Aries (March 20–April 19)
You’re in a fabulous position to conquer the world, and fortunately for you, most people are way too apathetic to bother. The only thing that could possibly stop you is getting involved in the erotic opium dream cult that keeps sending you those alluring emails asking you to spend a Friday evening with them. You can always be Napoleon in your next lifetime.
Taurus (April 19–May 20)
This would be a positively awesome month to launch your own televangelist network. But you might want to consider a more offbeat media career. Honestly, who has more fun, the Rev. Haggard, or Trey Parker? Either way, if you lose your sense of humor, you’re really and truly screwed. Whatever way you choose, you must laugh your way to success, and keep laughing when you get there.
Gemini (May 20–June 21)
How smart are you? Are you really, really smart? Or really, really, really smart? How do you know how smart you are? Plenty of idiots think they’re geniuses. Then they have kids, and pass on this wonderful trait. If you devise an objective way of assessing your own intelligence, you’ll be pleasantly surprised, and may even remember to call back the guy who keeps offering you that awesome job.
Cancer (June 21–July 22)
As many have noted, there’s a fine line between love and hate. Yet where that is true, both are rendered meaningless, as is the choice for which we want. You need to listen to the words people say to you this month, and also observe the things they do. If you remember the real choice is between love and fear, it will be obvious which you want.
Leo (July 22–August 23)
Human nature is fickle, and you tend to prefer a world where people and things are solid and dependable. If someone you love is going back and forth on a decision, this is just as likely to be a projection of your own mind as it is something objectively occurring outside you. The only constant in the universe really is change. Nobody is forcing you to make up your mind. Welcome to the living.
Virgo (August 23–September 22)
There is a devil, and it is boredom. The issue is that we’re not prepared to accept as an angelic influence anything which is the opposite of boredom. Stop judging yourself, if this is the case. For just one month, walk around muttering, “I was born to have fun, I was born to have fun.” Don’t worry if you don’t believe it. The important thing is that it believes you.
Libra (September 22–October 23)
How many sex scenes can you fit into the novel of your life? Are you worried about writing an exciting book, or about what your editor will think? What about your mother? What if she saw you like that? What if your most far-out fantasies were broadcast onto cable television? If you ask me, that would be too good to be true. It may even be true.
Scorpio (October 23–November 22)
You may wonder how somebody as messed up as yourself can be so helpful to others. That should make you question whether you’re the disaster you think. However, if you decide you’re really a sane, loving and functioning person, you would need to think of yourself some other way than a walking bucket of neuroses — which might not be nearly as much fun. But you never know till you try.
Sagittarius (November 22–December 22)
Okay, some people have issues with you. And you have issues with them, but it always seems that they make a bigger deal than you do. There’s a price to pay for popularity, and when you are a witch or a magician, sometimes your own spells backfire. The solution, I assure you, is not to regress to being a politician. Be glad you cannot please everyone; at least you impress them enough to care.
Capricorn (December 22–January 20)
It’s difficult to scale a waterfall, but currently your path to self-realization feels like you’re doing just that. You can be sure of one thing: other people have wanted to get to the top as much as you. There are usually several paths around the sides. But the beauty of this month will come from standing in that rushing water and listening to what it whispers in your ears.
Aquarius (January 20–February 19)
Moses, the original Stranger in a Strange Land, must have been an Aquarius. Or was it Valentine Michael Smith, hero of the novel by the same name? Have you learned that your true power lies right beneath your sense of alienation? The more bizarre this planet feels, the more likely you are to hook up a threesome or at least an excellent date on a Monday night.
Pisces (February 19–March 20)
Forward, backward, up and down all take on new meaning in the coming weeks. A strange, potentially beautiful story that began three or four months ago takes on new meaning and a new dimension. But you are the thing that drives the plot forward, mainly with your own curiosity about life and love. Strive to find out and you will not go wrong.