One highlight from our alove (I meant to type alive) and living sky is that the Sun is right where Chiron was discovered in 1977. Chiron, the birth of a new era in astrology and astronomy, is a planet related to standing out, raising awareness and gifts of healing. Chiron’s discovery degree acts a lot like Chiron, and we’ve been getting the full effect since the Sun entered Taurus Friday, followed by that vibrant New Moon.
Adding to the fast vibration of the moment is Mercury conjunct Uranus. This is the astrology of a breakthrough in motion, of an idea being born, of the mind seeking freedom. In Aries, add to that a quest for liberation from whatever concept of ‘self’ no longer works: your personality box, your self-definition, whatever you consider to be your ego and your ideas of how that limits you. You might be right up against those limits right now, feeling them strain, feeling the boundary stretch, aware of your imminent release. You might be scared at the thought of what happens when it (whatever ‘it’ is) bursts, or you might have the sensation (magnified to the size of your mind) of wanting to break a blister on your foot, knowing how good it will feel if you do it precisely and gently.
Some who can see onto the energy planes describe a kind of envelope within which the soul exists, when incarnated, which sometimes seems like a bubble. Imagine that bubble can be at a higher pressure than the space around it, and press outward; or that it can be at a lower pressure and be pressed inward, collapsing a little (or a lot). And it can be at equilibrium with the space around it. Given those choices, how do you feel?
The astrology, for what it’s worth, is describing higher pressure inside the membrane than outside, like a balloon. Perhaps visualize a way that you can ease off the interior pressure just a little bit. You may know techniques that work for you — movement, meditation, breathwork, artwork, orgasm — there are many. The astrology is calling for flow, for all of this energy to flow somewhere, though a gentle approach will work best.
The Sun, which you can think of as representing the expressive adult ego, is now about to move into aspect with one planet after the next: it’s just passed a sextile to Neptune. Next is a trine to Mars (Monday) followed by a sextile to Chiron and an trine to Pluto. The planets involved in the upcoming aspects (Mars, Pluto, Chiron) are all of the potent, focused variety; the aspects (sextiles and trines) are the ones that facilitate the flow of energy. Quoting Joe Trusso, the opposite of depression is expression.
Expression will help you tap the energy and also give you nice opportunities to put it to use. If we’re talking about Mars, Pluto and Chiron, use might include the deeper emotional kind of expression or self-exploration. Mars invokes the theme of desire. Chiron wants be comfortable in its individuality and Pluto wants depth and growth.
These are the places to maintain your focus. Ease through conflict before it escalates; return to your central task of guiding your journey from moment to moment. Note your experience. Notice what you know needs to change, what simply must change, and see if you can ease into the flow of precisely that change happening. The rare beauty of this moment exists in potential until each of us, individually, embraces the possibility. Tune into how many are awake to the tangible idea that we can go past fear into something better, not just that we must but that we truly can. Then, prepare to go deeper: lovingly, boldly deeper. First with yourself, then perhaps with someone else.
HS: Bullshit.
“Mandy and Maeve, okay, I’m like a blushing a tad…. or more than a tad.”
Breathe. Inhale 1 2 3 Exhale. ;-
oooops! Sorry Mandy, I thought you wrote “bullshitting with this”. I see its actually “blushing”. I’m not blushing at all………
Katie, to you answer you question, well, she said I did amazing! She was rather shocked it was only the second time. This really did pop up over the weekend! And I never bullshit. 😉 I love the fact that we can talk openly about many issues here, and I would never abuse that (just for the record).
Katie: HS said last week that he had made a sandwich board with “You know you want it!” written on it. Careful what you ask for!! If he’s blushing with this, how’s he going to fare on the street? Just getting him ready for his debut ;D
I’m looking forward to tea and hot yoga at his place so he can tell us all about it.
How did I miss this thread? Too funny. Giggling while catching up. Well played, Maeve and MandyM. 🙂 Hmmm . . . can’t believe I have to mention this: HS, you never did answer that question you left us to ponder from your first post! 😉
Great stuff HS, MandyM, Maeve! What a naughty bunch you are! My ex had problems in the hydraulics department – but was a very cunning linguist indeed. It was after he left me that I finally learned to masturbate… Must dash, or i’ll miss that bus to work.
speaking of asteroids, Google execs are now investing in asteroid mining, announcing such today or so. is this “chartable”?
The catapulting career stuff I totally dig- I’m reaching out, speaking out for what I want and expect, seizing opportunities. I’m all about the job stuff happening fast.
The relationship changes at the same time are a lot to process, however. Being a Cancer through and through, I like my changes slow, well-informed and in my comfort zone. But I’m realizing, on taking a step back (and reading up on this week), that a lot of this fear and conflict over this new relationship that’s cropped up is totally internal. Especially since we’re both really great at addressing where we went wrong in the past and being frank about our shortcomings and baggage. I really need to stop being afraid when he’s giving me exactly what I need, ya know? It’s just happening so fast. We’re both like, wait a minute- when did this turn into a relationship? Well, hey. Oh hi. Here we are. This is nice.
