Picture, from advertisement, by Eric Francis.
As The World Returns
Here are your responses to "Why Men are Afraid of Women", by Sandra, Cory and Halona.
Eric,
Interesting to read today's blog topic. Just 4 days ago I found myself intuitively journaling on a similar topic of reflection... mistrust and fear of the Feminine and the Masculine. Our evolutionary journey seems to involve a deep deep need within each of us to 'marry' these forces within us, which of course are the forces that create the Universe, at least here on Earth. Two thousand years of patriarchy won't be easy to balance, but that is the agenda of the Divine Feminine in this century and beyond. So, its an essential topic. If we grok this as a power battle between the sexes, we won't get very far.
All of the life experience with other humans reflects how conscious we are of the owned and unowned parts of ourselves identified as masculine and feminine streams of energy. The psychological matrix is complex, of course, with parents, culture, and the many imprinting factors. Yet. To over simplify, the sexual politics show us the degree to which we have managed to find both wisdom and peace by living with head, heart and spiritual centers harmoniously engaged. Here are some reflections.
Physically, fear of being overpowered by force and abandoned is the feminine fearing the masculine. Fear of being smothered/not-free, is the masculine fearing the feminine.
Emotionally, fear of being confused/groundless is the masculine fearing the feminine. Fear of loss of the basic intuitive connection is the feminine fearing the masculine. Each fear being 'wrong.'
Mentally, fear of the loss of the power of fact & logic is the masculine fearing the feminine. Fearing that the head will win over the heart, a loss or injury of intimacy, is the feminine fearing the masculine.
Spiritually, the masculine rises and commands, while the feminine connects, surrenders, listens and deepens. What wars rage within! Yet, it is the union and harmonizing of these energies, that Love worlds large and small into being.
It is in the realm of personal awareness and inner work that the greatest understandings can unfold.
From Vaclav Havel, made in the context of a more visionary statement about the future of humankind in general, I believe it fits as an end point here as well:
"Without a revolution in the sphere of consciousness, nothing will change for the better in the sphere of our being."
Peace.
Sandra
52, divorced, single & celibate
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From Cory
Dear Eric,
I am sorry if I am too late with this. First, I am 46, female, married (for the third time) mostly hetero but having some bi feelings and leanings. I have four children, am female but tend to think more logically than most females, Pisces, Rat, Capricorn moon with Virgo rising. I was very sexually active and aggressive in my twenties, started masturbating to orgasm at age four and until I had kids I had a high libido.
I think men are afraid of women because emotionally, men are more vulnerable. I see it in my children. My daughters were and are far more emotionally independent even from infancy than my son is. Studies have shown that males don't handle divorce or the loss of a loved one as well as females. In my own marriage, I see my husband always being weaker emotionally than I am in the way he handles emotional stress. He seems to cave in so fast.
I think women resent men not so much because they have the power and the cock, but because we women have been taught through the media and propaganda that men are the strong ones when in reality we find they are weaker at every turn. I grew up reading and watching about men only to find to my huge disappointment that in real life relationships, they are so weak and unable to be there for me. Every girl grows up and wants that Daddy to protect her, be the strong male he is for her and instead finds men weak, needy emotionally, vulnerable and unable to cope with stress as well as we women are. This is often the rage women have....a rage that they will never get to be protected and feel safe like they felt with their fathers as little girls. Society lies to us and tells us we can find some strong, protective man that we can depend on emotionally. When we actually start having relationships, we find out such is not the case, men have such sensitive egos, need much emotional coddling. Women end up looking for someone, anyone to meet OUR emotional needy moments. Too often, only other women seem to do that for us and we resent our men for that inadequacy.
Men on the other hand seem to grow up always wanting a woman to mother them, to love them warts and infidelitous yearnings and weaknesses and all. They cannot seem to feel assured in and of themselves that they are fine. This may have something to do with the hold pussy has on them.....without pussy, they cannot spread their genes and because pregnancy is such an investment for women, women are more choosy about their partners than men are. Women also always know their child is genetically theirs...men have no such concrete assurances unless they can somehow control the sexual lives of the women they have sex with. Marriage was not set up for women, it was set up for men to control women to assure each male is giving his time and resources to his own genetic offspring and not some other male's. This sets up a situation in which men have to jockey for the privilege of being the chosen one. To turn the tables on that huge power women have over them, men have used their greater strength to over power women and run things. Men use their higher libido and willingness to screw any woman to control and keep their women fighting over them. This makes females scrabble for the males who they know will go from female to female with no real thought.
