Here is the NEW part two... link back to part one, new edition,is below. Have I ever mentioned I have an unexpressed lactation fetish?
Options to Romance by Eric Francis, part two, L-Z Photo of Tia masturbating by Maria Henzler. Options to Romance and "alternalove" are copyright ©1999 by Eric Francis and Planet Waves Digital Media, all rights reserved. "something, someone, some spirit was pursuing all of us across the desert of
life and was bound to catch us before we reached heaven" - KerouacBACK to Part One, New Edition l Lactation. Secretion of milk from the breasts, usually around and after childbirth by a woman. Drinking and playing with human milk can be part of sex play or sexual ritual, as well as a theme of sexual fantasies and fetishes. Though rarely spoken of, some nursing women find the experience of giving milk to the child to be emotionally and even sexually gratifying. Also see breast.
Libido drop. [[Happens to guys after they cum. Associated with a few things, including their loss of dfesire to drink their own semen. Documented, at least in the "anecdotal literature" believe it or not. Needs real definition...]]
Links. Here is an assortment of sex-positive links officially endorsed by Planet Waves. Most of these pages have pages with links to other pages, so you can surf for years. These are not porno sites, and they are all free (with the exception of Match.com, which is cheap).
Susie Bright Homepage. Susie Sexpert, a/k/a Susie Bright, is the author of some funny, informative books, including Susie Sexpert's Lesbian Sex World, as well as editor of the Herrotica series, and is a sweetheart of the out sex culture. She always has fun new stuff coming out, and writes a great column for Salon. Her views cut through the bullshit we've all been tought about sex in an exciting and inviting way. She writes a weekly column that you'll probably really dig. It's free on her web page.
Alternatives to Marriage.
All About Sex. This is a volunteer, noncommercial site aimed at informing teenagers about sexuality. There is a chat room and lots of other information.
Radical Honesty. Brad Blanton, a Gestalt therapist from Virginia, is author of a book by the same title. This whole domain is not so much about sex as it is about an important state of mind that makes authentic relationships and sexual relationships possible.
Betty Dodson Online. Betty is the Grandmother of Masturbation, but she's also its sister, brother, cousin and buddy. A brief bio of Betty can be found under Dodson, Betty. Her page is very, very popular, and it's extensive with a lot of information and writing by Betty, including excerpts from her new memoirs. There is ordering information about her excellent videos. Betty still does one-on-one orgasm coaching sessions for women, sometimes for men and occasionally for couples.
Sexuality.org. San Francisco-based web site, updated daily, with a wide variety of articles, links, artwork and other stuff. A great example of West Coast (as opposed to New York, Midwestern or Southern) sexual values.
The Solo Homepage. This is a noncommercial site dedicated to masturbation by men and by women, as well as masturbating together. It is excellent. Includes free email personals for making friends with others who share interest in this subject.
Club Stroke. This is a partly-commercial web page dedicated to masturbation, and though most submissions are by men, they are woman-friendly and seeking submissions from the female species. Includes email addresses of enthusiasts connected to many of the stories, with whom you may correspond.
Loving More Magazine. The best and most open-minded information about polyamory that I'm currently aware of can be found here. This is the homepage for a national magazine linking up the polyamorous community. Includes information on the two summer Loving More conferences, one of which is in NY State and the other in northern California. The conferences are excellent, though reserve early.
Love Without Limits. This is created by Deborah Anapol, a psychologist and author of Love Without Limits and Polyamory: The New Love Without Limits.
Match.com. Recommended by Sexuality.org as the best personals site on the net. It's inexpensive, popular, and utilizes a very sophisticaed computer system to narrow searches to people in your area and range of sexual preferences, including things like smoking, drinking and body size.Long-distance relationship. Relationship conducted at a distance, usually considered more than convenient driving range. They used to occur most frequently between people separated by warfare or other military obligations, high school sweethearts separated when they went away to college, or between people shuffled around the country by the corporate job-transfer mills.
.......Yet with the advent of the Internet, many human contacts now begin as long-distance relationsips, sometimes called LDRs. Indeed, connecting from remote locations has become exceedingly commonplace, and has evolved into a kind of culture of its own. All kinds of people meet online, and since the Net is a virtual or holograpic world where, within its own sphere, distance does not impede communication, people from anywhere and everywhere can meet, usually through chat rooms, message boards, mailing lists, personal ads, web pages, gaming areas, and the like.
.......In theory, these relationships exist in cyberspace, but really they are complex emotional experiences within the participants. Many report that the connections spill over into the realm of dreams and psychic dimensions of life, an indication that working on the Net enhances our sensitivity and openness to these ranges of communication, if for no other reason than out of necessity, much the way blind people report developing enhanced hearing.
.......A variety of concerns are raised by long-distance relationships, particularly those born online, as are some practical considerations. For one thing, it's now possible to have complex and intense relationships behind the back of one's primary partner without ever leaving the house. A great many people find themselves in this situation, and it triggers ethical issues involving disclosure of the online relationship to the primary partner, as well as raising questions about whether the online relationship is 'real.' However, the feelings and responses are indeed real, and often online relationships can have a profound impact on primary partnerships, as well as create considerable cause for guilt if the relationship remains secret.
.......Another concern is that of availability. Many people meet others whom they feel are soulmates online, but often one soulmate lives in Dallas when one lives in Bozeman, and often this soulmate is married with three kids. Here we get another form of absence, one of the blocks to expression of erotic energy.
.......Then there is the concern about how people express themselves in person versus how they express themselves on the Internet, including the obvious question (prior to phone contact being made) as to whether one's partner is who per says per is. A person with enough life experience can represet perself as anything from a hot nineteen year old in Las Vegas to a Stock Broker in Seattle, and for a while, anyway, this is who you're on with, whether it is true or not. In more, subtle situations, all kinds of misrepresentations are possible, since the absence of eye contact and body language, and reliance upon subtle-level communicataion for contact, is not entirely reliable, and it is possible to lie.
.......The speed of communication is enhanced, and for the first time it is possible to write back and forth twenty times in a day, to relay visual images instantly, and to have these communications documented in two or more locations. The psychic tone of the Net can have a cold and flat quality, meaning that all communications are occuring in a space where considerable distortion from the range of normal emotional contact is possible and indeed inevitable.