Hazel1, I’m sorry that your cat suffered, but glad he’s in a peaceful place now. I’ve been there and know what a big part of your heart is missing.
I thought I’d drop my experience(s) into the mix as I’m feeling a lot better these days, what with Neptune out of my first house after 14 years (I also have Venus in Pisces which doesn’t help). I’ve finally been able to put my foot down and set those necessary boundaries. The sea change seems to have begun in November when I said ‘enough’ to my soulmate/man, politely wishing him well and walking away. For all that I love him, maybe I see now especially because I do, I realized that we both needed the space to heal and not continue on a roller coaster of hurt and fear. Que sera, sera.
*Carrie; my son also exhibits that behavior, but I’m learning to call him on it and walk away. I think they’re just trying to keep you in the role that suits them. Of course this was harder to do before, when that good mother guilt thing would kick in. I think the key word is simply to say ‘enough’. It’s working pretty well.
I’ve been living through a lot of healing this past year. I was suffering from really severe carpal tunnel (I’m a guitarist) when I went to see a Chinese doctor for acupuncture. *Dr. Shih is in Kingston Eric, if you ever need to meet the embodiment of Kwan Yin. ; ) She’s an incredibly loving healer. I was still recovering from emergency gall bladder surgery last spring, but she wound up treating the ‘whole’ me, as they do. The treatments went so deep, basically to that ‘wound’ long buried. She created a place for me to feel so at home and safe in, patiently working with me through a series of treatments. When ‘it’ was released (which was surprising, weird, and creepy) and I related the somatic experience, she didn’t seem surprised! Now I’m connected with my own body in a way I hadn’t known most of my life. It’s amazing how much abuse can be held in and onto; and equally how horrible the effects are. In essence, my voice had been taken from me. The connotations of the gall bladder and especially the bitterness of bile aren’t lost on me. Therapy had only managed to do so much; this seemed to be the missing piece I needed. Or perhaps, it’s all just part of the right evolution of my path.
While it’s never been hard to deal with all negativity and bs that’s out there, it’s somehow becoming easier deflect. Your advice about being mindful and letting those defenses soften Eric, came in handy last Friday. As for pressure and ‘the bubble’, I actually feel like I could burst that rainbow bubble with the tip of my tongue. I bet I could even taste sunlight if I tried. It feels like my time is now; I know what I want, where I want to be, how I want to get there, and feel as if it might even be possible that I can. I’m happy to feel as grounded as I do. Of course I could be living in my own little bubble ; ) as I’m officially unemployed, but ‘expression instead of depression’ is what I’m called to follow. I found my muse, have my voice back, and I’m going to try and remain mindful as I take the steps to develop my musical craft/calling one step at a time, “…taking things gently – learning to read the signs and “warning” signals…” as Indranibe said.
Peace out all…
PS> Thanks Sarah, the heart does know!
Pickle, what a perfect summary of how I’ve been feeling for a long time now. The toilet training image, in particular, speaks directly to the vague embarrassment I often feel, that at age 50, I’m still struggling to feel mastery over the basics of life, much less figure out who I want to be when I grow. (Funnily enough, I typed the period before I had finished “grow UP.” Ah well, go figure…)
Speaking of mastery, I wish I had a fraction of the chart knowledge that so many posters here have: although I’ve worked with my chart for years and know it well, I’m no good at working with the transits in any meaningful way. My natal Mars is in Virgo at 28 degrees, but I’m at a loss to interpret it, so instead I just worry, 🙂 …
Love those juicy tangents!
Aw, you’re all so sexy. I’m a little jealous.
I seem to be both a delicate ball of glass and the clumsy serving girl carrying it. I don’t know what to do when I’m this fragile, other than to give myself tiny little jobs and cheer like you would for a toddler in toilet training every time I accomplish one.
Chiron will serve as binding, bridge between Pluto and Uranus, just time to tame us has this energy out of the ordinary before being let go in nature or need to fend for themselves without kickstand. Therefore need us to now guided us by chiron to make the right direction through our inner life, suggestive thoughts, our impressions of the time our instinctive healing capabilities, our internal resources are best weapons of defenses against threats that arise
Mercury goes away Uranus with this feeling of having forgotten something, everything is going so fast in the energy of the RAM that is there still remain to take advantage of the Astral improvisation …. 🙂
Astrology AND ADVENTURE! 😉
Almost forgot this is an astrology site. Ahem.
Saturn. Grand Trines. Mars. Apex. Venus. 90 degrees. Sagittarius. Etc.,
Yeah, just wanted to grab that tie and say “Come hither…” or is that “Cum hither?”
