May is Self-Awareness Month

Dear Friend and Reader:

In late 2010, one of the Planet Waves editors posted to our blog an article she found about the odd relationship options offered by Facebook (for example, the category 'it's complicated' being a stand-in for everything other than something supposedly normal, without saying what). Following that article back to its source, a blog called Onely.org, I discovered the existence of a singles movement.

Photo by Eric Francis - Blue Studio, New York.

A singles movement? This is about people for whom conventional relationship models do not work, or more simply put, a movement of people who want to go solo. Methods of doing this vary, but I can generalize a little. They don't want to date in any conventional way, they don't live with the expectation of marriage, they don't cohabitate, and they don't do the boyfriend-girlfriend thing. They don't want to be half of a couple, in the immortal words of Erica Jong; they want to be a whole person, and the easiest way for them to facilitate that is to be single, our society's ultimate form of queer.

There are a lot of possibilities here, but the main idea overall is stepping outside the box of relationship expectations in which we so often get caught, like it or not. Those who are living a solo way of life might count their friends and erotic partners as being on an equal par, on the basis that all relationships have value. One is not on a higher rung than another. From what I have read, there's substantial questioning of how society compels many people to embrace relationship options that might not (or absolutely do not) work for them.

There is as much questioning of heteronormative conditioning as there is in any queer community. In case you haven't heard that word, it's a keeper: heteronormative -- a concept to contain all the rules and regulations you're supposed to follow in a world oriented primarily on heterosexual relationships, which are considered the norm -- indeed, there's still a compulsory quality. I am always intrigued every time I see a wedding band flashed in a TV commercial, particularly on a man's hand, which is often. No matter what product they're selling, the other product is marriage.

The idea of a singles movement immediately sounded revolutionary because much of the relationship discussion is about what form of long-term committed relationship one chooses (mono or poly, married or living together, gay or straight), rather than questioning the orthodoxy of relationship. Many people have the feeling that if they're not 'in a relationship' they're not normal. Many places having a partner or spouse is the equivalent of fully-vested citizenship. Once you have someone on your arm, you're allowed into society. Meanwhile, if you're not 'in a relationship', what about all your other relationships. Why don't they count? Well, as for what counts, we're almost always talking Relationship with a big R.

Over the years I've been an astrologer, I've worked with, and heard from, many people for whom the relationship game as it's currently set up simply does not work. Who they are does not fit any known model of relationship, and they cannot seem to find partners who match their values. Many of these people are the aware and questioning types, who strive to live consciously. Many of them even want to be in a relationship that suits them, but don't seem to find suitable situations.

So I was happy to find some information and validation that seemed to be skewed in their direction. Exploring other websites in this genre, the discussion I read was often politically astute and a bit indignant. There was a lot of discussion of why married people get such significant tax breaks. And why should the dentist be asking about your marital status? Is that vaguely relevant to getting your teeth cleaned? If they need to notify your next of kin that you have a cavity, they can call your sister.

Photo by Eric Francis - Blue Studio, New York.

Out of curiosity, I started typing the word 'masturbation' into search engines on various singles movement sites and getting nothing back (with the exception of one derogatory reference to 'mental masturbation'). I thought this lack of discussion was interesting and more than a bit strange. Here was a movement advocating living freely and being detached from relationship expectations as a vocal choice.

We all know that many people stay in relationships to assure a supply of sex, even if those relationships don't always serve their other growth needs. To be free of these dysfunctional relationships, it would help (in my fantasy world) to have an idea of sexual independence we could aspire to. And one logical starting point for that would be really, truly understanding one's inner sexuality, and doing well with being one's own lover. But the movement advocating how you can be free of these relationships, at least that I could find that evening, had nothing to say about sex with oneself.

The movement advocating being single was the very last place I would have guessed there was a taboo on discussing solo sex. Clearly, if you're single and want to be, that implies that sex with oneself is not a substitute for anything, and also that (assuming you have a sex drive) it's an entirely necessary state of affairs. If being single implied having a low sex drive, Thomas Edison would have never invented the singles bar.

