Compiled by Monica Martin
Her Pisces stellium, especially Sun, Venus, Eris:
“To be myself is this, to be dual. And you can’t be dual without tragedy. I live on a hundred planes at once. Created a subtle, strange world with Henry, then with Huck [Otto Rank]. Enriching both, capable of both loves and of creating and nourishing both. Desiring unity but incapable of it. Playing a million roles.” (Fire)
“Before I went to Allendy I knew that the collision with reality had again submerged me into dreams. My eyes waver and I cannot see very well. My eyes are blurred, as if I were drunk. I talk in the car as if I were galloping on a horse, and the world totters.
“In this mood I go to Allendy, and his kisses do not awaken me altogether. I tell him about my preoccupation with reality, how I feel that I miss it always. Either dreams or sensuality. No intermediate life. Dreams or sensuality. As in my writing. The overtones only, or the undertones.”
(Incest)
“Such an immense pity I have for Artaud because he is always suffering. I realize how extremely rare are the moments of physical wellbeing I have known, and equally rare the moments of absolute joy, and I want to create those moments for others. I know Artaud’s nerves and sensitivity are assuaged here — I remember what Henry was when I met him, and now he is an exultant, joyous, creative being. It is the darkness, the bitterness in Artaud I want to heal. Physically, I wouldn’t touch him. But the flame in him, and the pain, these I love.”
(Incest)
“It is while we are away from each other that we embroider upon the love by creating around it. [Moon conjunct Uranus] With continuous presence, the proportions are lost, Huck becomes an ordinary husband who is concerned only with the facts of my life, and the jealousy. [Juno in Sag in the third house square Sun conjunct Jupiter]
(Fire)
“Every time something is taken away from me, every time I lose someone or something, every time I must separate from something or someone, my reaction is creative. [Pallas conjunct Neptune, Moon conjunct Uranus] Huck observed that when I had lost my Father, I became my Father; when Henry fails me, I become the writer; when Rank fails me, I become an analyst. [Mars square Chiron sextile Venus conjunct Eris; Uranus opposed Pluto?] Everything must be replaced and re-created. Everything must come out of me and be me [Sun in the 5th house], and in me. I create my self-sufficiency, self reliance, self-fecundation. [Mars in the first house] But because I am a woman I don’t want to be without needs. [Moon square Venus] And I continue to have great needs. Nothing replaces life or love. I needed a father; I needed Henry; I needed Hugh’s protection, his loyalty, his faith; I needed Rank’s understanding; I needed Henry’s writing; I needed my Father’s equilibrium; I needed love. Terrific, immense, devouring, shattering needs. Life forces me to prevent and remedy needs– to be a cosmos all by myself: man, woman, father, mother, mistress, child. All the roles!”
(Fire)
Pallas conjunct Neptune: Expressed as her constant trickery. To have several lovers and, she says, not to hurt anyone, she develops a craft, a strategy by deceit.
“Lies: To explain to Henry why I could not spend this week with him. Inventions. Color. Drama. To explain to Allendy why I still go out one evening a week. Lies to Fred to attenuate effect of Henry’s furious cruelties because Fred steals a kiss now and then. ‘I love you like a brother’, which is not true. Fred’s sensitivity is like a barometer, but it has the depth of a feather.
“Lies to conceal from the world my struggles against bad health. As I am often too tired to last through a day, I invent activities while I run home to take a sunbath. Lies about the source of income I give Henry out of extreme sacrifices, because a job is more attractive than the pinching I have to do. And I couldn’t keep a job because I haven’t the strength. Lies to Hugo to preserve his security. Lies to Emilia. Lies to Joaquin to calm his jealousy. The lies of night nurses, doctors, and Utopians.
“The only person I do not lie to is my journal. Yet out of affection even for my journal I sometimes lie by omissions. There are still so many omissions!”
(Incest)
From The Washington Post in an article about her second husband, on how she managed to have two husbands at once:
“Both men apparently chose to believe her lies, which became so numerous that she wrote them down on index cards and locked them in a box so that she could keep her stories straight. She referred to the web of lies as her ‘trapeze’.”