It wasn’t swamp gas after all:
Another Freaky Conspiracy Theory Turns Out to be True
Dear Friend and Reader:
Friday afternoon while I was recording Planet Waves FM, a “Breaking News” email floated into my inbox from Politico. This was during a song break so I had time to give it a look. Here is the subject header:
BREAKING NEWS: Government report: UFOs are real
I blinked a few times, like you’re supposed to when you see such an email.
Wow, just like that, on an ordinary Friday in June, like any other. UFOs are real; of all things. How about that.
I wonder what else is true. Those nut jobs were right all along? Not long ago you were a mentally deranged crackpot (in a ‘tin foil hat’) if you believed in UFOs, and if you had proof the MIBs might come collect it, or you. Now they have the Uncle Sam Seal of Approval.
Hey guys, I have a question, now you can tell me — did the Moon landings happen?
So anyway, finally a little good news for a change.
Plenty of people have been praying for these geeks to show up and get us out of the shit we’re in. Thing is, the government is admitting only to flying saucers, not to little green men. Are these flying things, um, on autopilot? Autonomous interplanetary vehicles? Or maybe they’re drones from B+H, or something. Whatevs. It’s all good.
That’s some real news: the intelligence community was struggling to understand UFOs? Who knew? They’re all supposed to be weather balloons, the Goodyear blimp or cloud formations. The U.S. government always has a simple, satisfying explanation. Why didn’t they just ask the guys over at Area 51?
Here is the first paragraph of the article, in case you’re curious how a major news organization would open up the story of the first-ever actual official public UFO disclosure to Congress in history. (‘Disclosure’ is a term from UFOlogy. It means the government tells the truth.) We’ve all been waiting for this, especially here in upstate New York, where the book Communion takes place (specifically in Accord, about 25 minutes from my desk if you take it slow and look at the scenery and don’t get abducted).
That’s some real news: the intelligence community was struggling to understand UFOs?
Who knew? They’re all supposed to be weather balloons, the Goodyear blimp, swamp gas or cloud formations. The U.S. government always has a simple, satisfying explanation. Why didn’t they just ask the guys over at Area 51? They know stuff.
Hey! I have a question! Did anyone ask Jeff Bezos or Elon Musk? They’re big on space ships.
And another: what does virtually all mean?
Like, two of them were kites, one was a flock of geese, one was Billy’s Science Fair project and the other 140 were actual UFOs, which are now admitted to in fact be unidentified?
Here is some more detail, verbatim from Politico:
Who or what is operating them? What do they mean, Uber? Or more like your Delta flight operated by United? That always makes me have an anxiety attack because I wonder what carousel my case of pickled herring is going to end up on.
The plot thickens. They don’t mark a technological breakthrough by a foreign adversary. So it’s not Cuba, Afghanistan, Iran, Yemen, Vietnam, Cambodia, El Salvador, Nicaragua, Costa Rica, Key West or Grenada. That narrows it down a little.
Defying the known characteristics of aerodynamics?
Oh, that’s the part about those jalopies turning at right angles, going from zero to warp factor three in negative one second and possibly even disappearing underwater for a while before vanishing into the stratosphere without a sound.
Then there’s the threat to national security. That sounds really important. Maybe it’s the whole point of the article, or rather, the press release it’s based on. Now that we have defeated the Nazis, the terrorists, drugs, poverty, cancer and Covid, we have a new enemy! Are you excited? The War on UFOs! We can go back to wearing masks, or rather, wet towels on our faces, like in Orson Welles’ War of the Worlds.
Here’s another paragraph. I am savoring this. It’s too good to rush. I could get right to the point and say that The New York Times left it off of page one (heck even an article about me made it onto the front page).
The Pentagon has limited resources and needed a little help. From some spymasters.
The plot thickens. They don’t mark a technological breakthrough by a foreign adversary. So it’s not Cuba, Afghanistan, Iran, Yemen, Vietnam, Cambodia, El Salvador, Nicaragua, Costa Rica, Key West or Grenada. That narrows it down a little. Maybe it’s one of our friends — like Russia, or maybe China. The Japanese are pretty clever. It had to be them. No wait, it was Australia. Who the hell knows what those freaks are doing way down there by Antarctica?
However, the government says, there’s no evidence the objects are extraterrestrial. Is that supposed to be reassuring? Little kids everywhere are asking, WTF, UFOs don’t come from another planet? Are you serious? ET is from Brisbane?
So let’s sum up. They’re admitting UFOs exist but claiming they don’t know where they come from but so far as we know, there’s no proof they’re from another planet, star system, etc. What, are they expecting to see license plates from the Andromeda Galaxy? Or to catch them as they drive through E-ZPass without a tag, and then the Tolls By Mail bill gets sent to Vega?
How much is postage? Can you use a Forever stamp?
This is a typical kind of posturing of the U.S. government, which (in fact) has special writing classes for people like CIA officers, so they know how to compose memos like this. They all have to write the same way, which reminds me of someone tying their shoes whilst standing on their head. Wearing mittens.
But hey, UFOs are officially real. Now you know.
Stay tuned for the next episode, it’s gonna be a good one.