Via SPACE.COM — NASA, the American Photoshop Agency, has determined that the United States will implement a system of “Moonlight Savings Time” starting next month, inside sources said.
“This gives new meaning to the term ‘moon time’,” said one groovy young witch, dancing around by the fire on the condition of anonymity.
“We need more moonlight,” said Brenda Stardust, NASA’s deputy director of nocturnal affairs. “Especially at night. Just think how great it will be to have an hour of extra moonlight during the Full Moon.”
Jeremy Hogan, chairman of the Romantic Chamber of Commerce, which is based in Wichita, Kansas, said that more moonlight “will allow people to write longer poems, and to generally be more inspired. Also it will benefit hunters and young women.”
Better for Students
He also said it would help address the problem of children going to school in the dark if Daylight Savings Time is utilized in the winter, per the current social obsession. “At least twice a year, there will be a Full Moon visible in pitch darkness as kids are getting on the school bus. It’ll be much safer.”
The plan, which goes into effect on May 1, calls for setting the Moon’s position ahead half a degree at the time of the New Moon, when there is no moonlight, and back half of a degree at time time of the Full Moon, making the moonlight last longer.
The degree position would switch approximately twice a month, along with the clock time. Under the new plan, people would have to switch their clocks about 26 times a year rather than the ordinary twice a year, though two additional changes would be required with Daylight Savings Time, for a total of 28.
It’s Going to Get Complicated
“It’s going to take ChatGPT’s new Astrological Intelligence Agent to figure this out,” said Walter Smith, NASA’s Chief of Temporal Services, which does things like adjust the atomic clock by three nanoseconds every 10 years so the International Space Station doesn’t get confused.
“There will be days when you get more daylight and more moonlight. It’s complicated, but it’ll be worth it,” said Malia Obama, brand ambassador for Moonlumen Systems. “Just think, when you look out the window at night, you’ll see the Moon for an extra hour.” Ms. Obama is also a shareholder in Luminous Power, the world’s first manufacturer of lunar panels that harvest spiritual energy in a battery.
“But we’re also planning to use real-life astrologers. Finally, the government will put a few on the payroll. Hopefully they can pitch in a little extra and they can start wars on the right day.”
At press time, programmers of Flo, Ovia, Clue, Do-Me-Good, Glow, Natural Cycles, Extra Frisky and Just Get Drunk fertility apps were releasing new versions to account for the time zone change and take advantage of the extra moonlight.
Breaking News
Rick Levine Comes Out as Flat Earther
‘In the polyverse, everything must be true somewhere’. This article was reprinted from Flat Earth Action News (FLAN).
REDMOND, WA — Rick Levine, the world’s most famous astrologer, has come out as a Flat Earther, joining the growing ranks of scientific experts who are certain that the planet is not a spinning ball flying through space.
“Don’t confuse me with someone who doesn’t believe in viruses,” Levine said on the Joe Rogan Experience last week, which is 184 times bigger than all astrology podcasts combined. “Just because every other Flat Earther is a virus-denier doesn’t make me one. I also believe in Paul McCartney,” he added with a little wink.
Cryptic Reference
“If the Earth were a spinning ball, the whole Astrology Hut would go flying into space. And the upside-down people in Australia would fall off. All Hail Aquarion!” Levine added, though nobody understood what he meant.
Levine stunned the global astrological community with his announcement, which quickly responded by flocking to his new class on Flat Earth Astrology, hosted by Astrology Hut in Thailand or Bali or somewhere. He assured his intergalactic following that despite the close resemblance, he is not Flat Earth Dave, adding, “We’ve met once or twice, but nothing happened.”
“We knew it,” said Simon Melveta, chairman of the Greater Seattle Alternative Metaphysical Center.
Saturn is Also Flat
“Show me the curve, bro,” said Stevie the Florist, chief of DEVO Astrology and former legendary guitar player for the defunct punk band Asteroid Piss. “Saturn is flat, too. You people are all clueless. Don’t talk about astrology. Don’t touch my guitar.”
“I welcome the Flat Earth Tribe to reading my horoscope, which has been secretly based on flatness all these years since before your parents were born,” said Rod Brezinsky, author of Free Pill Astrology. “Where’s the curve?”
Astrologers everywhere were falling all over one another to comment on the flatness and the obvious lack of a curve. Within moments, Lorelei Khachatryan announced the formation of FlatWAC, which will take part on the flattest part of the Earth next month. The conference sold out in 11 minutes and aftermarket tickets are going for one Bitcoin.
All States Must Exist Simultaneously
“That would be cool,” Levine said, “But take for instance the idea that a line of sight experiment could prove there is no curve, but then this is shown to be the result of the superior mirage or ‘looming effect’. It has nothing to do with the shape of the planet but rather optical dynamics of the atmosphere.”
