Satan Writes to Pat Robertson

Dear Pat Robertson:

I know that you know that all press is good press, so I appreciate the shout-out. And you make God look like a big mean bully who kicks people when they are down, so I’m all over that action.

But when you say that Haiti has made a pact with me, it is totally humiliating. I may be evil incarnate, but I’m no welcher. The way you put it, making a deal with me leaves folks desperate and impoverished.

Sure, in the afterlife, but when I strike bargains with people, they first get something here on Earth — glamour, beauty, talent, wealth, fame, glory, a golden fiddle. Those Haitians have nothing, and I mean nothing. And that was before the earthquake. Haven’t you seen “Crossroads”? Or “Damn Yankees”? If I had a thing going with Haiti, there’d be lots of banks, skyscrapers, SUVs, exclusive night clubs, Botox — that kind of thing.

An 80 percent poverty rate is so not my style. Nothing against it — I’m just saying: Not how I roll. You’re doing great work, Pat, and I don’t want to clip your wings — just, come on, you’re making me look bad. And not the good kind of bad. Keep blaming God. That’s working. But leave me out of it, please. Or we may need to renegotiate your own contract.

Best,
Satan

The text above is Lily Coyle’s letter published as letter of the day by the Minneapolis Star Tribune. The original comments by the ‘Rev.’ Pat Robertson can be seen here. The letter was forwarded to me by Carol Hanisch, the member of the Redstocking radical feminist collective who in 1969 came up with the phrase, “The Personal is Political” (of which this grotesque meddling by Robertson is a prime example). (Yes, I figured out who came up with that gem, and sent her a note to say hello.)

8 thoughts on “Satan Writes to Pat Robertson”

  2. This:

    “If I had a thing going with Haiti, there’d be lots of banks, skyscrapers, SUVs, exclusive night clubs, Botox — that kind of thing.”

    *snork*

    Mr Scratch probably could care less how his appearance may appear, would be my guess…..

    loved this letter. The cool thing about Robertson’s and also Limbaugh’s –what the heck, I will call it slime jobs — on the subject of Haiti, is that they have provoked some wonderful responses. Check out Roger Ebert’s blog, where he responds beautifully to Rush. (Sorry, no link right to hand)

  5. With Haiti on our minds I’d like to offer a song and video (there are two versions because I could not make up my mind as to which one to choose!)
    Tracy Chapman and her song “Start All Over”

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dfIRqqChS1k

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7fNYEQYNjtg
    (the last scene in this one is lovely!)

    I’d also like to pass on this recommendation of a book on Haiti:
    The Black Jacobins: Toussaint L’Ouverture and the San Domingo Revolution (Penguin History) by C L R James and James Walvin (Paperback – 31 May 2001)
    (highly recommended by DD Guttenplan from The Guardian newspaper.)

    Ursula

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