{"id":71319,"date":"2013-10-26T14:00:42","date_gmt":"2013-10-26T18:00:42","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/planetwaves.net\/news\/?p=71319"},"modified":"2013-10-25T16:13:36","modified_gmt":"2013-10-25T20:13:36","slug":"when-more-love-means-more-parents","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/planetwaves.net\/news\/polyamory\/when-more-love-means-more-parents\/","title":{"rendered":"When More Love Means More Parents"},"content":{"rendered":"

By Maria Padhila<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n

While we were all being distracted by the imminent government shutdown, interesting things happened! And this time there were some good things! <\/p>\n

If you\u2019re a typical Planet Waves reader (if there is such a thing), you\u2019ve gotten used to thinking of everything that happens as an attempted distraction from something more important that you\u2019re not supposed to be paying attention to (see Trans-Pacific Partnership). <\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a>
Poly Paradise at Burning Man. Photo by Eric.<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

But this time, it was a law in California that could have interesting results for poly families and for families of all kinds. Governor Jerry Brown of California signed a bill permitting a child to have more than two parents. There\u2019s not another law like it in any state. Occasionally, according to gay and lesbian family law expert Nancy Polikioff, there can be a third-parent adoption in special cases, but this is the first time there has been a flat-out law permitting it. In her blog, \u201cBeyond (Straight and Gay) Marriage<\/a>, Polikoff writes:<\/p>\n

This statutory authorization, however, is most likely to impact heterosexuals, given how much divorce and remarriage there is. The provision will mean that if both the custodial and the noncustodial parent agree, then the custodial parent’s new husband will be able to adopt the child without terminating the rights of the noncustodial parent. I have been advocating such a possibility for years, but this is the first law explicitly sanctioning such arrangements. The divorce rate of second marriages is at least as high as that of first marriages, which means that down the road we will be looking at multiple parent custody and visitation arrangements on a regular basis.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

That could be a little sad. But it beats the alternative, of a child having to leave behind someone who was important to her. Polikoff goes on to write:<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

\u201cAmong LGBT families, I expect to see four-parent adoptions as well. If a gay male couple and a lesbian couple want to raise a child, the new statute will allow the partners of both biological parents to become adoptive parents.\u201d<\/p>\n

Ooops. Somehow I don\u2019t think these were the outcomes conservatives were hoping for. <\/p>\n

I don\u2019t know if it was the distraction or if they\u2019re just really embarrassed, but the rabid right didn\u2019t appear to have much to say about this one. I found a few references out there to \u201cGovernor Moonbeam\u201d and \u201cLinda Ronstadt\u2019s ex-boyfriend,\u201d both of which seem less insulting than something to high-five over.<\/p>\n

As Slate\u2019s Amanda Marcotte put it in the blog post \u201cConservatives: Your Plan Backfired<\/a>, it was pretty quiet out there. Maybe too quiet. Most of the Christian bloggers and \u201cnews\u201d organizations contented themselves to quote \u201cBrad Dacus, the president of the conservative Pacific Justice Institute, who told the LA Times<\/em>, \u2018The ones who are going to pay the price are not the activists, but it’s going to be children, who will see greater conflict and indecision over matters involving their well-being.\u2019”<\/p>\n

Marcotte continues:<\/p>\n

By Dacus’ logic, the ideal number of parents is one, because then there’s no chance for conflict when it comes to child-rearing decisions. But that argument — that more parents mean more problems for the child — directly contradicts the conservative claim that single mothers are ruining the children of America.<\/p>\n

You can see the problem here. As Hanna Rosin pointed out in Slate<\/em> when the bill was first drafted, conservative emphasis on the dangers of raising a child by yourself created the context for this law. What the reaction to this law signals may be a sea change in how \u2018the family\u2019 is discussed in the public sphere. The long-standing conservative argument that holds that two parents are better than one hasn’t done much to stem the tide of single motherhood, but it has been used to advance important items in the progressive agenda, such as legalizing gay marriage and this new law in California that makes it easier for people to create stability in their non-traditional families.<\/p>\n

Maybe conservatives have been relatively quiet on this new law because they are brainstorming a different strategy to argue against any family that isn’t the male-led nuclear one of their dreams. Or maybe they have nowhere else to go but to come around.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

