Dear Friend and Reader:
In an extraordinary step, the Masters of the Universe have canceled Sunday’s Aries New Moon. “It seems like a big deal to you, but it’s pretty much nothing for us. We took a look at the front page of The New York Times and thought the better of it,” said one of the Masters, who with his colleagues has presided over the Earth for the past 6,500 years.
“Frankly, it was a really bad idea to schedule this New Moon for right now,” the Master continued, speaking on the condition of anonymity. He said he had consulted his longtime personal astrologer, Flo Higgins of Rumson, N.J., before making the decision. He added, “We thought you would have some fun with it, but obviously not the way things are going now. What a mess.”
The potentially dangerous combination of influences involves a New Moon combined with the Jupiter-Saturn opposition, at the same time that Mars is exactly conjunct Uranus right on the Aries Point. “That’s just buggered, especially with those Japanese nuclear power plants and a few thousand tons of spent fuel still on the brink of turning to plutonium soup,” he added.
“Plus, Mercury is retrograde,” Flo Higgins said.
A spokesperson for ascended master Sanat Kumara, reached on the outskirts of Shamballa where he was recreating with the Lords of Karma, said yesterday that, “It would have been a fantastic opportunity if you guys had a faint clue how to hang loose. We’ve never seen people so freaked out, and this is the 14th time we’ve observed the evolution of humanity. I know you’re thinking, ‘the world is so messed up, how can I relax?’, but consider this. You’re not going to make any progress till you have your wits about you. Half of you don’t even know you’re alive.”
“New Moon called off. Party at my house,” tweeted Jonathan Cainer of York, England.
Sources close to the decision noted that currently there are a number of people on Earth who are trying to destroy the planet who would not have responded well to the New Moon, despite the fact that it was supposed to be conjunct Jupiter. The polarization of the Jupiter-Saturn opposition — the two largest planets opposite one another, with the Earth in the middle — plus Mars and Uranus lining up, was clearly a recipe for planetary psychosis.
Short on leads for this article, last night I went on a reporting mission to Club 55 on K Street in Washington, DC., looking for my friend Marvin, who is an energy lobbyist. The last time I was there, he gave me an earful about why we need to get rid of daylight savings time, just to waste more oil.
Before I could find Marvin, who I don’t really like anyway, a dancer I know named Tanya saw me as I came in through the door. She walked over and whispered in my ear, “Majeston.” Then she winked, kissed me on the cheek and strutted away, swaying her hips tantalizingly.
Of course! I knew he was a professor of astrology at the College of Uversa, a nonphysical academy that prepares souls to be astrologers as they pass through the 7th dimension. He said that during the past week he had assisted with the decision as a consultant and was familiar with the issues that were considered.
“We had to spring this on you fast, but actually, it fits with the astrology,” Majeston said. “With Mars conjunct Uranus, you know something a little different was going to happen on fairly short order. Doesn’t anybody actually read these charts?”
Majeston added that despite suspending the New Moon, normal evolutionary processes would continue at least through June 2012, when the Masters would assess whether anyone was getting the benefits of the current planetary alignments. “We thought you would all be having a lot more fun by now. We thought you would get bored of people who spend all their time trying to jerk you around with fear,” he added. “In short, we were pretty sure that by now most of you would have a clue.”
“Seems like the only place anyone knows how to have a good time is in Madison, Wisconsin — or Thailand,” he added. I took notes feverishly as Majeston went on.
“Obviously you don’t get it. Anxiety is boring. We had no idea humans, in their infinite adaptability, would figure out a way to make it into a fascination. Let’s put it this way. It’s possible to get a flat tire while you’re on a road trip and have that be an interesting experience. Okay, that is creativity. But who would want a flat tire every day just for the fun of it? Or spend your whole life worrying about it? That is the basic state of humanity. You guys are a piece of work.”
He suggested that I contact Olooma, one of the Ancients of Days, for additional information. “He’s got time to talk to you. He just chills out all the time,” Majeston said.
I found Olooma in his usual spot in the 9th dimension, reclining next to his fountain of light surrounded by spectral divas. “Most humans are fitted with a version of the ego that’s full of bugs,” he said. “Just about everyone is using Version 6.3. That one was a disaster. We’re now up to 10.6 and that works a lot better. You should try it out. We’ve enhanced color sensitivity and music appreciation.” He added that the newer, upgraded egos are more sensitive to solar-lunar events and can feel the presence of Jupiter as something besides alcohol.
