4 thoughts on “from Book of Blue: An inquiry into solitary”
Here is a revised edition, for Betty Dodon’s website:
Inquiry into Solitary
from Book of Blue by Eric Francis / Photo by Eric, too.
Many people have discovered the emancipating pleasure of sharing masturbation. Many who have not actually tried it have thought about quite a lot; some are delightfully obsessed: the idea of others masturbating, and oneself being seen or caught masturbating, are two of the most dependable fantasies out there. So you may have a window into how potent of a balm this is, and how beautifully it opens up the space for other forms of exploration. For now, let’s work from the other direction.
One of the first things that we learn about masturbation is to do it alone. We’re not shoved into a closet; more like a room. Consider how many kids think nothing of masturbating with everyone around. This shows us that it’s a natural activity and not inherently experienced as wrong. So we need to consider carefully how we deliver the advice that kids should masturbate by themselves. We don’t want to send a mixed signal that ‘this is okay’ mixed with ‘but you’re being banished’.
Adults also need to notice their own embarrassment. We modify sexual speech and behavior supposedly to protect kids, and often in the process we project our shame onto them. I believe that adults need to own their part in the equation and ask themselves about what they’re feeling, and how they were treated by their caregivers at the same age. It’s not enough to merely push the child and his or her feelings behind the veil of social respectability. Once that starts, it never ends. While we’re busy being sexpositive, we don’t want to send the message that sexual feelings are wrong.
I am not saying that it’s appropriate for children to masturbate with company around; I am saying that we have to be careful how we send the message of what is appropriate. Masturbation is the core of sexual feeling and consciousness; all sexual feeling emerges from there. Before most of us have any notion of reproduction or penetrative sex, there is the pleasure of touching and that starts as self-touching. The emotions, sense of discovery and craving for exploration are deeply poignant (imagine this kind of self-communion in a pre-verbal state). Without the least thought, to that whole living breathing experience is grafted the shame of having to be alone, obviously for a reason: something must be wrong. So if something is not wrong, we have to make that point clearly, in language and with compassionate feelings.
Otherwise, enforced aloneness becomes associated with pleasure, with shame and wrongness. They mingle and become one entity. Notably this happens prior to what Freud described as the ‘latency phase’, when children in Western culture appear to stop being sexual for nearly a decade between about 3 or 4 years old and early adolescence. I’m aware that there are exceptions even within our culture, for example, some children (all girls, in my experience of listening to sexual histories) who are sexual and even orgasmic all the way through this latency phase, though for the most part, we shut children down and assume that they have no notion of sex until it emerges with a vengeance at puberty.
As nearly anyone will tell you, the emotions that surround the rediscovery of masturbation are complex and intense. They are, not surprisingly, mingled with various feelings of guilt, shame and embarrassment, which can spill into a general discomfort with existence, with being seen and noticed, and with being touched. There are many dimensions to thoughts/concerns of what would others think, and do other people do this? It might not be this way if kids were not kept in the dark about this whole subject area, that is to say, themselves.
One of the next things we are told about masturbation is that it’s not real sex. The only dignified sex is with another person, and not just any other person but one who reflects well on us. I’m aware that there is an enlightenment movement afoot – if you explore the pages of Solotouch.com, one of the best websites for authentic masturbation stories, you will get a window into one dimension of what is normal, though I am sure that this viewpoint – that masturbation is something to celebrate – doesn’t affect more than a few people in a hundred, if that many.
Again, let’s speak to the people who get left out. Most of them learn that masturbation is wrong, and that it’s a substitute for ‘real sex’, which is also wrong, at least until you’re married. But ‘real’ sex is at least less embarrassing; you have the approval of another person.
Think about that combination of influences: it’s a vicious double bind. But shameful, childish and conceited as masturbation is considered to be, it’s okay if you do it alone (because we all do, and nobody can stop it), and that mandatory aloneness is, as far as I can see, one of the deep roots of shaming not only masturbation but all of sex and, by easy extension, all of the feelings that go with eroticism. And this, in turn, is existential. Our feelings about sex and masturbation reflect closely our feelings about existence.
So when we approach this subject we are unraveling those feelings, all that doubt, the complicated web of emotions, values and self-image. Deep in those shadows, there is the light of awareness and of free existence. There is the desire to be known, to be understood, and the authentic craving of contact which we give to ourselves first – and learn to receive.
