{"id":77351,"date":"2014-06-14T14:00:39","date_gmt":"2014-06-14T18:00:39","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/planetwaves.net\/news\/?p=77351"},"modified":"2014-06-13T16:08:42","modified_gmt":"2014-06-13T20:08:42","slug":"5-ways-to-get-enough-touch-without-all-the-pressure","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/planetwaves.net\/news\/relationships-2\/5-ways-to-get-enough-touch-without-all-the-pressure\/","title":{"rendered":"5 Ways To Get Enough Touch, Without All the Pressure"},"content":{"rendered":"

Editor’s Note:<\/strong> This week’s guest relationship blogger is Aggie at SoloPoly.com<\/a>. It’s well known that our physical, emotional and spiritual well-being is greatly enhanced by affectionate, nurturing touch; what’s not as well known are ways to give and receive that touch outside of intimate sexual relationships. — Amanda<\/em><\/p>\n

By Aggie<\/strong><\/em><\/p>\n

People are really touchy. That is, most people desire or require touch and affection on a regular basis \u2014 nonsexual as well as sexual. No kidding: touch helps keep you healthy and happy. (Don\u2019t believe me? The National Institutes of Health says so<\/a>.)
\n

\"Cuddling:
Cuddling: It\u2019s good for people, too!<\/figcaption><\/figure><\/p>\n

This is why in the last few years I\u2019ve gotten very creative about how I meet my needs for affectionate touch. And I\u2019m a much happier person because of this. You can be, too.<\/p>\n

<\/span>The catch is, we live a generally sex-negative (and thus oversexualized, but not in a good way) society. And a highly couple-centric one at that. Consequently, almost any human interaction is subject to intense scrutiny and judgment according to its potential sexual overtones \u2014 and whether those overtones are deemed socially \u201cnormal\u201d or \u201cgood,\u201d or \u201cwrong\u201d or \u201cdangerous.\u201d<\/p>\n

Most of us, at some point, worry about whether casual touch or affection with someone who is not already an intimate partner might \u201csend the wrong message\u201d (particularly about whether we\u2019d like to ride the relationship escalator<\/a> with that person), \u201cstart a rumor,\u201d confuse\/offend the person we touch or cause anyone witnessing such gestures to negatively assess our character or judgment.<\/p>\n

Even the vast body of research that\u2019s been done into the physical and psychological effects of casual touch and affection mostly focuses on couples<\/a> \u2014 contact that happens within the context of an established intimate partnership. That sends the unfortunately limiting message: Touch is good for you and you need it, but it\u2019s only safe\/acceptable to seek it from your partner. (And if you don\u2019t have a partner, you need to get one first.)<\/i><\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

This can make it awkward simply to converse or spend time one-on-one with someone who could be even slightly construed as a potential sexual partner \u2014 let alone affectionately touch other people who aren\u2019t already established as your lover or partner. Because in this society, unless you\u2019re talking about hugging a close relative or a child in your care, or shaking the hand of someone you\u2019ve just met, or helping someone who needs physical assistance, or paying for a clothed chair massage, all touch is considered potentially sexual and therefore risky<\/i> because of what it might \u201cmean\u201d or \u201clead to.\u201d<\/p>\n

In other words, touch often gets framed in terms of roles and control rather than simple human connection.<\/b> Most of us at some point try (usually subconsciously) to influence the thoughts, feelings, and actions of others by refraining<\/i> from touch. It\u2019s the ultimate in hands-off micromanagement. Yeah, I\u2019ve done it too. I still do, sometimes. Welcome to life in the real world.<\/p>\n

\u2026Sure, many of us have gotten over that social crap well enough to be comfortable hugging our friends (even our attractive ones), either to say hello\/goodbye, or to punctuate emotionally significant moments or exchanges. That\u2019s some progress. But for most people, occasional, brief, friendly hugs aren\u2019t enough to keep us happy.<\/p>\n

This sucks for everyone. It can especially suck for solo<\/a> people who don\u2019t have \u2014 and who maybe don\u2019t want \u2014 a primary-style relationship<\/a>, whether they consider themselves monogamous or not.<\/p>\n