Better a poly mom(s) than a single mom? You know, I\u2019m not going to let a couple right-wingers who can\u2019t even get it up for a protest over this one throw us into a cat fight. There are lots of great single moms, and lots of great poly moms, and a few bad parents of every conceivable configuration. It\u2019s not about whether you\u2019re single, married, engaged or in a pod. It\u2019s about what kind of parent you\u2019re committed to being, and how you get that done every day.<\/p>\n

The law is the result of what looks to be some bad parenting: two moms and a dad, all of whom seem to get into trouble with drugs and the law and abusive significant others. (None of the abusers have parental rights. They just were boyfriends and girlfriends of the parents involved.) It\u2019s such an icky case that it makes me not even want to trumpet the law, but as lawyer Joanna L. Grossman writes in Justia.com Verdict<\/a>:<\/p>\n

There\u2019s an old adage that says \u2018Bad facts make bad law,\u2019 a reference to the sometimes tortured precedents that result when courts apply law to very unusual situations. But could this be a case in which bad facts have actually led to good law? \u2026 [T]here may well be other children whose lives fit the legislature\u2019s image — who are conceived and raised in situations in which a two-parent cap is the source of harm and deprivation. While the very existence of such families may seem novel, or even scary to the traditionalists, they are a reality of modern life. And children should not suffer due to the law\u2019s desire to cling to the past<\/strong>.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

Emphasis mine, by the way. What little \u201cChristian\u201d commentary there was tried to get an argumentative footing on the slippery slope, without much success: \u201cChildren are put at risk due to the instability and poor decisions of the adults in their lives,\u201d groused The Christian Post<\/a><\/em>. \u201cBut aside from the prospect of getting more birthday presents, children gain little from this legislation. That’s not the purpose of it. Rather, the law furthers the strident effort to normalize and accommodate relationships of choice.\u201d <\/p>\n

As one commenter on Gawker put it: \u201cIt\u2019s weird because didn\u2019t Jesus have two daddies and one mommy?\u201d (Another knockout comment: \u201cIf you let a child have three parents, what\u2019s to stop that child from having three dogs, or three horses?\u201d)<\/p>\n

Other commenters around the Internets are applauding the law as a step toward being able to legally adopt or be adopted by stepparents, without having to ask one parent to fully give up parental rights. This would mean, for instance, that a child of a couple who split up and married others could be adopted by the other partners — and could conceivably have four parents. <\/p>\n

I don\u2019t like the idea of children being passed around and experiencing instability in their living arrangements at all. I mean, we don\u2019t even have a pet because I can\u2019t guarantee that it would get all it needs — we\u2019re too busy meeting each other\u2019s needs. People know I spend most nights home with my daughter, Tobi (home, or driving her to her dance classes and shows, a 15-hour a week gig). It\u2019s what she wants, and as long as she\u2019s happy, healthy, has some time for her friends and hits the marks we\u2019ve established at school, I\u2019m down to make it happen. That\u2019s how it works.<\/p>\n

But I\u2019ve had enough late meetings and big scares that turned out to be twisted ankles to be glad this only child has a big network of trusted and trustworthy adults who can pitch in. I like to take it slow when it comes to bringing new people into our child\u2019s life, and Isaac, her father, gets absolute say at every step. I knew Chris for at least three months before he even met Tobi, and for months after that, he rarely saw her. He helped me paint her room while she was away at camp, but still hardly knew her. <\/p>\n

Slowly and naturally, we built up these deep friendships and connections, and now both she and Isaac know he\u2019s someone they can count on. It was after we\u2019d been going out for almost a year that he fished her out of the river during our fateful family tubing trip (followed the next day with my emergency appendectomy and Isaac taking our single-mom friend to the hospital to have her baby). <\/p>\n

I know from experience that crazy can happen to anyone — and when it does, it\u2019s pretty great to have more than one heart and two hands.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

By Maria Padhila While we were all being distracted by the imminent government shutdown, interesting things happened! And this time there were some good things! If you\u2019re a typical Planet Waves reader (if there is such a thing), you\u2019ve gotten used to thinking of everything that happens as an attempted distraction from something more important … Read more<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":7221,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"generate_page_header":""},"categories":[207],"tags":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/planetwaves.net\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/71319"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/planetwaves.net\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/planetwaves.net\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/planetwaves.net\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/7221"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/planetwaves.net\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=71319"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/planetwaves.net\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/71319\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/planetwaves.net\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=71319"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/planetwaves.net\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=71319"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/planetwaves.net\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=71319"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}