By Maria Padhila
What is wrong with these sentences?
“Take responsibility for your own boundaries. You must be able to say NO. Be sober enough to be in control or make plans with a friend to have a ‘designated driver’. How you feel is not magically telegraphed to others. YOU are in charge of your boundaries.”
To a lot of people, this sounds like good advice. I get an email every couple of weeks from a paranoid mom who sends along Snopes-fodder about not going to certain neighborhoods, parking under a light, learning the places to hit a rapist so you can do the most harm. She thinks she’s saying something caring. She thinks she’s imparting valuable information.
Oh, we all know about good intentions. Each one makes a lovely paving stone, to throw at the village slut perhaps.
There will be plenty of you who will say that there’s nothing wrong with those sentences on top. That people should take responsibility for themselves. That you just need to show a little common sense. There are so many people that fully agree with what’s above that a comment calling out these statements as victim blaming got hundreds of replies within an hour.
I’m going to try to explain why laying things out the way the above reads is nonsense. Here’s the basics: I could be working with a lifetime of sobriety, wearing a hoopskirt and nun’s habit, holding a sign and a megaphone telegraphing my boundaries, be the roller derby champion of the hemisphere, surrounded by a ninja guard, and strolling on the White House lawn, and I might still get raped if some sociopathic motherfucker wants to do it badly enough. And it would be the rapist’s fault.
And a Zac Efron lookalike could guzzle five shots, strip down, and splay himself up against the DJ booth at Miami’s White Party week with a Post-it note on his forehead reading, “Take me” and he might not get sexually assaulted.
Personal responsibility is a fantastic quality in a person. I wish we all were highly skilled in practicing it. I try to be better at it all the time. But even the person taking the most exemplary personal responsibility can still get sexually assaulted.
Because getting sexually assaulted doesn’t have anything to do with a person’s responsibility for themselves, or for their friend, or anyone else. The only reason a person gets sexually assaulted is because there’s a sociopathic motherfucker who wants badly enough to sexually assault them.
We just have to grow up and make that hard black line: Sexual assault is the fault of the rapist, always, and nothing else has anything to do with it.
Until we draw that line, I’m going to have to listen to people excuse rapists with a bunch of lame-ass “well, after all…” and “yes, but was she really…?” A statement like those above seems to make otherwise compassionate, progressive people start talking like right-wing nuts busting on kids getting free school lunches.
“They made unhealthy choices,” “these people just never learn,” “there just isn’t any common sense there,” “well, what did you expect with that kind of person,” and “these people just need to grow up and take responsibility!” And just as with food stamps users, there really is someone else to blame — someone’s taking that money, someone doesn’t care enough to change things, someone feels like it’s OK to let someone else go hungry because it’s not their problem and they want more. Someone, in short, is a sociopathic motherfucker.
“But I can’t be responsible for everyone in the world!” No, no, you can’t. But is it too much to ask that you take responsibility for not being a sociopathic motherfucker? Or not giving them a pass?
Now that you’re not listening to me anymore because you’ve decided I’m in denial that anyone should “take responsibility for themselves” ever, I’ll give the backstory. The statements at the top of this piece appeared in the guidelines for a regional Burning Man event, and they ignited a firestorm. The really sad part to me is that there are so many men who I know at this event who have done incredible work in advancing the concept and the reality of full, enthusiastic consent and clear communication of boundaries and desires. Here are a few of these stories, to get the taste of the rest out of your mouth.
Over the years I’ve seen men, straight and gay, take the lead in this area, and it makes me feel fantastic! They want a better environment for themselves and the people they care about. Hell, they want better sex — sex with enthusiastic consent is better sex. There’s a group that does workshops and education at Burning Man events called the Bureau of Erotic Discourse (BED, for short), and I’ve loved participating in workshops where you practice saying “yes” and “no.” I’ve even played the coercive woman who tries to manipulate and guilt and bully a man into sex, just to show that yes, it does happen, and to give men a chance to practice holding their boundaries.
In another case, I was the inadvertent inspiration for a great conceptual art project after I got into a flame war with a guy on the Burner boards. He was complaining that women go on the boards looking to buy tickets to events and rides to events, and promote themselves as being “hotties” or “pretty” in order to improve their chances to get a ticket, but then have the nerve not to put out when he gives them a ride.
I mean, some people present themselves as being good conversationalists or good drivers, so if you want to present yourself as decorative to try to improve your chances, what’s the problem? But that doesn’t mean you’re obliged to have sex with anyone. It just means you need to look hot — that’s all you promised. But he persisted: Why do they call themselves hotties if they don’t expect to have sex with me?
In impatience, I finally posted: “I could call myself Princess Hottie McBoneslave Slut Machine, and NO would still mean no.”