One big reason why people engage in intimate relationships is to gain reliable access affection and touch.<\/b> Because, under current social norms, intimate partners are the main (and perhaps only) people you\u2019re \u201callowed\u201d to be physically affectionate with. In fact, many people believe their partners \u201cowe\u201d them affection and touch on demand; or that it\u2019s a scarce resource which partners must ration strictly for each other. Which screws up our relationship to casual intimacy even more, by conflating expressions of status and territoriality with the experience of comfort and affection.<\/p>\n

(Then there\u2019s the additional screwiness of social norms dictating limited access to honest consensual sex, an issue poly people handle differently than monogamous people, but I\u2019ll leave that aside at the moment\u2026)<\/p>\n

In fact, \u201ckeeping in touch\u201d in a physical sense is a big reason why I\u2019ve seen so many people dive far too hastily into intimate relationships \u2014 and be far too slow to leave unhealthy or unfulfilling ones. When I talk to people who say they feel lonely, one of the most acute and painful parts of that experience is lack of easy access to affectionate touch (cuddling, caressing, nonsexual kissing, etc.).<\/p>\n

I\u2019m speaking from experience here. I\u2019ve felt pretty damn lonely many times during my life \u2014 including within long-term committed relationships. It hurts. Fortunately I\u2019ve found that loneliness is usually solvable \u2014 at least in terms of touch and affection.<\/p>\n

When it comes to touch, most of us have lots of options \u2014 if we\u2019re willing to reach out, ask for touch, set aside social norms, and stop caring too much about the scrutiny and judgment of others. Honestly, who and how you touch is probably not very interesting to most people, so loosen up! Having this bit of courage is the key to physically connecting with people in a positive, nurturing way.<\/p>\n

How I get enough touch, without having a steady partner<\/h3>\n

Personally, I like living alone and I don\u2019t have (and don\u2019t want) a conventional primary partner. I\u2019m open to having deeper, ongoing committed relationships \u2014 and while I\u2019m dating two men, at the moment I don\u2019t have a \u201csteady partner\u201d in any committed sense.<\/p>\n

I\u2019m fine with that \u2014 in part because I still get enough touch to keep me happy. Here\u2019s how I do that. (Your mileage may vary, of course.)<\/p>\n

1. I can take no for an answer, gracefully.<\/b> I\u2019m listing this point first because it really is the most important part. Touch can only be affectionate and nurturing when it is 100% mutually consensual! <\/i>And you can only really hear, and enjoy, a yes when you can accept a no.<\/p>\n

It doesn\u2019t matter if you really believe that someone \u201cneeds a hug.\u201d Always ask first, especially if you don\u2019t have a prior history of sharing physical affection with that person.<\/p>\n

Don\u2019t proceed until you have a clear and positive visual or verbal response. When it comes to touch, a \u201cmaybe\u201d or no noticeable response should be taken as a \u201cno\u201d \u2014 since so many of us are socialized to avoid rejecting others.<\/p>\n

There are gray areas, sure \u2014 like casually touching someone\u2019s shoulder when you\u2019re both laughing at a joke. Or maybe a friend who usually likes hugs doesn\u2019t want one at that particular moment. None of us are 100% perfect about asking for consent before all casual touch. Just do your best: pay attention to, and honor, the feedback you get. People will show or tell you when they\u2019re not comfortable with you touching them.<\/p>\n

Here\u2019s the rough part: It is totally okay for someone to not want to touch you \u2014 you, personally! \u2014 even if they are currently touching other people around you. This is when you really need to evaluate whether you just want touch, or whether you\u2019re trying to initiate or deepen a connection with that specific person. If you want to connect, for whatever reason, with a person who\u2019s pulling back from you, pushing their boundaries definitely won\u2019t help matters. Give it a rest.<\/p>\n

If in a given situation you really just want affectionate touch, go find it from someone who clearly wants to share it with you. And if you\u2019re really honest about wanting touch and affection \u2014 rather than sex, romance, or jumping on the relationship escalator \u2014 be willing to get touch from someone to whom you\u2019re not sexually attracted. (Yes, that means straight guys can cuddle other guys, or anyone they wouldn\u2019t like to have sex with, and that\u2019s OK!)<\/p>\n

