am saying about masturbation when I say it is one thing, not THE thing. The ability to give (time, sexual satisfaction, praise, love, confidence, creativity, kindness) to yourself is for me the more important overarching issue.
Hi Patti,
I am not proposing that we teach people to masturbate. If you think I am, please quote me saying that. Everyone knows how to masturbate, at least in basic ways. Betty, however, has personally taught many thousands of women how to orgasm — you would be AMAZED how many women have never had that experience, or think they are incapable of it.
I am suggesting — my teaching is — that the ideas around masturbation need to be opened up, and that its meaning be appreciated. My whole conversation is in that context. If to you masturbation has no meaning, or limited meaning, then I imagine there would be very little energy behind your statements, and you would just ignore me.
I am not exactly suggesting that masturbation is the solution as much as I am saying that we need to be aware that it’s the throat that is cut first by religious indoctrination. We did not set that agenda; certain sectors of society set the agenda (it happened around 1712; there is a known history). That history of itself demonstrates that a teaching about masturbation — a violently negative one — has indeed changed the world.
I am suggesting that we need to bear witness to the core place it has in the history of individual development. I am suggesting, particularly for those who bear sexual injury, and many people do, on many levels, that it’s the essential point of beginning to any other solution, where direct experience of sex is concerned.
It’s about as narrow a topic as cell biology is to biology.
I am aware that I am speaking to a much wider audience than the people who comment on this blog, than my subscribers and even people who are astrology “fans”. There are many people who will benefit from hearing any positive message about what is honest and natural, but for which been made to pay dearly.
Here is something to consider. Boys of a certain age who do not masturbate regularly have a substantially higher risk of prostate cancer later in life — this has been demonstrated in repeated studies. And religion sends the negative messages every hour of every day. This serves as a metaphor on many other levels of existence, psychic, spiritual, energetic, emotional — whatever you want to call it.
ef
Guys I’m not going to get into an email argument with you, which is why I hesitated to say anything, and often hesitate to say anything that disagrees here. Am I supposed to just say “oh wow amazing” all the time? Mercury retro forgive me, but isn’t that just another form of wanking? I think I expressed my point of view as clearly as I could, Eric, given that I was coming from a more intuitive space. I don’t think masturbation is going to save the world. I think openness about sexuality is very important, I believe we are long overdue for a review traditional relationship structures. This is exploration I am actively engaged in in my own life. But your experience as a sex educator aside, I don’t think that simply teaching people to masturbate is going to get the job done of restructuring our economy, ending wanton destruction of the environment and God willing finding some honest people to lead us. And while it can be a revelation when you first begin to take ‘loving yourself’ seriously, I’m not entirely sure it will lead to gender equality. A corollary would be that becoming a mother completely changes your worldview. It’s a maturing experience that alerts you big time to the fact that the universe does not revolve around you, your needs, your desires, your thoughts, your feelings, your schedule, and that sensitivity to others is a skill worth developing – but I’d be strung up by every ‘feminist’ from here to Timbuktu if I said all women should be mothers to help end selfishness and make the world a better place. To me masturbation is one way in, not THE way in. What is interesting is that you want me to tell you what more you should do. That’s very blokey if you don’t mind me saying so!! I don’t want you to go anywhere or to write anything that doesn’t reflect who you are and what you are interested in. That’s why I come here after all, for your energy and your point of view – which sometimes I agree with and sometimes I don’t. And for the way your mind makes connections – though I don’t always agree with every one, and sometimes I hold two seemingly contradictory positions until I can feel a resolution. I’m not hankering for you to ‘fix’ or change anything at PW. I am just expressing an opinion that is different from yours (to restate, masturbation is an important issue, but I don’t think it is the single most important issue and I’d like to see actual evidence rather than speculation that it changes the world on a macro scale). I wasn’t attacking, just questioning – and I don’t feel compelled to have all the answers before I put a question out there for discussion. Isn’t this forum, like masturbation, supposed to be about exploration?
I have two major planets — Jupiter and Uranus at just about the same degree in Cancer in my 5th house of sex and procreation. I haven’t had a steady relationship for over eight years, and even before that, another spell of no relationship of roughly 16 years.
It has taken me that long — over 20 years, to discover that my co-dependence on another was hampering my own creativity, and that my creativity was being subsumed by the sexual expectations I put on my partner and myself in order to stay in a relationship. It put me off of partner sex altogether — even while in a long-term relationship, I would masturbate in bed while my partner was sleeping, trying to reclaim the self that was slowly fading away.
It was revealed to me not too long ago that my creativity was intricately tied into my sexuality. That my “children” were my creative projects, and that I needed and still need to explore that to be self-sufficient, without a “deficit mind” of being a single woman without a partner.