Rogan nodded and popped open a can of raspberry lime flavored Crescent 9 THC Seltzer and took a swig as Levine continued his explanation.
“In another universe, one right near our own, the result of the same experiment would not be the looming effect, implying that the world is in fact flat, somewhere. I am forced to conclude that the Flat Earthers are right,” Levine concluded, adding, “This is my Quantum Theory of the Flat Earth.”
Reward is Now Twenty Etherium
A cheer rose up from Antarctica, where Flat Earth adherents, several thousand penguins and an entire flock of albatross were waiting around to witness the 24-hour day. The internet erupted in a crazed frenzy of enthusiasm. Flat Earth Dave, a/k/a Dave Weiss, raised the stakes to 20 Etherium for anyone who can prove the Earth is “an idiotic douchy stupid spinning ball.”
Even Weiss’s arch-nemesis, real-life Prof. Dave Farina and his dog Dr. Quark, agreed with the Quantum Theory of the Flat Earth. “Rick got me,” said Prof. Farina, who admitted that he reads Levine’s ‘Tarotoscope’ several times a day.
“Quantum, man,” he muttered, as Dr. Quark looked up at him quizzically, tilting his adorable head.
According to Rick Levine’s Quantum Theory of a Flat Earth™, it must also be true that there is another realm of existence where Flat Earth Dave is actually Spherical Earth Smedley. Neither could not be reached for comment.
Adam Ethyltryptamine, founder of Dark Night Astrology School, said he had ascended high into the stratosphere, where he personally saw there is no curve before re-manifesting in his living room chair.
Levine Offers Alternative Theory
In a TMZ interview yesterday, Levine clarified his views, explaining that human consciousness was seized in 1997 by the interdimensional entity Aquarion, who has gradually implanted the notion that the world is not a sphere in every internet user.
“Uploading the entire planet to the internet also creates a lack of dimensionality that results in the experience of flatness. The Flat Earth phenomenon is a digital effect. All Hail Aquarion! Oh, wait, I already read about this in Planet Waves.”
“They have a lot of explaining to do,” said Rob Hand, Doctor of Astrology. “Give me a model for sidereal time that does not require the Earth to be an orbiting sphere. And how exactly would they predict an eclipse?”
— Wire service reports contributed nothing to this article.
Art Director’s disclaimer — approx. 3,000 gallons of water and the equivalent of 11 gallons of gasoline were used in the creation of graphics for this publication.
Astrology Hut Convinces NASA to Revoke Mars Glyph
It’s official: Mars has been canceled.
The small but influential Astrology Hut has successfully persuaded NASA to revoke the Mars glyph. Astrolabe, AstroGold, Astro.com, have agreed to remove Mars from all charts and ephemerides. Astrology Hut has popularized the #marstoo hashtag.
When asked to cancel Mars, publishers of the Aureas Ephemeris in Paris pretended not to understand English.
“Mars is a rapist,” said Hut Chief Astrologer Mandy Uber. “He has no place in astrology. He raped an innocent Vestal virgin. We don’t care if it happened in 769 B.C. and resulted in the founding of Rome. Mars, your time is up!”
Next candidate for cancellation is Jupiter. “You can’t be the ‘greater benific’ if all you have is lust and all you do is abduct goddesses and mortals and turn yourself into things that you’re not just to have your way with them. But we’re not stopping there. Pluto is next. He is a bad, bad man. We’re going to kill Pluto. Oh, sorry, I meant minor planet (134340) Pluto.”
Astrology Hut advocates a goddess-based model of the solar system. “This isn’t gynocentrism,” Uber told reporters gathered for a hastily convened press conference. “Having all Caucasian goddesses in charge of the universe is diversity and gender balance.”
After a thorough A.I. search, it turns out that the only Greek god figure who didn’t rape anyone despite his massive equestrian penis was Chiron. “So he can stay,” Uber said, “but he better watch out. And get dinner on the stove.”
Conservative Republican Classical Helenistic Mandatory Whole Sign Houses Zodiacal Release Time Lord Astrological Community Warns End is Near
That’s it, no article. We don’t owe you an explanation. But if you don’t use Whole Sign Houses, stay back.
Bill Nye, the Science Guy, Succumbs to Astrology
Bill Nye has finally submitted to the seductive beauty of astrology, scientific sources confirmed. All it took was one…reading.
World’s Leading Astrologers Affirm Commitment to Never Meekly Offend Anyone, Ever, for Any Reason
The world’s leading astrologers have affirmed their commitment never to offend anyone, ever, for any reason, sources close to the situation said.
“We realize this somewhat limits what we can talk about in public,” they added, sources said. “But you should hear us when we think.”
