FDA approves AstroZeneca shot for space aliens

WASHINGTON, April 1 (AP) — The Food and Drug Administration (FDA) has approved The AstroZeneca (AZN) covid shot for all visitors from off-world. While there is no evidence that non-human entities from other star systems or galaxies can contract a covid infection, the FDA said it was its responsibility to sell more injections.

The change in policy came at the urging of the Biden administration, which is committed to having every entity, no matter what age or species, shot full of its wonder drug.

According to directions given to senior homeland security officials on Wednesday, if visitors from any star system equipped with a physical dimension arrive in the United States, they will need to show proof of vaccination, or face being deplaneted.

This applies to Plejarens, Pleiadeans, Venusians, Hopkinsville Goblins and Tall Whites.

Visitors without bodies will be temporarily exempt, but the Biden administration said it was looking for ways to close this loophole. Jen Psaki, the White House press secretary,  said Thursday, “Trust us, we will find someplace to shove that needle.”

A spokesentity for Visitors United, the most powerful lobby group of extraterrestrials (ETs) and extrabiological entities (EBEs), said the program “is an outrage start to finish. Earthlings are 10,000 years behind even the most rudimentary technology of any of our member planets and star systems, and we know how to do this a lot better than you. We don’t do it at all.” It said that Earth is the only remaining planet in the Milky Way galaxy to still use vaccines. “We have found that kimchi works just fine,” it added.

“Space aliens are a growth sector,” said Leif Johansson, AstroZeneca’s chairman. “Today, nearly everyone agrees that they exist, and we are committed to capturing this potentially lucrative share of the market.”

Uncooperative Space Aliens will Lose Their Rights

If space aliens request asylum and cannot remain in detention, they will be released with a monitoring device “with stringent conditions,” which will include being denied the right to abduct humans, insert implants into their sinuses, enter their dreams, mutilate cattle, or eat at McDonald’s.

Reptilians, including Orions, Draconians, Cecrops, and Glycons, will all be exempt, as will Men in Black (MIBs). However, anyone who is taken captive by Reptilians or MIBs and then released will need to pass a rapid antigen test before being allowed to wake up in their beds wondering what the hell just happened to them.

“Space aliens are a growth sector,” said Leif Johansson, AstroZeneca’s chairman. “Today, nearly everyone agrees that they exist, and we are committed to capturing this potentially lucrative share of the market.” The company’s stock reached a three-month high at closing on the day the news was released.

“Normally, I don’t give a shit about aliens,” said an apoplectic Alex Jones on Thursday night’s broadcast. “But this is an obvious capitalist scheme to make money on entities who are not under Earthly jurisdiction. Most of them are superior to us, well, superior to everyone but me.”

“Our digital virus travels at the speed of light, but it will still take a while to get places. If we want to have covid in the Pleiades, that that’ll take 444.2 years to arrive. So it will be more effective to skip the test and jab everything that moves.”

PCR Testing of EBEs and ETs Will be Lucrative

The ghost of Kary Mullis, reached by clairvoyant, said there will be a huge market for polymerase chain reaction (PCR) testing of extrabiological entities (EBEs) and extraterrestrials (ETs). Mullis, inventor of the PCR, said it would be the perfect device to get positive covid tests for anyone from anywhere.

“With the PCR, you can custom set your false positive rate,” he said. “I didn’t plan it that way, but that’s how it works, and I see some huge potential here.”

“If the PCR codes are sent to other planets, we’re talking about the potential of an interstellar pandemic,” said Dr. Anthony Fauci, the hay fever and pandemic czar of the United States.

“Our digital virus travels at the speed of light, but it will still take a while to get places. If we want to have covid in the Pleiades, that that’ll take 444.2 years to arrive. So it will be more effective to skip the test and jab everything that moves.” He added tentatively, “I don’t know about you, but I’m not shoving a swab up the nose of a Plejaren. Nooo sirree.”

“Has anyone considered the practicalities?” asked a bewildered David Wilcock, host of Divine Cosmos and a regular guest on the Ancient Aliens program.

‘Not Safety Tested on All Species’

Del Bigtree, host of The High Wire program, said that the injections have not been properly safety tested on all 56 species known to visit the Earth regularly.

“Why do we care if they get covid? Who knows what these beings are importing from their home planets. We could all be growing scales tomorrow,” said Bigtree, who is also president of the Informed Consent Action Network (ICAN), promising to file a motion in Intergalactic Court to stop the program.

“Has anyone considered the practicalities?” asked a bewildered David Wilcock, host of Divine Cosmos and a regular guest on the Ancient Aliens program. “This seems poorly planned, just like the first time around.”

He asked, “Who says that visitors come in through official border crossings? Usually they show up in the middle of nowhere, such as Kerhonkson, New York. These politicians are clueless.”

Australia will be taking things a step further, banning all visitors from any country, star system or dimension from entering the country, and also making it illegal for Australian citizens to look at the sky. “Just because I feel like it, everyone has to take a covid test in the next hour,” said Dr. Paul Kelly, the chief medical officer.