Stormi: love the “play” on words, and the Hummingbird image is hilarious.
Mandy and Maeve, okay, I’m like a blushing a tad…. or more than a tad.
And while we’re on the subject ;). I did some reading and porn watching (not quite extra curricular monastic training but…well…moving right along….) and the first thing was all about going in on the gentle side, watching her reaction and then responding to that. I had a girl rub her hand right pretty hard on my tip thinking I’d just LOVE that. Well I nearly flew 5 feet off the bed! Like WTF?!? Seriously? So, I would naturally guess this can be a sensitive spot for you gals. And like guys, there are spots which are sensitive but not hot spots. This is why masturbating is so important right? Learning to be subtle, working with zones, etc. I like doing it. I think I will love doing it with someone I really really like. And I ain’t feeling no guilt none nope natta.
Right?
I mean, rawr. Dark hair, those eyes…
Hee. 😀
Hee hee. I wonder if his ears are warm? But, in all seriousness, I almost fell outta my chair when I saw his pic. ;D
MandyM – It’s all good. 🙂 I didn’t figure you were grr-serious anyhow. I was laughing as I read your response and typed mine.
I don’t worry so much about what emoticons come up. I just type ’em as they come. The only prob is when you’re going between rich/html text (like in certain emails) and to plain text, and back… half of your “:)” get turned into “J” for some reason.
I think the normal smiley face you see here is just a : and a ) Beyond that, no clue.
Also, this is gonna be awesome when HS gets back to his computer. ;D
Maeve: I must have spent half an hour last night trying to figure out how to make the yellow smiley face appear in these comments, to no avail. My special characters thing has everything BUT the yellow smiley face. There’s a black and white one which is really teeny, I can’t tell what the expression is. I like the ;D thing though. If I had thought, I would have stuck it in the last comment to you – long story short (TOO LATE!!!), I was just kidding.
My kids sent me texts with acronyms, which just results in more texts ’cause I have to ask “What does that mean?” I’m not quite as hip to the groove as I appear.
MandyM – *snicker* Prior reservations notwithstanding, I can still call him a fox. ;D
“You’re gonna be too busy doing the dirty dance with Hades anyway.” Okay, that one just makes me arch an eyebrow and say “Oh _really_?” Don’t know if most people would run screaming, but that just sounds too interesting (and fun) to be a-feared of. Not to say that I’m … trying not to let my caution scare me out of everything, but, well… Trying to stay the line of respectful without being foolhardy. ‘Cause that doesn’t usually end well…
HS: Okay, TMI?
…whatever…
You just made this Cougar ROAR with laughter. Man, you are just too cute. Speaking of which – hey Maeve, I saw him first (meow). You’re gonna be too busy doing the dirty dance with Hades anyway.
“It’s my second time going down a woman, how did I do??”
I had never enjoyed this until my last lover. I’m not sure how it began, but near the beginning of our adventure I commented that most men make the mistake of ‘diving in’. Too much force actually results in numbing the area, and as a result there really isn’t any point in continuing with it.
After many months, I commented on how incredibly good my lover was in this activity. He replied that it was completely due to what I had told him months before.
Yup, talking is good. And isn’t it wonderful that this isn’t the only thing our mouths can do?
hey rawk on HugS! i’ve found cunnilingus is always done best by cunning linguists. 😉 you remind me, when i got home from the pool yesterday i was fascinated by two hummingbirds outside my house. couldn’t tell if they were fighting or fucking but thought it was interesting that they for one, did not mind me watching and two, occasionally got stuck in a 69 position. sweet spring. inJoy!
Hazel1 – may your grief be short and healing. I know what it’s like to lose a kitty friend. It gets just a little bit easier to bear each day. I bet your kitty still watches over you… he just had some errands to attend to that he couldn’t manage, being here. Treat yourself well – remember to eat, give your self time to grieve, and be gentle with yourself.
Also…
“Remember, you are not alone. We’re here.”
Thank you. 🙂
It’s a beautiful spring here in Santa Fe and last Monday I realized that one of my cats who has been sick all of his 9 years was beginning the downturn that he wouldn’t come back from. So last week I cried a lot and got ready to have him put down. I wanted him to go out while he still felt like himself, didn’t want to wait until he was in a final crisis and we both were freaking out. So this morning after it was done and he was in his grave in the garden I checked the Sabian Symbols online oracle and asked if he was okay now and it came up with Taurus 22 A White Dove Flying Straight and Fearlessly Over Troubled Waters, and that really comforted me that I did the right thing. He’d been sick with auto immune diseases that we couldn’t keep up with, they’re very determined diseases. But when he came to me he was scared and didn’t trust anybody, his heart, spirit and mind were broken along with his body being ravaged, and by the end we had healed all but his body, which is sad, but we’re all more than just a body, so I think he’s actually okay. I’m a mess, but he’s okay.