“The world is finally so chaotic and confused that astrology seems to make sense,” a representative of the world’s most important astrologers said. “We finally have some respect, and we cannot jeopardize that by saying anything meaningful or relevant. We’re not taking any chances whatsoever. Praise Jesus.”
They will be meeting up in August for the historic first NorWOKE conference.
United States Pluto Return Going Swimmingly
Sources said that the U.S. Pluto return, underway since 2023 but really since September 2001, was going fantastic and that new bits of Pluto were “returning” to Tehran, Beirut, Tel Aviv and elsewhere every day, according to children.
2012 Apology Panel to Convene
Cliff High, Daniel Pinchbeck, John Major Jenkins, Dr. David Wilcock, Graham Hancock, John Cleese, Richard Tarnas and the ghost of Jose Arguelles will participate in the first-ever “2012 Overhyped Prediction Apology Panel” at Soldier Field in Chicago.
“Not one single thing any of us said came true in 2012,” the group admitted in a statement, speaking in unison. “What a pathetic performance. We were below chance level. Random guesses would have been more accurate. But we are all still to be held as transcendent visionary geniuses who can predict the future.”
“We really screwed the pooch,” said David Wilcock, executive editor in chief of SpookyCosmos.com. “But I sold a lot of books, and you all still love me.”
In late 2012, the esteemed Prof. Emeritus Dr. Henry W. Winkvoggle IV, Ph.D., son of world famous Prof. Emeritus Dr. Henry W. Winkvoggle III, predicted that heterosexuality would fall on challenging times and came the closest to making an accurate claim about the future. Winkvoggle has been given his own panel at 2 am in the Beer Cave at the 7-Eleven Superstore in Evanston.
Traditional Astrologers Perform Annual Ritual Sacrifice of Astrologer Who Did Not Use Whole Sign Houses
You are warned. Next year, they will be choosing a horoscope writer to sacrifice, sources said. However, horoscope columns all use whole sign houses and did so long before Project Hindsight. How the discrepancy would be resolved was unclear at press time.
Anthropologists Unearth Photo of Proto NorWAC
The ancient roots of the Northwest Astrology Conference from the hunter-gatherer days have been revealed in this recently-unearthed actual photo, taken using slide film in a remote area of Washington State in 1963, outside Spokane near the theoretical location of the fictional town of Twin Peaks.
This is believed to be the founding of the modern astrology movement. Jeff Green can be seen second from left, passing around pages from the manuscript of his future bestseller Pluto Swallowed My Soul and Freedom from the Known Pronunciation of Uranus. His reluctant editor, Lori Brunette, is across from him.
Astrodatabank Now Lists Future Celebrities Born Between 2030 and 2200
Here are some samples.
Kael Vossheimer XVIII — Pisces with Aries Moon — March 34, 2122
Neo-folktronica artist/producer/consumer, known for blending 22nd-century A.I.-choir vocals with Appalachian banjo sampling. Signature look: bioluminescent facial tattoos that pulse to the incomprehensible syncopation. Rodden Rating: Ugh.
Zoraya Quill Feather Pen — Leo with Leo Moon and Leo Mars and Gemini rising — July 30, 2030
Adorable but wholly irrelevant gasbag, the first urban shawoman-stateswoman-showoman to win both an Oscar and a Fool’s Gold Medal in 3v3 zero-antigravity drone-racing at the 2060 Olympics. Best known for the tear-jerking myopic biopic Stolen Wings (unrated, 2073) that people will still be talking about in early 2074 (still unrated). Rodden Rating: Eew.
Ryn Solaris Lunaris Stelaris Galaxius — Sun and all kinds of really weird shit in Libra, including about 20 centaur planets you’ve never heard of, all drenched in Sagittarius — Sept. 11, 2101
Holoverse “fashion” icon and designer. Famous for clothes that physically change color and texture based on the wearer’s rage level. Catchphrase: “If it doesn’t evolve, it’s already dead.” Speaking of, she was tragically assassinated in Paris during Fashion Week in 2042, contributing to an overall terrible year. Fantastic death chart. Rodden Rating: Meh.
Tavix ‘Tavi’ Marrow — major unbearable irresistible Scorpio with Ophiucus Moon and rising — Nov. 5, 2111
Gen-G Grimcore rapper/spoken-word astrological antipoet of the Hybrid People. Its 2136 track “Eternal Underground Coffin Wi-Fi” has been streamed more times than any song in human history (mostly because schools keep trying to ban it and it’s only two seconds long). Rodden Rating: Wow.