.......People engaging in online relationships need to remember that they are pioneers in a new dimension of reality, or perhaps several, given the Net's tendency to open up other frequencies of communication apparently natural to the psyche. The Internet is a holographic world, though granted, currently a crude one, yet it meets all of the requirements: it has no central location, distance is not a factor, it can manifest many places at once, it is a kind of illusion, and it can be accessed equally well from millions of locations. The Net is truly the first sphere of astral consciousness we all can agree is really here, and where we can meet dependably. What we are now doing on a daily basis in cyberspace just ten years ago would have sounded like the most astonishing science fiction, and hence, we are actually living and interacting in the future. It would be wise to take it slowly, learn the territory, document our experiences, and remember that we are doing something new under the Sun. See also, cybersex.Love. mmm
Lover. One with whom one is having sex. Some use it to designate a committed partner, others an extramarital partner. It has a European flavor. In the States,we tend to say 'boyfriend' or 'girlfriend.' See also friend.
m Marriage. Reputed to be a sacred, lifelong, legal bond between a man and a woman, it is still illegal for homosexuals to marry, so in my mind the whole concept is so discriminatory as to be a legal nullity. It rarely lasts a lifetime, though the divorce statistics are driven ever-upward by people who attempt matrimony five times. According to Love Radical C.T. Butler (author of Food Not Bombs), when he researched the State of Vermont's marriage law, he came up with some archaic statute, still on the books, that said essentially, 'At marriage, the man and the woman will become as one, and the one will be the man.' Marriage involves 'civil death,' in which a woman traditionally loses her independent citizenship and becomes Mrs. John Smith. Were I an attorney, I would like to test out a case of a woman suing for divorce under the 13th Amendment to the federal constitution.
Masturbation. Pleasuring and/or making love to oneself, this activity follows people from the earliest days of childhood to the last days of old age. In recent years, an understanding seems to be developing that this is not an immitation of sex, but rather an aspect of sexuality deserving of respect and honest exploration. Masturbation is the most basic primal sexuality, and it is homosexual. Therefore, the primal level sexuality of human beings is homosexual; this may account for the taboos we have seen develop around the subject and the activity itself. Since till recently, homosexuality was deemed a psychological disorder, perhaps it's not a coincidence that masturbation was also deemed a psychiatric disorder and a means of causing physical degeneration. This judgment was leveled upon humanity by the married, white, male, aristocratic High Priests of medical science, and by the white, male church fathers, and strict prohibitions against this activity were leveled particularly upon women. The word was defined till recently in the stalwart Oxford English Dictionary as 'self-abuse,' with no reference made to the deeply pleasurable, life-affirming, emotional exploration and psychic release that it can be. Extensive information, stories, accounts of sharing masturbation, essays on technique and full masturbation autobiographies of, by and for men and women, are available at the The Solo Homepage and Club Stroke. There is extensive, honest and much 'first-hand' information at Betty Dodson Online as well.
Menarche. Beginning of menstruation, typically occuring in girls between 11 and 14 years old. Earlier menarche, common in recent decades and beginning as early as 8 years old, has been blamed, probably accurately, on the astonishing levels of hormone pollution loose in the environment today. Most pollutants, from PCBs to heavy metals, act in the body like the female sex hormone estrogen, and this happens in an environment in which hormones are added as drugs to most meat and some vegetables. See xenoestrogenic compounds.
Menstruation. Bleeding and shedding of the endometrium (uterine lining) from the uterus through the vagina on an approximately monthly basis, as part of the fertility cycle of women. It has a variety of purposes, including cleansing and refreshing the interior of the womb in preparation for impregnation. Downplayed and degraded in our culture, views in other societies range from menstruation as a time of enhanced power and awareness, to a resting phase, to a time to retreat with other women. Sex during menstruation is harmless and is a matter of preference of both partners. Some women are extremely horny when menstruating. Sex during menstruation would be in the realm of risky sex, since blood conducts viruses quite well.
Midwife. Practitioner in the Wise Woman tradition who assists other women with fertility, pregnancy and childbirth. In American culture there are two kinds: 'lay midwives,' who typically do not have professional medical certifications, and get their training from traditional sources such as literature, mentors, and experience; and 'nurse midwives,' who are formally educated in school and possess some form of medical license. Midwives generally do home births or work in private birth clinics in states where either may be legal; more commonly, nurse midwives will be available to work in birthing rooms of hospitals, with an obstetrician on hand in case of an emergency. Home births are becoming an increasingly underground movement in the United States. There is also a group of Certified National Midwives (CPM) who are liscensed in some states. They are generally traditionally trained and do home births. Western medicine, which is dominated by men, has been responsible for an decline and discrediting of midwiffery in this century, thus reducing birth to a cold, hostile and frequently very dangerous medical procedure. Recent assaults on the craft have also been responsible for a decline in availability of lay midwives, who have, in most states, been required to train as nurses and seek licensure, or be forced to retire. However, it is possible to find real midwives, though you will have to look carefully, and to work with them, they will have to trust you as much as you will have to trust them.
Mirror masturbation. This experience takes selfloving and self-pleasuring to a deeply conscious level, in which one becomes full witness to, and participant in, one's own erotic pleasure, sexual responses, emotional surrender, and, at times, sorrow. Often an unexpectedly profound and pleasurable experience for solo sex, this is a most important and enlightening practice for those on the path of sexual awareness, or any form of spiritual growth and self-exploration besides the most consersavite. It can be a catalyst in breakthroughs to self-awareness, self-esteem, personal confidence and orgasmic depth. All of these things lead us ever-closer to true intimacy, the blocks to which can be uncovered quite directly in mirror masturbation experiences, whether the experiences are assisted or happen alone.
.......Much of what we are dealing with in life and in sexuality are masks of false identity -- what some people call 'ego' and others 'personas.' In deep sexual experiences, the ego can suddenly fall away and yeild to the presence of a more compelling loving force, literally, a sensibility in the presence of which love becomes inevitable. Almost exclusively, we invite this experience with other people rather than with ourselves; in their exposure and vulnerability, we cannot help but love them, and in our vulnerability, they cannot help but love us. This is one reason why it is so easy to fall in love through a series of authentic sexual experiences. When the love of the other is withdrawn, we often lose the enhanced sense of existence that the profound sense of being seen helped to create, and hence we can suffer a blow that sense of existence created through the relationship.