I wrote to the editor of one of these websites, and after a round of emails that went on for a few weeks, she basically told me that they just didn't feel comfortable talking about self-sex. I admit to being a bit naïve, but truly, I was stunned. Okay, just a little stunned. The lack of authentic sexual conversation is normal fare in our culture. In exploring the many reasons why masturbation is still taboo, we must include that as one of them. But I think it goes deeper. It's fair to say that considerable embarrassment surrounds the topic of masturbation. It's private, and most people would rather keep it that way (unless you count their fantasies of getting caught).

Photo by Eric Francis - Blue Studio, Brussels.

It's about to be May, which was officially designated Masturbation Month back in 1995 by the Good Vibrations toy stores in Berkeley and San Francisco. We now have 31 days of cultural sanction for the conversation. Speaking as an astrologer, I've always thought it was appropriate that the time of year when the Sun is in Taurus (the sign of self-value, associated with physical sensuality) was a great time to start the festivities. And by the end of May we have Gemini lighting up the sky, a delightfully kinky sign associated with the 'dual self' phenomenon -- a kind of inner mirror where you can see yourself as any gender you like.

What exactly is Masturbation Month? It's a little like Chrysanthemum Appreciation Week, only it involves masturbation and it lasts a month -- and it's a lot more radical. I don't think Obama signed a proclamation, but we can pretend.

What would the conversation be about? I would propose that masturbation is about a lot more than masturbation -- and that's the reason it's still considered so taboo by many people, and in many places. First, I would say that masturbation holds the key to all sexuality. It's a kind of proto-sexuality, the core of the matter of what it means to be sexual. I mean this in an existential sense. Masturbation is the most elemental form of sexuality, requiring only awareness and a body. Whatever we experience when we go there is what we bring into our sexual encounters with others -- whether we recognize it or not. Many factors (such as projection and denial) contribute to obscuring this simple fact.

However, people who are comfortable with their sexuality in general are likely to be comfortable with masturbation. It also works the other way. If you want to know how someone feels about sex, ask them how they feel about masturbation and you'll get your real answer. Self-sex is a path to self-knowledge, which is essential to mature, healthy relationships. The less mature relationships can be mazes of ignorance and codependency, and often, sexual dependency is a major ingredient in the glue that bonds these encounters together.

This, in my opinion, is why masturbation, and by that I mean conscious self-sex, is so revolutionary. It's a bold way to be who you are, as you are, regardless of any expectations of relationship.

In contemplating the masturbation taboo, I figured out something that turns out to be a factor in the oldest literature that insists masturbation must be forbidden: it has a tendency to open up one's fantasy life. And we all know this knows no bounds. That, in turn, can point to desire for sexual and relational options other than what one has at the moment, outside the rules. Far from being a mechanical experience of sexual maintenance that it's often portrayed as being, self-sex helps us open up an inner world of possibilities.

Photo by Eric Francis - Blue Studio, New York.

Within that world are two basic elements: what we want, and what we keep in the shadows. Where pair-bonded relationships are the norm, desire for anything other than what we have in the current relationship is often regarded as forbidden territory. If you have sex with yourself, who are you thinking about? That can grant a tremendous sense of inner freedom, something we dearly need. If revealed to anyone else, it can also open up a can of worms. If you have a partner or spouse, I ask you -- can you reveal the contents of your fantasy life to him or her? Some brave couples may be able to do this with powerful results. As one of my favorite authors once wrote, only the truth is erotic. Pretend for a moment that the contents of your imagination are not private.

Consider the possibility that the people closest to you, or even those who pick up on your energy, might catch on to what's going on in your inner world of desire. The more perceptive people in your world can see through you, and those with whom you're sexually intimate, or attracted to, might be able to tap right in. Yet what we call the ego puts up all kinds of blocks to this awareness, and by that I mean fear expressed as shame or embarrassment.

