An Open Letter of Apology to Anthony Fauci

A renowned investigative reporter offers his sincere apology to America’s most important and most qualified doctor.

Kingston, N.Y., Friday, April 1, 2022

Dear Dr. Fauci:

Please allow me to introduce myself. I am probably your distant genetic cousin from back in the old country, and I consider you my Godfather. My proper Sicilian name is Enriqué Francesco Giovanni Coppolino.

We share many of the same interests, including public health. In fact I earned the Public Health merit badge in Boy Scouts, which I think legitimately establishes my interest as a young person.

I wanted to be a doctor when I grew up, but like I read in your autobiography, I also flunked biology. Then after a failed career as a fromageur, I somehow ended up a “journalist.” Anyway, you are a busy man, so I will get right to the point.

I want to apologize for being so annoying the past two years, and for making your life so difficult. I have openly questioned many things you said, and made a big deal out of the one thing that I agreed with you on, but then you changed your mind about that, and I made a big deal about that too, pretty much nonstop.

This is the ultimate misstep for a Sicilian — to publicly question what The Godfather says. Did I cause this whole war? I admit I am not a serious investigative reporter. Think of me as a little kid who opens his mouth and asks questions he doesn’t really understand.

When I was a small child, my hero Richard Nixon was making a speech on TV and I asked, “Mommy, is the president telling the truth?”

Maybe I was confused, but I thought back in 2020 you were saying that masks are not helpful. The last time they were used publicly was during the Spanish Flu, when Woodrow Wilson was president. So they are old technology, which you can see because all the nurses in the photos look like Florence Nightingale or Clara Barton, and New York City cops look like muppets with ridiculous hats and gauze masks on their faces. What a joke.

We had the next 100 years to verify if masks really worked, and you assured us they did not, which I thought was your personal experience talking. So I told everyone, over and over again. Anthony Fauci said so! On 60 Minutes! Follow the science! Follow the science! Masks don’t work!

Then the sold-out, lamestream, corporate-controlled media said you changed your mind. I thought they were doing it to make you look bad.

Like you, I am a liberal conservative, and I know what those woke fools do to make us seem like we are crackpots. I thought they were trying to make a fool out of you. My pride was hurt. I almost ran out to get them one night at 3 am, to protect your honor, but I didn’t want to be the guy who brings a pencil to a gunfight.

Personally, I believed the original Uncle Tony, not the revised and updated one. I thought, the new you must be a deep fake. Then they said you said to wear two masks, and I thought you were sending me a secret signal that you were kidding. Fugetaboutit — masks are a joke! Wear a bra cup over your face! I was expecting you to say wear three or four, which in fact I actually saw some people doing.

Speaking of Spanish Flu, back in 2008, you wrote in The Journal of Infectious Diseases that it was not really the “flu virus” that killed people during that terrible incident, one of the worst viruses ever.

You wrote, and I quote, sorry, “The postmortem samples we examined from people who died of influenza during 1918–1919 uniformly exhibited severe changes indicative of bacterial pneumonia.”

So it was bacteria after all. And you discovered it. I was so proud of you. And I kept making it seem like you were saying that the science was saying that we all had to worry about a virus, which is why we would need vaccines against one.

I also thought it was science when you wrote in the same peer-reviewed article, “Less substantial data from the subsequent 1957 and 1968 pandemics are consistent with these findings. If severe pandemic influenza is largely a problem of viral-bacterial copathogenesis, pandemic planning needs to go beyond addressing the viral cause alone.”

So it was dirty, disgusting bacteria all along. However, that leaves me wondering how all those kids survived the Woodstock festival.

But then, because I am nosy and rude, I found video of you on C-Span saying that we had to worry about the flu because it’s as bad as AIDS or cancer. Due to a virus. I should have just trusted you, but again, I made a big deal. Maybe I don’t understand bacteria so good. Maybe bacteria is as bad as AIDS or cancer.

What do the focus groups say?

There is one other small thing. I know you’re not in the CDC department, but I want you to know something — they have it in for you. They have published data saying that 26,059 people have died from your vaccine. They claim that 143,554 people have been put into the hospital from your vaccine. They say there are 1,195,934 total adverse medical events from the covid vaccine. Cazzo Madre di Dio, che stronzate.

Then, to make matters worse, they say that you have to multiply those numbers by 41 to get the actual figure. Harvard Medical School claims you have to multiply CDC statistics by 100 due to under-reporting. Quei bastardi bugiardi! What wishful thinking.

Uncle Tony, my don, my Godfather: we must go to the mattresses and fight. We cannot stand for this. It is an outrage, and I am ready to defend your honor.

Just tell me what to do. I am done making up my own mind.

Thank you for your integrity and all your hard work in these years. You deserve to be retired, floating around on a yacht, with absolutely no responsibilities. I hope you get to do that soon.

With love and omertà,

Enriqué Francesco Giovanni Coppolino
From Brooklyn, just like you.