.......Rarely do we turn this liberating experience of awareness toward ourselves. Western thinking, influenced by the Greek and Judeo-Christian traditions and many others, has taken a harsh position on selfloving and selfpleasuring, keeping it as closeted and limited as possible, and associating it with humiliation rather than humility. Masturbation is considered in everything from fashion magazines to religious literature to be selfish and greedy, and it is a clear violation of the reprosex-only dictum, since pregnancy is impossible. Masturbation, and thus the whole experience of sex-for-pleasure of which masturbation is the epicenter, is made into a cause for embarrassment. The result has been a raging epidemic of sexual guilt, shame and self-hatred that expands into almost all areas of life.
.......Mirror masturbation experiences can initiate the process of going clear through this mental and emotional debris, straight to the heart of the selflove that is at the core of all love, and straight to the experience of the self that, as an erotic being, is at the core of all other erotic and creative experiences.
.......There are a number of ways to begin exploring, but as a general guideline, gentleness, compassion and taking it slow are sound practices. The idea will have immediate appeal to some people, will ignite curiosity in others, and a variety of 'neutral' or blatantly negative reactions in some others. Whatever your reaction, consider how innocent and natural an act of self-awareness this really is.
.......One possibility is to explore alone, nude, in a full-size mirror. If you typically have fantasies of pleasuring or being pleasured by other people, allow the visual image of yourself to become the subject of your desire and sharing. Both watch and be watched by this person; see and be seen. Allow yourself to be turned on by the visual experiences of nudity and erotic pleasure, eye contact, and vocal contact with yourself. Loosen up your face and watch your full range of expressions, exploring new ones as the feeling moves you. Take the experience as far as you wish, and explore, if you can, the visual experience of yourself in orgasm with your eyes open (to see yourself come with your eyes closed, you will need to ask someone to photograph you).
.......A second possibility is to use a mirror large enough only for your face, which would probably best be hung in a position where you can see yourself from a close perspective and in a comfortable position. This experience will seem more loving and intimate rather than explicitly sexual, since the visual cues of nudity and watching your hands touching yourself will be missing. Connect with the person you are seeing, and explore the stream of faces that go past your vision as you move through deeper levels of surrender. Say what you can, or what you need, to yourself. Get to know the person who is looking back at you, and feel the person within you who is witnessing your reflection. It may be possible to have an experience of full integration of these two seemingly separate beings, much as we seek in meditation to experience divine oneness.
.......A third possibility is to try these experiences in the presence of a friend or lover. Your witness is primarily in a position of providing support, feedback and practical assistance with things like lube or sex toys. But he or she will probably have a distinct effect of catalyzing your surrender, and it may be possible to go deeper into yourself with a witness present than without. You will need to experiement. One benefit of exploring with a witness is that, during or after the experience, you will be able to get a more objective description of you and your journey. If you feel like sharing as the experience is happening, you will have someone to do that with. If you choose not to be alone, you will need to decide whether you want the company of someone of the same gender or the opposite gender. Keep in mind that this person will accompany you through one of your most vulnerable experiences, so choose carefully.
.......Group experiences are also possible. Individuals in polyamorous experiences might find it beneficial to experiment with mirror masturbation in the presence of all the lovers in an intimate network or extended relationship. This process will help cultivate and enhance the sense of nonattachment and sexual autonomy that is necessary in multiple partner situations.
.......Remember that in all of these experiences, you are opening up new pathways within yourself, and entering an altered state of consciousness. It is not possible to predict how you will react, though the great majority of experiences have had loving and positive results. Slowly, you will penetrate your negative judgments, sexual guilt and shame, body issues and your sense of feling unlovable, if you experience any of these difficulties. Give yourself time, try again, try different settings, and confide only in those who you feel are compassionate and loving toward you.Misogyny. ff
Monogamy. Frequently seen as more of a moral imperative than an actual choice, monogamy is currently understood to mean having sex with one partner during a phase of life. Really, this is serial monogamy, in which one has a series of partners rather than concurrent partners. True monogamy is lifelong marriage to one person who is the only sexual partner in this lifetime, and is extremely rare in our age of history. However, even serial monogamy is fairly rare, as between 25% and 75% of supposedly monogamous people, according to almost every survey ever conducted, report that they cheat on their partner at some time during the relationship. A great majority of the rest contemplate sex that they never experience, or have experiences that theoretically 'don't count' as sex, such as kissing, petting and oral sex.
.......Western culture has held it as an unquestionable fact that those who desire to stray from monogamy are less morally virtuous than those who fight to stay with one partner exclusively. Rarely in American culture has this assumption been questioned, as common as it is for people to stray from their primary relationship to fulfill obvious and often undeniable sexual needs and desires. In other cultures, such as France, it is assumed that married people will have lovers, and more than 99% of all species are not monogamous, according to genetic testing. It is therefore unlikely, given the loneliness, the emotional intensity and the psychological complexity of most humans, that there is any kind of biological imperative for monogamy. Indeed, it has largely been the deceptions of the Christian movement, and the prejudices of the psychiatric community that have, generation after generation to the present day, made people feel sick and degraded for desiring sex outside their primary partnership.
.......Thankfully, the last thirty years have seen considerable exploration and development of open relationship models, including polyamory, panfidelity, swinging, group masturbation and others.n Natal chart. Birth is an important moment in the reproductive process, and .
Nipple clamp. Plastic or metal clip used on the nipple during sex or s/m play. It is intense stimulation at the point of the spectrum where pleasure meets pain, and the experience of being clamped can lead to a submissive emotional posture.
Nonattachment.
Non-ejaculation. See Tantra.