2. I have good friends, and I trust them.<\/b> Developing a robust network of friends \u2014 especially local friends \u2014 can be a great source of emotional and physical comfort. I often hug my friends who are comfortable with it, and ask them about their comfort level with hugging or other touch if I\u2019m not sure. I\u2019m also honest and comfortable enough with my friends to tell them I like and need cuddling, and to ask if they are too. Consequently, when I need cuddles and touch, I can usually get it. It\u2019s not always immediate, and sometimes I have to do without, but more often than not I can get the touch and affection I need.<\/p>\n

Best of all, this does NOT \u201cweird out\u201d my friends, or cause sexual tension. I do have some cuddle-friends who I also sometimes have sex with, but many more who I don\u2019t. I talk with my friends honestly about sexual tension where it exists, and we figure out what would\/would not work for us.<\/p>\n

For instance, one of my closest local friends is a poly-leaning guy in a monogamous marriage. He\u2019s told me in the past he finds me attractive, and he\u2019s naturally very flirty. I love him dearly, but I\u2019ve never been sexually attracted to him. We even went out on a \u201cdate date\u201d (with his wife\u2019s consent) one time a few years ago, and kissed \u2014 and he said after that he realized that yeah, the chemistry isn\u2019t really there for him either.<\/p>\n

When we get together now, we often cuddle \u2014 and I cuddle sometimes with his wife as well, she\u2019s a good friend too.<\/p>\n

I\u2019m not cuddly with all of my friends, however. For instance, one of my dearest friends is a woman who is both very body-modest (we live in different states and visit once or twice a year, and I\u2019ve never seen her nude) and only cuddly with her partners and kids. But she is one of the people I\u2019m most emotionally intimate with. We hug, and we\u2019ve even slept in the same bed, but we don\u2019t cuddle, and that\u2019s comfortable for us both.<\/p>\n

Every relationship finds its own level. I trust my friends enough that we can explore and find our mutual comfort level without making things weird between us.<\/p>\n

3. I take advantage of \u201csocially acceptable\u201d opportunities for touch.<\/b> In particular, I am a total massage junkie, so I get a professional massage once or twice a month. Nobody \u2014 not even my most socially and sexually conservative acquaintances, bats an eye at this. And while some of this is to relieve muscle tension (yeah, I write a lot, and my shoulders show it!) it\u2019s also an important form of nurturing.<\/p>\n

In fact, I started getting massages many years before I realized that polyamory and cuddling with friends are valid, healthy options. So even if you\u2019re totally monogamous and straitlaced, you can probably loosen up enough to get a massage. If you\u2019re needing touch, this helps. As long as you\u2019re not expecting a massage therapist to provide sexual release or emotional comforting, it\u2019s fine with everyone.<\/p>\n

You don\u2019t have to be nude or in a private room to get a great professional massage. Chair massage opportunities abound, and they\u2019re often in public or semi-public spaces, like natural food stores and airports. If you\u2019re body-shy or nervous about touch from strangers, this is a good way to start. Request a gentle or relaxing massage if you know you need basic touch more than relief from, say, neck pain.<\/p>\n

Other people I know get some of their touch needs met through dance: especially salsa, improv, and contra dancing. There are also \u201cecstatic dance\u201d events (freeform and not couple-centric) in many cities, and often these involve a lot of casual touch. And at any dance club, you can usually find partners who you can touch casually during the dance. As far as your parasympathetic nervous system<\/a> is concerned, it all counts as reassuring human contact. I\u2019ve been to dance events and enjoy them, but I\u2019m not much of a dancer so it\u2019s never my first choice for getting touch. But if you like dancing and want touch, it\u2019s worth a shot.<\/p>\n

4. I attend cuddle\/snuggle parties.<\/b> This is an organized, nonsexual event where people get together to explore nonsexual, nurturing touch in a safe, consensual environment. Yeah, it sounds woo-woo, and being from NJ I\u2019m allergic to woo-woo, but this is actually a simple and awesome experience. You can learn more about cuddle parties at Cuddleparty.com<\/a>, or find less formally organized cuddle and snuggle groups locally through Meetup.com<\/span> or Facebook. Usually all alcohol and drugs are prohibited, to promote full awareness and consent.<\/p>\n

