{"id":74679,"date":"2014-03-01T14:00:25","date_gmt":"2014-03-01T19:00:25","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/planetwaves.net\/news\/?p=74679"},"modified":"2014-03-01T20:47:15","modified_gmt":"2014-03-02T01:47:15","slug":"a-jealous-young-man-from-nantucket-and-other-poems","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/planetwaves.net\/news\/polyamory\/a-jealous-young-man-from-nantucket-and-other-poems\/","title":{"rendered":"‘A Jealous Young Man From Nantucket’ And Other Poems"},"content":{"rendered":"

By Maria Padhila<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n

I am sooooo jealous. Not of any of my lovers. No, they can skip off and have whatever fun they like, and I will smile and compersionize away, curled up with a book while they\u2019re swinging from the chandelier with someone new. I\u2019m jealous of \u201cwriter friends,\u201d as they\u2019re termed in an essay that crossed my path the other day: \u201cHow Not to Hate Your Friends,\u201d<\/a> by Courtney Maum in the Tin House literary magazine blog. <\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a>
Poly Paradise at Burning Man. Photo by Eric.<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

The article is about the AWP (Association of Writers and Writing Programs) conference, which is sort of the SXSW for poets and literary writers. Yeah, I know — how much more obscure can you get? But for those of us who are into this kind of thing, it\u2019s the most happening scene of the year. I was lucky a few years back when it was in DC, and there were plenty of free readings at bars and galleries around the city, so I got to be in on it without having to pay a lot of money or actually publish or be known. <\/p>\n

But as much as I love the OPP (Other People\u2019s Poetry), it would still be nice not to have gotten the rejection email that came in just today, for instance. Will anyone ever like my poems? Do I suck? Am I wasting my time? Am I a fool? At poetry gatherings, the combination of self-consciousness, introvert pain, social awkwardness, disappointed expectations, and comparing (and let\u2019s add some alcohol!) can turn toxic fast. It\u2019s just a little bit worse than some polyamory potlucks.<\/p>\n

When I did a search on \u201cAWP jealousy,\u201d I was truly shocked at how many blog entries there were out there that made just this reference. It is really tough when you know damn well you\u2019re not too likely to have anyone recognize that the value of what to you is like breathing. I\u2019m always happy to see people share poems and music (and even photos and paintings) in the Planet Waves comments for this reason. If we don\u2019t throw it out there to the world somehow, it dies. <\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

Before I go much further I want to pass on a recommendation for a recent book specific to poly jealousy: The Jealousy Workbook<\/em><\/a>, by Kathy Labriola. It is getting lots of fine reviews, and the exercises in it can be done solo or by more than one. <\/p>\n

As I read about \u201cwriter friend jealousy,\u201d I recognized a lot of similarities to what people have written about polyamory and jealousy. But while there are many guides out there about how not to be jealous of your lovers, there aren\u2019t as many that advise on how not to be jealous of your friends, and I\u2019d respectfully submit that maybe that information is needed just as badly.<\/p>\n

When you\u2019re in a relationship with several people, you can put in all the rules you want about exchanging bodily fluids and days of the week and who gets which pillow. But we all know the things that cause the fights are more often things like whether you watched that movie with X when Y wanted you to save it and go with her. And because the lover\/friend continuum can be so fluid in polyamory, maybe it wouldn\u2019t hurt to focus on the friend rules a little harder. Roommate rules, too — I know one of the things that makes a big difference to Isaac is taking care of the French press (no, that is not an obscure term for whatever new position the young people are doing today) and leaving it ready for him in the morning, for instance, even if I\u2019ve made coffee for Chris the evening before. <\/p>\n

This is working at the level of kindness, politeness, consideration, grace — not at the deep level where the lover jealousy dwells for many people. That deeper level is easier for me to transform — I don\u2019t encounter it very starkly to begin with, and I can move my emotions around there easily. At this lighter level, however, it\u2019s more difficult. While I can fake it, I\u2019m always interested in ways that could help me really make it. So here\u2019s a breakdown of Maum\u2019s tips, and a look at how they can apply to love — or anywhere else in life. After a hotshot start as a writer, she experienced a big setback:<\/p>\n

As Oscar Wilde so wisely stated, \u201cAnybody can sympathize with the sufferings of a friend, but it requires a very fine nature to sympathize with a friend\u2019s success.\u201d The game changes when your friends start getting published in magazines, getting agents, and landing book deals\u2026 I don\u2019t write well when I\u2019m angry, or feel slighted, or when I\u2019m holding a grudge, and grudge-holding was pretty much my modus operandi<\/em> for much of the mid-aughts. It took me three years and two bad novels to cleanse myself of the jealousy and resentment that turned my heart against my successful writing friends, but it eventually became clear that I wasn\u2019t going to get good work done until I felt unadulterated goodwill towards my colleagues — especially the hot shots. It was a tough thing to accomplish, so I\u2019ve compiled some tips about how I managed to do this in hopes that other struggling writers might find them helpful, too.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