Interesting…I did not intend to depict her as cornered, but rather, as sitting in a corner…this photo was from our first session, which grew into a magnificent, fiery collaboration. I’ve fallen in love with Iris 100 times and I miss her dearly. This picture was taken in my apartment in St Gilles, Belgium, a quarter of Brussels.
My favorite physical detail in this photo is the reflection of her sternum and the shadow below her left breast. She can see her own face; we cannot.
Ah…a human being, backed into a corner, naked and alone with a mirror.
Inquiry into Solitary
from Book of Blue
p(caption). Photo of Iris by Eric Francis.
Insisting that masturbation be solitary seems like the perfect way to perpetuate all sorts of sexual shame. I’m not saying that we should always masturbate together or ‘should’ do anything. To the contrary, I’m suggesting here that making alone the only option has a toxic effect that can offset even the the deep healing available within that inner space when we are alone.
Many people have discovered the emancipating pleasure of sharing masturbation. Many who have not actually tried it have thought about quite a lot; some are delightfully obsessed: the idea of others masturbating, and oneself being seen or caught masturbating, are two of the most dependable fantasies out there. So you may have a window into how potent of a balm this is, and how beautifully it opens up the space for other forms of exploration. For now, let’s work from the other direction.
One of the first things that we learn about masturbation is to do it alone. We’re not shoved into a closet; more like a room. Consider how many kids think nothing of masturbating with everyone around. What’s the big deal? Well, nobody thinks about that when they pull the kid aside and say, ‘You’re only supposed to do that alone’. The point is that the adults involved are embarrassed, and instead of considering their own embarrassment, the child and his or her feelings are pushed behind the veil of social respectability. And this is where it all begins: the downward spiral into the dark abyss.
In other articles I’ve described how masturbation is the core of sexual feeling and consciousness. Before most of us have any notion of reproduction or penetrative sex, there is the pleasure of touching and that starts as self-touching. The emotions, sense of discovery and craving for exploration are deeply poignant (imagine this kind of self-communion in a pre-verbal state). Without the least thought, to that whole living breathing experience is grafted the _shame of having to be alone_, obviously for a reason: something is wrong. To tell the kid, as many seemingly enlightened parents do, that ‘this is okay but you have to do it alone’ is a mixed signal. Why would it be okay if I have to be banished?
So the enforced aloneness becomes associated with the pleasure, the shame and wrongness. They mingle and become one entity. Notably this happens prior to what Freud described as the ‘latency phase’, when children in Western culture appear to stop being sexual for nearly a decade between about 3 or 4 years old and early adolescence. I’m aware that there are exceptions even within our culture, for example, some children (all girls, in my experience of listening to sexual histories) who are sexual and even orgasmic all the way through this latency phase, though for the most part, we shut children down and assume that they have no notion of sex until it emerges with a vengeance at puberty.
As nearly anyone will tell you, the emotions that surround the rediscovery of masturbation are complex and intense. They are, not surprisingly, mingled with various feelings of guilt, shame and embarrassment, which can spill into a general discomfort with existence, with being seen and noticed, and with being touched. There are many dimensions to thoughts/concerns of what would others think, and do other people do this? It might not be this way if kids were not kept in the dark about this whole subject area, that is to say, themselves.
One of the next things we are told about masturbation is that it’s not real sex. The only dignified sex is with another person, and not just any other person but one who reflects well on us. I’m aware that there is an enlightenment movement afoot – if you explore the pages of Solotouch.com you will get a window into one dimension of what is normal, though I am sure that this viewpoint – that masturbation is something to celebrate – doesn’t affect more than a few people in a hundred, if that many.
Again, let’s speak to the people who get left out. Most of them learn that masturbation is wrong, and that it’s a substitute for ‘real sex’, which is also wrong, at least until you’re married. But ‘real’ sex is at least less embarrassing; you have the approval of another person.
Think about that combination of influences: it’s a vicious double bind. But shameful, childish and conceited as masturbation is considered to be, it’s okay if you do it alone (because we all do, and nobody can stop it), and that mandatory aloneness is, as far as I can see, one of the deep roots of shaming not only masturbation but all of sex and, by easy extension, all of the feelings that go with eroticism. And this, in turn, is existential. Our feelings about sex and masturbation reflect closely our feelings about existence.
So when we approach this subject we are unraveling those feelings, all that doubt, the complicated web of emotions, values and self-image. Deep in those shadows, there is the light of awareness and of free existence. There is the desire to be known, to be understood, and the authentic craving of contact which we give to ourselves first – and learn to receive.
