Relationships
October 1, 2004
http://cainer.com/ericfrancis/oct1.html
Hello Eric Angel:
My question to you relates to intimate relationships. In the past I have been
able to commit to several relationships with men that have lasted four or
years. And then I have always felt the need to leave in order to keep growing.
It seems that for the past five years that the more I go into the fullness of
myself, the idea of a committing to a lasting relationship with one man seems
less natural. Not even authentic. I wonder if this is a convenient smoke screen
I have erected to protect my wounds or an evolutionary truth that hasn't
settled into a comfortable position yet. The only thing I am committed to is
following this path of mine, which is unfortunately quite poorly lit at times,
and unpaved too. And disappointingly only wide enough for one. What think you?
Have I gone off the map? Has the ego taken over? My stats; June 25, 1968
Angie
Dear Angie,
Lose no sleep: you're definitely off the map of our society-- or rather, off of
one map and onto another. I'll come to your chart in a moment -- a personal
map, by the way, that you are definitely ON. Let's start with contemplating a
widely-held belief within our culture and many cultures: that people are made
to couple up with one other individual and, like a pair of oxygen molecules,
float around the universe as one person forever.
Some people do a pretty good job with this model. I know
some happily coupled people. Most of them have to work at it, though. Others
find being with one person exclusively to be seriously compromising of their
growth. Stability at all costs can be very compromising of growth, and
conversely, growth 'threatens' stability, or it seems to unless two people can
really agree on what it means to become, together, and give one another a lot
of room to be themselves. (That is called love.) Many, many people are
pretending to be monogamous -- no judgments here, we do what we can, and what
we must -- but let's keep the relationship discussion real. Affairs are rampant
within monogamous culture.
The thing to remember is that there is no mandatory model of
relating, no matter what our parents, the local priest or anyone else says. The
other thing to remember is that our society -- Western society, that is,
including everything from Pepsi commercials to our friends -- usually insists
that we do things the normal way, and can make us feel like the universe is
going to come off the rails if someone makes an original decision where their
private relationship life is concerned.
Astrology has a lot to say about this. Implied in every
chart is the statement that every person is a unique individual and must
navigate, negotiate and create their life their original way. I call this part
of the inherent wisdom of astrology. Every chart is unique. Every person is
unique. And there are many ways in life to express oneself. There are 12
houses, 12 signs and many planets, and these go off in every direction.
To respond to your question directly, no, I don't think that
you're making a smoke screen to protect your wounds. Rather, I think you have
made a discovery about yourself. And I would add that you are a brave person to
put your need and desire into words.
I hear yourself saying that you must make your own way in
life, without a primary partner. Presumably, though, you're going to need
companionship, and you're going to want sex. If these are true, then you face
the journey of negotiating your arrangement with each person you know. In a
sense, every relationship becomes negotiable, boundaries become movable, and
definitions like friend and lover can begin to blur. This is part of the
unpaved path of which you speak.
As for the chart: in the space I have, I'll focus on two
aspects. The first is that you have late Pisces in the ascendant (the
next-to-last degree), in which we do a lot of self-creating. Right there, you
have Chiron in early Aries rising. The late degrees of Pisces rising last about
15 minutes, while Chiron in Aries went on for about eight years. That one
placement has shaped an entire generation. It is about a nearly endless quest
for self-identity. It is the search for meaning in the words I Am. The
previous, slightly older generation of Chiron in Pisces defines its search for
self in much more collective terms: there is a cosmic quest, a search for
faith, the need to participate in the planetary awakening. Chiron in Aries,
which defined what some historians have termed the Me Generation, is far more
individualistic. And you embody this generational placement very personally.
You with me so far? I thought so.
When it's lived out well, Chiron in Aries will find itself
at any cost. But this process of finding oneself can be very complicated and
it's not particularly well supported by the world, except in the abundant
opportunities available on the planet to bang into people and things. Then,
every now and then, a door opens; a key turns; a teacher or partner arrives; a
miracle happens. Chiron in Aries has that bit of 'dragon luck' when it counts
the most. Meanwhile, Chiron rising (which can occur when Chiron is in any sign
-- this part is based solely on the birth time), will struggle with the right
to exist, or the question of existence until it comes round right. When lived
out as an injury, Chiron in Aries will negate its own existence, or will live
like the struggle to find oneself can never end and never be resolved. So
there's a choice involved in the placement; or perhaps a choice at every
opportunity that exists where one may either stand fully in his or her own
life, or make a compromise and give up part of their soul.
I think from your letter it's clear what direction you are
taking this choice.
Second, equally interesting, if not more so. People who
don't follow the language of astrology, let the words evoke something if you
can: your 4th house of security and emotional wellbeing is a very interesting
place. In it dwells a tight cluster of planets: Moon, Mars, Sun, and Venus. The
Moon is in the end of Gemini, so close to the end that you have to divide the
zodiac into about 10,000 slices to measure it accurately. It is dangling quite
literally in the last minutes of its transit through Gemini, and moved into
Cancer before you left the delivery room. Interesting, yes? Then, immediately
following that, is a cluster of the Sun, which is the primary planet of
identity, grouped with Mars and Venus, the planets that represent gender
polarity, duality, sex and the two big ways that one can express desire:
actively or receptively.
All of this is placed in the most emotional house, the 4th.
The implication is that you embody a quest for security at the same time you
live on a razor's edge of security.
Because the Moon is so close to the end of Gemini and the
Sun so close to the beginning of Cancer, your are born in the last moments of a
lunar cycle, and the New Moon that happened about six hours after you were born
was with the Sun close to the solstice, the beginning of summer. This tells me
that the story of THE END is told in your relationship with security; there is
something about letting go of false security or that sense of clinging, and
plunging into the real thing.
Security about what? About your own existence; about
defining your existence; about expressing the truth of who you are with a kind
of urgency that would scare the wits out of most people. And it seems to me
that this describes your desire to be an independent person, and the sole
person to whom you answer.
One last thing: you're not the only person going through
this. People from every generation alive on the planet today, and many before,
and many many many today, are working with and at times wresting with these
questions. You are not alone, and working toward your independence does not
mean you need to be. But as you say, you are striking forth in the wilderness.
Bring some good tools. Get to know the natives. Keep a diary.
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