{"id":77341,"date":"2014-06-21T14:00:54","date_gmt":"2014-06-21T18:00:54","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/planetwaves.net\/news\/?p=77341"},"modified":"2014-06-23T00:00:09","modified_gmt":"2014-06-23T04:00:09","slug":"the-drama-of-the-gifted-relationship","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/planetwaves.net\/news\/relationships-2\/the-drama-of-the-gifted-relationship\/","title":{"rendered":"The Drama of the Gifted Relationship"},"content":{"rendered":"

Editor’s Note:<\/strong> You may have heard Eric interview relationship coach Blair Glaser on Planet Waves FM<\/a> a few weeks ago; today we’re featuring a post from her blog<\/a> and would love to see your responses in the comments section below. — Amanda<\/em><\/p>\n

By Blair Glaser<\/a><\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n

Can you imagine what it must have been like to be in a committed relationship 100 years ago?<\/strong><\/p>\n

First of all, unless you were really brave or duplicitous, your options were limited to marriage with the opposite sex. The word \u201cboundaries\u201d was not yet a household term; women\u2019s feelings were also know as \u201chysteria,\u201d and it was taboo to have an open conversation about sex (well, that one can still be pretty difficult for some).<\/p>\n

\"Relationship
Relationship and organizational coach Blair Glaser.<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

Phew. Sure glad we don\u2019t live in that time. Clearly, that relationship model stopped working a few decades before the feminist revolution gleefully upended it.<\/p>\n

Like most institutions going through revolutionary change, marriage \u2014 or at least the committed relationship \u2014 has catapulted in the opposite direction. Due to the popularity of personal growth prophets and relationship gurus such as Oprah, John Grey, Dr. Phil and Gay Hendricks, people in relationships no longer need to be shackled by gender roles, shame and silence;\u00a0they are instead encouraged to pursue\u00a0the love they want and deserve. Those who are invested in deep and authentic love relationships can openly discuss boundaries, feelings, triggers, and all sorts of issues, and in the absence of traditional role models and societal expectations, many choose to base their relationships on personal or spiritual growth<\/em>.<\/p>\n

In 1979, psychologist Alice Miller published her seminal book The Drama of the Gifted Child<\/em><\/a>, about sensitive\u00a0children who were narcissistically wounded by parents who neglected them emotionally, treated them with contempt or co-opted their dreams. Miller prescribes\u00a0therapy\u00a0as the way out of the stark loneliness and depression of the now-adult child, in order to help him recover his true self from the false persona he developed to meet the needs of his parents.<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

Because relationships bring up so much stuff from childhood, many growth-oriented people have consciously or unconsciously selected their primary relationship as the arena for this deep healing. I call this the Personal Growth\u00a0Model of relationship, or alternately,\u00a0The Drama of the Gifted Relationship.<\/p>\n

The \u2018Gifted Relationship\u2019<\/strong> or Personal Growth Model<\/strong><\/p>\n

The Personal Growth (or Spiritual Growth, depending on what mindset \/ language you embrace) Model of relationship honors the reality\u00a0that\u00a0becoming intimate with another person naturally brings up deep\u00a0fears and wounds from the past.\u00a0Intimates can\u00a0\u201cwork through\u201d these fears and wounds\u00a0together, ideally helping each other grow and\u00a0experience more of the love and acceptance they have always craved but have been blocked from. There is an\u00a0emphasis on becoming aware of and expressing feelings\u00a0as they come up, so that the healing can happen and the relationship does not recreate an emotionally repressed environment from the past.\u00a0Each partner can then experience being authentic and authentically loved.<\/p>\n

The Benefits of\u00a0\u2018Gifted Relationships\u2019<\/strong><\/p>\n

The Personal Growth model for relationships necessitates a lot of safety and emotional intimacy. You get to reveal many sides of yourself and frequently experience your partner in deep states of vulnerability, which ideally strengthens the bond between you. It can provide an\u00a0experience of a deep love that one didn\u2019t have as a child, which can be very restorative. There is a lot of intensity and aliveness as new levels of self are revealed and deep feelings are expressed.<\/p>\n

