Tough Time Growing Up

October 15, 2004

 

http://cainer.com/ericfrancis/oct15html

 

Dear Eric:

I have been going through a tough time lately, my life has never been what you would call easy. See I moved in with my friend and her family and things are not going how I imagined (not that anything does). I feel like I am stuck, I have gotten into two car accidents in the last seven months, and every time I think I take a step forward, it feels like I take three back. Am I making wrong decisions? Is there anything I can do to make my life a little easier? I don't have a father, my mother is disabled, and I have not been in a relationship for two years. I can’t understand why no one wants to be with me. I am an attractive girl, who gets admired often, but I have no one to call mine. And I have never been this lonely. I just want someone to share my life with and have someone to talk to. I don't really have any friends, beside the one I live with but she (Dec. 26, 1985, Coaldale, PA) has betrayed me over and over, to this day. I feel very alone and powerless, please give me some kind of guidance and direction.

 

Truly Lost

Lexxie

(Dec., 13, 1984, 9:33 a.m., Atlanta, GA)

 

 

Dear Lexxie,

The first thing I want to say is that this is a tough time to be growing up. I don't want to give a long whine about the Good Old Days When I Was a Kid, and besides, by then, the big changes (particularly an odd change in values, a sharp increase in the level of fear, radically increasing alienation due to technology, and fewer personal freedoms) all had already and long ago begun to take root in our Western societies. You, however, were raised up in the era of "Say No -- to Life." And now you have to say yes if you want to live well.

 

And you have had a double blow: arriving in a very difficult time in world history, and having such a difficult and isolated childhood and family situation. They are related. Our parents have not had such an easy time in the world. Some were not prepared to have children. They live on the planet too, and it's a real challenge here sometimes. You do, however, have one very important thing going for you: you KNOW your childhood was difficult. Most people think their childhood was fine and normal, and that means it often takes them a long time to address the issues that were created in childhood. You are also willing to admit you are struggling today. You can say the words out loud. If you can do that, you can hear yourself, respond, take action and get help.

 

Let me state this another way. Your ability to observe and state that you feel alone and powerless is actually a form of power. A great many people feel alone and powerless and have no idea what the problem is. Even people who are married, with families, can feel a deep degree of loneliness and isolation, and either not be cognizant of it, or not be allowed to have those feelings because, after all, they allegedly shouldn't have them. So you are free to have your experience, and free to state what you feel, and thus you are free to grow and change beyond your current situation. And I assure you, you can do this.

 

Before I get to your chart, which is well worth a look by the way, I want to pass along one idea that may help. On this planet, there is one value… one approach… that above all else helps you make your life better. It should be printed automatically on every astrological chart and on the back of every Chinese fortune. And that idea is practicing and cultivating the idea that you are not a victim. While there are many arguments to be made for victimization, and while people obviously do get victimized in this world, that is something apart from an individual voluntarily taking the position, like a yoga position, that 'I am not a victim of the world I see' or 'I am not a victim of my life'. This is like an invocation. You can add stuff to it: I am not a victim, therefore, I'm going to figure out how to go to college. I'm not a victim. I'm going to figure out how to feel better about myself even though my very definition of happiness involves having a partner. And so on.

 

Besides all which, you have something I call Sagittatitude. You are an example of the ultimate Sagittarian, and nothing is going to stop you in this life, so you might as well have fun not being stopped, and, taking that a few steps further, use your considerable creative power to change the world, which means to build a world around you that you can live in.

 

Your chart tells me you are a woman of the world. The concentration of planets across your 9th, 10th, 11th and 12th houses (in order, Pluto in Scorpio, Saturn later in Scorpio, Uranus, Sun and Mercury in Sagittarius, and Neptune and Jupiter in Capricorn) tells me you have big things to accomplish, and the resources to make this happen. This should tell just about any astrologer who sees your chart that you are a person who exemplifies the qualities of leadership, spiritual devotion and the drive to build community.