For many people, knowing that their partner is thinking about a past or potential lover (or a current secret lover) would lead to some deep insecurities coming to the surface. So when we stash away masturbation, we're stashing away all the secret desires held in our erotic and amorous fantasies, as well as papering over those insecurities. They will then tend to surface in our relationships in other ways, primarily as jealousy.

The term shadow material from Jungian psychoanalysis fits well here. Shadow is all this stuff we contain within ourselves, including guilt, shame, the fear of abandonment, rage, hatred and all their cousins. These are emotions we tend to project into relationships. For example, we might see them as qualities in others but not ourselves. They might become 'issues' in the relationship. It's easy to understand how this works. An insecure person is much likelier to be jealous of a partner than someone who is confident in themselves and in the relationship (usually in that order). In that case, jealousy would be a projection of insecurity (and/or envy and/or the fear of abandonment).

Photo by Eric Francis - Blue Studio, New York.

Conscious masturbation, and by that I mean your inner erotic reality experienced as part of your ongoing relationship with yourself, is one way to access and process these dark feelings rather than project them outward. If you experience any embarrassment, shame or misgiving around masturbation (and most people do, at least occasionally), consider the possibility that these things obscure something deeper, that being your point of contact with yourself. You can call that self-love or self-esteem; you can call it being centered in your reality. I am talking about an authentic inner journey, the kind that usually gets categorized in the bin with the label 'spiritual', but which has a distinctly sexual sensation.

Given that religion as we know it (particularly as Christians, Jews or Muslims) has not only made sexuality allegedly bad, but has also built its fortune on doing so, it can take quite a bit of determination to go here. We are all influenced by religion's misgivings and control dramas around sex. The fact that so many people experience forms of false modesty, embarrassment, shame and guilt, in many facets of life, and also where masturbation is a factor, suggests that there is a connection. And I would add that because the control games of religion are most often aimed at women, self-eroticism in any form is particularly revolutionary for them. For many women it is the first place they can step out of their chains and confront the shame of existence that is so often projected onto female sexuality. Let's remember that there are many, many women for whom masturbation provides their only orgasms.

I'm also speaking to anyone who feels like they depend on others for their sexual pleasure and sense of self-contact a bit more than they want to, and who may live with the secret knowledge that they want to be more independent.

I will leave you with an idea that I'm developing in other venues this month, which is self-centered sexuality. I know, this is the thing we're supposed to avoid in that we're 'not supposed to be selfish'. I'm not talking about selfish, I'm talking about self. Self-centered sexuality means being centered within yourself. This is different from narcissism, which translates loosely to, 'nobody besides me exists, or matters'.

Taking this to a fully conscious level, say, as conscious as yoga practice, is something that would benefit everyone, and is a space for unpartnered people to explore their authentic sexuality. I would also propose as part of this that couples explore getting closer to one another by masturbating in one another's presence. This is perfectly intuitive for some people and just as counter-intuitive for others. In the experience, I suggest including the full content of your mind and not just your body. In case you experience embarrassment, I would offer you the idea that the very hottest sexual experiences are just on the other side of that veil.

Photo by Eric Francis - Blue Studio, New York.

For those who consider themselves 'not in a relationship', this opens up many possibilities, including a great option for 'friends with benefits'. That would be sharing masturbation, something that can be surprisingly natural and fulfilling, but absent most of the usual worries about sex (pregnancy, STIs, over-attachment). It's a way to share sex without the baggage of thinking you have to get married or even send flowers.

You'll also have an opportunity to encounter material that has come up in your past relationships, and (for example) explore healing your self-esteem, body issues or sexual shadow material. Imagine if you could enter your encounters with others from a confident and self-aware place, understanding who you are and what you want. That would give you a new basis for choosing a partner, or allow you to consider the idea that you might not want to be in a conventional relationship. Imagine if you could fully embrace the sexuality of everyone you meet, with open-minded curiosity rather than a sense of threat. This is what I mean by self-centered sexuality.

So, the sex toy stores may be calling this Masturbation Month. I would revise that to Self-Awareness Month.

Lovingly,

Photo selections by Sarah Bissonnette-Adler.