{"id":71132,"date":"2013-10-19T14:00:05","date_gmt":"2013-10-19T18:00:05","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/planetwaves.net\/news\/?p=71132"},"modified":"2013-10-18T12:30:40","modified_gmt":"2013-10-18T16:30:40","slug":"its-always-open-season-on-unicorn-hunters","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/planetwaves.net\/news\/polyamory\/its-always-open-season-on-unicorn-hunters\/","title":{"rendered":"It’s Always Open Season on “Unicorn Hunters”"},"content":{"rendered":"

By Maria Padhila<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n

There’s a phenomenon in most tribes where there’s one kind of person or behavior that it’s OK to disparage. In poly, I think that position is occupied by the “unicorn hunter.”<\/p>\n

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Poly Paradise at Burning Man. Photo by Eric.<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

This usually means a male\/female couple who want to form a relationship with a woman. If you are new to poly, and go online or to an event and tell people you’re part of such a couple and you’re looking for a third, you’re likely to get scorched by the responses. The flames and shunnings arise out of a collection of assumptions all around that are worth examining, and many in the poly community have.<\/p>\n

Where does this angry reaction come from? I don’t want to link to the negative posts and blog entries on the topic, so I’ll just summarize the arguments against, then quote some who present a more inclusive and tolerant view, or who are trying to forge some kind of understanding.<\/p>\n

It\u2019s not the Unicorn part, it\u2019s the hunting part: The name itself is a trifle pejorative, as it assumes predatory behavior. And that assumption is at the base of what most dislike about this practice. You have a specific set of qualifications that you\u2019re looking for, and you overlook anyone else during the hunt, not bothering to make friends, cultivate community, or bring much to the table. I can understand why people would find this obnoxious. I\u2019d just say it would be nice to give someone a chance before assuming they\u2019re a devoted \u201chunter\u201d and not simply expressing a desire.<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

Couple privilege<\/strong>: More and more people are beginning to recognize that this exists. Even without monogamy, there can be an unacknowledged privilege on the part of couples. The couple relationship (even same-sex couple relationships) is seen as the \u201creal\u201d relationship, with the others as \u201csecondary.\u201d Some are starting to turn aside the term \u201csecondary\u201d altogether. Solo polyamorists \u2013 people who like to have many relationships but not be part of a couple \u2013 are left out entirely in this world view. In this view, the unicorn becomes a plaything for the couple to take or leave as they choose — obviously not a fair or kind dynamic. Here\u2019s a link<\/a>\u00a0from — hey! — the Solopoly blog that explains more if you\u2019d like to learn more about this.<\/p>\n

Unicorn privilege<\/strong>: The sign says: Single ladies always free! Nearly every play-party type event wants single women, and they’ll even go to some lengths to attract them. Single men? Not only not welcome — they usually have to pay a ridiculously large admission fee — but sometimes not allowed. There are some exceptions (lifestyle events where women want to enjoy several men each), but in general, single women are sought after.<\/p>\n

I have to be honest: when I first started looking into poly life, with my ongoing pathology about being unwelcome and unwanted, I had a twinge of “oooh, here’s a world where everyone will love me, because I’m a bisexual woman!” Of course, I had to do the usual that one does with shadow material — laugh at myself, dig it out, process on my own, lather rinse repeat; you can’t rely on outside people or circumstances to fix this kind of thing. But in addition, it’s not true. I get the same amount of initial love, attention, and hit-upon-ness in the poly world as I do outside of it, which isn’t a hell of a lot. Being a bisexual woman hasn’t made me a hot commodity. Maybe thinking unicorns are so sought after is just an illusion?<\/p>\n

Closed-mindedness<\/strong>: Why can’t you think outside the box you’ve put yourself in when it comes to what’s attractive? Men hunting unicorns: Isn’t it a possibility that you could be attracted to another man? I don\u2019t know how practical it is to ask people to play against type. Aren\u2019t we all entitled to our tastes, after all? When does a preference become dehumanizing? At what point does taste become closed-mindedness? Can you change your inclinations — and more important, should you ever have to? I don\u2019t have any of the answers, but these are questions that come up for me when I think about the hostility against \u201cunicorn hunters.\u201d<\/p>\n