HS – No worries about the TMI (at least from me). Seems like this is a good place for that sort of thing. And thank _you_ for putting yourself out there like that. 🙂
Good on you for deflecting your mother’s request.
Doubly good on you for taking the initiative to ask your lady friend if you’re doing well. Because honestly, it’s hard to just give criticism on that kind of thing, unasked (at least at first).
And is that you in your little icon?
For me there are two concurrent themes running. Both have inner and outer work. The Uranus/Merc feels like staking my ground, gaining confidence in new ways of approaching old patterns. For example, my mom wants me to come with her to India in Dec as that is when everything goes downhill. Another wonderful subtle fear seed hoping for me to react as a young child seeking the protection of a mother. Nope, not working. I said gently, If I go, I won’t be there for myself, I’ll be there for you, and I can’t do that sorry. I’ll be a drifter with no self initiative. I will go when I want to, when I have a reason to.
Next has a lot to do with Mars in Virgo. It’s finally feeling better. I’m very slowly starting to experience a better relationship with my sexual self as it pertains to responding “with another woman”. I’m still wonderfully single…..but sometimes a little gift comes along (doodeedoo…..). I have soooo much to learn and feel and get through. But I am feeling a little better about it all. And what’s great about Venus in Gemini is that I’m able to really talk about what I want, to say what feels good, and to ask “does that feel good? It’s my second time going down a woman, how did I do??”
Okay, TMI?
…whatever…
HS
MandyM – S’okay. I like pomegranate seeds.
—
The name, the word Persephone really resonates with me right now. I know the lore of Persephone, in the basic sense. But I’m guessing it might do me some good to follow that line and do a bit of research.
Carrie try laughing too next time your daughter says that. Or give her a big hug and laugh. Or just give her a big hug and laugh inside. Or something. Might work. My son and I got into an anger rut like that and one day I just laughed and gave him a hug. It wasn’t rational, the dynamic just changed that’s all
Huffy – Heh. When I read about your rabbit, I thought that whoever told you it was sick was trying to pull a fast one on you.
We have a few bunny rabbits here at work (I work right next to open desert, so we have a number of “wild” animals), who always make me smile. They’re the brown, long-back-legged, white cottontail, wider ear-ed type. I call my husband “bunny”, so I likes the bunnies.
We also have a mated pair of ravens who have established a nest right above the door to my building that I go through most frequently. We discovered that there are four wee baby ravens in the nest. This morning, I saw one of the parent ravens feeding a wee one, and the wee one actually stuck its head up for feeding (haven’t been able to see them ’til now, except for an illicit picture a window-washer took). It was very sweet.
Also saw a little lizard out there. Different markings than the normal blue-bellied leezards we get around here. It was so hot over the weekend, all of the trees here have erupted in bloom. I’ve never seen so many flowers in this town. 🙂 All the trees, cactus, little shrubs, everything.
Maeve “…you are not alone. We’re here”. And I’ll bring my rabbit along too! (see my dream below).
As for me, intense seems a frivolous word. My Gemini friend is on the rampage and I know who her target is. I am going to become the Bat and hang out in my cave, repeating the mantra of the Serenity Prayer.
Yea, though I walk through the Valley of the Shadow of Death, I fear no evil.
MandyM – My acupuncturist is also a shaman, and I see her today at 430p for a regular appointment. Perhaps not so regular after all. We’re also figuring out when to do some soul work (soon soon).
*thinky thinky*
Maeve: Darn tootin’ it’s the left field, only because I’m left handed. Don’t be scared, be prepared. Creator has deemed you powerful and worthy. Time for your destiny. The bat is also relevant to the Hanged Man in the Tarot (perhaps Sarah can expand on this, I know she just recently asked for suggestions and I think everyone might find it useful).
You are about to enter the Underworld, my little Persephone. Pluto is calling your name. Alice in Wonderland down the rabbit hole. If you are able to find a Shaman to help with this, do so – there are many modern ones, you don’t need to find an aborigine. Lynn Andrews has helpful information, she has written many books about her own journey. She offers workshops and retreats, but I find them expensive. http://lynnandrews.com/
Remember, you are not alone. We’re here.
Carrie, have been thinking… even if you’re daughter criticizes you, it shows what a healthy relationship you have with her – that she is able to express her feelings to you freely. That’s really precious.
Maeve – yes, fear of the unknown was exactly what I thought after posting.
MandyM – *blink blink* Meep? Why do you say initiation versus some sort of sign/healing? ‘Cause that just feels like crazy left field. (not bad crazy, just… omg where did that come from?)