Males really need emotional relationships, so much so that when they lose one they are less able to handle the loss emotionally, so they end up trying to use women without allowing themselves to get emotionally attached.
The whole thing is really sad. I always wanted things to be different and with my husband I think I have found that they can be. He and I know the weaknesses and strengths each of us has and instead of fearing these, we have tried to understand them and accept each other. It is a work in process, but we have been together 20 years and still love each other deeply without the games so many couples play.
I don't think it has to be the way society has set it up. I think there can be a better way. Women can give their men that emotional relationship and acceptance they need. I give that to my husband all the time, I hold his ego and feelings gently in my hands and the few times I really feel vulnerable and needy, he is there for me to hold me gently in his hands and be strong. We complement each other and we don't worry if it is sometimes 70-30 or 40-60. It isn't about who does or gets the most. It is about how we feel overall in our relationship and our lives that counts. It isn't about who wins or loses, it is about giving and being together. We want to be with each other more than we want to win or get the most.
I have to tell you, I actually feel less comfortable with women. I find so many of them catty, gossipy, uncaring, selfish, they don't seem to even care about nurturing the men they have in their lives. It is almost as if the women's movement gave women permission to run roughshod over all men's feelings; stomping on their vulnerable hearts without thought. Is it so bad that men have high libidos? Is it so hard to allow them to have sex and be pleasured by them often? Is it so awful to suck their cocks and swallow if it gives them so much pleasure and a huge feeling of acceptance? (Not to mention what a HUGE turn on it is to us to feel that warm, throbbing, eager living flesh in our mouths, responding and wanting US!!) What a gift so easily given and so greatly appreciated! In return, so often they worship the ground we walk on and will go to the ends of the earth to please us....why don't women see this and enjoy that smooth happy pleasure of give and take that can happen? Why make sex such a control issue? Why withhold pleasure when if given, it returns?
In my many times of having sex with many different types, kinds and ages of men, I found every one of them so quick to be gentle and pleasure me when I gave to them and didn't pretend. I would at first be the aggressor, outright inviting them to have sex just for the sake of pleasure alone. When in the moment, I would be submissive and give and move and touch as much as they and every one of them tried hard to make sure I had an orgasm too. They didn't just have their fun and leave me wanting, they would give back. All it took was my honest open desire and wanting. Pretending that sex was bad or that they had to "talk me into it" never worked as well. Being honest and giving it my all always worked.
Men and women can be gentle with each other and without fear. I live that and truly believe it can be so for anyone willing to work at it. I am very fortunate that I have the loving relationship with my husband that I do. I give him a lot of the credit, he is faithful and giving and loves me beyond all reason. Though I have always had a higher libido than he, I don’t want anyone else because I love him so much.
-- Cory
(Please don't use my real name, my husband knows all this but I have extended family and don't want to shock them!)
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From Halona
Dear Eric,
This is not a flaming email. After having read your blog about men being afraid of women, I am so glad that I've been reading your blog for almost a year now (I'm also a subscriber). Otherwise, I would think you're a pot stirrer: what you wrote was inflammatory. However, I get your intention. You've exaggerated what a lot of people unconsciously think about the other sex.
Since the infusion of the Feminine Divine energy via the Venus transit in 2004, there's more opportunity for greater cooperation between the genders. Female and male is the most basic example of duality on the planet. We have to look at our prejudices towards the other gender and gain greater understanding about "them". And what about the unfair biases we have towards our own sex?
I suppose it comes down to a willingness to look at "them" and discover what we have in common, rather than the differences. I suspect that this is something that's going to happen as a result of the entire human race having to pull together for survival. I speak of the environmental degradation. A friend came back from South America three weeks ago. They took a plane ride over the Amazon. The Amazon river in some places is only 1" (2.5 cm) deep.
Considering my personal history, looking at what I have in common with men is hard for me. I was sexually abused starting at the age of 3. I associate all things male with sexual predators. It's hard to separate from the rest of the male race what 5 male family members did to me. I AM afraid of men. So it's been a painful and intense three year journey into what I believe about men. I'm not finished with this work. My attitudes towards men does affect the planet. The more of us that can heal our woundedness around gender, the more shift there will be towards commonality rather than divisiveness. Another thought- am I disowning attributes I have because I think of them as "being male"?
I am pisces, heterosexual, age 47, divorced at age 21, no live-in partners since my divorce, no children. I am looking foward to meeting my future life partner this year (scared and excited). My personal healing of gender will move into a new phase.
These are exciting times!
Halona