Yavanna, Queen of the Earth and Giver of Fruits, said that humanity’s struggle involved pleasure anxiety. “It’s blocking your intelligence,” she said. “I actually mean this. It’s sad how many of you are proud of how prissy you are, but it’s not doing a thing for you, except to keep you in a mental fog.” She said she hoped that the temporary respite from the intense astrology of the past two years would give people an opportunity mellow out for a few days.
“Play some music or have sex,” she added. “Man, I just don’t get it. You people love to waste your time on nothing when you could be consummating creative bliss with every waking hour.”
Astrologers Around the World React
Tracy Delaney, programmer of the Serennu.com website, discovered that to “cancel” the New Moon, the Moon would station retrograde shortly before the planned conjunction to the Sun. In order to do that, however, the Moon would have to be declared void-of-course from August 2001 through January 2016, “which explains a lot,” she said.
Doing the calculations for the extremely rare lunar retrograde this week, she went through three quarts of vodka, eight pots of coffee, two laptops and a box of stress balls.
“It was ugly, and it took a while” she said, brushing her hair out of her face, “but I sodding figured it out. Actually my daughter Alys did when she made a joke about Black Moon Lilith, and that cracked the formula.”
According to The Wall Street Journal, programmers at Time Cycles Research were furious at the decision because it meant their software would be inaccurate. They responded by stripping all the asteroids out of their newest edition.
At Astrolabe, publishers of Solar Fire, frenzied telephone operators handled hundreds of panicked inquiries from confused customers, many of whom asked if this involved the new 13th sign.
Despite the obvious logic of canceling the Aries New Moon, many Earthly astrologers were confounded by the decision.
“That’s gonna be a little weird,” said Adonis Moonchild of Goddess Girl astrology in Phoenix, who is a voracious columnist for StarIQ and huge fan of Jeff Jawer. “There hasn’t been a lunar retrograde since 11 ice ages ago, but I guess they have to do what they have to do. But I don’t think it’s a good idea. It was havoc for the trilobites.”
Richard Noelle, one of the world’s most talented astrologers, said, “This goes to show that horoscope columns are pure garbage.”
Reached by satellite phone in Mesopotamia, Chris Brennan, who is bravely leading an expedition of thousands of bright young astrologers into the Dark Ages, said that he did not want to interpret the chart until he had calculated the time lords, which would take until August.
Asteroid specialist Martha Lang-Wescott, the wisest astrologer in all of Montana, said, “The gods are perverse. I told you.” She then went back to teaching her dog, Cady, how to read.
“What’s wrong with a little New Moon in Aries, opposite Saturn? It’s just gonna mess up a bunch of other stuff,” said David Roell of the Astrology Center bookstore. “Fiji, Syria, Timor, whatever. If you write a book about it we’ll be happy to stock it.”
“You’re kidding me, right?” said Michael Lutin of Park Avenue.
Psychological astrologers were debating the issue vigorously. Violating the laws of space and time, a special retroactive session was called for UAC 2008, which met in a packed room on Monday. Before an audience stuffed with students of Kepler College, the all-star discussion panel consisted of Liz Green, Melanie Reinhart, Howard Sasportas, Dane Rudhyar and Dr. Marc Edmund Jones. It was moderated by Isabel Hickey, who presided with a riding crop.
Emerging from the meeting, Green inaudibly whispered the following statement: “There are no shortcuts to self-knowledge. Even if the New Moon is canceled, the shadow material represented by retrograde Saturn in Libra must still be addressed.”
Later that day, I found Richard Tarnas out in the lobby and asked him what he thought. “Subtracting the Aries New Moon is like the archetype of the empty self. It fits the modern zeitgeist perfectly,” he said, adding that he would cover this in his next book, which comes out in 2025. “We’re in the midst of quadrature alignment of Uranus and Pluto but it’s awfully quiet. It feels like Christmas morning but only the mice are awake,” he said.
Jose Arguelles was available for a conversation over peyote buttons spiced with cannabis indica. “From my new perspective on the Other Side, I can tell you that time has actually run out. You people have already gone over the edge, into the void. That’s why everything seems so crazy. Your fragile logic of time has fallen apart. You must step out of time and you’ll be happier.”
In Truth, Coyote Stole the Moon
Intergalactic astrologer, modern day shaman and top-secret consultant Philip Sedgwick noted that the Masters of the Universe who claim to have made this decision had only been in charge for 6,500 years, which suggested a bias toward Judeo-Christian thinking.
“Coyote stole the New Moon,” he said in a phone interview Thursday.
