I am researching Mars retrograde in Leo, which I am casting as a subtle polyamorous revolution, and I found this article, called Evolutioary Tendencies, which is currently hosted on Sexuality.org. This is an excerpt of an article written in approximately 1999. – efc
FOR SOME REASON it’s still controversial to openly admit to having or wanting more than one long-term intimate partner. It has sizzle. The idea can make you angry and nervous, or hot and curious, or both. Jealousy can arise like a reflex, or more accurately, reflux. Eyebrows go up. Your credibility is on the line. You’d better have a good explanation.
“You may be in a conversation with a seemingly rational person when the topic of non-monogamy comes up,” says Brett Hill, co-editor of the quarterly Loving More magazine, a Colorado-based central information point and philosophical forum for the polyamorous community. “Your friend’s demeanor changes. What was a decent conversation suddenly becomes a verbal assault, and it’s personal. It’s as if there was a military unit that trained each U.S. citizen in the defense of monogamy to bring out the big guns and annihilate discussion of anything else.”
Hill sees part of his mission as keeping that discussion going, and debunking the myth that monogamy is the only moral or spiritually legitimate way of life. It’s fine, he says, if that’s what you want, and if that’s what you’re really doing, but quite often it is neither. “In many ways, people function in two separate and often contradictory spheres,” says Hill. “One consists of a set of proscriptions concerning what behavior ought to occur. The other consists of what people actually do in concrete instances when overt behavior is observed. The two are in direct conflict in most every aspect of sex, marriage and family life.”
Hill agrees with the position of some anthropologists that cultural norms, that is, the rules themselves, serve the function of obscuring the actual behavior. The taboo around even discussing polyamory appears to be a veil drawn not over polyamory itself, but rather what it exposes about the way we were taught to have our monogamous relationships, and what really happens within them. To discuss one is to drag up the other. Honest talk about polyamory quickly transmogrifies into investigating the sticky wicket of what it really means to think you possess another human being. A lot of people have been waiting a long time to cut loose on that subject. Or it means exploring the idea of being a diverse person with several distinct sides that could relate to several different intimate partners – a discussion that might need to happen, perhaps, with your lover sitting right there.
Exploring the mere idea of opening your life to other partners involves honestly investigating what our real needs are, and admitting how they might not be being met in our current situation. Yet almost by accident, polyamory exposes one little problem with monogamy the way it’s frequently practiced. Often, one-to-one pairing implies not just exclusivity with one lover, but also curtailing other freedoms and friendships that “threaten” your partner, cutting off ties with old flames, not going to art school, not taking vacations by yourself, not masturbating, not moving to Europe, not sharing your authentic life goals because in some way they conflict with your current reality structure, and moreover, not mentioning anything that might threaten the tenuous state of the partnership – silent needs, unspoken resentments, unanswered questions and so on. Such failures-to-mention could be called withholds, and these withholds are the boards and beams out of which our houses of bullshit are built. And Lord knows, they are lonely dwellings.
Even discussing this thing called polyamory blows the doors off that kind of house. At the same time, another question is addressed: polyamory conveniently provides a legitimate way to expand our idea of partnership, recognizing that humans have legitimate needs for variety and community. It’s healthy for us; we are tribal animals. Sometimes I think we are all just waiting for somebody to give us permission.
Of course, there is always jealousy. Well, what about jealousy? This thing that kills us a thousand times, and still we come back for more, never asking the question. I haven’t seen polyamory answer the question, but I’ve seen it asked with heart-felt meaning, and I have seen many people make progress not just escaping from its ravages, but also opening up to the much deeper spiritual questions involved. In most relationships where the partners are any less neurotic than Woody Allen, discussing jealousy honestly, speaking about our quite legitimate fear of abandonment, of the relationship changing or ending, of opening up about how we feel about the people in our lives, all bring us closer. Barriers vanish. Bonding becomes deeper and more clear.
