The Universe Spoke — And it Was Kinky

Discovering I belong here. Including the part I had overlooked.

by Rob Moore

As I strapped on that masterful studded leather belt, I knew I was headed for yet another transformative experience. I was discovering the power of extending my intentions to all that accompanied me on my journeys. That dark pit sex club was no exception and I now sought a more expansive experience.

What I wasn’t imagining was that I might not strap on that leather gear again anytime in the foreseeable future.

Self-portrait by Rob Moore

Self-portrait by Rob Moore

You see, for decades I had been deeply unhappy with a career that veered off course and landed me at a computer designing Mickey Mouse t-shirts. I tried numerous ventures to get my life on track but nothing would budge. I knew I did not belong there. But I couldn’t find that doorway to freedom to save my life.

Or at least not my colon. After holding my unhappiness down for so long, Mickey finally gnawed a hole in me. A prolonged struggle with ulcerative colitis ended with the removal of my large intestines in 2011.

Prior to that time I walked into every club half naked. Now an external colostomy bag mars those once-flawless abs. Overcoming this physical abnormality has proven the biggest obstacle of my life.

Years of being ill kept physical intimacy out of the picture. I tried to leave it that way and just focus on other ambitions. The fibers of my being, however, wouldn’t have it. Sex is a vital part of the picture for me. And not just any sex, either.

At age twelve I saw a TV show about BDSM and knew right then I was heading in that direction. But my sexual experience was slow to arrive. I was in my mid-twenties when I fully accepted that my attraction meter pointed undeniably toward other men. It was my first Saturn return as I pushed thirty that I finally experienced the fantasies I’d played out all those years. Had those chains not been so jarringly cold, I might never have believed I was at last being bound up by a guy who would do as he pleased with me.

Though much of my early life was spent carving a path to a rougher brand of sex, I must tell you that I also love loving — I mean genuinely loving — every inch of someone. I love when simply who they are makes me want to run my tongue over every inch of them and absolutely drink them in.

Squish these seemingly incompatible approaches together and you’ve got my idea of the best possible sex ever. But it often seems I’m the only one on Earth who sees things as I do. And that makes it tempting to think maybe I don’t belong here. At all.

What comes to the rescue is something else I’ve been searching for my whole life: an abiding connection with all that is beyond this physical plane. Certainly meditation has always been deeply peaceful and clarifying. But as soon as I’m in the car behind some fucker texting under a green light, any shred of peace is hurled out the window.

I’m recognizing, though, that offering my intentions to all that is present and working on my behalf is actually yielding physical world results. This is introducing me to a security I never knew before, one that permeates whatever emotions are coursing through this human body.

One of the first points that stood out to me during my study of A Course In Miracles is, “nothing means what I think it means.” Nothing at all. Including my fetish interests. That’s why I hardly questioned why my meditative inquiries began pointing me to one of the sleaziest sex clubs around. I definitely wanted to explore this rough and risky scene. And tapping into this during meditation suggested there was more involved than my brain could calculate.

Indeed, my meetings in this ‘sex for the sake of sex’ setting were frequently the essence of miracles. I would encounter guys who just wanted to be held. Some approached with harmful intent but altered their course as our energy intermixed.

I found that by connecting with higher sources before I delved into these dark corners created a ‘cone of safety’ of sorts. Oh, but the different corners I turned when not in full connection with light and higher vibes. I have fallen into periods of great disconnectedness following trips on the rug of my belief system.

After my last painful separation, I returned to meditating. I perceived a man in a cowboy hat who kept trying to tell me something. As months wore on, he became clearly aggravated at my inability to perceive his words.

Though free from alcohol since 1989, I had held on to my real addiction: smoking tobacco. It was successfully related to me that upon ending this addiction, I would begin to perceive the cowboy audibly. I enthusiastically quit and he started talking. And how.