So a photographer and all around great guy printed out a bunch of name tags reading things like “HELLO my name is SLUT MACHINE (and yes means yes and no means no).” That’s how you make the art!
Last year, another fantastic (and um, hot) guy was one of the main sources of momentum toward adding “Consent” as the 11th Burning Man principle — right up there with radical self-reliance. (If you’re not familiar with those wacky Burning Man ten commandments, which are endlessly debated and derided and declaimed, check here.) It got a lot of traction at lots of events, and the concept of full, happy, enthusiastic consent was introduced to a lot of people who hadn’t thought or talked about it much or at all.
So anyone out there thinking all straight men are the enemy, you couldn’t be more wrong. Most of them want good times, good lives and good sex. Very few of them are sociopathic motherfuckers. The bad part is, it only takes a few.
The people at these workshops and in these activities for the most part aren’t sociopathic motherfuckers. They’re ordinary folks trying to muddle through having relationships. And many of them know they can’t “protect” themselves against sociopathic motherfuckers. So why are they involved in these? If there’s nothing to be done about rapists, and rapists aren’t listening, why do this education?
Well, one great side effect is that it makes for better communication around sex, and that’s a benefit for everyone who likes sex. It’s a public service that deserves a MacArthur grant.
But another benefit of work and art like this is to change the culture so that in the courts, in the classrooms, in the workplaces, there’s never that open space that allows victim blaming. Then we can concentrate on dealing with the sociopathic motherfuckers instead of wasting our time blaming victims. Go ahead and think someone is a jerk, irresponsible, annoying, dangerous, tastelessly dressed. But nobody is asking to be raped.
The first regional burn of my season is just a week away, but in seeing all the talk about this issue, I got inspired. Last night, while making dinner for my daughter, I grabbed my phone and texted Chris: “Can you build me a giant exclamation point?” He immediately texted back: “Jah!”
So we’re going to make a big exclamation point, and have people write on it all the ways they say “yes,” and what they like to say “yes” to. Enthusiastic yes! That’s what I’m talking about.
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By the way here is a song Chelsea point out to me that advocates having sex after getting so drunk you won’t remember what happened — Timber by the rapper Pitbull.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hHUbLv4ThOo&feature=kp
It’s going down, I’m yelling timber
You better move, you better dance
Let’s make a night you won’t remember
I’ll be the one you won’t forget
Wooooah (timber), wooooah (timber), wooooah (it’s going down)
Wooooah (timber), wooooah (timber), wooooah (it’s going down)
[Pitbull]
The bigger they are, the harder they fall
These big-iddy boys are dig-gidy dogs
I have ’em like Miley Cyrus, clothes off
Twerking in their bras and thongs, timber
Face down, booty up, timber
That’s the way we like to–what?–timber
I’m slicker than an oil spill
She say she won’t, but I bet she will, timber
Swing your partner round and round
End of the night, it’s going down
One more shot, another round
End of the night, it’s going down
Swing your partner round and round
End of the night, it’s going down
One more shot, another round
End of the night, it’s going down
[Ke$ha]
It’s going down, I’m yelling timber
You better move, you better dance
Let’s make a night you won’t remember
I’ll be the one you won’t forget
It’s going down (it’s going down), I’m yelling timber
You better move (you better move), you better dance (you better dance)
Let’s make a night you won’t remember
I’ll be the one you won’t forget (you won’t forget)
Wooooah (timber), wooooah (timber), wooooah (it’s going down)
Wooooah (timber), wooooah (timber), wooooah (it’s going down)
[Pitbull]
Look up in the sky, it’s a bird, it’s a plane
Nah, it’s just me, ain’t a damn thing changed
Live in hotels, swing on planes
Blessed to say, money ain’t a thing
Club jumping like LeBron now, Volí
Order me another round, homie
We about to clown. Why? ‘Cause it’s about to go down
Swing your partner round and round
End of the night, it’s going down
One more shot, another round
End of the night, it’s going down
Swing your partner round and round
End of the night, it’s going down
One more shot, another round
End of the night, it’s going down
[Ke$ha]
It’s going down, I’m yelling timber
You better move, you better dance
Let’s make a night you won’t remember
I’ll be the one you won’t forget
It’s going down (it’s going down), I’m yelling timber
You better move, you better dance (you better dance)
Let’s make a night (let’s make a night) you won’t remember
I’ll be the one (I’ll be the one) you won’t forget (you won’t forget)
I feel that it’s my responsibility to take care of the other guy — to take responsibility for assessing whether a potential partner’s yes is really a yes, and to bring my own pregnancy prevention to the table. Given the prevailing ignorance around STIs, I feel that it’s my responsibility to provide the “informed” part of the “informed discussion” when information is lacking.