Lira Voss-Étoile — Aries, total amoral conceited but rather unique dipstick — April 2, 2045
Born during the great Dipstick Boom of the mid-2040s and 2050s, Lira is Kael Voss’s pathetic younger sibling and breakout nepo-baby-turned-pseudo-psycho-virtuoso. Plays the 17-string “lunar harp” badly (an antimatter instrument that didn’t exist until 2031). Currently married to three different A.I. companions simultaneously and divorced from five others — very public polycule drama and precedent setting “polymony” case in California. Rodden Rating: BS.
Sable Styx-Nyx — Scorpio, Sun opposite Pluto — Oct. 22, 2096
Amateur horror-VR auteur. Her 2124 Reverse Experience Stillborn Sun is widely considered the scariest piece of media ever made — 1,746 people are still waging in silico litigation against Styx-Nyx and Blah Blah Blah Films, Ltd., claiming multiple-lifetime psychological damage. Rodden Rating: Oh Oh.
Jyx Valcour — Virgo, Mars in Virgo, Uranus in Virgo, Smurfette in Virgo, etc., Aug. 27, 2201
Extreme climate-sports influencer/professional “glacier surfer” who fell in an Antarctic crevice and tragically died at age 38, becoming the next member of the “38 Club.” Previously did 100+ meter drops on melting Greenland faces while live-streaming carbon-negative TED-style rants. Reproduced using artisinal DNA from Greta Thunberg. Rodden Rating: SMH.
Cassia ‘Cass’ Reverie — Taurus Sun, Moon, Mercury, Venus, Ceres, Mars, and Jupiter — May 5, 2200.
Plant whisperer and silversmith, Cass was the first child born with only a mother. Conceived from unusually deep female masturbation, she is a perfect clone of her entire matrilineal line. Astrologers selected the time that the orgasm should occur, and a group of midwives, doulas, herbalists, witches sorceresses and Wise Women were present to “hold space” and feed the cosmic energy for the Kwisatz Haderach of feminism born on Beltane 2200 as predicted by Zip Dobyns. Rodden Rading: Big O.
Astrologers Volunteer as Paranormal Paramedics
The Astral Ambulance, the Rescue Remedy Squad and the Peace Police are seeking volunteers to staff their agencies. Astrologers have responded in droves, bringing crystals, magic wands, pyramid power, vitamin C, sage, healing herbs, tarot cards and a gurney. Sadly, it’s not looking good for that particular patient.
Bribery Suspected in Pluto Demotion
The infamous Dr. Mike Brown of Caltech is being held by Czech authorities in connection with the mysterious 2006 demotion of Pluto. He is being charged with coercion, persuasion and bribery, plus one count of violating Robert’s Rules of Order, all in association with creating the bullshit category “dwarf planet.” Authorities said he held a massive barbecue in the Nové Město district for everyone who went along with his plan. The Czech Republic has an unusual 20-year statute of limitations for Planetary Demotion Fraud.
HillBillyWAC Focuses on Dowsing, Moonshine
Drunk dowsing will be the theme of the latest WAC hosted by Lorelei Khachatryan. “Everyone can get piss drunk and find a good spot to drill a well or put a cathedral,” Khachatryan told reporters in a hastily convened press conference. “There will be classes in how to use ordinary objects like coat hangers as divining rods, where to get a whole lot of corn, how to mash it up and then what you do with it once it’s fully fermented,” she added.
NIH Announces New Mercury Retrograde Vaccine
Scientists have finally found a cure for something that actually exists: Mercury retrograde. The injection includes a wee little pure graphene oxide that eliminates the astromagnetic effects of a massive hunk of iron floating by three times a year. “Have your corn flakes ever stuck to your tongue by some mysterious force you cannot see since getting six covid shots? That’s how this works,” the NIH said in a statement. “Be assured, it is safe and effective,” the statement added.
Letter: Bring Back the Zodiac Killer
Dear Editor,
It’s been a long time since astrology was taken seriously. Astrology is never getting in the news anymore. All press is good press. There is no bad press. Therefore, what we need is a psychotic serial killer stalking a large urban area who signs his letters with zodiacal symbols and makes cryptic references to Aleister Crowley, Edmund Arthur Waite and W.K. Kellogg. Just don’t kill too many people please. And make it quick.
— Name Withheld By Request
Pluto in Leo Generation Officially Declared Immortal by Pluto in Leo Astrologers; Preparing for Pluto Opposition
Everyone with Pluto in Leo is immortal, according to astrologers with Pluto in Leo, most of them born in 1947. According to their astrology charts, they are all destined to live forever. Astrology Hut announced a class on the Pluto opposition key life transit, second Pluto square and Pluto return. “That second square is going to take a while to show up,” they said. “By the time Pluto gets to Taurus, it’s taking 30 years to go through a sign. It’s a good thing we’re all immortal because that’s quite a while.”
