ATLANTA (CNN) — The Centers for Disease Control and Infection has urged Americans to “get an injection, any injection at all,” in order to block the spread of the novel coronavirus.
“It will be a while before a vaccine is ready,” said Deborah Birx, the leader of the president’s task force on the virus, wearing a vntage AFL-CIO scarf in honor of upcoming Labor Day. “Therefore, we are recommending that Americans get any immunization available. It doesn’t matter what.”
“The most easily available is the seasonal flu. You can get that for five bucks, probably free if you have Medicare or talk a good line. In fact, can probably go drugstore hopping and get one at CVS, another at Rite Aid and another at the supermarket. They love giving that injection. The more you get, the better you will feel.”
Vintage Polio Vaccines Will Suit Just Fine
She said that the MMR vaccine would suit just fine, or maybe a rabies shot. “Just have someone stick a needle in your arm and you’ll be fine. But the flu shot is best. There are a lot of coronaviruses cooked into the brew and you’ll get some lateral immunity.”
Then you could hear Vice President Mike Pence, the honorary chairman of the safety committee, say, “I love getting shots!”
Anthony Fauci, leader of the allergy and infectious disease section of CDC, stepped up to the microphone wearing the same red, white and blue Washington Nationals face covering he’s been wearing for two months, since the day he mysteriously reversed CDC’s longstanding guidance against healthy people wearing masks.
“We have leftover polio vaccine from 1961,” he mumbled gleefully, peeking over the podium.
“There’s this huge refrigerator full of product in the basement of the building where I usually work. You should see it. I bet we have 50,000 of those vintage doses left. They expired in 1962, but I know these products last a while, especially if you keep them in the dark.”
After a pause, he added, “Don’t worry about the simian virus contamination, the formaldehyde kills that,” he added. Some of the doses were personally made by Dr. Jonas Salk, he said.
Placebos are Just as Effective
Dr. John Malcom, the director of the Placebo Unit of the CDC, said that people could even inject air and get a good result. Or if you have some polysorbate-80 on hand, just inject that.
In support of the measure, Pres. Trump tweeted, “They are right, any injection will do, even fentanyl,” he wrote. “If you’re in a pinch, heroin will work. An injection is an injection. They are all good for you, and our best scientists say that coronavirus hates heroin. INJECTIONS GOOD, DISEASE BAD,” he added, seemingly for clarity.
The White House said there is a little-known provision in Obamacare that entitles everyone to free cocaine injections, which any American who is covered could use. “You will love it,” a spokesman for the president said. Later, the White House said in an additional statement that people should walk around with a needle hanging out of their arm as a show of support for the “inject anything” campaign.
“We don’t know why injections work, but they do,” said CNN’s chief medical correspondent, Dr. Sanjay Gupta, while shooting up some vitamin C. “Just do what we say. ‘Do the jab’, and you will feel better.” He held up a poster with that motto, which will be posted throughout the New York subways next week.
At press time, the nation’s rescue squads and ambulance corps were overloaded, which was believed to be due to people who refused to wear masks driving into the sides of buildings.