Simultaneously, unsettling (albeit intriguing) sexually charged meditative visuals had begun streaming in. Because of my concern that I had turned an unsavory corner, this was one of the very first things addressed by the cowboy:

“I have seen that you have held a keen interest in the things of this world which are to most an abomination and that’s okay and part of your path. What you need to do with this is to create a safe place in order to absorb these various insights or inputs. Just because an insight reaches your head, you cannot be so sure if it is the exact format you need at this time.”

“Looking within, you shall see that there is no escape from what you desire. You need only allow it to be. Just keep yourself ever-mindful of all that you are and allow all others to be their allness as well.”

The intense stream of perceptions dissipated after 2007. I then sat with it all for years trying to figure out what I was supposed to do next. That cowboy made so many lofty declarations that were simply not reflected in my circumstances:

Know that you are all and that eliminates the confusion that might otherwise result. You have the power you need, the strength you need, the resources you need. Therefore, you have all.

All I could think was, “I do?? But how???” But time and again all things I perceive via higher consciousness prove valuable and spot-on, no matter how long it takes them to become clear. Though I got fleeting glimpses prior, it was early in 2014 that the revelations started avalanching.

Also from A Course In Miracles, “As you perceive the holy companions who travel with you, you will realize that there is no journey, but only an awakening.” In 2014 two more audible companions made themselves known. Their assistance was far more applicable to my Earthly needs and soon all that 2007 stuff started coming into focus.

Even all those heavy, sex-charged perceptions started playing out every weekend while surrounded by leather guys and wearing a colostomy bag. Things I never thought I’d experience were happening. And as my experiences escalated, I found myself standing before an opportunity to enter a 24/7 BDSM household, something I had only dreamt about.

When I presented the possibility to my holy companions, I was encouraged to go for it and told this would be as good as it would ever get with this type of arrangement. I figured I would get support but didn’t expect such a powerful endorsement.

So I proceeded with things. But the ‘master’ of the house rapidly showed himself to be the exact kind of arrogant, unfeeling ass that typically occupies these positions. I read over my channeled notes from my holy companions. “This is as good as it gets” was all I could see. Then I noticed another line further down, “Do know, however, that our relationship will not endure this.”

With that, it all became clear. I realized I would much rather be at peace in my own surroundings accessing words of support and empowerment than delve into a pool of selfishness and sexual agitation that promises but rarely delivers.

It was in that moment that I decided to choose ‘God’ over sex. But the choices didn’t end there. Inspired by creative pursuits, I’ve had a need to interact with those in my fetish scene on a level beyond sex. I’ve had great trouble finding another level with them. And from all appearances, they don’t want another one.

This community welcomed me so long ago and showed me those ropes I’d dreamt of. I felt like I belonged. Now I don’t. In the past I would’ve shrunk down and asked, “Why?” But not now. After hobnobbing with those holy companions, I’m inclined to ask, “Ok, then, where do I belong?” Well, right here this instant, I belong here sharing these words. With you.

Rob Moore is a creative professional and published author whose keen interest in life’s dualities has led to an appreciation of the spectrum of possibilities available to us. Striving to make the conversation accessible to all who are interested, Rob‘s creative work, writing and podcast can be found at r0b1.com

12 Responses to The Universe Spoke — And it Was Kinky

  1. Carol says:

    Thank you, Rob, for such a powerful and profound article. You achieved something I’ve rarely seen on these pages (as fascinating and helpful as I’ve found them to be): You brought in the spiritual (not religious — spiritual) component of your sexuality — how it’s been experienced and expressed to date, and what you’ve learned from those experiences so far. You clearly have heard from, and listened to, your guides (who, when they truly are high-level guides like yours, do not judge our sexual identities or particular needs but, rather, give us honest input and direction). Whether or not you ever discover where you “belong” in this particular life, I suspect you will become a regular source of wisdom, comfort, and mentoring to other explorers and seekers — regardless of their sexual identification/needs/interests. I salute you.

