The candidates’ remarks came after the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) issued yet another policy change, urging Americans not to fart in public to prevent the spread of the novel coronavirus.
PHILADELPHIA (CNN) — Democratic presidential nominee Joe Biden told reporters yesterday that if he is elected, he will issue an executive order mandating that all Americans plug their anus with a surgical mask.
“I know this isn’t popular with some people,” he said. “But it’s for their own good. We’re not asking much. Just roll the mask up in a little wad and shove it.”
“President Biden will have you shoving masks up your butt, and candidate Biden is asking you to do the same thing,” he said, referring to himself.
His running mate Kamala Harris promised harsh prosecutions for those who do not comply, and said that inspectors would be roaming the streets to check up on people. Before Harris served as California’s attorney general, she served as chief of the Ass Crimes Unit in San Francisco.
“Eventually there will be an app,” she said. “Bill Gates is personally developing that, so you know it will work perfectly. The data will flow directly to the Department of Justice, where they really care about this kind of thing,” presumably because so little else is going on.
The candidates’ remarks came after the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) issued yet another policy change, urging Americans not to fart in public to prevent the spread of the novel coronavirus. CDC has long had a ban on farting on its sprawling campus, even outside.
“If breathing spreads COVID-19, then farting spreads COVID-19,” said Franz Verlierer, a CDC spokesman. “Breathing is just like farting, especially if you’ve been wearing a mask for six months,” he added.
Americans, who on average eat 12 hamburgers a week and consume approximately 21 milkshakes a month, lead the world in human methane production, coming in close second on production of hydrogen sulfide.
In other words, they leave a trail of farts across town from the time they go out in the morning till they return in the evening.
“There’s just one way to prevent this, which is to shove a mask up your ass,” said Dr. Annabel Smith, a professor of theoretical medicine at Johns Hopkins University, which contributes to most of the confusion surrounding COVID.
“Surgeons shove masks up their ass before they go into the operating room. I bet you didn’t know that. But don’t worry, that’s before they do the five minute scrub,” she added.
CDC has ordered that all restaurants, public transit facilities, schools, churches, synagogues, buses and airplanes install mask changing partitions for safety. These will be plexiglass booths located in the corner of everything, everywhere.
“This will never end,” said an official with the National institutes of Health, speaking on the condition of anonymity, “And once they start with masks, there’s no telling what you’re going to have to shove up your rear end next. Really, it could be anything. This is a terrible precedent.”