Honesty, practiced as a daily yoga, creates shared lives based on authentic understandings. And herein may lie the heart of the controversy. If there is something about the way we are currently taught to relate that so often causes us to keep secrets, withhold our feelings, deny our desires, want to own and control our partners and blatantly lie about what we actually do – then frequently split up – perhaps this new thing called polyamory is dangerous because it makes us face each other. We have to look straight within and be who we are, and see our partners for who they, in actual, fact truly are. In that environment, intimacy is a difficult thing to escape.
firegirl,
Sketicism is good. My entire point is that people should be free to create the relationships called for in your life. You may need poly relationships at times, or monagamy at times. Maybe one or the other all the time. There is no one size fits all. Saying poly is best and driving all relationships to fit that mold is no more enlightened than saying monogamy is best and driving all relationships to fit that. That’s it in a nutshell. Freedom to do what is best for a situation without having to worry about legal or social constraints.
re: “multiamory”, yes I can dig the new label. Works for me! But, does it still insinuate nastiness?, Only said due to the workings of, those who would rather not accept “that which is inherent!”.
Dirty, is dirty, obvious for all.
Sometimes,.. is it not possible that one escapes the nasties, and learns to engage with “soul folk” who have the capacity to engage one, for that moment of time, in the capacity that both require, (or some other funky synchronicity?), that allows folks to exchange the deepest, most profound aspects of their being?
And what if we could see through the crap?.. (It would be a different world.)
..but.. About Lovin’,.. (the universe produces the easiest flow, wether one jumps on or not is a different story. Lessons and Wisdom come hand in hand. Now, and Awareness are the keys.)
..Just a spiritual abstract on the conversation…
Firegirl,
Like with anything else, polyamory (which I now call multiamory) can be practiced with greater or lesser integrity. In actual fact, we all do love more than one person. Many people have successful sexual and/or bonded emotional relationships with more than one person. The deeper issue is integrity.
Whatever one’s opinion on the ‘issue’, we can afford to be honest about the underlying problem. I will quote Brett Hill again:
“In many ways, people function in two separate and often contradictory spheres,” says Hill. “One consists of a set of proscriptions concerning what behavior ought to occur. The other consists of what people actually do in concrete instances when overt behavior is observed. The two are in direct conflict in most every aspect of sex, marriage and family life.”
I miss you too Eric.
Having just recently jumped into the polyamory pool (more than theoretically, I mean) I just fought the “attachment” battle with myself at the Winter Solstice. Ended up being grateful to my lover for showing me a crack in my foundation. But damn, it was hard at the time. So hard. 28 hours of pure self-inflicted hell.
But when the weekend rolled around, we had Saturnalia over here in this little corner of the Bible Belt. :-}
i’m skeptical about polyamory. the couples i’ve known who are ‘polyamorous’ all ended up moving on to other monogamous relationships. maybe polyamory is the conduit out of a relationship – “i’m not ready to leave you yet but i’m gonna test out this other thing for a while and then decide if its better or worse than what i have. ” I know polyamory is not supposed to be about that, but that’s what i’ve seen. i’m guessing this comment will not be popular here. lol.
Jealousy being an emotion, and emotion is a sensation and sensation comes from memory. When jealousy strikes, it challenges everything you have believed about yourself, relationships, your culture, your environment, your society.
This one emotion is a combo of fear, envy, resentment, self-worthlessness, mistrust and more. Most of all, it challenges a very fundamental truth about humans that each human being is UNIQUE. When under attack of jealousy the thing that eats us the most is the comparison with another(others).
When one willingly and boldly takes the journey of trascending jealousy and successffully reaches the destination which is the death of all these emotions dies to all these emotions and in that sense it is an extention of death!!
“perhaps this new thing called polyamory is dangerous because it makes us face each other. We have to look straight within and be who we are, and see our partners for who they, in actual, fact truly are.”
