Monday Flaunt for December
Monthly horoscopes are delivered to subscribers one each Monday beginning with the first Monday that the Sun is in the new sign. We have four different ones. If there are five Mondays while the Sun is in a sign, there is no horoscope the fifth Monday.
Flaunt horoscope is published by the Los Angeles-based magazine “Flaunt.” It’s written in a somewhat more enthusiastic style than my other horoscopes, with slightly different boundaries. It is intended only for adults.
Thank you! – ef
Aries (March 20–April 19)
It is not like you to book first-class tickets to India in search of a guru on three days’ notice, but as your astrologer I urge you to do what you need to do, nothing less. I predict, however, that when you arrive and find your true master, she’ll look at you and say, “Cute little Aries, the teacher is within.”
Taurus (April 19–May 20)
When I first incarnated about 40,000 years ago, there wasn’t such a battle between religion and sex. But a while later, I was there when Lemuria fell, and I’ll be darned: a bunch of psychotic religious zealots had convinced everyone that fucking was a crime. The weird part was, most people believed it. It was not true then, and it’s not true today.
Gemini (May 20–June 21)
Careful with matches, ideas and anything else that might cause dry, brittle people and things to suddenly be consumed in flames. Well, okay, I concede, it’s all their fault for being so boring in the first place, and for not carrying around a fire extinguisher, and it’s not your job to hose everyone down. Just make sure you have a good story lined up for the fire chief.
Cancer (June 21–July 22)
Have you noticed lately that nobody’s appropriate to have a relationship with? That can only mean one thing: of course, everyone’s appropriate to have a relationship with, and these days everyone could be anyone. It’s just that if you find yourself in the supply closet with one of these fully appropriate people, make sure the door locks.
Leo (July 22–August 23)
Leos have a reputation for being fun loving, adventurous, creative, amazing, generous people. You’re known for taking care of yourself so well, you can always take care of others. Yours is the sign for whom work is play and play is work. Now that six planets are in your fellow fire sign Sagittarius, you can finally live up to that reputation.
Virgo (August 23–September 22)
Betty Dodson, one of the great sex icons of the 20th century and for that matter the 19th and 21st centuries, once told me that if you want to have an orgy, invite twice as many people as you want to show up. Then, all you need are three among them who are steadfastly devoted to getting naked and making it happen. Remember, because this applies to many facets of life.
Libra (September 22–October 23)
Earlier this fall, the official tally of Web pages exceeded 100 million. Shockingly, when I put up my first site in 1996, the number was closer to 20,000. It’s true, there are a lot of ideas out there, and most of them are rank bullshit. But this is the year to have full-on, unstoppable, from-the-heart faith in your ideas, because they are good, and the world is entering another similar growth curve.
Scorpio (October 23–November 22)
I suggest you sell some of your stuff. Not a lot — just enough to find out how much it’s worth, and to start a process of teaching yourself that resources are mobile, they can change hands, and they can gain and lose value. But the extent to which you, yourself, value your own possessions is a discovery you would do well to indulge.
Sagittarius (November 22–December 22)
Winning and losing, well, it’s better to win, and you’ve just been dealt four aces and a queen. But life is not a slot machine; at the poker table, you have to play the game and follow the rules. But the part that’s hardest for most people is easiest for you: luck. Please decide when and how you’re going to use it.
Capricorn (December 22–January 20)
Get out your drum and find a photo of a campfire on the Internet, and dive into your shamanic powers. What, exactly, are those? Um, let’s see. How about being inspired to live your life with the full dedication that you serve the Great Spirit every moment, and trusting that you’ll be told everything you need to know? Excellent start…
Aquarius (January 20–February 19)
Okay, your cosmic team has gathered all around you, and is ready for you to call the next play. What is the goal? What is the mission? Why are you the one who has to decide? Ah, well, it’s just that it’s your turn. And you know what you’re talking about, and you’ve been trying to hatch this plot for years. ‘Tis the season to get busy.
Pisces (February 19–March 20)
One’s career is not everything, but yours is about to come close. If you’re working slinging coffee, now is the time to get free. If you’re a writer who has been steadily working on your craft, dedicated to doing your best each day, now is the time to suddenly become visible. If you feel the indescribable urge to hide under a rock, get ready to sign autographs.