Nose. ..
o Obscenity. [new edition exists at compersion.net as "And There Was Nothing"] A vaguely-defined legal term suggestive of when something is too sexually explicit, or in violation of community standards, to be legally permissible. But in a culture with a higher legal standard of freedom of expression, this is a very difficult concept to define without marring or directly curtailing the freedom to create art or literature. The famous federal case defining the issue is Miller v. California (1973), which holds that something is obscene if three conditions are found by the jury to be met simultaneously: (1) If the predominant theme is 'prurient' according to the sensibilities of the average person of the community. ('Prurient' is defined in Roth v United States (1957) either as having a tendency to incite lusful thoughts, or a shameful and morid interest in sex. But this would need to be determined by a jury, and a jury in Manhattan would have one standard while one in Alabama would have another. So right away, 'prurient' is impossble to define.) And, (2) It must depict sexual conduct in a patently offensive way, and, (3) Taken as a whole (that is to say, not with one part taken out of context), the work in question must lack serious literary, artistic, political or scientific value. All three conditions must be met before something can be deemed obscene by a court of law.
.......Different standards have been attempted over the centuries and decades, all of them arbitrary, value-laden, culturally specific, and essentially meaningless. In this century, in this nation, there have been obscenity prosecutions over books including Naked Lunch by William Burroughs and the epic Beat Generation poem Howl by Allen Ginsberg, neither of which were successful. The Grapes of Wrath, The Catcher in the Rye, and a wide variety of other books have been accuesed of failing to meet public standards for decency, yet these works, too, are available and widely-regarded as excellent literature and significant historical documents.
.......The late Potter Stuart, an esteemed jurist of the Supreme Court, in admitting his inability to formulate a coherent standard for obscenity, wrote in a ruling, 'I can't say what it is, but I know it when I see it.' Perhaps he can't say what it is because to do so, and then to distribute His Honor's wisdom to school children who should, of course, be informed of society's standards of decency, would be to commit the act in question, revealing how hopeless it is to ban ideas or words. In his nonfiction book The Bretheren, Bob Woodward (journalist, author and editor of Watergate fame) describes the 70-year-old justices of the Supreme Court sitting around the court chambers watching pornographic movies that had been submitted in evidence, deciding whether they were actually obscene enough to be put on trial.Occult. That which is hidden behind something else, usually referring to subjects such as sorcery, witchcraft and Freemasonry; yet it also applies to sexuality, since accurate information about sexuality is frequently concealed from public availability, and the entire subject is obscured in ways that would, at least until recently, have received the highest praises of the most obsessively secretive occultists of centuries past.
Open relationship. Any form of acknowledged non-monogamous relationship, which can include polyamory, open marriage, panfidelity, and others. The key idea, regardless of the format, is that sexual and affectual connections with people besides the primary partner are not conducted in secret; such would be more along the lines of an affair or cheating, rather than open.
Oral fixation. ...
Oral sex. Contact of the mouth to the genitals or the anus. It is widely practiced, and its prevalence in this culture exposes a schism between our prevailing feelings of being 'dirty and disgusting down there,' and desiring, often with great passion, to both give and receive this experience. The fact that both mental realities exist simultaneously in so many people coincides with pathological notions typical of how we perceive sexuality in Western culure.
.......Many people from a variety of generations consider oral sex to be non-sex. President Clinton raised this issue at his impeachment trial, in which he was accused of perjuring himself before a federal court when he denied having had sex with Monica Lewinsky, but was discovered to have received blow-jobs from her. In most states, oral sex is considered sexual intercourse for the purposes of statutory rape (sex with an under-aged person) and other legal purposes; it is clearly a form of sexual penetration. It is even illegal in some states, which is called consensual sodomy.
.......Oral sex in the human species has no apparent reproductive purpose. It exists purely for pleasure, which makes it a source of moral controversy.Orgasm. This is an experience of emotional and psychological surrender, usually found in sexual activity, though also in dreams. Everyone knows that it's called the "little death" in French, but it's really an affirmation of life. It is a form of release of ego consciousness or mind control, into a space of bliss, or the self experienced as bliss. Most people describe orgasm as ecstatic, which really means 'moving,' so it's another way of saying the spirit moves. The surrender is to oneself, but this can be emotionally colored or thematically enhanced by the presence of another person, or other people, who themselves can experience the surrender or ecstatic state by empathy [see: compersion].
.......There are lots of kinds of orgasms, though several distinct species I have noticed include: solo orgasms, partnersex orgasms, and witnessed orgasms in which the other person is just watching. The feeling of orgasm can be very different depending on whether a male or female is present, or one or more people. It is fun and healthy to experiment.
.......If you suspect you have never had an orgasm, you are not alone. I suggest you get yourself a copy of Sex for One by Betty Dodson, and check out her fine video, Celebrating Orgasm, which features a variety of women of all ages having their first orgasms in one-on-one sessions with our sexual grandmother.Orgasm coaching. Technique invented by Betty Dodson in which the practitioner assists and guides the client through masturbation and orgasm. Usually it is sought out by women who have never experienced sexual climax, a situation sometimes called pre-orgasmic. In this aspet of sexwork, the practitioner is dressed, the client is nude, and the contact between the two is professional rather than emotional in nature. But the orgasm coach must have a good sense of empathy and compassion, and be familiar with the inner territory of sexual repression and healthy sexual response. The coach must also be familiar with a wide range of sexual subjects that might come up in the session and be a good listener. This technique is described in the video Celebrating Orgasm, available by mail order through Betty Dodson Online or at Good Vibrations in San Francisco.
Orgy. Generic and somewhat insensitive word applied to any form of group sex, usually by those who have never experienced it.
Orwell, George. British author (1903-1950), pen name for Eric Arthur Blair, a former police officer, whose works include 1984 and Amimal Farm. Much of 1984 is an astute commentary on sexuality, love and the nature of the police state, referred to as Big Brother or the Party. Orwell comments that unlike his lead character Winston Smith, Julia, Smith's young lover, "Had grasped the inner meaning of the Party's sexual puritanism. It was not merely that the sex instinct created a world of its own which was outside the Party's control, and therefore had to be destroyed if possible. What was more important was that sexual privation induced hysteria, which was desirable because it could be transformed into war-fever and leader-worship." For his bio, go here.
Osho (Bhagwhan Shree Rajneesh, 1931-1990). Tantric teacher and guru from India whose ashrams in Pune, India and Oregon were famous worlds of human exploration and experimentation. Osho's teaching can be summed up as sex equals life, therefore liberating sex equals liberating life. His journey on Earth ended on a harsh note, though the story is complex, and through interviews with people close to him I have seen that there has been considerable distortion of the truth. This bio may help clarify. Also see writeup in Comes Naturally <link pending>.
p Pagan. An early fertility religion, found across the cultures and the eras of history, with primal roots in human consciousness. It is not a single cult but rather a global phenomenon.
