At Arms Length

 

June 10, 2005

 

http://cainer.com/ericfrancis/june10.html

 

Hi Eric,

 

I am a Scorpio born in Adelaide, South Australia. My question is why do I keep people at arms length? I never let anyone get too close. I also have an over the top fantasy life whereby all my energy goes into imagining a romantic future with certain men. Are the two observations linked? I love your work and would appreciate any insights.

 

Thanks,

Eloise

 

 

Dear Eloise,

 

I think it's great that you're asking this question. I am looking at your chart, but I am feeling quite reluctant to comment based purely on the astrology without some sense of your personal history. Yours is definitely a chart and a situation that calls for careful discussion, taken slowly, over a period of time.

 

I can, however, suggest that there is in my view a relationship between keeping people at a distance and running a lot of emotional energy through mental channels -- rather than taking an actual chance in the relationship. I mean, we need contact, and if we can't get it, for whatever reason, we're often going to think about it.

 

And I'll do my best to offer you a plausible description of your situation based on your chart -- which is not the same thing as getting a sense of yourself, or why you are the way you are, or what it will take to gradually build trust with people around you.

 

I can see that you may carry some sense that you can't quite define yourself, and this makes relationships risky. It is true that most people make up a fictional definition of who they are and work with that, which is also risky, but you're way too self-conscious to work with a fictional self-image. Rather, the question and the surrounding issues are so strong that, in a sense, they have a way of getting you to doubt your own existence.

 

Then, people can come on so strongly and with so much emphasis that you can't really even relate to them, particularly because you don't stand on a solid enough foundation to do so.

 

However, if we remember that you are born with a Scorpio Sun and both Venus and Neptune in Scorpio, you have a deep and powerful desire to relate, and a need to relate, and lots of feeling to relate with...and the whole thing must add up to a frustrating situation.

 

I suggest that asking this question is just the beginning of the story of growing out of your struggle. I also want to say that I feel you can and will grow into a much stronger state. Developments over the next 12 months will go a long way toward helping you not just define yourself in real terms, but also assert your desire for freedom, independence and authenticity.

 

Just remember that it's impossible to learn to trust other people without actually relating to them. So if you're going to learn to trust, I suggest you do it with real people, gradually over time.

 

One other thing. If we were working together, I would be interested in the content of the scenarios of your fantasy relationships. They tell a story about what you believe, how you expect to be treated, and they would, if understood, probably give away a lot of the clues as to why you are experiencing what you are experiencing. But you'll probably need some objective help to sort through those, as often the most obvious things are not quite apparent to us while someone with a little distance can see them easily.

 

But if you're good at analysis and can make the connections between what you fantasize about now, and what you went through in the past, I am sure you can learn something interesting.

 

Last and once again, I suggest reading the book A General Theory of Love. For anyone asking, 'Why am I the way I am?', this is an excellent book. You would also benefit from reading anything Melanie Reinhart has to say about Chiron in Pisces or the 12th house, as well as her write-up on Aries and the 1st house.