{"id":78446,"date":"2014-08-02T14:00:12","date_gmt":"2014-08-02T18:00:12","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/planetwaves.net\/news\/?p=78446"},"modified":"2014-08-01T12:48:16","modified_gmt":"2014-08-01T16:48:16","slug":"i-want-my-boyfriend-to-fantasize-about-other-women","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/planetwaves.net\/news\/relationships-2\/i-want-my-boyfriend-to-fantasize-about-other-women\/","title":{"rendered":"I Want My Boyfriend To Fantasize About Other Women"},"content":{"rendered":"

Editor’s Note: This week’s sex-and-relationships guest-post comes from sex and culture writer Rachel Kramer Bussel, and was originally published on The Frisky<\/a>. — Amanda<\/em><\/p>\n

By Rachel Kramer Bussel<\/a><\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n

I read Eliza Jules\u2019 essay \u201cI Obsessively Monitor My Husband\u2019s Lube Bottle\u201d<\/a> over at xoJane and was left with this question: Is a partner\u2019s masturbation<\/a> something we should worry about? The more I\u2019ve thought about it, though, the more I\u2019ve concluded that, for me, I\u2019m at the very opposite end of the spectrum as Jules; I\u2019d be worried if someone I was dating didn\u2019t masturbate, all the more so if I was the cause behind them holding off in the self-love department. I also wouldn\u2019t expect someone\u2019s firmly entrenched patterns of masturbation and porn use, especially if I met them well into their adult life, to change just because they were with me.<\/p>\n

\"Photo
Rachel Kramer Bussel; photo by Anya Garrett<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

I\u2019ll even go so far as to say I would definitely not want to be the sole source of my partner\u2019s masturbation fodder. Part of it? Sure. But imagine the pressure if every single time they jerked off, they were thinking about you<\/em>. That would creep me out a bit, and while I\u2019m not an expert, I don\u2019t think that\u2019s a realistic goal, especially when you\u2019re talking about long-term relationships.<\/p>\n

I get where that desire comes from; we all want to be respected and lusted after, and don\u2019t want to feel threatened by, say, some \u201cperfect\u201d-looking model or actress or porn star, or someone closer to home. But is masturbation truly a threat, or simply something they do separate from you (and vice versa)? <\/p>\n

I asked my friend Jamye Waxman, sex educator and author of Getting Off: A Woman\u2019s Guide to Masturbation,<\/em> who agreed with me that a lot of this hoopla is a result of an over-reliance on the myth of love conquering all. \u201cI think women are so concerned with their boyfriends fantasizing, masturbation or porn use because we\u2019re conditioned to believe that if they loved us, they wouldn\u2019t need these other things. So we feel threatened in our relationship when we\u2019re aware of their sexual \u2018habits\u2019 because we may lose them to a barely legal porn star or to their own right hand.\u201d<\/p>\n

It\u2019s one thing if the person is refusing sex in favor of masturbation. But what Jules is talking about sounds like your everyday horniness. Some people might have the urge more often than others, and if it\u2019s not detracting from what you do in bed together, I say, go at it as much as you want to. But we\u2019ve become so locked into a wildly out-of-control devotion to monogamy that it has been extended beyond the physical; now women are demanding mental monogamy too. That\u2019s like saying, \u201cI don\u2019t just want your body, but also your mind.\u201d<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

Now, I probably differ from a lot of women on this point, but I actually like, to a point, hearing about who someone I\u2019m dating finds attractive, kind of like the celebrity sex list; but even if they aren\u2019t celebrities, I want to hear about it. I\u2019m not necessarily talking about who they\u2019d literally sleep with if we broke up, but who, in general, they find hot. Maybe it\u2019s because I\u2019m bisexual and if I\u2019m dating a guy, I like to share which girls I think are sexy and hear their answers, but I suspect it\u2019s more that I\u2019m, in many ways, a voyeur. I enjoy hearing about their thought process as much as the actual fantasy, and even if it\u2019s not a fetish I share, it\u2019s interesting to me. One ex told me he was hot for women in sneakers when I was changing out of heels into sneakers; another told me why Katie Holmes did it for him.<\/p>\n