    • Rob Moore says:

      This was the first comment I responded to over on the main page so I wanted to bring my appreciation to the source here so it wasn’t missed:

      I really appreciate your supportive comments, Carol. It has indeed been a house of mirrors finding my place and my answers. I am glad to say, though, that much has started clicking in recent times, thanks in no small part to Eric and this community.

      Again, sooooo good to receive your feedback =]
      Rob

  2. Liz says:

    “Certainly meditation has always been deeply peaceful and clarifying. But as soon as I’m in the car behind some fucker texting under a green light, any shred of peace is hurled out the window.” Ha ha ! Yes! I live in a city where people park where they please – and some years ago, going home after a particularly wonderful meditation session I attacked a car parked on a zebra crossing with my key…
    Thank you for this wonderful piece, Robert. Apart from attacking cars wth keys – deep meditation practice put me in contact with my darker self – with the evil spirits and demons lurking inside me – and I gradually nderstood that we can0t truly know the light until we’ve come to know and accept our darker selves.
    I so admire your great courage and generous spirit – you are truly what they call a spiritual warrior!

  3. Liz says:

    PS Just want to clarify that “evil spirits and demons” refer to the long-buried fears and traumas that emerged – which often manifested themselves in this way forme – in what turned out to be a really shamanistic journey at times.
    (and talking of warriors – you look like a kinky Roman warrior in your gear, Rob)!

    • Rob Moore says:

      Thank you for your post, Liz. It is encouraging to me when others see the value of “the dark” to realizing what we equate as the light. Also encouraging when others can see past the kinky Roman garb to what’s happening beyond it.
      =] Rob

  4. Jenny says:

    Thankyou for your heartfelt sharing. Have you considered becoming a Sexologist? I ask because I have a friend who qualified a few years ago, I attended a meeting she was invited to speak at. I was struck by the humanity and groundedness she brought to the Discussion. In any event, please keep writing. NMRK

  5. Jim says:

    Rob, You channel –

    “I have seen that you have held a keen interest in the things of this world which are to most an abomination and that’s okay and part of your path. What you need to do with this is to create a safe place in order to absorb these various insights or inputs. Just because an insight reaches your head, you cannot be so sure if it is the exact format you need at this time.”

    “Looking within, you shall see that there is no escape from what you desire. You need only allow it to be. Just keep yourself ever-mindful of all that you are and allow all others to be their allness as well.” –

    The darkness and the light hold the same appeal and the same fear. We cannot see either. The light is too bright and the dark is too black. Both are equally attractive and terrifying. Both are worthy expressions. Both are sacred. I don’t have an answer to this dilemma but it seems like speaking freely about what is my attraction, without regard for what should be, has some power. I know that the Source of my being adores me, and so do you. There is the beauty.

  6. Patricia says:

    Thank you so much Robert for sharing your journey with such heart and presence. You have found your deepest Self and that’s the only place any of us can feel at home and like we belong. Your sincere desire to penetrate the unknown, pierced through my ideas of what to expect from the title and picture. What spoke to me was the “offering of your intentions to all that is present and working on my behalf…. which yielded actual physical world results…. the security never known before….

    As you go on from there to describe your meditative meetings with spiritual assistants, the energy of what you wrote started coursing through my body in recognition that this is all what I have and am experiencing in my life – the most important part being the LISTENING and ACTING from this guidance. Such a beautifully written piece. Thank you again Robert for this gift and thank you Eric for giving us access to it.

    • Rob Moore says:

      Your feedback here, Patricia, likewise speaks to me… “through me”, even, to borrow from your words. It has truly been a phenomenon in my life coming to sense and experience all that is literally working on my behalf. It is an almost inexplicable meeting of all the senses at once and even beyond. And upon finding this scared portal after a lifetime of dedicated searching, at long last things that have stood motionless have begun to move. Notably. Tangibly. Your words give me the impression you’ve come in similar contact. Thank you for your thoughts here. – Rob

      • Patricia says:

        Just say that you responded to my comment and yes, I’ve had similar contact with those who work on my behalf. It has changed my life to completely rely on that help to move me thru life. It so much simpler to live that way.

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