Editor’s Note: The following article is from Steroid Weekly, a newsletter dedicated to the interesting effects and evolution of legal steroid usage in the Enhanced Leagues. Steroid Weekly interviews Rex “The Pusher” Fallon, president of the Player Enhanced Sports Union.

S.W. : Mr. Fallon, why do they call you “the Pusher” and how did you become president of PESU?

R.F.: I’m tha’ pusha’ ‘cuz I can push a lotta weight, wanna see?

S.W. : Er, no. I am aware of your strength.

R.F.: I got to runnin’ things when we had a tournament of fightin’ to see who could wup who. I’m too big to be hurt so it wasn’t hard to crush my opprah – uh – opponents.

S.W. : Yes, the incident was widely publicized. Didn’t the man die from his injuries?

R.F. : Yeah. But see he should’a just gave me the job. He knew the – uh – he took the risk.

S.W. : So you must have some good qualifications to have been given the job of president. What were they?

R.F. : ‘Cuz I’m bigger than everybody else and I wanted it more.

S.W.: That’s it?

R.F. : Yep.

S.W.: Okay. Well! We have certainly seen some extraordinary feats in this new sports league. Particularly baseball. The home run champ this year hit 107 home runs – the record so far in the league. Do you think this record will be broken?

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FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

CONTACT PERSON:
Dee Dee Ann Barstow
Long Life Pharmaceuticals

The Social Satisfaction Chip (SSC) has finally been approved as an option for public use. Developed originally to conform the mentally ill into socially functional entities, the SSC has now been approved by the Food & Drug Administration for use in maintenance and repair of families and love lives.

For decades, the SSC was shrouded in controversy and conspiracy theories, although claims of alien abduction were not regarded with much credibility. Some victims claimed a chip had been implanted in them in an attempt to brainwash or control their minds. Government denials merely intensified the widespread belief in such a conspiracy, although the government has seemed as surprised as anyone else by increased UFO sightings.

The most controversial use of an implanted behavior modification chip, however, was its well-publicized use in control of unrehabilitatable criminal offenders. A major objection to the Criminal Rehabilitation Chip (CRC) was that individuals programmed to avoid violence and to obey all laws were thus rendered ineligible for military or mercenary service as well as politics, thus severely limiting career options. The chip developed for this use was undetectable without a special scanning device, to prevent unauthorized removal, and courts were liberal in allowing implantation without the knowledge or consent of the patient.

Unfortunately, the skyrocketing sales of three wildly popular electronic toys imported from China and Uraguay – the best-selling Vampire Finder and companion Zombie Detector, and at least one programmable Christmas tree topper – turned out to be due, in part, to their electromagnetic frequencies, which permanently de-activated the Criminal Rehabilitation Chips when used within twenty feet of the implanted person. The number of habitual criminals released with such implants and subsequently deprogrammed will never be known.

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