That being said, I don\u2019t expect my boyfriend to tell me every one of his fantasies, or how often he jerks off, unless he wants to. I wouldn\u2019t hold it against him if he didn\u2019t want to, because it\u2019s his personal space, both virtual (mental) and the time and physical space he uses for said act. As Tracy Clark-Flory recently put it at Salon<\/a>, \u201cWant to make a man stutter in bed? Ask him to describe the peaks and valleys of his personal erotic landscape.\u201d Of course it\u2019s an edgy topic. It\u2019s one of the most personal things you can ask someone, in large part because those fantasies often stem from childhood or teenage desires that have stayed with them into adulthood.<\/p>\n

I take the fear of talking about one\u2019s masturbation fodder partly as a nod to the idea that that there are \u201ccorrect\u201d and \u201cincorrect\u201d kinds of fantasies. Some people might fear that spilling the \u201cwrong\u201d kind might kill their partner\u2019s lust, and in fact, that might be true; I\u2019m not arguing that everyone should reveal everything that has ever gotten them off. Maybe keeping it in your head is a way to keep it turning you on. But I think there is value in at least broaching the topic, in acknowledging that masturbation happens, and that its frequency or intensity or fantasy fodder is something separate and apart from the mutual sexual pleasure you share.<\/p>\n

Most of the people I\u2019ve dated have been curious to hear what I get up to when I\u2019m alone, both to learn about the physical sensations I enjoy and toys I use, and to get to know me better. I find it hot to watch a partner get off in front of me, precisely because it is such a private and personal act. Even if I sometimes get to watch, or listen, I know I\u2019m just a temporary spectator; I still respect their right to have a personal sexuality.<\/p>\n

Waxman advocates for masturbation within relationships, as a teaching tool, a way for men to maintain their erections longer, as a visual show, and because \u201cit relaxes us, so if he comes home stressed and masturbates it can help avoid some fights.\u201d<\/p>\n

National Masturbation Month (May) just ended, but I\u2019d venture to say that every month should be Masturbation Month. Jerking off isn\u2019t just for single people or people who aren\u2019t getting their sexual needs met in a relationship. You can be having hot hot sex with someone you love, and still want some special sexytime all your own, with no one to interfere. To that point, Jules wrote a followup post<\/a> in which she told her husband what she\u2019d written, and his response was to tell her she could watch! So maybe once we break out of the view of masturbation as separate and apart from a mutual sex life and instead see it as something that makes each of us unique and special, it can even bring a couple closer together.<\/p>\n

I think it\u2019s unrealistic to expect a lover to never engage in a sexual thought about someone else, ever, and I\u2019d find it, frankly, boring, especially when contemplating a long-term relationship. Asking to be the star of my partner\u2019s sexual fantasy world 24\/7 seems like a way to quell sexual adventure, rather than foster it. So I say, if you\u2019re dating me, please do indeed get off and fantasize about anything and anyone at your leisure. I know I will be.<\/p>\n

Rachel Kramer Bussel is the editor of over 50 erotica anthologies, including\u00a0The Big Book of Orgasms<\/em>, Hungry for More<\/em>, Women in Lust\u00a0and\u00a0Flying High: Sexy Stories from the Mile High Club<\/em>. She writes widely about sex, dating, books and pop culture, conducts erotic writing workshops, and tweets @raquelita<\/a>. Read more at\u00a0rachelkramerbussel.com<\/a>.<\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Editor’s Note: This week’s sex-and-relationships guest-post comes from sex and culture writer Rachel Kramer Bussel, and was originally published on The Frisky. — Amanda By Rachel Kramer Bussel I read Eliza Jules\u2019 essay \u201cI Obsessively Monitor My Husband\u2019s Lube Bottle\u201d over at xoJane and was left with this question: Is a partner\u2019s masturbation something we … Read more<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":7221,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"generate_page_header":""},"categories":[1769],"tags":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/planetwaves.net\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/78446"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/planetwaves.net\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/planetwaves.net\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/planetwaves.net\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/7221"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/planetwaves.net\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=78446"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/planetwaves.net\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/78446\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/planetwaves.net\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=78446"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/planetwaves.net\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=78446"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/planetwaves.net\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=78446"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}