{"id":75354,"date":"2014-03-29T14:00:47","date_gmt":"2014-03-29T18:00:47","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/planetwaves.net\/news\/?p=75354"},"modified":"2014-03-31T14:19:18","modified_gmt":"2014-03-31T18:19:18","slug":"call-it-conscious-uncoupling-but-please-dont-call-divorce-failure","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/planetwaves.net\/news\/polyamory\/call-it-conscious-uncoupling-but-please-dont-call-divorce-failure\/","title":{"rendered":"Call It \u2018Conscious Uncoupling,\u2019 But Don\u2019t Call Divorce \u2018Failure\u2019"},"content":{"rendered":"

By Maria Padhila<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n

If you think I\u2019m a snarky bitch now, you should have known me a decade or so ago. I was an early snark adopter — and one of the very first Gwyneth Paltrow snarkers. That latter art has become both a cottage industry and a throwaway line, but this was back when her Goop website was just a gleam in her eye, before the (undeserved) Oscar, even. <\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a>
Poly Paradise at Burning Man. Photo by Eric.<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

I had just been paid to sit through a movie called Sliding Doors<\/em>, which reduced some interesting questions about time, choices, and alternate realities to a couple of pop music montages. One of those horrid rom-cons that turns all the friends of the main character into robot minions who exist only to have chats about the main character\u2019s fascinating life and all the straight men into mere smiles perched on a set of shoulders who exist only to indicate her \u201csuccess\u201d at roping them in. <\/p>\n

The lesson of all such movies is that you don\u2019t have to change your life, your loves, your goals, your society, or your environment — just change your haircut, girl! And put on a little blusher. There you go.<\/p>\n

So her patented moue of humblebrag had driven me mad with irritation for more than 90 minutes, and I had to do the other thing I got paid for then, which was write about the movie, and that\u2019s pretty much what I wrote. While some rose to her defense, I was surprised how many people commented that they agreed with me — just couldn\u2019t stand her!<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

She was in the news again this week, and thanks to the spread of the Internet, the pile-on has increased to petabyte proportions. But this time, I come not to bury Gwyneth, but to praise her.<\/p>\n

Here\u2019s the story. She was married to a rock star, Chris Martin of Coldplay, and they had two children. In addition to acting in films, some good, some bad (I thought she made a beautifully apt Sylvia Plath, for instance — the ambition, the glossed-over resentments, that greyhound-like pursuit of prizes), she runs a magazine-like website called Goop, which is full of her personal tips for living a wonderful life if you\u2019re incredibly rich and privileged. It\u2019s like O, Oprah\u2019s media world, drained of all likeability or relatability. The current issue, for instance, features a pair of black leggings for, holy crap, $450, and what looks like a really fine recipe for huevos rancheros. (Rich people are so weird. They need a recipe to make huevos rancheros? ) <\/p>\n

This week, on her site, she made an announcement under the headline Conscious Uncoupling<\/a>:<\/p>\n

\u201cIt is with hearts full of sadness that we have decided to separate. We have been working hard for well over a year, some of it together, some of it separated, to see what might have been possible between us, and we have come to the conclusion that while we love each other very much we will remain separate. We are, however, and always will be a family, and in many ways we are closer than we have ever been. We are parents first and foremost, to two incredibly wonderful children and we ask for their and our space and privacy to be respected at this difficult time. We have always conducted our relationship privately, and we hope that as we consciously uncouple and coparent, we will be able to continue in the same manner.\u201d<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

This was followed on the site by an article by Drs. Habib Sadeghi and Sherry Sami, explaining the term and the different perspective:<\/p>\n

\u201cDivorce is a traumatic and difficult decision for all parties involved — and there\u2019s arguably no salve besides time to take that pain away. However, when the whole concept of marriage and divorce is reexamined, there\u2019s actually something far more powerful — and positive — at play.<\/p>\n

\u201cThe media likes to throw around the statistic that 50% of all marriages end in divorce. It turns out that\u2019s accurate: Many people are concerned about the divorce rate and see it as an important problem that needs to be fixed. But what if divorce itself isn\u2019t the problem? What if it\u2019s just a symptom of something deeper that needs our attention? The high divorce rate might actually be a calling to learn a new way of being in relationships.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201c\u2026Conscious uncoupling is the ability to understand that every irritation and argument [within a marriage] was a signal to look inside ourselves and identify a negative internal object that needed healing …. From this perspective, there are no bad guys, just two people \u2026 it’s about people as individuals, not just the relationship.\u201d <\/p><\/blockquote>\n