“I became concerned when I went into the backyard to check my sundial on the first 90-degree day of the year, and I noticed that it was off kilter. I thought it had to do with the pole displacement due to the quakes. But it seems that time has been reset, not that the New Moon has been canceled.”
“I’m even more worried about the New Moon in Taurus a month from now when we have seven planets in Aries counting Eris, of course. According to the Northwest Indians, Raven will steal the Sun. So people will be totally in the dark, as usual.”
“That’s a good thing,” said Emma Langley, a receptionist at the local eye doctor, commenting reluctantly. “I’m a very non-controversial person. I like my life that way, no matter what the Masters of the Universe think.”
Yours & truly,
Amidst Retrogrades, Planetary Action Heats Up
April 1, 2011 Northampton, MA (AP) — Following close on the heels of recent rolling revolutions in many of Earth’s countries — thought by most astrologers to have been sparked by Uranus aspects — the next wave of the ‘Twitter revolution’ phenomenon went cosmic.
As soon as the Masters of the Universe decided to pull the April 3 New Moon, planetary tweets, including posts from planets orbiting other stars throughout the galaxy, began coming in at such high volumes that Twitter’s servers actually crashed. One source, speaking on the condition of anonymity, suggested the white-hat hacker group Anonymous might have been responsible for the crash. However, the official word from Twitter is that since the tweets from beyond our solar system took many hundreds of thousands of light years to get to Earth’s Internet, it is likely a simple case of a non-compatibility issue caused by grossly outdated formatting.
Tweets posted before the crash, however, indicate another factor: Mercury’s latest move to retrograde motion. Now that everyone can know anyone’s whereabouts and status in a blink of an eye instead of an aeon, we’re seeing trends move faster. Even non-retrograding bodies like the Moon, suddenly released from her duties on Sunday, have decided to join initially-reluctant Mercury in the revolt against direct linear motion. What follows are some of the tweets caught before the server crash.
Horoscope says should go #retrograde. Dunno if I feel like. Just did few months ago. Got soo wasted. OMG! Sooo not up for that again.
@Mercury: Hey, I’m going #retrograde too! MayB we can together? Go EZ this time.
@Mercury: Didn’t u go all #retrograde 4 the holidays? U crashed my #matchmaker site NYE!
@Luna: Moons can’t go #retrograde!
@Venus: Mind ur own business. I’m going. :p #Newmoon, so I’m doing something new. Get it?
@Venus: Moons can 2 #retrograde! Callisto & I do all da time.
@Titan. Heard that about u2. Here goes! Going #retrograde! Steady…. hold on now…
!drawkcab s’gnihtyrevE !ti did I ?anuL ,gnimoc u R
@Luna: u r such a follower!
@Eris: b nice! She just got dumped by Masters of Universe. Is confused & lonely
@Venus: whatev! I been waiting yrs for this party in #Aries. No one invites me to da others. Merc shows up, makes 1 pass, thinks he can try 2 more
@Mercury: u get as drunk as last time, I’ll deck u!
@Luna: have fun w.Merc. but don’t expect him to last long. Too quick! Then he sneaks out da back
@Eris: ouch. Harsh! U shld chill & try #retrograde
@Mercury: not now. Sun is coming thru #Aries. Omg — hottie!
@Titan: U & Callisto swing?
@Eris: no. try Pluto & Charon. They r wild & out there!
@Titan: hey now! No rumors pls. we thought we’d try retro 2gether this time
@Luna: how’s it working 4u? I’ve never tried b4. Am nervous!
@Mercury: .hsur-deah giB .yzzid mA !aohW
@Charon: .nuf tub drieW !ti 4 oG
@Luna: don’t close your eyes. Makes it worse!
— by Sean Springer and Amanda Painter
First ‘photos of Mercury’ in 30 years taken with Mercury retrograde
The first photos of Mercury distributed widely on the Internet were taken with Mercury retrograde, giving rise to speculation that they are really photos of somewhere else.
“They look like just about anyplace,” said astronomer Mike Brown of Caltech, who discovered Mercury. “You cannot conclusively say that’s Mercury. It’s the probable surface of something, a planet, an asteroid, maybe even Arizona. But to say it’s Mercury is speculative.”
Neil Armstrong was emailed the image Thursday. “This looks extremely familiar,” he said from his home in California. “I could swear I’ve seen this somewhere before.”
