{"id":75180,"date":"2014-03-22T14:00:22","date_gmt":"2014-03-22T18:00:22","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/planetwaves.net\/news\/?p=75180"},"modified":"2014-03-21T19:50:38","modified_gmt":"2014-03-21T23:50:38","slug":"three-things-that-kill-communication","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/planetwaves.net\/news\/polyamory\/three-things-that-kill-communication\/","title":{"rendered":"Three Things That Kill Communication"},"content":{"rendered":"

By Maria Padhila<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n

This blog post is not going to be Nice. It\u2019s going to be grumpy and finger pointing and complaining and I. Don\u2019t. Care. <\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a>
Poly Paradise at Burning Man. Photo by Eric.<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

The habit of requiring niceness from everyone around you, at every exchange, is one that is pretty much guaranteed not to get anyone to speak to you honestly ever again. I think there are lots of ways to be both kind and honest<\/a>. Much of these require the conscious creation of an environment where listening matters. This is why you rarely find kind and honest speech on the Internet, right? <\/p>\n

In the attempt to be nice about everything, even when one\u2019s own discomfort or anger is triggered, some twisted forms of exchange have become more common. With Mars retrograde in Libra — force in diplomacy — the manipulative and the weaselly is ascendant. I know this: I have Mars in Libra (they call us the iron fist in the velvet glove), and Mars turned around right on top of my Mercury\/Mars conjunction. <\/p>\n

So I decided to take a look at three of these things that really set me off — and I\u2019ll tell you that straight out. They can also do a number on your relationships, polyamorous or otherwise.<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

1. Concern trolling:<\/strong> Have you ever once in your life found the words \u201cIt\u2019s for your own good\u201d to ring true?<\/p>\n

Well, maybe once, when I was stretched out over a leather chair and being spanked at a party. But that was long ago, in my 40s. I\u2019d venture that no one to whom that phrase is addressed seriously has ever agreed that what is being told to them or done to them is in any way good.<\/p>\n

But \u201cfor your own good\u201d is the concern trolling rallying cry. The concern troll pretends to agree with you and be on your side, but then asks questions and makes statements that make it clear where he or she really stands. You can find your own definitions, but this article<\/a> is a pretty good primer. (It\u2019s really good, because it has as one example Chris Christie. I agree with few of his policies, but boy do I agree with what he says here.)<\/p>\n

This behavior abounds on the Internet, but everyone has seen it in real life, as well. The speech is gentle and the style is meek and kind — no yelling and cussing here to tip you off to the boundaries being crossed. The question mark is the mark of danger. \u201cDo you need to eat that?\u201d is a big one among this type. For me, from strangers\/acquaintances, it shows up in questions or statements like: <\/p>\n

\u2022\t\u201cAren\u2019t you worried that you\u2019ll get a disease?\u201d (Oh no, dear, never! I\u2019m as carefree as a plague rat in a London tavern!)
\n\u2022\t\u201cI support the right to be polyamorous. I just worry about the children.\u201d (Because this one was so often used against interracial marriage, it makes my blood really boil.)
\n\u2022\t\u201cHave you ever explored the reasons why you need so much male attention?\u201d (Have you ever explored the reasons why you need so much of my attention?)
\n\u2022\t\u201cIs this really fair to your (other)? It seems like (he\/she\/they) get a raw deal here.\u201d (Maybe you should ask her.)<\/p>\n

I know. You\u2019re just asking because you care. May I ask you an honest question? Have you listened to yourself lately? Because, as this blogger points out<\/a>, it sounds like maybe you\u2019re looking pretty hard for some validation. Do you think?<\/p>\n

Yes, there is a healthy place to confront the ones you love when you feel they\u2019re doing something that is hurting them or others. And injustices and wrongs need to be addressed. The key to stopping this is owning it: Say right out you feel bad that you can\u2019t talk to your friend easily anymore, because when you get together now, she\u2019s drinking and it doesn\u2019t feel to you like she\u2019s tracking. Owning your discomfort and admitting your ignorance and boundaries go a long way to stopping this one. <\/p>\n

2. Compassion baiting:<\/strong> This is one I\u2019d felt but couldn\u2019t put a name to until Amanda copied me on this article from the Buddhist Peace Fellowship<\/a>. It was a feeling that had been building up as my mailbox and Facebook feed filled up with more and more severely stated orders to PRACTICE COMPASSION and FORGIVE and LET IT GO and DANCE and SING and SIT DOWN and SHUT UP. I hope you\u2019ll click through to the whole thing, because it breaks the process down into five easy pieces, and goes into a recent problem in *trans issues that could be pretty enlightening to many:<\/p>\n

Unfortunately, we spiritual-progressive types, including but not limited to dharma heads, seem to be particularly prone to something I call compassion-baiting.<\/p>\n

General compassion-baiting sounds something like:
\nTry having more compassion. If you did, you\u2019d see things my way.<\/em>\u2028 <\/p>\n

And in social justice situations, specifically, compassion-baiting often sounds like:
\nYou\u2019re more upset \/ loud \/ angry about social harm than I, arbiter, deem appropriate. You must therefore be lacking in wisdom or compassion.<\/em><\/p>\n

… there\u2019s a shadow side. I\u2019ve seen no small amount of compassion-baiting that uses the kindness or non-harshness element of Right Speech [a Buddhist concept] to shut down valid criticisms and dismiss demands for justice. And that can be incredibly frustrating. \u2026<\/p>\n