 

You may think: how can I do these things? There are two options: start where you are, or go someplace else. And it's always a good idea to start where you are and begin small, but with an eye toward bigger things. And sometimes you just have to make a big move.

 

Now, that's about the outer world. Your inner world is where the action is at the moment.

 

You are, at this moment, experiencing a very, very, very, very (and I mean it) challenging transit: You are born with Capricorn rising, and Chiron is now going over your ascendant. This is not chickenshit. This is astrology. And this won't happen again till you're around 70. And this astrology is here to point out something about the nature of your Capricorn ascendant, which is that it's often prone to a depressive view of life and this energy must be worked out, worked through and worked beyond. And it will give you experiences that basically guarantee that you will accomplish this. You will, during this phase of your life, never be able to deny what you feel. This is very good news on the planet, since most people around these parts are suffocating in psychological denial, a tool that we're taught to use just to get through the day.

 

Yet for you there is something more immediate, which is consciously claiming your life for your own. This is a revolutionary act! Chiron crossing one's ascendant, a situation that's been with you for about nine months and is now at its very peak, can create a crisis of existence: one may question one's right to exist, and may even feel like 'they don't exist'. And so your job at this point is to EXIST and claim back your life. Or to claim it for the first time. There are at least two ways to look at this: one is how to feel better. The other is how to claim your life -- a bigger leap, yes, a bigger responsibility, yes, but that's you: you are working on a high level in this lifetime. And when you make the leap, or even reach, you can count on your chart responding.

 

But at the moment, I would say that the Chiron in the ascendant transit is saying, and presenting the situations, for solving this equation: 'How would I live, if I really existed?'

 

One word about relationships. You are coming into your maturity. You are truly a young woman now. Your power is increasing; womanly power is an awesome force to be in possession of. And because you are in a powerful growth phase, aspects of your power that you don't know about are already going to change as well. If we study the relationship angle of your chart (7th house cusp), we learn some interesting things.

 

As a Capricorn rising, you have Cancer on the 7th house. For this, we look to the Moon, since the Moon rules Cancer. Your Moon is in Leo -- the heart of gold Moon. And, more to the point, your Moon is in the 8th house. This is the very most unusual house of the zodiac. It is about constant change, like your ego dies every day. And it is about power. In particular, the power of sex and money. You are a magnet for both. And plenty of both. The thing is that people can have weird reactions to your power. They might follow you down the block, or think you're so beautiful they're afraid to talk to you. Or treat you in odd ways that are based on their reaction to your power, most of which will be unconscious. Does any of this sound familiar?

 

Regarding this 8th house Moon, I suggest you really begin to notice the depth of people's emotional relationship to you; that is, their emotional experience (or trip) involving you. They may respond a lot more emotionally to you than you do to them, or there may be a kind of disconnect where it's hard to get both people feeling the same way. In a sense, you need to empathize with, and have compassion for, and take the lead, of their passion for you.

 

You have many planets in the fixed signs and, as a result, need to learn how to let your feelings move more easily.

 

If your chart has a liability, it is this. You don't have much in the water signs, which deal with the emotions. What you do have -- Saturn and Pluto in Scorpio -- are two planets that can create a depth of fear and insecurity that are very challenging to you and others. And they are in a fixed sign, which does not grant emotional mobility -- the freedom to feel what you feel from moment to moment in an easy way. Plus, with Venus and Mars in Aquarius, your mind is active, very active, and you are extremely intelligent -- so intelligent that you have to get your mind out of the way and just dive into the experience of feeling, with the trust that you won't drown. There will be people in your life who feel so much, and so strongly for you, that they will lead the way, if you will only follow. But it's important to avoid, or handle very consciously, relationships where a theme is power struggle. This can take quite a bit of learning.

 

In summary, Lexxie, this is a time of major passage for you, of forming your individuality and your true identity -- and I suggest you make it a rite of passage: make some important decisions, including deciding what you want out of life, and getting up every day and saying 'It's my life'. Whisper, so your soul can hear it.