By Thursday night, speculation that the Mercury photos were a hoax was running wild on the Internet. “Look closely and you’ll see the shadows go in all directions,” said Sophia Coppola, reached at home in Palermo. “This is worse than the crap Kubrick did for Nixon with the Moon landing thing. I can’t believe anyone is falling for this. Look, there’s a Snicker’s wrapper on the lower left.”
But NASA officials were adamant that the photo originated with the $56 billion MESSENGER program they say arrived at Mercury this week, the first spacecraft to reach the innermost planet since Mariner 10 in the mid-1970s.
“That would be nice, but the whole thing was fried by solar flares,” said Martha Alexandra, a secretary at the space agency, who spoke on the condition of anonymity. “I mean, toasted. The decals on the outside of the ship are actually scorched. You can’t tell if it’s USA or USSR.”
“The Moon was in Pisces when the photos of Mercury appeared,” said Rob Hand, who was leading a tour of the Nile Valley with his cousin Barbara Hand Clow. “Clearly, this is a work of cinema.”
Weekly Horoscope for Friday, April 1, 2011, #854 – BY ERIC FRANCIS
Aries (March 20-April 19) — Saturday’s New Moon in your birth sign may offer you some shocking insights into who you are. You knew you were bold; did you have any idea you were this bold, or this assertive about something that might ordinarily sap your confidence or be something you might not usually express? The idea is to make the most of the breakthrough, and to consider it a doorway rather than a passing experience. I also suggest you stay grounded in your feelings. You may find that challenging, because the way the planets are set up you may have the sensation of a strong ego presence, but if you sense a bit more deeply, a kind of dry sensation. Therefore, stay wet. Drink water, take baths and don’t let all the fire and heat boil off your subtle inner presence. Your true emotions may seem to take you by storm at odd moments.
Taurus (April 19-May 20) — The complexity of the moment includes the sense that you are on the cusp of some huge leap, and that the story of your life has the potential to take any turn. At the same time you may find yourself seized by moments of a false lack of confidence and even panic attacks. Therefore, any time you’re feeling like you lack the guts to dare, I suggest you question that. Look directly at your fears, and figure out where they come from. If you think life is a conspiracy of some kind, remember that it can just as easily be a conspiracy that works for you as much as against you. Therefore I suggest you do what you can to foster cooperation, and as you make up the story of your life, embed plot elements about how people you may not even know are assisting you behind the scenes. As Lou Reed said, you can’t count on the worst always happening. In fact it rarely does, leaving plenty of room for everything else.
Gemini (May 20-June 21) — Episodes of confusion or mild chaos will provide you with wide openings to define yourself and understand your purpose in a new way. Therefore, when you get to the point where you don’t understand something, or where disorder seems to prevail, that is where you become the one who can apply purpose and direction. This will remind you how different from your friends you can be, and how different they can be from you, yet the result of the relationship is still productive. One of the prevailing themes of the forthcoming Mercury retrograde is remembering that who you are is not only flexible; it’s changing constantly in subtle ways. This is precisely why you can handle diversity better than many people you know; your encounters with others are a means of experimentation. There’s no requirement to commit yourself to any point of view other than awareness and responding appropriately from moment to moment.
Cancer (June 21-July 22) — This is a time to make significant, even astounding strides in your professional life, though you may not notice the results right away. What you will notice is the feeling of something truly interesting happening. The planets suggest that this is the time to push the limits of what you thought you were capable of, as well as the limits of appropriateness. If astrology means anything at all, the implication of the current alignment is that you are so free to be whatever you imagine that you can barely describe the potential. But the potential exists and it’s fully energized now. Allow yourself those moments of taking chances with being fully authentic. Give yourself permission to do what you think of as your ‘real work’, and by that, I mean expressing your true calling and deepest mission, no matter how outrageous you might think it is.
Leo (July 22-Aug. 23) — The image in your chart is a crack in the sky opening up and a whole new dimension being not only available but obviously so. At the least you have an opportunity to see far into the future, and to look at the current circumstances of your life and of the world in a way that transcends all of the insanity developing in the short term. There is freedom in this, and there is the gift of being able to solve problems from a ‘higher’ level of reality, which tends to make them seem much simpler. Think of it this way. You can measure the area of a room by counting how many times you can lay down a 12″ x 12″ tile, or you can measure and do the math. Only now apply this to your perception of yourself and what role you’re playing in the rather meaningful global drama that is unfolding. You possess solutions to problems that have not even been identified yet. Don’t worry if you have no idea where they come from.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sep. 22) — You have some amazing new opportunities opening up, but to take advantage of them will require trust on a level that you may have experienced only at rare moments of your life. Remember that all trust is trust in yourself; the reason is that no matter where or in whom or what circumstances you may invest it, you have to trust your decision to do so. So it all comes back to you. If people are offering you opportunities that seem way outside what you have ever considered possible, you’re going to need confidence in order to make the most of them. Despite the startlingly quick turns of developments, I suggest you consider the next few weeks a test phase. You don’t need to make ‘final’ commitments about the future — only about what you’re willing to explore right now. Therefore, you can go in as deeply as you want, remembering that everything is an experiment.
