CDC advises dead people to wear masks

The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention has issued an advisory for all deceased people to wear masks.

No coughin’ in the coffin.

“There is no question that masks work,” said Deborah Birx, coordinator of Pres. Trump’s Covid task force. “Everyone has to participate, no exceptions, and that includes the dear departed. We must take care of them as well.”

Birx said that “everyone must take care of their own community,” including dead people. She said that there is new scientific evidence that wearing a mask will prevent a corpse from spreading the virus to other corpses.

She added that it was important that deceased individuals wear the mask whether in the funeral home, or in the hearse, or when buried.

“This may sound like overkill, but we cannot be too careful,” said Vice President Mike Pence, the honorary chairman of the safety committee. “There are a lot of dead people. We sent most of them a stimulus check. The least they can do is wear a mask.”

Dr. Chester Fibrion, chairman of the Department of Mortuary Intelligence at George Washington University, said, “Dead people actually do breathe, a little,” adding that “sometimes they even come back to life. We see a lot of that on CNN.”

Joe Biden, the presumptive Democratic presidential nominee, lauded the move by the Trump administration, signaling the possibility of national unity. “Finally, they are doing something helpful, something that shows that they value life,” the former vice president tweeted. His official profile photo depicts him wearing a mask.

“At least we can all agree on something.”