A Washington Post<\/a> article further explains the origins of \u201cconscious uncoupling\u201d:<\/p>\n

\u201cThe term was coined by a Los Angeles therapist and author, Katherine Woodward Thomas, who has created a five-step \u2018Conscious Uncoupling\u2019 online process — to \u2018release the trauma of a breakup, reclaim your power and reinvent your life.\u2019<\/p>\n

\u201cSpeaking by telephone Wednesday from Costa Rica, where she traveled to write her second book — called, not surprisingly, Conscious Uncoupling<\/em> — Thomas explained that her goal was \u2018to create a map for a couple to consciously complete a relationship — to have an honorable ending.\u2019<\/p>\n

\u201cThomas said that the assumption that people will have only one lifetime partner, and that anything else is a failure, comes from a time long ago when the lifespan was much shorter.<\/p>\n

\u2018I\u2019m a fan of marriage, but I recognize that most people in their lives will have two to three long-time relationships — which means one to two breakups. And so we need to learn how to do this better,\u2019 she said.<\/p>\n

\u201cThomas said she doesn\u2019t know Paltrow, but applauded what she called her and Martin\u2019s courage in the way they announced their breakup. \u2018They\u2019re modeling this for the world,\u2019 she said.\u201d<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

Then the pile-on started. The tsking! The taking to task! The din of requests that we \u201cthink of the children\u201d! The parodies! The snark! The affirmations of affronts to decency that a couple of rich celebrities didn\u2019t have the decency to be ashamed of splitting up! <\/p>\n

Maybe it was the word \u201cconsciously\u201d that put everyone over the top. Because you\u2019re not really supposed to make conscious decisions when it comes to relationships — you\u2019re supposed to be swept away by your soul mate, and if the union does dissolve, it\u2019s supposed to be in anger, jealousy and recrimination.<\/p>\n

And shame. I never got so mad at a girlfriend as I did when she offhandedly referred to her \u201cfailed marriage.\u201d This is not the SATs. This is life. Relationships grow, change, and live. They live in all kinds of forms and circumstances. For me, there\u2019s nothing to be ashamed of or feel like a \u201cfailure\u201d for when a relationship changes. It\u2019s like being ashamed of autumn. It just happens. It always is happening.<\/p>\n

I\u2019m one of those poly people who never want to break up with anyone or let anyone go. I\u2019m always clinging to relationships in some form, even if that can only be in memory. I want the people I love to keep growing and changing and moving along, even if that means I\u2019m not part of that anymore. It\u2019s a paradox, but the relationships, for me, continue, and I\u2019m not talking about stalking them on Facebook. I\u2019m talking about the same kind of invisible connection that allows me to find pleasure in the people I love being with other people. <\/p>\n

I know that in a way it\u2019s silly to take seriously anything celebrities do, but like it or not, they\u2019re visible and they have positions from which they can send out some valuable messages. Not a week goes by that several celebrities don\u2019t show up in Washington, and guess what? They get to testify to committees, they get access, they host events, and they shine their reflected glory on issues from women\u2019s rights to international health. Good job using your powers for good, Ironman\u2019s boring girlfriend!<\/p>\n

So go ahead and make fun of the $100 hand cream or the organic salt. But when it comes to a woman exploring another way to look at her relationship, to preserve some kindness and connection to her children\u2019s father, to make it visible to others far and wide that we don\u2019t have to end our relationships in a pile of broken glass and bills? When there\u2019s someone out there who\u2019s using her power and visibility to consciously uncouple all the negativity from divorce and point out that all relationships evolve, that none are impervious to change? You won\u2019t hear a bit of snark from me.<\/p>\n

—————–<\/p>\n

Have you tried the Planet Waves premium membership? Sign up for a six-month membership<\/a> and receive weekly and monthly horoscopes by Eric Francis, plus more. Eric’s horoscopes offer perspectives on your relationships, family dynamics, career and creativity like no other horoscopes online.<\/strong><\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

By Maria Padhila If you think I\u2019m a snarky bitch now, you should have known me a decade or so ago. I was an early snark adopter — and one of the very first Gwyneth Paltrow snarkers. That latter art has become both a cottage industry and a throwaway line, but this was back when … Read more<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":7221,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"generate_page_header":""},"categories":[207],"tags":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/planetwaves.net\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/75354"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/planetwaves.net\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/planetwaves.net\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/planetwaves.net\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/7221"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/planetwaves.net\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=75354"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/planetwaves.net\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/75354\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/planetwaves.net\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=75354"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/planetwaves.net\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=75354"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/planetwaves.net\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=75354"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}