Huffy – Generally, nausea has generally been more purgative for me. I can’t remember actually throwing up in dreams, and don’t often feel sick. I usually get pinpoint pains (that generally relate very specifically to then-pertinent acupuncture points), or am already somewhere to get treated for whatever’s going on. Thinking about it, I remember feeling worried/scared that I got bit and then was immediately nauseated. I remember being worried that I didn’t know why I felt sick and was worried about what it could mean (fear of the unknown?). Hmm.
Carrie – I don’t see any reason that both you and your daughter can’t be conceited. 🙂 Or maybe, if it suits better, “confident”. It sounds like what your daughter doing is passive aggressive manipulation. She _knows_ that when she calls you out like that, it hurts. But it also accomplished what she wants – putting the focus back on her. It seems so blase’ these days, how people use passive aggressive tendencies without thought, how it’s pretty much the norm. In your way, explain to her that if she’s upset, to -talk- to you, to discuss it with you. Instead of pulling on your heartstrings.
When I was growing up, things in the house were such a mess. Both mom and dad were full of passive aggressive shit, though moreso my mom, because it was dangerous to be outwardly aggressive with my dad. But these days, when I see them, or talk to them on the phone, if they pull any of that kind of stuff on me, I call them on it, right then, and tell them it’s unacceptable. Sometimes my dad is too crazy to hear me, and sometimes I have to just let it go and step away. But I don’t hold with being manipulated. Even now, when I’m being very confident, my dad will say “oh, aren’t you a know-it-all?”, and I just calmly reply “Yes, in this respect, I am. ‘Cause I know my shit and I’m right.”
Anyhow. If you consciously teach your daughter other ways of communicating and getting what she wants, perhaps you can both turn your unconscious reactions into conscious choices. 🙂
“Some who can see onto the energy planes describe a kind of envelope within which the soul exists, when incarnated, which sometimes seems like a bubble. Imagine that bubble can be at a higher pressure than the space around it … how do you feel?” I feel massive pressure. I feel like I can’t contain myself and/or I am resisting with all my might. I’d stop and give in, but what I’m resisting is invisible. I feel like I can’t breathe. I want to escape into sleep a lot. Gentle flow? Well, I’ll try! Small changes, gently. Dreams offer some relief.
“Carrie, You are as awesome as you say you are learning to finally let yourself be, I can tell! Anyway, your daughters can only benefit from your changes. I wish my mom had been able to live with her nascent awakening process when it was her time, instead of giving up…things would have been harder in the short term but so much better for all of us in the longer term…Hang in there. Big HUGS!!”
Thanks, Cara. That makes me feel a lot better.
“Carrie: My heart runneth over with love and compassion for you. All that crap within you and around you and coming at you is very potent fertilizer. There is gold in it. Hang in there, stay with it. You’re almost there.”
Thanks, Mandy; those words are just what I needed to read today! You have helped me to reframe it in a positive way.
Maeve,
Wow what a dream. Your bubble may be wobbly but you have a good awareness of how what you are doing (and eating) is affecting you. Keep that going because it matters so much.
And thanks for the words of advice. I have told my daughtert why it hurts; I have always been an “explaining” mom so they are very aware for their ages. I do think you have something there; I will try owning that “conceit.” I hadn’t done that up to now because I remember just how painful it was for me to live under my mother’s shadow of conceit just at the time when I most needed to find my self (late teens) and push up and outward as an adult. I do NOT want to harm my kids that way.
Already my daughter feels resentment that I have set boundaries that I had not set before so I worry about causing her to lose her sense of self because of mine growing. I must find a way to be myself AND make her aware that doing so does NOT diminish HER. It isn’t that way; each of us can BE who we are without that taking away from the other. How to help her see that is what I need to work on now. Thank you for directing me toward that!
Maeve: You can expect your Shaman initiation to last about 12 weeks. Surrender to it completely is my advice. Just preparing ya!
You’re very welcome, dear Maeve. The nausea might well be fear coming up? You’re right, these shamanic texts are so powerful and need to be read several times.
Thanks, Huffy. A lot of that resonates (not surprisingly).
I kind of got the impression that the bat did its thing because the blood had to be released. I don’t quite get the nausea bit, though. I don’t remember being worried that I was bleeding. It was a thing, that’s all.
I think I’m gonna need to re-read that page a few times to get everything that I need to get. 🙂 Thank you, again.
Carrie: My heart runneth over with love and compassion for you. All that crap within you and around you and coming at you is very potent fertilizer. There is gold in it. Hang in there, stay with it. You’re almost there.