Parents.
Partners. This is a word they use frequently Out Left, where there's lots of space and the air is groovy. It replaces 'boyfriend' 'girlfriend,' 'wife,' 'husband,' 'him,' 'her,' and 'that.' It actually sounds pretty cool when people from places like Boulder or San Francisco say it with an authentic egalitarian ring.
Past-life lovers. gg
Pod. This would be like, four couples get together and have a long-term committed relationship. It has definite science fiction possibilities.
Polyfidelity. As opposed to infidelity, this is the idea of being in harmony with multiple partners, originally thought of as a sexually fidelitous group of partners all of whom are on equal terms (or, all of whom are primary partners). Along with the word compersion, this idea was developed in the Kerista intentional community in the 1970s, where the members lived polyfidelitously and shared money.
Polyamory. This is the word for the modern out-of-the-closet lifestyle in whichrajneesh.htm practitioners admit to having sexual and affectionate relationships with more than one person simultaneously. It was coined by a man named Oberon. These relationships take many different forms, but the important distinction is between situations where the information is out and clear, and those involving what is called cheating, which really means secrecy, violating commitments, lying to oneself and to others. Polyamory is an umbrella term that covers a variety of forms of human connection. For example, there are forms of relationship in which three people relate, or in which two couples relate. More common are intimate networks involving a community, or virtual community, of people within which there are any number of non-secret cross-relationships. This seems to be a rather natural way for people to relate. In all forms of polyamory, the implication is that the relationships are conducted in the open rather than in secret.
Pot. Marijuana. Works alternately as a sexual stimulant and sexual depressant. Depends on what kind you get, how you use it, and your psychic and spiritual constitution. Remember, the best pot is always free. The homeopathic works describe cannabis indica (a common strain of marijuana now cross-bred with most decent herb) is a remedy associated with an adolescent identity crisis -- the basic search for the self. Its properties, as reported by the homeopathic physicians, include psychic mobility, euphoria (sense of total well being), creative stimulation, paranoia and fear of drowning. There is a massive shall we say grassroots political movement to legalize the stuff.
Primary Partner. In current polyamorous coinage, the first order or highest rank among one's multiple relationships; one's main squeeze, if you will. There could also be "secondary" and "tertiary" relationships as well. There are vocal elements in the poly community who oppose any such distinctions as reflective of inequality, and conduct their multiple relationships on equal terms rather than in a pecking order (please see: polyfidelity).
Projection. Seeing yourself in someone else -- your faults, your virtues, your desirability -- you name it. There is an old Yiddish proverb: 'We don't see things as they are, we see them as we are.' Most of what we call perception is really projection. It is projection that creates the 'mirror effect' in relationships, and projection that is responsible for what most people suffer though, affair after affair, and why we so often experience the same thing in a continuing succession of relationships. Learning to call our projections back in, and take ownership of what we are casting out into and onto the world, is an interesting ane worthwhile project. Yet indeed, it may be totally impossible to do so, and we may need to learn that everything we see, hear, feel and touch in the world around us is some form of projection.
Prostitution. Normally thought to pertain to a kind of criminal activity in which, typically, a woman gets paid to be sexual with a man. For more information about this kind of prostitution, see sex worker.
.......The more pervasive, and subversive, varieites of prostitution involve someone attaching any economic value whatsoever to their choice to give sexual consent. Economic inequity has led many, if not most, women into this situation. Marriage, for example, is intentionaly structured in such a way that, in exchange for theoretically exclusive access to her sexual favors and equipment, a woman is provided by a man with shelter, transportation, children and support for her children, along with a wide variety of other perks which provide for her needs and desires, depending on the situation.
......Outside the sanctity of marriage, we have all witnessed or been involved with countless situations in which a direct economic value is ascribed to sex, whether it be choosing to engage a more affluent partner based on no factor other than money, or the expectation of a fine dinner and wine in what amounts to an unspoken, but clear exchange of monetary value for sexual experience. It is so commonplace as to be nearly invisible, though only to the blind..Prurient. See obscenity.
Pussy power. The power of the pussy and of female sexuality in general, typically one of the few powers women hold over men. Biological, emotional and psychological in nature, it exists in a dynamic, that is to say, intense relationship, with the power that men hold over women, principally economic, political and physical prowess. In a society where, on the surface, anyway, rape is not tolerated, the right of a woman to say no to sex creates a game in which getting her to say yes vests considerable authority in her hands.
......The scent of a woman and of her vulva, as well as the pleasures that can be found in her sharing herself, are indeed a powerful force in the mental, physical and emotional realms. Many young women discover that their pussy is fully redeemable for anything in the known universe. It can be used to create an enchantment, a magic power that casts a spell of desire over men. But having yeilded to using this power (rather than, say, straight communication), many women find themselves entirely at its mercy; it often backfires, and women become slaves to their own strength, and may soon discover that, once other dependencies set in, such as emotional bonding and the need for the financial security that many women seek (and find) in men, pussy power is meaningless. Use of pussy power creates the very physical objectification that so many women rail against, reducing them to the sex objects they are terrified of being, and so often, turned on by being. Hence, use of pussy power walking straight into the den of contradiction and hypocrisy.r Race. Is this bullshit, or what? I don't think so. Are you comfortable going into it? How does your mom or
Raw-dogging. Fucking without a condom. Apparently a literary reference to frankfurters.
Reich, Wilhelm. Austrian-born social theorist, medical doctor and psychoanalyst, one-time brightest student of Dr. Sigmund Freud, the appropriately-titled Father of Psychoanalysis. Known for his iconoclastic -- that is, systems-busting -- ideas, Reich proposed a psychoanalytic theory in which all neuroses and psychoses were powered by an engine of sexual distortion, repression or frustration. In other words, he felt that repeated sexual release was the key to mental and physical healing, particularly deeply disturbed people. Reich was one of the few founders of psychoanalysis to take sex as a real rather than a symbolic experience, and to propose the use of sexual stimulation in the healing process. A highly controversial figure who was sure his ideas would save the world, he died in federal prison (after a brutal legal battle with the US Food and Drug Administration over his proposed, and apparently successful, cures for cancer) nearly half a century ago; his notebooks were burned in the New York City trash incinerator. His books survive, and are still in print, in English translations.