Here is a revised edition, for Betty Dodon’s website:
Inquiry into Solitary
from Book of Blue by Eric Francis / Photo by Eric, too.
Many people have discovered the emancipating pleasure of sharing masturbation. Many who have not actually tried it have thought about quite a lot; some are delightfully obsessed: the idea of others masturbating, and oneself being seen or caught masturbating, are two of the most dependable fantasies out there. So you may have a window into how potent of a balm this is, and how beautifully it opens up the space for other forms of exploration. For now, let’s work from the other direction.
One of the first things that we learn about masturbation is to do it alone. We’re not shoved into a closet; more like a room. Consider how many kids think nothing of masturbating with everyone around. This shows us that it’s a natural activity and not inherently experienced as wrong. So we need to consider carefully how we deliver the advice that kids should masturbate by themselves. We don’t want to send a mixed signal that ‘this is okay’ mixed with ‘but you’re being banished’.
Adults also need to notice their own embarrassment. We modify sexual speech and behavior supposedly to protect kids, and often in the process we project our shame onto them. I believe that adults need to own their part in the equation and ask themselves about what they’re feeling, and how they were treated by their caregivers at the same age. It’s not enough to merely push the child and his or her feelings behind the veil of social respectability. Once that starts, it never ends. While we’re busy being sexpositive, we don’t want to send the message that sexual feelings are wrong.
I am not saying that it’s appropriate for children to masturbate with company around; I am saying that we have to be careful how we send the message of what is appropriate. Masturbation is the core of sexual feeling and consciousness; all sexual feeling emerges from there. Before most of us have any notion of reproduction or penetrative sex, there is the pleasure of touching and that starts as self-touching. The emotions, sense of discovery and craving for exploration are deeply poignant (imagine this kind of self-communion in a pre-verbal state). Without the least thought, to that whole living breathing experience is grafted the shame of having to be alone, obviously for a reason: something must be wrong. So if something is not wrong, we have to make that point clearly, in language and with compassionate feelings.
Otherwise, enforced aloneness becomes associated with pleasure, with shame and wrongness. They mingle and become one entity. Notably this happens prior to what Freud described as the ‘latency phase’, when children in Western culture appear to stop being sexual for nearly a decade between about 3 or 4 years old and early adolescence. I’m aware that there are exceptions even within our culture, for example, some children (all girls, in my experience of listening to sexual histories) who are sexual and even orgasmic all the way through this latency phase, though for the most part, we shut children down and assume that they have no notion of sex until it emerges with a vengeance at puberty.
As nearly anyone will tell you, the emotions that surround the rediscovery of masturbation are complex and intense. They are, not surprisingly, mingled with various feelings of guilt, shame and embarrassment, which can spill into a general discomfort with existence, with being seen and noticed, and with being touched. There are many dimensions to thoughts/concerns of what would others think, and do other people do this? It might not be this way if kids were not kept in the dark about this whole subject area, that is to say, themselves.
One of the next things we are told about masturbation is that it’s not real sex. The only dignified sex is with another person, and not just any other person but one who reflects well on us. I’m aware that there is an enlightenment movement afoot – if you explore the pages of Solotouch.com, one of the best websites for authentic masturbation stories, you will get a window into one dimension of what is normal, though I am sure that this viewpoint – that masturbation is something to celebrate – doesn’t affect more than a few people in a hundred, if that many.
Again, let’s speak to the people who get left out. Most of them learn that masturbation is wrong, and that it’s a substitute for ‘real sex’, which is also wrong, at least until you’re married. But ‘real’ sex is at least less embarrassing; you have the approval of another person.
Think about that combination of influences: it’s a vicious double bind. But shameful, childish and conceited as masturbation is considered to be, it’s okay if you do it alone (because we all do, and nobody can stop it), and that mandatory aloneness is, as far as I can see, one of the deep roots of shaming not only masturbation but all of sex and, by easy extension, all of the feelings that go with eroticism. And this, in turn, is existential. Our feelings about sex and masturbation reflect closely our feelings about existence.
So when we approach this subject we are unraveling those feelings, all that doubt, the complicated web of emotions, values and self-image. Deep in those shadows, there is the light of awareness and of free existence. There is the desire to be known, to be understood, and the authentic craving of contact which we give to ourselves first – and learn to receive.