OPP and denial of women’s autonomy<\/strong>: This one assumes that the woman in the couple is “just going along” with her man’s Playboy fantasy, and that if she suggested that she be able to have relationships with other men, the man would suddenly decide “oh, we’re not poly anymore.” (This is a.k.a. OPP, or the One Penis Policy.) That’s a mighty big assumption. What if the woman wants a relationship with another woman? It’s also a fairly easy one to test. Is the woman dating on her own, or only as an accessory to the man in the couple?<\/p>\n

But there’s another element to this I think people don’t respect: It’s pretty scary out there when you first come out as poly, even if you’re heading into the nicest, most hippie-love-fest poly potluck community in the Pacific Northwest. I really can’t hold it against anyone that they might want a companion along for at least the first couple of forays. I\u2019d lay bets that this is what\u2019s behind a lot of couples being branded \u201cunicorn hunters\u201d — simple insecurity and protectiveness about trying something new.<\/p>\n

An alternative might be for each individual in the couple to make friends online with someone you regard as trustworthy, through checking out their posts and how they’re regarded by others in the community, or to go solo to a community, not-sex-based event to start out. There are also plenty of woman-identified-centered poly events and workshops where a single woman might feel safe. YMMV depending on what makes you feel safe and comfortable — and neither men nor women nor anyone needs to explain or justify what makes you feel safe and comfortable.<\/p>\n

If you\u2019ve been following this season of Polyamory: Married and Dating on Showtime, you saw what could happen when the wheels fall off the tricycle. It was painful for me to watch the machinations among the Hollywood triad. A married couple had both fallen in love with a woman, Megan, and then the legal wife, Leigh Ann, in the triad cheated with another man. The legal husband, Chris, and Megan then threw Leigh Ann out. But that\u2019s not how things ended. From her perch at a friend\u2019s house, Leigh Ann began quasi-dating Chris, and never missed a chance to remind him that she was \u201cthe wife,\u201d after all. Chris did things like staying over with Leigh Ann without even asking Megan, just sending a text. Leigh Ann pretty much forced him to choose, saying that having a younger woman in the house, especially one interested in having children, felt like a threat to her.<\/p>\n

Ow. You see something like that, and there\u2019s no way you want to lose your heart to a couple. So tell me again how good unicorns have it, right?<\/p>\n

But from a more trusting place, to me, it’s perfectly reasonable that a couple in which the man likes women and the woman is bi would be interested in having a relationship with a woman. I’d love to have a relationship with a woman right now — I miss it, and there are so many interesting women out there. My problem is that I fell in love with another man, then I got so crazy busy I have to go around with blinders on — no way am I going to try to start dating anyone new right this minute, with all the needs for babysitters and possible neglect of my existing relationships that would entail. If I found a less stressful and boundary-challenging job, I’d start looking at the OKCupid ads that regularly deliver intriguing profiles to my mailbox, but for now, I have to hit delete. Maybe someday I\u2019ll be the oldest unicorn ever.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

By Maria Padhila There’s a phenomenon in most tribes where there’s one kind of person or behavior that it’s OK to disparage. In poly, I think that position is occupied by the “unicorn hunter.” This usually means a male\/female couple who want to form a relationship with a woman. If you are new to poly, … Read more<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":7221,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"generate_page_header":""},"categories":[207],"tags":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/planetwaves.net\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/71132"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/planetwaves.net\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/planetwaves.net\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/planetwaves.net\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/7221"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/planetwaves.net\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=71132"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/planetwaves.net\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/71132\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/planetwaves.net\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=71132"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/planetwaves.net\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=71132"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/planetwaves.net\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=71132"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}