Just yesterday I attended an amazing cuddle party with a new group of people in Denver. There were about a dozen attendees \u2014 one was a friend, there were three people I\u2019d met before briefly, and the rest were strangers. There was about a half hour of orientation and exercises about consent and tuning into your needs and preferences, followed by a couple hours of nonsexual, clothed cuddling on the floor in a clean, open room with lots of blankets and pillows.<\/p>\n

I got a fantastic massage from my friend, and cuddled with several people \u2014 men and women I did not know. Everyone was respectful, and the one person whose personality annoyed me slightly I did not need to interact with in any way. I left there feeling incredibly nurtured, practically high on it. Good thing I wasn\u2019t driving! And I slept very, very well last night.<\/p>\n

Yeah, this kind of gathering might weird some people out. That\u2019s fine, they don\u2019t have to attend, it\u2019s totally voluntary. I get weirded out by how people act at football games, board meetings and most religious ceremonies, so we\u2019re even.<\/p>\n

If you attend, no one is ever required to cuddle at all. I\u2019ve seen people just sit back and politely observe and converse at cuddle parties, without cuddling. That\u2019s totally fine. That\u2019s one way of exploring and expanding your comfort zone. But still: don\u2019t knock the concept until you\u2019ve tried it. You may surprise yourself in a very good way, that might help you be a much happier person.<\/p>\n

5. I host informal friends-only cuddle parties.<\/b> I have a circle of cuddly local friends, and we\u2019ve been doing monthly \u201cMovies + Snuggles\u201d parties since June. This is by invitation only, with people who I\u2019m certain are comfortable with casual snuggling and who mostly already know each other. I arrange the space to be conducive to cuddling (pillows and blankets help), serve some light refreshments (I usually offer wine and beer along with soda and snacks\/light appetizers). Then we watch one or two movies or several TV show episodes \u2014 usually comedy or cult classics, chosen by popular demand from the guests. (Apple TV and Netflix are very useful for this.)<\/p>\n

\u2026And we snuggle. At my house, it\u2019s usually just mellow, clothed cuddling and massage. Maybe some exploratory kissing or light erotic touch. When some other friends have hosted, sometimes these gatherings have shaded into more of a sexual play party (they have more space and privacy from neighbors than I do) \u2014 but not an orgy by any means. The emphasis is cuddling, fun, and friendship. It rocks.<\/p>\n

ANYWAY, when I put all this together,<\/i> I manage to give and receive lots of nurturing, affectionate touch on a regular basis even without having a steady boyfriend. And this offers an additional benefit: It encourages me to keep <\/span>my personal standards for intimate relationships very high<\/a>. And I very rarely feel lonely, unwanted, or unloved.<\/span><\/p>\n

Oh, and of course \u2014 when you have lots of ways to meet your needs for touch, whether or not you have some kind of steady lover or partner, it\u2019s much easier find ways to meet your needs for sex, too. Although that\u2019s a separate issue, worthy of a future post.<\/p>\n

How well are you needs for touch and affection being met?<\/b> What are you doing \u2014 and what can you do \u2014 to make that happen? What opportunities and obstacles do you encounter? Please comment below.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Editor’s Note: This week’s guest relationship blogger is Aggie at SoloPoly.com. It’s well known that our physical, emotional and spiritual well-being is greatly enhanced by affectionate, nurturing touch; what’s not as well known are ways to give and receive that touch outside of intimate sexual relationships. — Amanda By Aggie People are really touchy. That … Read more<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":7221,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"generate_page_header":""},"categories":[1769],"tags":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/planetwaves.net\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/77351"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/planetwaves.net\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/planetwaves.net\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/planetwaves.net\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/7221"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/planetwaves.net\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=77351"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/planetwaves.net\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/77351\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/planetwaves.net\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=77351"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/planetwaves.net\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=77351"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/planetwaves.net\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=77351"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}