Relationship Age-Gap

November 19, 2004

 

http://cainer.com/ericfrancis/nov19.html

 

Hello Eric:

I am a 41 year old woman, divorced from my husband for 4 years now. I share custody of my young child with his father. In March of 2004, I started dating a man who is old enough to be my father. We were friends and our relationship started out as a curiosity and a need for affection that has now turned quite intimate. I have genuine feelings for this man. He is warm, kind, loving and understanding. He is 79! We are both very reluctant to divulge our clandestine relationship since he has a grown family who is very much involved in his life. I have a young child and we all live in a small town where everyone knows each other's families well. My father and this man are friends. My father would be upset if he found out. I do not want the gossip hurting my child if our relationship were ever exposed. I know this relationship has no future because of his advanced age, and also the social unacceptance of our age difference. I want so much to find someone who I can have a legitimate relationship and hopefully another child. This man has a significant amount of financial security. Although that is not a reason I see him, I can't help but think that I would not be included in his financial plan if anything should ever happen to him, and that thought brings me feelings of resentment. What does my future hold regarding this man? Should I terminate it now? Will I find a new love? My birthdate is 24 Jan. 1963 and his is 5 June 1925. Thank you,

 

Signed

"Desperately Seeking Your Advice"

 

 

Dear DSYA,

Hmmmm.

 

Social unaccptance of your age difference?

 

I would say that would be a more important issue if you were 14 and he was 28. I think you're probably projecting: you're worried about what you think about what you think other people may think about your relationship. That's complicated! But don't blame them for your fears, or you'll never get rid of them.

 

As for your respective families being upset? If this were the sole criteria by which the world were run, all the wars would stop because I am upset about them. At some point you're entitled to live your life your way, and last time I checked, that was at the age of 18. By the time you're 41, your parents, kids and friends have to live with your decisions. Touch noogies. They will still love you, and if they don't, they never did.

 

I know that deep within the human psyche we all have a need to be accepted by our tribe. But if your tribe is going to reject you for loving someone, then maybe you need to find a new tribe.

 

And "no future"? Have you noticed lately that he's alive?