Rejection. fff
Religion. This is a cosmology, conspiracy or philosophy of nature which generally dictates that humanity is against nature, because the vast majority of religions preach, teach and symbolically imprint that what is natural is evil. I am specifically talking about sex and human love, though I could come up with a dozen other examples without even having to do research, including the (apparently ongoing) debate over whether the world is round or flat. Most religions, particularly Christianity but many in their own covert way, preach that love for "God" is more important than love for other people; that the body is an instrument of Satan or dark forces; that it was created by the denial of God; that its desires will lead away from fulfillment; and that in response to all of this, we need to feel guilty and repentant. Most religions grant an excmption to sexual dogma within marriage, which psychologically forces people to wed, thus playing into a different agenda entirely. Most people have not examined religion itself as the cause of all the strife and misery surrounding happiness and fulfillment. If God is real, then we don't need a church to worship in, we don't need complicated and contradictory morals, we just need to be loving and mindful.
Reproduction. The perceived role of reproduction in sex varies enormously on the ideological and spiritual levels, and the moral battle over whether there can rightfully be fucking for pleasure (rather than for procreation) continues till this hour. Since "sex" cannot be strictly defined as male-female vaginal intercourse, then the large majority of forms of sexual contact are not reproductive in nature. These are usually the hotly controversial forms of sex: masturbation, oral sex, anal sex, same-sex sex, and out-of-wedlock sex. Church law, and very frequently, state law, are written in such a way that prohibit or discourage these activities; good luck.
Responsible nonmonogamy. This is another word for polyamory. I am not happy with either term, but at least this is more clear, and it implies the ever-important concept of responsibility for people with hangups around their parents or the government; I number among them. Look, ma, I'm being responsible. The basic concept is having relationships with more than one person in a responsible manner. Responsibility to me implies not having secret feelings, secret encounters or secret other relationships, and there are the ever-present health matters that enter the picture at the same moment sexuality does. We take our lives into each other's hands, so we might as well live that way.
Rimmer, Robert. American author, most noted for The Harrad Experiment, one of the early novels to introduce polyamory to American culture. Link here.
Rimming ('rim job', officially 'analingus'). Any form of anal-oral contact; usually, licking, nibbling and/or kissing one's partner's asshole, or the rim of the asshole. It is part of sex play for some heterosexual, gay and lesbian partners. This can range from the kiss to the long tongue stroke across the territory to the full-on delve into this secret garden. As far as I can tell, rimming is one of those forms of sex that is more taboo to talk about than it is to do. You could call it an unspeakable pleasure. Robert Anton Wilson reported in 1972 that the practice was so rare that Alfred Kinsey didn't feel a need to include it in his famous 1947 report on make sexuality. It does, however, show up in the novel Naked Lunch by William S. Burroughs, which was the subject of an extensive obscenity lawsuit.
......In any case, most who have experienced this on the receiving end have thrown off their reluctance, skittishness or shame (if they had any to begin with) and gotten into what is an unquestionalbly profound experience of receiving core-level sexual sensuality. It is relaxing in a way that is impossible to describe. Many discover it is a gratifying experience to go down on their partner's ass, both because it gives so much pleasure and because it is a deeply personal, sensual and erotic way to explore sexual response, and, well, get into a person.
.......As for anal hygiene. I find it interesting that rimming occurs in a culture so steadfastly devoted to avoiding acknowledgement of the anal region, and in a part of the world so obsessively fastidious about germs and feces. But our culture is also deeply anal retentive: we are a bunch of control freaks, and there is something very healthy in the way of the receiver's releasing her/his self-control around this activity, as well as letting go of body shame.
.......As far as the ass being an elimination organ as well as a sex organ, the same is true of cocks and cunts and that doesn't bother most people. Unprotected rimming is, anyway, is technically considered a form of risky sex. As for healthier rimming, with or without a dental dam, it's a good idea to keep the anus clean. (While Americans are allegedly sterility freaks, we have lousy anal hygiene, practicing the 'dry wipe' where other cultures have bidets or even shower after bowel movements. Even if the anus is not your sex organ of choice, chances are it's right next to one that is.) Whatever you do the rest of the time, giving the asshole a good cleaning with soap and water, or witch hazel (the bidet in bottle) is a nice idea before oral-anal contact, and some prefer enemas, though many people would rather go for it au natural; hopefully they have a well-organized immune system and a hygiene-conscious partner.Romance. Attempting to replicate the love that occurs in a fairy tale, movie or trashy novel in the physical world. It is related to attempting wild stunts of television and the movies, ranging from juggling chain saws to jumping across a canyon in a motorcycle, in your back yard. Romance is the form of love sanctioned by the Roman Catholic church, and is thus suspect on its face; it is subject to investigation.
s Sacred Sex. Still working on this one, but in short, conscious sexuality, though usually with religious themes and metaphors, sometimes involving pleasuring rituals, and an aspect of the so-called Tantra movement. It sounds good, and no doubt, the sex rituals of days of yore, the encounters with the temple priestesses or priests, and the initiations that might have been practiced in those environments, make for some exciting fantasy scenarios. Inagine the torchlight on out-door marble scenes, the sense of silence and of time opening up, surrendering to a fusion of physical and divine bliss... Linguistically, and philosophically as a modern issue, my problem is that 'sacred' is of the same root as 'sacrifice'. If anything, sex with spiritual overtones would seem more like an offering. Further, 'sacred' literally means 'within the temple', as compared to 'profane', which means 'outside the temple', so by declaring some things sacred, you would be declaring everything else profane, which is not a good idea. In other words, why hold sex as sacred wen we can hold it as healty and normal? I cannot help but notice that 'sacred sex' is an anagram of 'scared sex', and as a result both terms have precisely the same numerological value. Spiritual sex, as i see it, is sex with love involved. Love implies a space of shamelessness, and in that space, bodies could touch without the fear of hurt or attack. We really need to start here.
Science fiction. ...
