Dear Friend and Reader:
Attorney General William Barr is keeping the Mueller report on Russian election interference under wraps — for a good reason.
Planet Waves has obtained a copy of the 773-page document, which details Pres. Donald Trump’s involvement with foreign interference in the 2016 election.
The interference in the election was indeed foreign, and Trump was directly involved — but it was not the Russians who were the problem. In fact, in more than 100 contacts between the campaign, the transition team and the Kremlin, Russian officials were doing what little they could to help stop an alien takeover of our planet, the report says.
“The Russians acted valiantly to help save the Earth and the United States of America,” the report said in the introduction. “They were only helpful, and continue to be supportive to this day. They are doing what they can.”
One year into his investigation, Special Counsel Robert S. Mueller III determined that, “Though it may seem preposterous, Donald Trump only appears to be in human form. In fact, he is a native of Taphao Kaew, a planet orbiting the star 47 Ursae Majoris, 45 light years from Earth.”
“Who would have imagined?” Mueller asked during an exclusive Planet Waves interview. “The Big Dipper, of all places.”
Trump’s strange behavior, his lack of understanding of human affairs, and his peculiar orange hue, are related to the fact that he is of the species nogvuid, a life form originating on Taphao, and which has spread to a number of different galaxies, known as the Xuunkin Group, which includes the Milky Way. However, it was believed until now that the infestation was contained to the Perseus Arm, but apparently they are a lot closer.
“This is deeply troubling,” Mueller said in his first interview since being called to head the investigation. “We don’t know what to do about it. We cannot predict what will happen if we release this report to the public. So for now, the attorney general is keeping it under wraps. I don’t blame him.”
Mueller said that meetings of top government officials and scientists continued all week and through the weekend, in an effort to address the problem.
Scientists reached Saturday said that nogvuids are an extremely invasive species, worse than zebra mussels, cane toads and Asian long-horned beetles combined.
“Once they get onto a planet, it’s difficult to get rid of them,” said one specialist at the Goddard Space Center in Maryland, who spoke on the condition of anonymity. “You can think of them as the small Indian mongoose on crank,” he said, his voice quivering.
“I would rather have toenail fungus,” he added, laughing nervously. “I’m sorry. I know this isn’t really funny.”
Proliferation of the internet between 1991 and 2016 provided a way to “soften up” the planet to allow the invasion. Apparently, Twitter is also a product of Taphao, which explains why we can’t get rid of it, and why Trump has not had his account canceled.
“They’re very biased toward their own kind,” said an exobiologist at the University of Colorado. “And they really have it in for Mexicans. Talk about old family business. That goes back three billion years,” he said, to the time right after the formation of the Earth.
Specialists at the McLuhan Institute said they were aware that the internet is an alien life form, sometimes known as Aquarion, which propagated through the world’s telecommunication systems. But they were not aware that it was from Tapho, which rivals the Japanese for their persistent electronic products.
“That’s the thing,” it’s found its way into every home, said Jim Windham McLuhan, one of the leading researchers for the institute, who specializes in handling all the weird shit.
“I wish we knew it was from Taphao Kaew,” he said, adding, “It all started with the telegraph. That was their first foothold. They took that idea and turned it into Twitter. This has happened on other planets.”
Not everyone was so pessimistic. Senator Mitch McConnell (R-Kentucky) said, “We rather like the nogvuids. They have similar protoplasm as we do,” he said, apparently referring to his own species, which has not yet been determined.
And Donald Trump was exuberant. “The illusion of collusion was a delusion,” he said to reporters while he was scooting around in his golf cart at his Mar-a-Lago resort yesterday. “I told you all along.”
Monday Morning Horoscope #170 for April 1, 2019 | By Amy Elliott
Aries (March 20-April 19) — It’s time to bring the full truth of who you are out into the light, for everyone to see. This revelation, dramatic as it sounds, might not require any sort of fanfare. In fact, it may well represent the culmination of a gradual process of evolution, in which you’ve come to recognize that you can no longer veil your power or your emotions so that others can feel unchallenged. That is progress. There is a purpose in causing discomfort, especially to those who are somewhat complacent, that could be described as sacred. What you are now discovering is along those lines.
Taurus (April 19-May 20) — There are times when denial has its uses, albeit as an expedient rather than a positive philosophy. To put it mildly, this is not one of those times. Your bullshit detector is currently turned up to 11, and it’s pointed right at your most private of inner sanctums, the place where you keep your raw energy and some deep secrets locked up tight; often hidden even from yourself. You are likely already sensing that this arrangement is no longer sustainable. Instead, try being completely transparent and open with yourself. You may well find this brings a palpable relief, among other benefits.