Interesting…I did not intend to depict her as cornered, but rather, as sitting in a corner…this photo was from our first session, which grew into a magnificent, fiery collaboration. I’ve fallen in love with Iris 100 times and I miss her dearly. This picture was taken in my apartment in St Gilles, Belgium, a quarter of Brussels.
My favorite physical detail in this photo is the reflection of her sternum and the shadow below her left breast. She can see her own face; we cannot.
Ah…a human being, backed into a corner, naked and alone with a mirror.
Inquiry into Solitary
from Book of Blue
p(caption). Photo of Iris by Eric Francis.
Insisting that masturbation be solitary seems like the perfect way to perpetuate all sorts of sexual shame. I’m not saying that we should always masturbate together or ‘should’ do anything. To the contrary, I’m suggesting here that making alone the only option has a toxic effect that can offset even the the deep healing available within that inner space when we are alone.
Many people have discovered the emancipating pleasure of sharing masturbation. Many who have not actually tried it have thought about quite a lot; some are delightfully obsessed: the idea of others masturbating, and oneself being seen or caught masturbating, are two of the most dependable fantasies out there. So you may have a window into how potent of a balm this is, and how beautifully it opens up the space for other forms of exploration. For now, let’s work from the other direction.
One of the first things that we learn about masturbation is to do it alone. We’re not shoved into a closet; more like a room. Consider how many kids think nothing of masturbating with everyone around. What’s the big deal? Well, nobody thinks about that when they pull the kid aside and say, ‘You’re only supposed to do that alone’. The point is that the adults involved are embarrassed, and instead of considering their own embarrassment, the child and his or her feelings are pushed behind the veil of social respectability. And this is where it all begins: the downward spiral into the dark abyss.
In other articles I’ve described how masturbation is the core of sexual feeling and consciousness. Before most of us have any notion of reproduction or penetrative sex, there is the pleasure of touching and that starts as self-touching. The emotions, sense of discovery and craving for exploration are deeply poignant (imagine this kind of self-communion in a pre-verbal state). Without the least thought, to that whole living breathing experience is grafted the _shame of having to be alone_, obviously for a reason: something is wrong. To tell the kid, as many seemingly enlightened parents do, that ‘this is okay but you have to do it alone’ is a mixed signal. Why would it be okay if I have to be banished?
So the enforced aloneness becomes associated with the pleasure, the shame and wrongness. They mingle and become one entity. Notably this happens prior to what Freud described as the ‘latency phase’, when children in Western culture appear to stop being sexual for nearly a decade between about 3 or 4 years old and early adolescence. I’m aware that there are exceptions even within our culture, for example, some children (all girls, in my experience of listening to sexual histories) who are sexual and even orgasmic all the way through this latency phase, though for the most part, we shut children down and assume that they have no notion of sex until it emerges with a vengeance at puberty.
As nearly anyone will tell you, the emotions that surround the rediscovery of masturbation are complex and intense. They are, not surprisingly, mingled with various feelings of guilt, shame and embarrassment, which can spill into a general discomfort with existence, with being seen and noticed, and with being touched. There are many dimensions to thoughts/concerns of what would others think, and do other people do this? It might not be this way if kids were not kept in the dark about this whole subject area, that is to say, themselves.
One of the next things we are told about masturbation is that it’s not real sex. The only dignified sex is with another person, and not just any other person but one who reflects well on us. I’m aware that there is an enlightenment movement afoot – if you explore the pages of Solotouch.com you will get a window into one dimension of what is normal, though I am sure that this viewpoint – that masturbation is something to celebrate – doesn’t affect more than a few people in a hundred, if that many.
Again, let’s speak to the people who get left out. Most of them learn that masturbation is wrong, and that it’s a substitute for ‘real sex’, which is also wrong, at least until you’re married. But ‘real’ sex is at least less embarrassing; you have the approval of another person.
Think about that combination of influences: it’s a vicious double bind. But shameful, childish and conceited as masturbation is considered to be, it’s okay if you do it alone (because we all do, and nobody can stop it), and that mandatory aloneness is, as far as I can see, one of the deep roots of shaming not only masturbation but all of sex and, by easy extension, all of the feelings that go with eroticism. And this, in turn, is existential. Our feelings about sex and masturbation reflect closely our feelings about existence.
So when we approach this subject we are unraveling those feelings, all that doubt, the complicated web of emotions, values and self-image. Deep in those shadows, there is the light of awareness and of free existence. There is the desire to be known, to be understood, and the authentic craving of contact which we give to ourselves first – and learn to receive.