Self-esteem. Literally, holding oneself in esteem. Given how important everyone feels this is, it's curious to me that so many people work so hard to make everyone else feel like shit. It would appear that self-esteem is self-generated, but is also the result of undoing and healing the attacks we have suffered in the past, as well as surrounding ourselves with loving people who support what we are and what we need.
Serial Monogamy. This is what most people actually do. It is not the monogamy of 'till death do us part' fame, though it is somewhat a mockery of this; it is usually the monogamy of 'let's hold out as long as this lasts,' or 'till we can't stand each other any more.' For some reason, this seems to be considered more ethical than polyamory; after all, you're just with one person. Perhaps I just have good taste and a lot of earth in my chart, but personally, I like to collect beautiful people in my life, not discard them.
Sex. When plants have sex, their flowers bloom and their pollen blows in the wind. While this makes many people sneeze, I advocate a view of sex that recognizes that, try as we may to disrupt the natural flow of life with perfumed everything from dish soap to luggage, we bloom and then the hormones flow and the pheromones fly wildly in the biosphere for all to experience. This is sex, and so is everything else remotely or explicitly sexual.
Semen. ..
Semen shame. ..
Sexual autonomy. dd
Sexual favor. ..
Sexworker. dd
Shame. ..
Sharing masturbation. Masturbating together, or one person watching another masturbate. The world-at-large has yet to acknowledge the beauty of this activity. The mystic quality of the love expressed from one person to herself, from one person to himself, can be experienced and then shared. Selflove has in part become distasteful because it's associated with feeling isolated. There is a whole dimension of sexuality located between solosex and partnersex, and it is the space in which selflove is experienced and demonstrated before another person, or people, as conscious witness, and fully received by all individuals. Sharing masturbation can occur with members of either gender, or in groups, and the tenor or experience of surrender varies with wide diversity. Its essential character is more than cathartic; it is directly self-affirming and life-affirming.
Sleeping with. Terminology accurately describing what most people do when having sex. Euphemism, that is to say, polite expression, for 'fucking' or 'having sex with', this is a term that must go. Listen carefully as you or others use these words, and you will likely hear how utterly ridiculous they are to describe something that very much needs to be an awake experience.
Slut. A slut is what people call someone besides themselves who likes sex, usually out of guilt. There is, deep beneath the accusation, an implied sacrilege, and the spiritual dictate that is being violated is the one that says sex for pleasure is bad, whereas sex for reproduction is good.
s/m. Please see b/d-s/m.
Soulmate. Supposededly, one's other half, whom we find and mate with in relationship. Many people presume they have just one soulmate, though, if the concept is valid at all, it seems plausible that many soulmates are possible. In a modern context, the idea of a single soulmate is an extension of romantic love, of a 'one and only,' though given divine or mystical justification. This is a self-limiting concept, and can weigh down relationships with undue burden and expectation. (More at twin soul.)
Sperm (short for spermatazoa, Latin for something that will translate pretty hilarioiusly). The great occultist Aleister Crowley used to say that he killed millions of children every day. That was a joke. He was talking about masturbation, and in particular, sperm, those tadpole-like critters inhabiting semen, the fluid men often give out at ejaculation. They represent the mail (or rather, male) half of the genetic material employed in the reproductive process. They are among the very smallest of human cells; each is his or her own individual cell, and they are themselves of male and female varieties, delivering different genetic codes that determine the sex of the child. They swim, have consciousness, and are on a conquest for the female ovum, or egg. It is a competitive experience, and only one out of hundreds of millions in a healthy ejaculation has a scarcely remote chance of getting to its destination under the very best of circumstances, and luck. However, as pregnancy happens fairly often, we can see that sometimes it works to play a long-shot.
Sperm-lover (also Cum-lover). One who loves to consume semen, but who knows, sperm are petty lovable too. Concept seen on one of the masturbation URLs as a heading for stories mostly by and about men,many of whom like to drink their own semen.
Spermspeil (German). Playing with semen. The only place I have seen this word used is in profiles in the America Online member directory, written by German women, looking for friends. Like many other German words, it could pop into English one day.
Swinging (sometimes called 'lifestyle').This is another form of nonmonogamy, but the attempt is sexual gratification within the context of casual social relationships, and sometimes friendships. The emphasis is on sex, usually at organized parties, to the point where one concept from the swinging world is "emotional monogamy." That would mean, you go to a sex party with your wife or husband, you do anybody you want, most anyone can watch, but you don't get emotionally involved with the extramarital partner. Many swingers, however, develop long-term friendships with their swinging partners, which they report are important and sometimes lifelong. Given that, swinging is a form of polyamory that starts with sex and ends up in relationship, whereas purist versions of polyamory generally starts at the relationship end of things and end up (more or less often) at the sexual stage of things. Polys claim to take relationships more seriously. Swingers claim to take sex more seriously. Let's see where they meet. There must be a place.
t Tantra. A term with many meanings for many people (rendering it so vague as to be pratically useless), though in common usage, Tantra is generally understood to be the path of spiritually conscious sexuality, however, insinuating something different than ordinary loving sexuality. It is a form of sexual yoga from India and China, in which the devotion is sexually oriented and embraces self-control, awareness and physical health, leading to what amounts to enlightenment through focused passion. One of the better-known techniques here in the west is male orgasm without ejaculation; releasing semen was thought by the ancient Taoists to expend the man's life force, and New Age tantra is obsessed with this idea, though whether it's true is another story. There are, however, many forms and schools of Tantra, and many well-established though obscure paths of this art, most of them unknown to westerners. According to Betty Dodson, the word means 'web.' According to William Pennell Rock, a Tantric yogi and long-time student of Osho, there are two main branches of Tantra, one of which is the path of control and discipline, and the other of which is the path of taking things as far as they will go in the direction you take them, seeing where you arrive in the end. Both paths, as do all yogas, embrace the conduct of the entire life, not just what one does in the specific techniques of the yoga during practice. Modern New Age Tantra seems to strive for the path of purity rather than liberation and wildness, as most westernized things are generally forced to, or suppose they must, conform with Christian morals.