Amazing dream, Maeve. Have a look at this:
http://www.shamanicjourney.com/article/6080/bat-power-animal-symbol-of-rebirth
I had almost nightmarish dreams last night, but it wasn’t particularly scary. They were early in the night, and every time I woke up between then and morning, I tried to remember my dream so I’d remember it when I woke. The only bits I remember now is that I was bitten by a bat. It was a small batty, but it had _teeth_. I couldn’t see the teeth, but when it bit me, I knew. It was fluttering around me and I couldn’t make it go away, it finally landed on top of my right hand, flattened out, and then bit me. And its teeth were huge, like 8 ga needles, and blood started rushing out of my hand. The bat ceased to exist (I can’t recall if I shook it off, or if it left, or if it just disappeared). The next thing I remember was thinking I was going to be okay, and tried to continue on with what I was doing, but then I got extremely nauseated and had to stop. I can’t remember if I said I had to go to the hospital or not.
In real life, my tummy is upset and I’m a little urpy and nauseated. But, I ate fairly poorly for me, and it not very surprising that my body is not amused. Plus, breakfast is greasy, and it’s not what I wanted (but it’s what was available).
—
My bubble feels wobbly. Like I’m trying to figure out where it should be, rather than a sense of pressure either way. But things are odd here… we finally broke the 100 degree mark this weekend, so it’s hot. My food over the weekend wasn’t particularly smart, so I feel physically woogy. I’m recovering from a bit of (re)injury to my back on Friday. So I think *I* just feel wobbly.
But I have a lot of healing work lined up (or soon to be lined up as soon as I know when to schedule things) and perhaps today with the Chiron resonance, I’ll be able to sort things out.
Carrie, You are as awesome as you say you are learning to finally let yourself be, I can tell! Anyway, your daughters can only benefit from your changes. I wish my mom had been able to live with her nascent awakening process when it was her time, instead of giving up…things would have been harder in the short term but so much better for all of us in the longer term…Hang in there. Big HUGS!!
Oh Carrie, what a mix of crazy now-and-then issues you’ve got with your family. One of the things I thought when I read your comment was “What’s wrong with being conceited?” and “What’s wrong with being perfect?” If your daughter throws these things out at you, from her own acting out… why not own them? Certainly don’t shrink back or capitulate. She says “You sound so conceited”, reply with “Well, I am, ’cause I know my shit.”
I don’t know what conversations you’ve had with your daughter, and I caveat that I don’t have children nor relate very well to them, but perhaps don’t just say “your words hurt me”, but explain why they hurt. Perhaps a part of your healing isn’t to assume that your children know what happened in your family before, but _explain_ it. Ensure no assumptions. I really feel that laying it out on the line, in your words, now, is important for you. It may help with your daughter and her reactions, but I really think it will help _you_ with yours.
Luck and strength to you. Don’t forget to keep yourself well fed and well rested during all of this. Having a body full of resources certainly helps the brain do its work.
Since 2009 I have been changing myself. I have too long felt like I had to hide the smart woman I am or to pretend and hide the good parts of myself.
Now that I have made some changes and worked so hard on allowing myself some feeling of pride in my accomplishments and my intuition and intelligence, I am being torn between my desire to launch my daughters into adulthood and my own independence as a woman.
One daughter in particular seems threatened by my growing sense of self. She is my most outgoing, natural leader daughter who is full of energy and who has a huge giving heart. Yet she seems resentful; some weeks back she had a melt down and said “Why do you have to be doing things for yourself NOW? This should be MY time!” Ah the self-centeredness of youth. I felt instantly guilty, felt that same shrinking of my self so as not to harm another.
I grew up with a narcissistic mother who gave with one hand even as she took away my sense of self and my trust in my own intuition and senses with the other. I was never as smart, beautiful, or good as she was. Finally, I am allowing myself to see just how shining I am as a person and now that daughter says things like “Mom, you are sounding conceited,” or “Mom you sound like you think you are perfect.” This pushes my Mommy buttons because it brings back all the pain of my mother’s treatment of me. With her words, my daughter says what my mother never said but instead what she did. In other words, my daughter has put into words the meaning of the actions my mother did to me that undermined my sense of self. This triggers me every time and I feel so angry and guilty all at once.
I love my daughter so much, I don’t want to hurt her but I also cannot keep allowing her words to trigger me. Each time she does it, I get tearful and defend myself saying that I felt that same admonition off my mother my whole life; how can she do that to me? She immediately apologizes and is contrite because all my kids know how my family treated me. O know she loves me and need sme as well. Yet a few weeks later, she does it again. ::::sigh::: There’s a part of me that wants so much to be able to just let it roll off me and not be triggered. She doesn’t deserve my reactions; she isn’t my mother and she has even started saying that to me when I trigger.
So the inner pressure is rising because I NEED to stop being that shrinking, self-effacing, mini person and stand up and be the shining, self assured person I am. The outer pressure seems to be doing its darndest to stop me with the “you will get a big head” message.