The Drama of the Gifted Relationship<\/strong><\/p>\n

Here\u2019s what I\u2019m noticing.<\/p>\n

We may be outgrowing a Personal Growth Model of relationships.<\/p>\n

Here\u2019s why:<\/p>\n

1. It Takes a Certain Type<\/strong>\u00a0\u2013 The Personal Growth \u00a0Model of relationship doesn\u2019t appeal to everyone, especially those whose prefer to nurse their wounds in private (this is true for a lot of men in particular)<\/p>\n

2. Transformation is Not Guaranteed<\/strong>\u00a0\u2013 Although emotional processing and psychological insights may help partners feel\u00a0compassion for themselves and each other, they do not necessarily create\u00a0behavioral shifts. This results in frustration.<\/p>\n

3. Exhilarating \/ Exhausting\u00a0<\/strong>\u2013 When wounds are triggered repeatedly and couples are scrambling to\u00a0work though the emotional debris, couples\u00a0suffer from burn out. Some problems from the past cannot be healed by your partner. Confusion about this can lead to frustration, despair, and talking about the relationship and its issues all the time.<\/p>\n

4. It\u2019s Regressive<\/strong> \u2014 The Personal Growth Model of relationship, with its emphasis\u00a0on\u00a0the acceptance and understanding of feelings, puts you in touch with your inner child.\u00a0Nearly any relationship (even with your friends, or your boss) will at times call up younger parts of yourself, but if\u00a0you have no self-care around it and are constantly interacting with others from a young wounded place, you unconsciously invite others\u00a0to play the role of parent, which your partner will inevitably fail at. Besides, the role of parent and the dynamics it creates in romantic relationships is ultimately not great for chemistry.<\/em><\/p>\n

5. It\u2019s Counterproductive \u2013<\/strong> There are times when all the effort towards \u201ctrying to clear the air\u201d and \u201ctrying to work your stuff out\u201d\u00a0detracts from the very intimacy both are seeking.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

You know what I mean if you have once thought or now relate to any of the sentiments below:<\/p>\n

If I have to listen to his \/her feelings about this part of my personality one more time . . .<\/strong><\/em><\/p>\n

If we made love for as many times as we fought about whose turn it is to [<\/em><\/strong>fill in the blank<\/em>], we would be the happiest couple on the block<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n

\u2013or \u2013<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n

The day got off to such a good start, what happened???? How the hell did we end up here . . . again??!!!<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n

Some people who have been enduring the Drama of the Gifted Relationship\u00a0have simply tired of it. They want their relationships to be based on and about something else. Something like pleasure, or creativity, or both.<\/p>\n

We need new models of relationship. The models need to pull from psychology and spirituality, as we learn to understand ourselves and our partners and the dance between us, but also provide something different.<\/em><\/p>\n

I propose using\u00a0basic business and leadership<\/strong> skills to take the drama out of relationships and\u00a0grow\u00a0with your partner<\/strong> towards\u00a0something that you\u00a0build together<\/strong>. \u00a0When you co-create with your partner a vision for the relationship \u2014 like raising a family with integrity, celebrating creativity, or supporting the fulfillment of professional potential \u2014 and you both hold each other accountable for moving towards that vision, you create new guidelines to help you establish what\u2019s really important, when you are going off the rails and how to use your leadership to bring yourselves back on track.\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n

Additionally, each partner needs to cultivate a discipline of self-leadership and learn, as one might in a professional setting, to manage their own emotional responses and sort through them before introducing them into the dynamic.<\/p>\n

———————–<\/p>\n

Note: Subsequent blog posts by Blair Glaser include “case studies of couples that are using a co-leadership model to move out of the friction and into the fun.” We hope to post some of those at a later date if readers are interested. You can find out more information about Blair Glaser and her work at her website, www.blairglaser.com<\/a> — Amanda<\/em><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Editor’s Note: You may have heard Eric interview relationship coach Blair Glaser on Planet Waves FM a few weeks ago; today we’re featuring a post from her blog and would love to see your responses in the comments section below. — Amanda By Blair Glaser Can you imagine what it must have been like to … Read more<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":7221,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"generate_page_header":""},"categories":[1769],"tags":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/planetwaves.net\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/77341"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/planetwaves.net\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/planetwaves.net\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/planetwaves.net\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/7221"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/planetwaves.net\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=77341"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/planetwaves.net\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/77341\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/planetwaves.net\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=77341"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/planetwaves.net\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=77341"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/planetwaves.net\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=77341"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}