Sounds pretty familiar to anyone poly. Jealousy hurts all relationships in the mix — and it sucks up energy you could use somewhere else. Here\u2019s her first rule:<\/p>\n

Only be friends with people you actually like.<\/strong> In our follow-back social media culture, this is harder than it sounds. Writer relationships involve politics, which is why we end up with so many expedient friends — people whose good grace might serve a purpose later on. Unfriend these scarecrows, now. You don\u2019t have to say nasty things behind their backs at book parties, but if their status updates make you want to hurl your laptop into the drywall, purge them from your life. Why make every visit to the Internet feel like you\u2019re poisoning yourself?<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

This is huge. As much as I long to stay friends with everyone I\u2019ve ever loved, there are some with whom I just can\u2019t do it. And there are lots of \u201cfriend collectors\u201d out there who are just looking for a bigger audience. I\u2019m going to let some go.<\/p>\n

Only be friends with people whose writing you respect.<\/strong> There\u2019s a big difference between \u201clike\u201d and \u201crespect.\u201d You don\u2019t have to like Marlon\u2019s MFA poetry thesis about medieval shipbuilding, but if you don\u2019t respect it, you shouldn\u2019t be in his life. Being friends with people whose work you think is less-than doesn\u2019t make you charitable, it makes you a condescending jerk.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

You could extend this from \u201cwriting you respect\u201d to just plain \u201crespect.\u201d There\u2019s a big phony player out there with a pseudo-Buddha quote for every day of the week, but you\u2019ve seen him snipe at his lover or treat her with disrespect? Out he goes. Or less obvious: Don\u2019t be friends or lovers with people you don\u2019t respect enough to be honest with. <\/p>\n

\nGet to the root of your jealousy.<\/strong> \u2026 If Linda\u2019s recent proliferation of op-ed pieces is making you want to poke your eyes out with an egg beater, you\u2019re probably having issues with under-productivity \u2026 . Admit you\u2019re jealous. Having done this myself, I can assure you that coming clean about your feelings can do worlds for your emotional balance, and for the friendship, too. And don\u2019t be glib about it with an immature, \u201cI hate you!\u201d Really put it out there that you are having a hard time being happy for your friend. She knows you\u2019ve been faking it, anyway.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

These two are usually the go-tos for poly jealousy. Talk it out with yourself, then talk it out with the others — and that \u201crespect means honesty\u201d thing? That works here, too: be honest about the extent of your emotions, instead of devaluing yourself and the relationships by trying to play it off. This doesn\u2019t mean being a jerk and going into the \u201cyou\u2019re making me jealous\u201d mode, either. I believe we owe it to the people we\u2019re in relationships with to own what\u2019s going on with ourselves.<\/p>\n

And finally: <\/p>\n

Now go be happy for them, damnit!<\/strong> It takes work to get there, but it\u2019s liberating to feel genuine happiness for a friend\u2019s success. And the great thing about bonhomie<\/em> is that it tends to have a boomerang effect: People who have known you as an agenda-free cheerleader will be more likely to raise those pompoms when it\u2019s your turn on the field. Personally, purging toxic friendships has left me with less acquaintances but with more genuine friends, which consequently leaves me with more time to write because I\u2019m no longer mired in the busy work it takes to keep insincere relationships afloat. It\u2019s also seen me surrounded with superior role models whose writing I honestly admire, which makes me put my nose to the ground and work, not because I want to outshine them, but because I feel inspired. It\u2019s a good place to be in, and if this equanimity doesn\u2019t last, I\u2019ll try very hard to take my own advice.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

It\u2019s this last part that made me say: \u201cThat\u2019s so poly!\u201d when I read it. To me, this is truly compersion in action — working through an emotional process and coming out the better for it.<\/p>\n

Have you tried the Planet Waves premium membership? Sign up for a six-month membership<\/a> and receive weekly and monthly horoscopes by Eric Francis, plus more. Eric’s horoscopes offer perspectives on your relationships, family dynamics, career and creativity like no other horoscopes online.<\/strong><\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

By Maria Padhila I am sooooo jealous. Not of any of my lovers. No, they can skip off and have whatever fun they like, and I will smile and compersionize away, curled up with a book while they\u2019re swinging from the chandelier with someone new. I\u2019m jealous of \u201cwriter friends,\u201d as they\u2019re termed in an … Read more<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":7221,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"generate_page_header":""},"categories":[207],"tags":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/planetwaves.net\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/74679"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/planetwaves.net\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/planetwaves.net\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/planetwaves.net\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/7221"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/planetwaves.net\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=74679"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/planetwaves.net\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/74679\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/planetwaves.net\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=74679"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/planetwaves.net\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=74679"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/planetwaves.net\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=74679"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}