I feel it’s my responsibility to offer and propose sex but never to persuade. I feel it’s my responsibility to make sure this happens for BOTH partners in a clear state of mind. It is my responsibility to assess the ethical position of my potential partner and whether that is right for me, i.e., she says yes but she’s married and is fine with that but is plans to lie to her husband. I must assess whether that is the right thing to do.
When we say “rape” and “sexual assault” we are talking about the accusation of felonies or serious misdemeanors, and that calls for clarity on the part of all people involved. There are standards for proof and for evidence, and in order to obtain a conviction, certain legal and evidentiary steps must be taken. When someone says they were raped, they invoke the legal rights of the alleged perpetrator, including the principle of innocent until proven guilty. This is one reason why the discussion on the legal level is so futile.
I think that we need to weed out the two discussions — one of rape/sexual assault, and the other of consent issues in apparently consensual or gray area situations. After reading the statutes and a discussion with my county prosecutor, according to law in New York State, rape occurs when sex happens 1. in the presence of a clear no, AND/OR 2. when there is physical resistance, or OR AND/3. or to someone who is unconscious or coming in and out of consciousness.
In other words, for something to be sexual assault or rape from a legal point of view there MUST be: a clear no, physical resistance or a victim who is is unconscious or in and out of consciousness (that falls under the inability to give consent).
The victim being drunk or drugged does not count as automatic rape in New York State unless the perpetrator provided the drugs or alcohol against the knowledge or consent of the victim. Then there was not consent given.
Assuming everyone is of legal age and not a ward of the state, just about everything else is the territory of implied consent or negotiated consent. Because there is a problem with yes and no in our society, indeed an almost total lack of clear yes and no, and a problem with the only consent in much sex being implied consent, and another issue — some aggression being welcome and normal part of sex for SOME people — we have a very wide gray area that must be sorted out.
This is not going to happen by repeating “no means no” or saying that rape is always the fault of the rapist.
Those are bottom lines that are always there, but most of what we are talking about does not occur on the level of the bottom line. It occurs in a misty astral world of non-negotiation, impaired thinking, extreme repression that many people can only overcome by having four to six drinks, and indeed a culture that intentionally blurs the line between sex and rape.
Those are all serious problems that we need to address by bringing people who might not read these comments into the discussion.
There may well be people who look for reasons or excuses to blame the female for assault. That, somehow if one isn’t careful about where one is and who one is with, or who might be around, that the rape is her fault. I am not one of those people.
But I do think that being cautious about where one walks, particularly at night when alone, for instance, is an effort to not put oneself in a potentially dangerous situation.
There are environs and situations that make it easier for an assaulter to prey on a woman. But if a woman finds herself in that place, that situation, the assault is never her fault, as indeed, it can happen in daylight, in what is presumed to be perfectly safe environs. But it still isn’t likely to happen while strolling on the White House lawn, in daylight surrounded by people, perhaps at night, alone. It is far more likely to happen safe from any good people’s intervention.
It seems, however, that we can limit the opportunity for someone to assault us, and is something we should be doing. NOT that doing otherwise is *asking for it*, but, we can make better choices and hopefully avoid putting ourselves in a situation, where we could potentially be victimized. It is a matter of self preservation, and ultimately, self-respect.
Yes, it’s unfortunate that every guy isn’t a nice guy, who isn’t going to harm us, but as long as there are rapists, murders and guys looking to take advantage, I don’t think it’s wise to be ignoring of reality, so to assume we should be safe everywhere, then be surprised to find out we aren’t, or expect it to be different, not likely in our lifetimes.
Yes and Yes. And “exactly” — this “take responsibility for yourself”, meaning “take responsibility for the other guy” BS is so insidiously impacted in our culture we don’t see it. Until someone (like you) points it out. I’ve been on this one for awhile, and untwisting its guilt trip from my psyche. Thanks, Maria.
Yes, Maria, I read your piece and went to my class description and put YES before No in the healthy boundaries section. Boundaries have been coming up a lot. They are not mental constructs, which is where a lot of the problem rise. They are physical/spiritual awareness, and they are developed through touch. As infants and children we learn the integrity of our I AM, our boundaries, by being loved and touched, cuddled, cradled, carried. Adults who are healing boundaries need somatic therapies to remedy past violation and neglect. I am suddenly thinking of the Skinner Box. Aaagggh!
What I am wondering as I type and think, is enthusiastic consent really available unless someone has solid sense of self? Part of the healing is bringing that concept to the fore. People can find their sense of self in order to give enthusiastic consent!
Hallelujah. So very relieved to see someone say this, Maria. Thank you!