Yeah. I feel conflicted and I need to get through this. The weird thing is, other people now see me as this confident and strong person. A recent gift from the husband of a friend refered to me as being “hot.” I was completely confused by that because I am not hot in the physical sense of the word; too many wrinkles, still fat after losing 120 lbs, over 50 (both of them are over 10 years younger than I). My friend said it was because of my confidence. Really? I always heard confidence is sexy but I still feel like that fearful, unattractive, fat girl inside sometimes. It always amazes me that people see me as a confident leader when I don’t always feel like one . It is within my family that I feel vulnerable because I can be and for the most part, they are protective and caring.
yes, that feels so right … the opposite of depression is expression. Yay, Joe!
so here I am expressing and all I know anymore is that I must get out of my fear-filled head where all is petrified and, as you describe, near burst. I appreciate the visualization techniques greatly.
I’m just breathing in the flow and feeling the love of source to help me get to the next moment. It is a wonder, all of it.
mm.
Yay Mandy! I love the verse, and also that sweet thread wtih Huggy (HS). Sounds like you found a karmic twin.
And Cynthia, yes, that anger is one of our wake-up calls for sure. My own soul twin calls such things the bell of the soul. Being born with Mars conjunct Sun AND Saturn and the a whole bunch of emotion planets Aries, you can say I have been dealing with that more or less constantly my whole life!
Eric and PW daily folks, the pressure is outward but the artistic call is stronger than ever. Natal Chiron return coming up if not already there (I should check!). I’m on a similar schedule as you with the outer planets.
Reading an interesting book by poet David Whyte…”The 3 Marriages” about the conversation between love/sex, work, self-blossomin. Very interesting. This guy is on a similar journey to the heart of the matter.
Woke myself up (so I’d remember) from a rare astrology dream:
An acquaintance has come to my house for advice. He is no one I know in waking life. He’s been kicked out of the military and is struggling with the why and what to do next. (Mars has rejected him, I’m thinking in the dream…so he’s got massive drive that will need to be re-directed, I think to myself) He’s come to me for advice. He knows nothing of Astrology but is eager to learn. I am so honoured to help. I am at my bookshelf trying to find the one or two books that will make the best read for him. My inner voice is speaking to me saying “He needs to read about Aries NOW” so I am looking for the books that have the style that I think he will resonate with. I’m also telling him a bit about what Aries energy is all about as I search and I’m needing to speak loudly because he is in the next room from where I am. Suddenly everything stops and I see a book on my shelves that I’ve never seen before. It’s up very high…almost out of reach…a big fat book on Chiron. It is brand new and looks unopened. I remember thinking, “I don’t know what Chiron is, so why is this book here?” I eagerly reach for the book and pull it down and begin pouring thru the pages. I am so happy to know that there is something new to discover and that there is so much already written. I see the words “Helping to heal the wounded warrior” and I know this book will be one I give to the man. – EOD
Then I come here to find out today is our “anniversary” with “meeting” Chiron. For me this is a perfect Mercury-Uranus in Aries with Sun tri Mars kinda dream. Thanks PW for letting us know about this important moment in the flow of time!
The Winds of Change have blown my way
What will I choose to change this day?
My hair, my couch, my paper money
To laugh at things some don’t find funny
Make new my home, my job, my truck
Throw out the thought “Who gives a fuck?”
Or maybe what I choose to do
Is be more kind to me and you.
I let my temper get the best of me causing a problem at work. So now I am once again looking at how very angry I am, how old that anger is, and the problem I have expressing it. I am learning more about balance and how to allow expression of feelings and desires, be true to myself, and act with integrity. My mother used anger to control the family; it was one of the two emotions allowed in our home. That is by the adults; my sister and I were not allowed to admit we felt this. And yet. Mom modeled it so very well. I was an excellent student.
A friend tells me that first we remove the boulders, then the rocks, then the pebbles, then the sand. I sure hope I am in the pebble stage. Therapy, Course in Miracles, 12 Steps, Radical Honesty, decades of workshops, retreats, and inner work. Dig, remove, heal, dig, remove, heal.
Pressure? You bet! And so much fear, which is really what is behind the anger. Anger is juicy and alive, powerful. Fear is cowardly and shameful, weak. Anger moves; fear creeps in and creates a hollow life.
Can’t sleep so I listen to the Spring report again and find comfort and the reminder that the Giants bring influence and energy for change–but first I’ve got to see and feel it.
I am flying solo and miss having a lover and friend. Mars in Virgo in the 12th has been very lonely. Yet, this inner work, as the wheel turns, is productive in allowing me to get solid with me–to clean out the basement and attic of inherited junk, to organize the goods and what is worth keeping and release what hinders. I am so close to the place where I don’t give a fuck if people like me or not. I like me because I am that crazy mix of angry, creative, fearful, serene, silly, and loving. Alive and glowing!