Gemini (May 20-June 21) — While your ruler Mercury is still working its way out of its conjunction with Neptune, you may be well advised to keep a firm grip on what is real. Mirages can sometimes appear in the unlikeliest places: they may occasionally fool most, if not all, of your senses. Fact-check everything as if your reputation depends on it; be wary of trusting any one source specifically, and try to avoid relying on any internet content as far as you can manage that. Where possible, defer reaching a firm conclusion on anything for the next week or two, however certain you may feel.
Cancer (June 21-July 22) — Part of making strides in the ambition and career department involves leaving behind that which no longer serves you. You don’t need to do today what you did yesterday, simply because it is the established path; be wary of maintaining rituals for their own sake. Moving forward has much in common with moving house, or with travelling: at some point during the process you have to de-clutter, so as to end up carrying with you only what you need. This may be a useful moment to clear out some items — literally, perhaps, as well as figuratively — that have become disposable.
Leo (July 22-Aug. 23) — Your philosophy of life and your aspirations have a way of being unique, and you may be about to find out how unique. Potentially, some among your contacts are encouraging you to adhere to specific beliefs, and to direct your life a certain way; yet you may realize rather suddenly in the coming days precisely where you differ from them and why. This is likely to spring from a deep place, indicating how fundamental these ideas are to your being, and to your connection with the divine principle, or with your higher self. You need not fear to stand out.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sep. 22) — Prior to finalizing any sort of commitment, take some time to re-read the small print, and make sure you’re not signing up for something you may later regret. Confirm that your understanding of the situation is congruent with that of all others involved: that you are, so to speak, all on the same page. Meanwhile, check in with your thoughts and emotions, and make a point of knowing your own motives for acting; be entirely honest with yourself, even if you risk discovering something you’d prefer not to be true. Within a couple of weeks, everything will probably be much clearer.
Libra (Sep. 22-Oct. 23) — If someone close to you rouses your anger — especially if you’ve recently been involved in a dispute — it may be helpful to consider carefully how you act, and what your emotional response really means. The chances are it’s something deeper than you realize, and not necessarily created by the present situation. There is enormous temptation just now to act immediately on our emotions, and to take our feelings as gospel truth, which goes far beyond a healthy reliance on one’s instinct. Take as much time as you need to figure out what is really the case.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 22) — Right now it seems you know pretty clearly where you wish to be, in terms of your current goal at least. Keep that vision close to your thoughts, and use each day to get a little closer to it. If it helps, you might even consider reviewing your progress on a daily or weekly basis, in order to help you organize and plan — though be sure anything of that sort inspires you, rather than wearing you down. Solve any challenges methodically and patiently. Ultimately, you know that what you seek is possible, and within your reach, no matter how long it takes to arrive.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 22) — Making use of your creative or imaginative abilities is one way to exercise your free will and determine your destiny. You can do this in small ways, and it would be just as valid as if you won fame or material gains through your gifts. The point is you are asserting your right to live on your own terms. If there is something you want to try doing, remember that many things worth accomplishing often don’t involve outstanding success on the first try. They tend to require ongoing commitment and daily practice; the journey thereby holds as much meaning as the destination.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 20) — Trust the original instincts you had about a specific project. If you are concerned that the effort you’ve put into it may have been to no avail, or that things appear to be turning out rather differently from what you envisioned, wait for more information before you give it up. There’s a reason you decided to place faith and resources in this work initially; you might benefit from recollecting that first train of ideas. Consider what you have accomplished so far; it is likely you’ve made more progress than you know, and that some results have yet to emerge fully.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 19) — After what you’ve experienced in recent months, it would not be astonishing if your emotional center had the approximate strength and imperviousness of titanium. This, however, does not require you to maintain a stiff upper lip if you should find yourself needing support. While that’s a useful survival strategy at times, it’s crucial to retain your ability to trust, even if that seems difficult right now. Acknowledging when you need to be vulnerable is a wise and courageous act. Everyone has the right to seek help, and to use the support available to them — including you.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20) — Keep a handle on your self-esteem, and do everything you can to fend off challenges, whether internal or external. In particular, try to recognize when an idea you have about yourself comes from an imposed narrative that should long have been consigned to the trash. This may manifest in you taking on responsibility for other people’s expressed anger or similar emotions that are not in fact yours to own. Be careful about a response or train of thought that feels ‘right’ — it could turn out to be simply a familiar pattern wearing a different mask. For now, take every individual case on its merits.