Forgiveness and Friends: Reader Responses
to Eloisa
May 5, 2006
http://cainer.com/ericfrancis/may5.html
Dear Eric
Regarding the reader Eloisa: I've been through similar
situations with friends and what it comes down to for me is not so much the
forgiveness part, because I can eventually do that, although it may take
awhile, but for me it comes down to trust. It's very hard for me to trust
someone again, so the relationship is never the same.
Lynda
Dear Eric
I wanted to respond to the reader Eloisa from
Controversial? Yes, very. But let me explain. I believe that
when you can't forgive someone you carry with you the hurt, pain or evil that
they have inflicted upon you. Whether it anger regurgitating inside or pain
adding a lead weight to your soul that has physical, emotional and spiritual
ramifications. When I say you can forgive anyone anything, I don't mean that you
forget because you will never forget but you can let the baggage go and say
"No" to further victimization.
It doesn't happen overnight. It can be a very long process
but you can forgive even the worst act if you realize that carrying it with you
will do more harm then good. You are essentially saying "I allow you to
continually hurt me." Who wants to carry a little bit of evil with you?
When saying "I forgive you", you are really just saying "I let
you go so I have more room for joy in my life." I like to think of it as
pushing it out of my DNA. Anyway, it is a very personal topic and I am sure
more readers will have more to say on the subject.
Peace,
Sherrie
Belflower, Ca
Dear Eloisa
Congratulations on getting through your Saturn Return! You
sound like someone who is extremely conscious of their own actions and takes
responsibility for them as well. It's unfortunate that sometimes people
perceive a willingness to bend to life's lessons as a weakness or
vulnerability. It may, in fact, be a vulnerability of sorts but ironically, it
is a great strength, not a weakness. I have tended to be a bit "overly
responsible", which is a nice way of saying that sometimes I am a doormat
for people.
As I've gotten older (I'm the ripe old age of 40), I've
gotten much more comfortable with the idea that my only job is to be the best
person I can be (thank God - and one of the perks of the years passing by).
With that, the realization has come that I not only am not obligated to be
responsible for other people's behavior, it's really not possible. It's
delaying the inevitable for both parties - we all have our own lessons to
learn, paths to follow, etc. You need to be responsible for your own personal,
healthy boundaries, which I think you have done in an exemplary way, AND others
need to be responsible for their own behavior. That doesn't make you a
"bad" human being or someone who is unforgiving.
Quite the contrary. If every person on this planet took
responsibility for themselves, can you imagine how peaceful this place would
be? Your friend is trying to pass the buck. If you still aren't sure, reverse
the situation. Would you behave that way toward a friend, or a stranger for
that matter? I don't know you personally, but I suspect not. All of us are
blind to our faults, at least to a certain degree. And hopefully we can have
empathy and find forgiveness for the people who hurt us, just as we would want
the same. But finding forgiveness and putting ourselves in a situation to be
treated unfairly (repeatedly) are two very different things.
I think your response to her was completely appropriate and
what any emotionally responsible, healthy person would say. So stop doubting
yourself and good for you! I was watching a biography on
Lauren
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