Libra (Sep. 22-Oct. 23) — It’s a good thing you handle intensity well, though you can admit it to yourself if you’re being pushed past your limits. These would include the sensation of feeling overwhelmed, or if you’re burning out from expressing such a high level of sensitivity. It’s true that full awareness is your best friend right now, and that includes using that information to manage your environment in ways that matter. Make sure you leave enough energy and resiliency to handle the surprises that others seem to be springing on you fairly regularly — some of them are going to be worth going with. If you think this is all some kind of conspiracy to get you out of the past and into the wild world of the present moment, you’re right. If you encounter boring or staid tendencies in yourself, figure out which parent gave you that particular quality, put it in an envelope and mail it back to them.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 22) — If you cannot accomplish something by one method, you can definitely accomplish it by another. For example, if you cannot change another person, it’s absolutely certain you can change yourself. I don’t mean to accommodate who someone else is — I mean to accommodate who you are. Said another way, if you cannot change your circumstances (which I doubt), you can change how you respond to them (and that will clue you in to where change is not only possible but inevitable). That said, for the next few days I suggest you proceed cautiously. Don’t push your health. Drive the speed limit, and particularly when traveling, do so with your mind rested and alert. Focus on basic self-care. Your best ideas and breakthroughs will manifest where you leave a clear space. In moments when you don’t feel like you’re getting anything done, do less rather than more and you will make some brilliant, efficient moves.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 22) — Your world is more lavish than you know. Your ideas are better than you ever imagined. That the circumstances around you seem reticent to change doesn’t matter. If you have this idea that the best of what you have to offer is not being accepted by the world, you can safely ignore that as some form of misinformation. You are making a place for yourself: a one- of-a-kind place for your truly unique offerings. You can afford to be patient where outer results are concerned — and as bold as you care to be on the level of your creative process. This is a truly meaningful time to experiment with your sexuality, remembering that some of the best opportunities show up unexpectedly and are not subject to planning. Make sure you attend to the basics to take care of yourself, then proceed with confidence.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 20) — The world is inviting you to open up, yet you seem to be persisting in some kind of retreat. What are you feeling insecure about? The more you dig in, the more imposing the potential in front of you will feel. Even if you resist a little less, you will feel considerably safer. Most of what you’re experiencing is an energy differential — the world is changing fast, and this may translate to either some directly personal circumstances changing, or your sense that global events are more than you’re equipped to handle. To the extent that you experience any of this as destabilizing, it’s mostly an illusion created by a pressure buildup in your emotional body. If you let off some of that pressure, the world will seem less overwhelming. The more of that tension you hold, the more imposing events will seem. Therefore, find a way to blow off some steam and you will feel grounded and safe.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 19) — Your mind needs some room to breathe. You may feel overwhelmed, and like you have more on your plate than you can handle. The beauty of the moment is not how much you can get done (which is plenty), but how well you apply yourself to one particular idea. The key is having faith in yourself, or rather, that is what you’re learning. In order to use your mind to its best potential, create some space in there. Pause before you begin anything and ask yourself the best approach. There will be an easier, better way to go about it. Then apply the same method to the bigger puzzles that present themselves to you. In fact this is the time to contemplate solutions to your most perplexing problems and to work out your most ambitious plans. If you relax your mind just a little, nothing is impenetrable.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20) — You have options. That’s one thing to remember — it’s the beauty of the moment. You have resources, and you’re much more self-sufficient than you think. That’s a great position to be in, and at the moment you’re free to experiment with the idea. There’s freedom in self-awareness, and that freedom includes access to your vast inner stores of initiative, energy and creativity. You have plenty to share but you’re under no obligation to do so. Yet of all the opportunities presented to you by the genuinely unique and positive astrology of the moment is the chance to take the inner territory of feeling good about your existence: that is, recognizing who you are and what you’ve accomplished. Yes, we are in a dangerous time in history. In the immortal words of Hunter Thompson, when the going gets weird, the weird turn pro.