Convinced the pressure was insurmountable today, I was not expecting your words to have a turnaround effect. But they have…thank you
So I have an Aries friend who is working through a lot of deep feelings about her sisters and an injury they did NOT support her through although each one was definitely in a position to do so at the time and thereafter. 2007-2008? Anyhow, she’s getting to the bottom of her feelings which involve quite a bit of rage and anger and projections, quite a few on me, the closest thing to a sister to her on this side of the country. I have started to confront her on more and more of these projections because they are starting to hurt my feelings and make me angry. I feel like she wants to play out her injuries and bad feelings with me instead of directly with her sisters, because why? I’m safer, I’m stronger, maybe she thinks I can take it. But really I’m just tired. Last night she indicated that she didn’t believe that I love her and that I think that I’m perfect….well, she definitely believes somebody doesn’t love her but it’s not me, and while I have my annoying oldest sister shit too, I’m definitely not perfect. I’m hoping she might start thinking twice if I begin confronting her on every little thing. But I also think we’re getting to the bottom of it. The truth is she doesn’t believe her sisters love her. Maybe that is the truth she really needs to confront.
**or rather, have found my feet, learning to stand and walk around a bit – and explore a few new things here and there (“supporting” onesself is much harder than we care to think!)
Thanks Eric – flow (or rather, “conscious” flow) is where it’s at. Been doing a huge amount of internal “cleaning’ and recalibration over the last couple of years – and this last year has been absolutely huge. Still feeling a little “delicate” – as one might after that much internal work – I’m talking about consciously dealing with 40 years of crap in something like 26 months, with a HUGE, concerted effort over the last 12 – on a daily basis. Deep, deep cleaning, but at the point of finding my feet. I’m looking forward to my birthday in 3 weeks time – with a sense of relief (for me my birthday is the marker of the only “New Year” that really matters), gratitude, and a new-found strength. I expect the celebration will be fairly quiet – I’ll be the one celebrating the most – but very happy.
And as I’ve said before, I like Pluto retrograde (I’m basically enjoying Pluto in Capricorn fullstop! And very happy about the Pluto Uranus conjunctions- the world needs to change – in a huge way!) – and Saturn in Libra’s been an amazing eye-opener – a truly amazing period of growth. What I would like to know more about is the effect of Saturn in Scorpio – that promises to be very, very interesting – anything we should be thinking about while we wait for it to come? Also, what’s coming up for Libra?
Thanks and kind regards,
Indrani
“wound” – “deep cleanse” – “back off (goodness, that’s a bit to deep for me – still sore – close up)” – “slowly does it, the truth is beautiful” (and boundaries gently softened)”. Beautifully expressed, indranibe – sort of similar for me – but feeling a lot of pressure and anxiety too.
Eric – I’m feeling -aaargh! “You might be right up against those limits right now, feeling them strain, feeling the boundary stretch, aware of your imminent release”. The release feels far away, though it could pop at any moment. Can’t get past that fear – right now it feels as if I have to give it space and love. In my dream last night I picked up and embraced a little brown rabbit with mangy fur, and was so happy to come across it, felt such love for it. And then I was told that it was a booby trap – that it was full of diseases, and had been put there for people to pick up and embrace. If that isn’t meeting fear and self-loathing… (bring back the hornets!). Thanks dearest Eric, for this wonderful blog and photo. xxx
hahahahaaaaa!!! say that a few times. indeed. my mantras are all astrology at the moment. including go with the flow. and i cling to words of wisdom.
still trying to wrap my head around the nuclear stuff, which was highly informative. and oddly connected to my current dilemma.
cross-connections are crazy wild.
well just go with the flow…the Sun is not quite in range of Chiron and Pluto but it will be soon enough. I am personally not experiencing this as pressure or the need to equalize pressure but then I am feeling in the creative flow like few times in my life…
what I write is just an interpretation! I try to write in an open ended way…would love to hear how anyone else is feeling this Mercury-Uranus conjunction in Aries with the Sun trine Mars…say that to yourself a few times even if you don’t know what it means.
xxef
**typo: should be “too close…”
PS: Sorry, maybe it was “intense” feelings – but you get the gist. Also, where personal relationships are concerned, noticing the “dance” between Chiron, Pluto, Saturn, and Neptune. Balance,balance, balance – sort of: “wound” – “deep cleanse” – “back off (goodness, that’s a bit to deep for me – still sore – close up)” – “slowly does it, the truth is beautiful” (and boundaries gently softened).
Hope that helps. 🙂
Any thoughts for those who aren’t feeling all that pressure you describe? That was this time last year for me. This time around, the pressure’s easing, taking things gently – learning to read the signs and “warning” signals – and doing that thing someone (Eric? Len? Amanda?) wrote about – can’t remember exactly, but something about “extreme” feelings needing to be explored. In the process of doing just that.
Cheers!