Here is a fast update on the astrology. The Moon is in Aries right now, and enters Taurus at 10:33 pm Eastern Time. I just checked Tracy’s list of daily aspects that I use to write this feature (a little late) and noticed that overnight, the Moon occulted Venus. This is a kind of an eclipse, only the Sun is not involved; a planet is. The Moon and Venus are conjunct, but instead of the Moon passing a little above or below Venus, the conjunction is precise and Venus disappears.
Whatever this ‘means’, the result was an is emphasis. As I mentioned, Venus is slow and powerful in Aries right now, about to station retrograde next week. An occultation by the Moon points to this station; they are rare enough to have happen. While I’m describing Aries activity that just went by, the Moon also made a conjunction to Eris today.
Mercury is on the way to being conjunct Mars in Aquarius. Mercury conjunct Mars (in any signs) means fast thinking. In Aquarius, it means very, very fast thinking — some would say too fast. The remedy is not necessarily to slow down but to rethink. Think through things requiring your mental and intellectual attention several times. If you come up with the same steps and the same conclusions each time, that is not rethinking; it’s being in a mental rut.
The Sun is square a centaur called Hylonome. Centaurs are planets of the approximate nature of Chiron. Intensity is one characteristic, and concentrated growth. Hylonome has the keywords self-inflicted. I can give you an example of how this works. One of the young women I photograph, earlier in her life, had a habit of cutting herself; this is simply known as cutting. I had her birth data and I asked minor planet specialist Phil Sedgwick what he thought. He said: check Hylonome. And as it turned out she has Hylonome square the Sun. I could then factor Hylonome into what I new about her life story and the loss of an important male father figure to suicide when she was younger.
We take a lot of aggression out on ourselves, which often turns to resentment. We take out a lot of resentment on ourselves, which turns up as guilt. Sun square Hylonome suggests that today is a good day to notice how we do this, and make some decisions about whether we want to.
Victoria, you mention the pain of the persecutors: I spent so much of my youth trying to help eleviate that pain…took me far too long to figure out that it wan’t my job to do so! I guess I thought I was some sort of “Sh-esus” or something. I’m so sensitive to others’ energy. I have to be extra careful with myself when I go home for visits. My mother continues to grow older, but hasn’t grown much at all this whole time. (Perhaps that’s unfair to say?)
kristenb, being the family whippin boy, when I went to school I was okay. When I performed, people clapped, I was okay. The sibs hated me for it. Family holidays were a nightmare, but when I sat down with other’s families I was treated like a human being. And if I noticed the whippin boy in their family, that person was a comrade, they survived too. The real treat was relocating to a place where a whole bunch of us likes lived. The only snags came in the intimate relationships where I backed down again, and allowed myself to be walked on and swallowed up again. I guess it was familiar. Sometimes ya just need to get out. Take your $100 and your duffle bag and hop a train or get on a bus and go. Ya made it through the family, ya sure can make it on the road.
The only sad thing is when I come out on the other side, the pain of the persecutors is still there. I am not comfortable with their pain when I see them run the same patterns. I know I am looking at a bag of karmals now. I really don’t want to believe in karma, I want to stand where I am now. There is so much fun to be had, so much to find, so much to share.
I like security and warmth as much as the next person, so I have my home and my fire. But moving forwared, there will be a backpack by the door with a sleeping bag, a tent, and a few tools. Any input on tools, bags, or tents?
Vic: Yep.
Think of it this way: If all your self worth is wrapped up in your family (as a kid), and they simultaneously hurt you (sexual and physical abuse), ignore you, and demand you meet certain societal standards (theirs), all the while telling you they LOVE you, then one is going to want out – suicide, cutting, etc. It’s warped. And, the sense of LOVE is so warped there is no trust except a feeling of oneself which is numb, so they are generally trying to become un-numb by cutting – my understanding of it all. We have a less extreme version in society – pinch me, is this really happening?! [re: falling in love, winning the lottery, getting a book published, etc]
kristenb, are you saying she was trying to cut her way out of her family unit? What you say is fascinating to me.
Today, I had to do an edit on my life story rewrite, my family, etc has pushed me to my path. But there was the stuck part and I have been working my fucking process. Now, I laugh at the terrorist attempts as I watch the maneuvering and listen to the threats. Nothin like stayin true to purpose. They got nothin on me. There are two other siblings to laugh with. Well, one is really still shakin her head in disbelief at the dynamics. I suffered the torture for 16 years, not understanding this, but now am feeling like I can reap the rewards of some very gruelling work.
Of course, I had mom to be concerned about. I bought her a tiarra at a toy store. She loves it. She is the queen. And she wears that tiarra proud. She has indeed earned it.
I held down a cutter all night once; literally had to lay on top of her. While I agree with you Christine about resentment, the thing about cutters is that the people they need acceptance from are those that will never give it to them, so it’s a box for them, and they try to box cut out, as if they are the box, instead of the “family” around them. To end such incidence society as a whole must shift further towards acceptance, openness so that folks do not end up feeling so judged, so isolated, so that they can find and receive the support they need to be able to access their inner power to do just the sorts of things folks like you or I can do for ourselves, choosing freedom and love paths, even with pain inherent along those ways. The thing is, some folks have never ever ever felt a moment of true, pure love. And, guilt slapping is so rampant, even my stupid landlord I am leaving tomorrow laid a guilt trip on me for moving!!! I laugh in her face, sort of, rather just shake my head wishing she could hear herself – and the kicker? She’s a f-ing therapist. Greed is rampant, not just financial expressions of it.
I think of resentment as marked by a heavy, deep “stuckness” and sense of constraint that is felt at the very core of one’s body. A constraint born of choices we make that keep us from meeting those very needs that we deem most important. Guilt feels like the chains put in place for the sole purpose of keeping one “in.” Cutting, and various forms of aggression toward self or other, can temporarily relieve the profound tension that calls for release—a tension between the desire to be free/ to love freely and the guilt that keeps us from doing so.
A more effective form of release, I think, is to break out of the guilt altogether and step into the choices one is making—owning and acknowledging such choices. Only from this place can we make different ones; that is, only from a place of honesty and awareness can we decide our lives for ourselves. Resentment can be a very persuasive copout: Acted out as a pointing-the-finger toward others or toward circumstances so as to cover-over the choices we have made to land us in the now we’re in. The gift inherent in resentment is the reminder that we can make different choices. I love that this issue is floating throughout the atmosphere today as PW is reporting on the Loving More conference—the Spirit of which is a quintessential example of consciously choosing love and freedom; acknowledging one’s needs; and taking responsibility for meeting those needs. And I love that PW exists as a community of individuals who are on a path of doing the same.