In fact, during these periods of partner fallowness, I felt a deep distrust of any of my attractions to potential suitors. I think it was me inside, wanting to stay a little longer in the wilderness, learning how to enjoy myself and feel the contours of my whole being — physical, emotional and intellectual — without the moorings of a relationship. My boat needed to travel far away from the familiar which was family and culture.
This is where masturbation became an intergral part of my evolving wholeness. It is a great gift to pleasure myself, and to continue to feel pleasure into my 40s, 50s and soon to be 60s and 70s — and while doing so, growing as an artist and a person who loves.
The pleasure felt from self-pleasuring is like a new skin forming over me, protecting and enhancing my ME-ness. There is plenty there.
Yes, beautifully expressed, Amanda.
i think it’s fair to say “sometimes masturbation is just masturbation.” but what seems to take it into another category, and give it power, is one’s awareness around it. if you’re still under the thumb of guilt that it’s “wrong,” but sometimes you give in and get yourself off anyway, but then beat yourself up about it, that’s one critter. if you get yourself off without a second thought about it, that may be another critter — ‘it’s just what everyone does, no big deal’.
then if you notice where your mind goes, how you feel emotionally, recognize the power over your own satisfaction/fulfillment and the independence it gives you in sexual relationships, that seems like a third critter — and the one that starts to feel “dangerous” to the powers that be.
and then if you take that awareness even deeper… well, that seems like another thing altogether…
Patti,
I find your comment perplexing — especially the bit about the masturbation discussion being narrow. What I have found in many years’ experience as a sex educator is that if you get an honest discussion of masturbation going, that opens the way for every other discussion.
I am specifically taking a wide view of masturbation, in holistic context. In today’s edition, I’ve connected it to the history of feminism, to the history of fascism in Europe, to psychological and spiritual independence and to sex education. I’ve explained where it fits into our relationships in that it cultivates a sense of self that helps us prepare to relate to others. I’ve described the inner experience of fantasy and emotion, and the idea that sexuality is multidimensional and flexible.
In this same article I’ve linked to many erotic resources that, themselves, take a wide view of sexuality.
I mean, the only thing I have not written about is old-fashioned wanking.
So where would you like to see the discussion go? Just about everyone else writing about sexuality is putting it into the context of relationships, romance, marriage, couples, partnering and pairing. Most of them specifically omit any discussion of masturbation. Isn’t that a little weird?
In centaur style, I am taking leadership on the most unpopular issue to discuss. And a lot of other stuff. On today’s blog (comments below) you can read some viewpoints on heterosexual views of homosexuality.
Where else would you like me to go, and what do you have to add, of your own viewpoint?
ef
Dear Patti,
I don’t think that masturbation is just masturbation – nothing related to sex and sexuality is just about sex – even though it might seem like that at times. In my own personal experience, which I’ve already written about here – I discovered masturbation at the grand old age of 43 and it was an incredibly empowering experience. Now seven years on, it does feel like ‘just masturbation’ – but when I discovered it, it set off a process of healing and self-discovery, and I never looked back. And I don’t think it’s too be confused with narcissism – I think it’s about the importance of opening up and becoming more and more aware in every part of our lives – including the way relate to our bodies and our sexuality.
Reply from Wesley:
i absolutely agree that there is and has long been more anxiety about male homosexuality than female homosexuality in contemporary American culture.
i think this is 100% right on: “I attribute this to an eruption of female shadow material in men: the fear of submission, the fear of being penetrated, anxiety around the loss of control, and the related emotions that might come up.” Yes – I think so much of the male fear of male homosexuality is the fear of taking on qualities traditionally seen as “feminine”: receptivity, vulnerability. There seems to be an underlying fear that if there are 2 men engaged in a mutual sexual act, one of them must take on the “female” role, which is often conflated with these qualities. So many men (consciously or not) see that role as inferior and are not only terrified of taking it on themselves but also freaked out by the idea of being in proximity to any man who allows himself to be in that (no pun intended) position. It threatens the whole internal power structure they’ve set up around gender and masculinity and they just can’t risk that, no matter how strong their actual interest in, and attraction to, male-on-male sex might be.