Threesome. Usually, inviting a third partner into a couple's sexual experience, but really, any experience of three people having sex, all of whom can be of one gender, or different combinations of male-female. There is really just one guideline for threesomes: all parties must have an open heart, or the experience can hurt. If hearts are open, the pleasures are positively endless. Part of being open-hearted is not being possessive; instead, if you happen to feel like you're on the outside at any point during the experience, it's better to just watch, feel, listen and allow the experience to unfold, though if necessary, speak your feelings and ask for more attention. There is a fine line between wanting love, and using your neediness to interfere with the love of others. A long talk before the experience can be a great help, though this is not always possible. This is a great space in which to practice compersion. Get past your jealousy and you will emerge into a whole new world of life and love. Sometimes threesomes just happen, sometimes they take planning; if you desire the experience and it is not 'just happening', ask around. This is not exactly a unique fantasy and there are many people curious about such experiences. Good communication within all the relationships is paramount (though especially the primary relationship), as is knowing what your desires are. For male-female couples wanting to experiment, I suggest exploring experiences with both men and women.
Tits (originally 'teats'). Breasts, though in modern language, usually in a sexual rather than milky connotation. Like most of the old words used to describe sexual acts and reproductive organs, this one now has some derogatory connotations, though it seems to mix being old and innocent, and modern and slightly racey, very well. However, it is frequently used by women.
Tit fucking (officially called 'intermammary sex'). Moving the penis between a woman's breasts, often resulting orgasm for the male partner and deep pleasure for the female partner. A form of sexual intercourse that allows bare-skin contact in our age of latex, which rearranges the male-female dynamics in a fun way, and, most important in my opinion, places the fucking action near the woman's heart and heart chakra. Usually, either partner squeezes the breasts (if they reach) around the erect cock, creating a loving embrace, and the fun begins. Lube can be saliva, or something else from the love kit or pantry. The breasts can be positioned so that the nipples are stimulated as well. The overall arrangement positions things nicely so the female partner's mouth is within convenient reach of her partner's penis when he ejaculates; and the pressed-together breasts make a nice semen reservoir in case male partner wants to drink. [Note. Tom Roberts of Club Relate notes that breast fucking is fucking something (such as the vulva) with a nipple.] See also Breast.
Tolerance. Tolerance is not acceptance. Remember.
Tribidism. Usually known to be masturbating against your partner's body, this is an old word for lesbian -- "Tribidist." It is, in any case, a favorite and delightful activity of girl queens. When male-female partners do this kind of thing, it is frequently with the male partner masturbating on the female's belly, sometimes called dry-humping, but it's not always dry, or at least not for long.
Trust. The basis of trust.
Trusting yourself. ..
Twin souls. An idea somewhat related to the notion of soulmate, some people report the experience of having a missing twin on the soul level, whom they are seeking in this lifetime. It is difficult to tell whether this is purely a construct of romantic conditioning, or an actual phenomenon that may explain some people's search for a single soulmate. If twin souls are possible, then so are triplets and so indeed are whole groups of souls of familiar relation or familiar origin.
u Ultimatum. The most honest form of communication; making one's ultimate demand. Usually this comes at the end of relationships, yet the beginning seems a more appropriate and useful time to establish one's real position, because it sets things in order from the start, and creates a situation in which we engage inrelationship without compromise.
Urethera. The vessel through the penis or the vulva through which urine is expelled from the body, though in men, both urine and semen are released through the same channel. In a woman this opening is located between the clitoris and the vagina.
v Vagina. The birth canal; the opening in the penetrated by the penis during sexual intercourse, and through which children are born. The external female genitalia are not the vagina, but rather the vulva.
Vagitarian. One who likes to go down on women, perhaps to the exclusion of all other sexual activity, but definitely a cunnilingus enthusiast of the truest variety.
Vanilla Sex. Used by people in the sex culture to describe the non-experimental, non-transgressive (i.e., "normal") forms of play, such as heterosexual fucking, perhaps with a little oral sex in there to make it interesting. Saran-wrapping your blindfolded lover to a chair in the midst of an orgy is not vanilla sex.
Vulva. The entire external female genitalia, consisting of the large outer lips and smaller inner lips (labia majora and labia minora, respectively), as well as the clitoris, the urethera, and the vagina, the sheath-like inner space to which the vulva serves as a kind of outer gateway.
Photo of Tia by Neal.w-x-y-z Water sports. Playing with pee, including peeing on someone or being peed upon, as well as (in some instances, depending on preferences) drinking urine. Clearly a specialty item.
Wish-fulfillment. Term from Freudian psychology used to describe one function of dreams, which is ostensibly to provide the illusion or psychic experience of gratification of intense desires which may be otherwise unattainable. In erotic dreams, we often do things we would not usually consider in normal states of consciousness, including explore same-sex experiences and experiment with people who would be considered by society to be inappropriate sexual partners, such as siblings, parents, married people, and so on. Wish-fulfillment extends to fantasies as well.
Xenoestrogenic compound. Any outside substance that acts like the sex hormone estrogen once in the body. Here, we are in the terrifying realm of artificial chemicals that act as though they are alive, or part of the biological process. Such chemicals are numerous and prevalent throughout the food-chain and the atmosphere, such that all living things are now bathed in a sea of chemicals that send false sexual messages through the endocrine system, which is one of the primary messenger services in the body. They do this at miniscule concenrations -- down to parts per trillion, or less. Among the first-discovered substances of this variety, also called 'endocrine mimickers,' were dioxin, PCBs and a variety of pesticides, though it's now known that many plastics and heavy metals mimic estrogen. This pollution crisis may be responsible for epidemics of hermaphrodism and vagueness in gender differentiation increasingly found in humans and animals, as well as a wide variety of sexual cancers and endometriosis.
Xenophobia. The irrational fear of those different, or of foreigners or outsiders. In theory the opposite of homophobia (fear of that which is the same), many people are both xenophobic and homophobic.
Zipless fuck. Strictly anonymous, instantaneous sex. In a true zipless fuck, you do not know the name of your partner. Term coined by Erica Jong in her novel Fear of Flying.
Zoophilia. Sex with animals. You may be thinking, 'That is shocking,' but it's actually quite common and this is not a personal confession. My friend Rebecca, for example, was enticed to have her vulva licked by a then-boyfriend's cat. In more dire situations, or perhaps just based on a preference for less complicated relationships, people engage animals for a variety of activities one thinks of as normally being performed by humans. Ask around; you'll hear stories. Some will be true.++
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