I agree with the fact that we have to face and understand our needs, ourselves and the ones around us…but I also believe that there should be a next stage after acknowledging who we are: that is who we want to become. The simple fact of knowing ourselves ( which is arguable an act of wise awareness as self-inflicted illusion is a strong characteristic amongst humans ) is not enough. Beyond that raises the question: how can we improve ourselves and how can we progress? Here it comes the role of “limitations” and “rules”; ironically enough we need them in order to progress, because of our natural state which is inclined to selfishness and it is hardly even ethical. We need first to keep the “old rules” in a strict way in order to transcend them and accept and understand ourselves and the others on a different level of awareness. Freedom is first of all a burden, an obligation and in the same time a high responsibility; it requires hard work and the capacity to acknowledge and accept our limits and limitations. We can only have access to the freedom of being ourselves if we manage to overcome the illusion of libertinage.
..Jealousy is definitely a wake up experience. (Nothing hurts so good.) It’s real, for sure.. it’s not going anywhere.. (we don’t direct it,.. until we’ve come to experience it, then, we can choose to expand our feeling capacity.)
When it hits, it’s nasty. That stuff hurts..
In my efforts to work through jealousy, I’ve managed to isolate myself to the point of detachment,.. I think I overshot! I’m cool with everyone, and myself.. I’m just honestly bored with isolation. This, requires new tools, within society, personally, that I might be able to flow through folks, in a way that nurtures their being, and allows me to enjoy my trip on this Earth!
Uranus in Aries! Remember the last time? We had some WAR B.S. goin’ down! Lot’s of technology came to the surface, in a not so cool way. This time, we are transitioning through awareness,..
I So look forward to the new tech. we get in this new Uranus cycle.
JLO
We can’t “get rid” of jealousy — but we can take the journey. The problem with jealousy is not that it exists; it’s that we treat it like we don’t exist. [Sic: I meant, we treat it like it does not exist.] We don’t take it as a teacher. We don’t honor what it has to offer us, and so it ends up becoming an enemy or an insidious menace.
There is lots of energy contained in jealousy, and plenty of it is erotic. Right below the surface is some potent sexy energy, though we’re taught to avoid and evade rather than relate consciously. And jealousy veils so many other fears.
I suggest we think of jealousy in the context of compersion, and understand that it’s an extension of death. Many who read Planet Waves can comment on this, and I would love to hear from you.
EF
Jealousy is the F#@’er. Expectation, attachment,.. being so focused within one’s own reality that we can’t see that another could benefit through interaction with another… that our insecurity and loneliness can bring us to poor decisions.. Our whole world (built up through mental constructs instilled from birth), crumbling around,.. the fright, of every security methodology being exploited and dismantled. Realizing that we are wanting to explore this World, with anyone who is capable of exploration. And, Knowing ourselves to the point of How, and When it is appropriate to set ourselves up (with those who could advance the purer causality of our beings.)
Jealousy sucks! (My vote is to get rid of it, but that’s up to every individual realizing that every other individual, is an individual.) And that can be a hard row to hoe.
When the eternal voices stop nagging at the back of the head, it’s on!
Love
J
PS…i miss Brett Hill! What an amazing poly leader…long since moved onto other projects…
Of course there are coyotes in and around New Paltz!
And of course one can be monogamous without “owning” another person.
There are tons of coyotes in the Paltz, all over this valley actually. Owls too, and once last winter I spied a mountain lion, I bet there’s a lot more of them up top…
Who isn’t polyamorous; ok, I am not trying to label anyone here. But, I have been learning for the past 8 years or so that it seems to work better for many people. That is, once that give it a spin, talk about it, and let the so called freak flag fly high and proud.
There are coyotes in New Paltz?????????
Someone polyamorous? What?
YES! I’ll take all the validation I can get… Choosing the “print this article” option, hanging on think pad… The coyotes are howlin’ wild tonight, in harmony.