in contrast, girl-on-girl sex has long been a favorite of the straight porn world – sometimes i liken it to whites’ ability to accept black culture when it’s packaged as entertainment for their pleasure. it’s a watered down/trussed-up version of “female homosexuality” that often bears so little resemblance to what 2 down and dirty conscious smart independent women who are actually hot for each other might do. and usually totally devoid of the taint of what might be perceived as “female masculinity” (that pesky quality that often overlaps with the expectation of equal treatment) or queer self-identification or feminist orientation (hence the old saying, 2 lesbians, every man’s fantasy; 2,000 lesbians, every man’s nightmare…)
And yes. Every guy who proposes a threesome to me always wants it to be with another girl. And most of them won’t even go there with another guy…and these are relatively cool/open-minded dudes who say they’re just “not into it,” not attracted to men – but I think it often goes deeper than that. The girl-girl-guy threesome has become almost a staple of mainstream American sexual culture at this point. And I think there are lots of women out there who aren’t that into women but are open enough to it that they’ll do it as something to enjoy with their man – or on the more negative side – they’ll do it because their man expects it of them, as a way to keep things “spicy,” show how open they are, give their man the variety he wants – even as a kind of insurance against cheating so he won’t “need” to go anywhere else. But for women to expect or even openly desire their men to be open to guy-guy-girl threesomes? Forget it. And I think that has much more to do with the fears and anxieties you describe than with simple lack of male-male attraction among straight men.
So here’s something that really interested me in your post that you didn’t really end up addressing: “I have a log to add to the fire — male homophobia, and a phobia of male homosexuality projected onto men by women.” I agree that women project a phobia of male homosexuality onto men and that it’s wrapped up in our culture’s VERY limited definition of “masculinity” and gender roles in general.
Last night, working on the children’s play I’m writing, which is about gender roles (and, as it turns out, the end of the world), I kept flashing back on the brutal video of the teenage girls who attacked the transgender woman in the women’s bathroom of a McDonald’s last fall and then dragged her out into the restaurant where they proceeded to kick and beat her until she had a seizure. It felt to me that their violence was fueled by some kind of deep-seated fury that a person born as a “biological man” was daring to compete with them on their own turf – maybe because they deep down they resented what they themselves had to do to fit into the box of femaleness and femininity. But there also seemed like they had a violent desire to extinguish the existence of any male person that didn’t prop up their internalized notions of masculinity. I think a lot of women may play this out in a much milder form in terms of how they see men and what they expect them to be, especially sexually.
But I’d love to hear more about how you see women’s phobia of male homosexuality manifest, and what you think it stems from…
If you’d like me to post any of the above commentary on your blog as further fuel for the fire, happy to do so, just let me know. Just wanted to write to you about it first since you sent it to me directly.
And now you see why it took me this long to respond – I just couldn’t write a short response about such things! 🙂 I’d love to say more and go even deeper but I must return to my regularly scheduled tasks. Anyway, hope it was worth the wait.
One thought I’ve been toying around with re. gender & astrology is that sometimes it feels like every sign is a gender unto itself…every sign is a blend of masculine and feminine qualities, with some more dominant than others. I wonder sometimes if our individual gender orientations are more determined by our astrology than our biology and even our cultural influences…
Hope you’re enjoying this spring day – it is absolutely gorgeous here.
This is a blog comment (by me) from last week — I will post a reply in a moment.
I thought this was a really interesting edition. Really clear and passionate. Indeed all the commentary this week has been amazing. But at the risk of being accused of being a tight-ass (I’m not) or afraid of my own body (I’m not) or frigid (definitely not), can I just say that I agree sometimes masturbation is just masturbation. I guess it depends on how sexually free one feels as to whether masturbation is the ultimate revelation/revolution. I agree totally about the current climate of sexual repression, about the weird renaissance of misogynistic culture, and about how damaging and dangerous it all is. But is masturbation alone or in groups really the ultimate solution? Here’s an alternative thought. I’m not wedded to it, it was just there, floating in my head as I read through this afternoon. Isn’t there a point where the intense focus on sexual fulfilment becomes rather like the ‘new age’ movement of the 1970’s (and yes I have crystals on my desk, and yes I do meditate) – a distraction from revolutionary energies, an easy opt out of having to deal with some difficult social/political problems? One that could take the energy of an entire generation away from the field of political struggle? As the 1960s progressed, with that energy effectively dissipated into the narcissism and self-involvement which has reached epidemic proportions these days, I wonder if it didn’t clear the way for all these well-financed, well-organised neo-conservative right wing jerks to rise to prominence and power. You’re right, we let it all this happen. Were too many of us so busy with personal development/fulfilment and chanting for abundance/new cars that we took our eyes off the ball just when the energy of the times demanded we engage more deeply? As much as I love it, am intrigued by it, am challenged by it, I sometimes get impatient with the masturbation theme on PW. With gratitude for all you do and a monsoon of genuine respect to you all, I just can’t help feeling that it’s a bit narrow.
Yes, thank you for this stunning PW edition dear Eric. And my (Cancer) horoscope was so spot on, so inspiring – that I’m going to hang it on my bedroom wall, to remind me how to proceed in the coming weeks. xxx
Eric:
Fearless writing. I am always inspired to take the discussion deeper while waging my own quest with words for the stage and page. Love how for me these days everything is coalescing. Thanks PW for being in existence at this critical time in history.