Don\u2019t get me wrong: forgiveness is wonderful. There are many uplifting stories about people who have managed to forgive those who have gravely harmed them, or harmed the people they love. This is amazing and important work. Many people describe it as immensely freeing, and I think that\u2019s why we\u2019re so eager to share it with others. But we can use it as inspiration, as an option, offered considerately — rather than a standard by which to judge (or hasten) spiritual maturity.\u201d<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

Once I found myself in a rental house full of those little signs and plaques and needlepoint pillows ordering me to LIVE and LOVE and RELAX. It was a veritable passive-aggressive palace. Eventually, when we passed in the halls we took to shouting \u201cDANCE\u201d and pointing finger guns at each others\u2019 feet. Very spiritually immature, I guess, but it amused us. <\/p>\n

Would you say to a friend grieving a death, \u201cYou seem to be taking this really hard! I thought you\u2019d be over it by now? When are you going to get tired of talking about this? Are you going to let this experience define you?\u201d<\/p>\n

Then why are we OK saying these things to those who have been injured by other issues in life? And bigotry is like the experience of a fresh injury daily. <\/p>\n

Instead, I can clearly express to someone that living in the gloom pavilion makes me uncomfortable and brings up my own grief, and so I can\u2019t be there for that person as much as they\u2019d like. Wow, that makes me sound like a real jerk. Like I’m the one who\u2019s lacking compassion. And then I can own that, too. And say I get it, and I\u2019m not discounting or diminishing their grief. I\u2019d just like to spend some time in a place that\u2019s not about grief, for my own benefit, and I\u2019d like to have them there with me. And if they can\u2019t, I accept that. <\/p>\n

But when you say that, when you stop ordering someone to DANCE or if you refuse to DANCE, you risk someone getting mad at you. Which can lead to…<\/p>\n

3. The Fake Apology.<\/strong> \u201cI\u2019m sorry you choose to see it that way.\u201d I get this one all the time, often from people very close to me. I suppose I could choose to see it as a Cirque de Soleil performance, or as a shipping container full of lovely coconuts, or as an amber field of grain waving on the Kansas plain, but that would be delusional. Instead, I\u2019m going to see precisely what you\u2019re showing me.<\/p>\n

Maybe the problem is the way you\u2019re seeing it. <\/p>\n

Again, it\u2019s all about owning it. If you\u2019re not sorry, then don\u2019t apologize, and accept that some people might not want to have much to do with you after that. \u201cI\u2019m sorry you choose\u201d practitioners want to get a twofer — they want credit for apologizing PLUS the satisfaction of being able to blame someone else. And you can even layer one more on there — you get to add in an implicit criticism of the reliability of the other person\u2019s perceptions, and a claim that you should have the last word when it comes to their perceptions. That starts moving into \u201cgaslighting\u201d territory — and is pretty evil. <\/p>\n

I\u2019ve quoted The Polyamorist Misanthrope<\/a> here before, but her column has what I think is the definitive word on this:<\/p>\n

Finally, how\u2019s your personal account balance? Not just your bank account, but your own personal time bank? Does it seem to be diminishing, and not just for the usual reasons (you\u2019re a parent, you devote a lot of time to a particular hobby or enthusiasm, you work a lot of hours)? Does it ever seem as though, far from being able to plan things out in any kind of long-term, that you\u2019re instead hopping from one emergency to the next, and that there\u2019s never quite enough time to satisfactorily resolve Problem No. 81 before Problem No. 82 crash-lands on you? Does it feel as though there\u2019s a consistent pattern of never-quite-resolved turmoil, and that brief moments of relative calm are just that: brief? A state of constant crisis is not healthy, be it a friendship, a romantic relationship, a term of employment, or a government in relation to its own citizens. Conduct periodic audits of your time bank (and be just as ruthless about it as an IRS agent). There could well be some creeping concessions lurking just out of view; somewhere back in the fogginess of your own memory, the mouse may have demanded more than just a cookie. Repeated patterns of sleep deprivation and never-ending financial shortfalls could conceivably also serve as a heads-up. Again, see what your gut instinct has to say about it.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

That piece about going from crisis to crisis is certainly interesting. In fact, you could say it applies pretty well to our current political situation. I\u2019m sorry I see it that way. Really, I am.<\/p>\n

Have you tried the Planet Waves premium membership? Sign up for a six-month membership<\/a> and receive weekly and monthly horoscopes by Eric Francis, plus more. Eric’s horoscopes offer perspectives on your relationships, family dynamics, career and creativity like no other horoscopes online.<\/strong><\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

By Maria Padhila This blog post is not going to be Nice. It\u2019s going to be grumpy and finger pointing and complaining and I. Don\u2019t. Care. The habit of requiring niceness from everyone around you, at every exchange, is one that is pretty much guaranteed not to get anyone to speak to you honestly ever … Read more<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":7221,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"generate_page_header":""},"categories":[207],"tags":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/planetwaves.net\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/75180"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/planetwaves.net\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/planetwaves.net\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/planetwaves.net\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/7221"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/planetwaves.net\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=75180"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/planetwaves.net\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/75180\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/planetwaves.net\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=75180"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/planetwaves.net\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=75180"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/planetwaves.net\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=75180"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}